My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:03 PM
 
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Why does paying automatically equal your kids coming in second? That is your husband's daughter, his first child, she is entitled to that money.
It equals them coming in "second" financially quite often. So would you say that my 2 ds aren't entitled to his money as well? Maybe you think I should have not even gotten pregnant or had them? After all, she WAS there 1st, so my kids automatically come second in the courts, and quite a few people here, eyes.
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#92 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:07 PM
 
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Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?
Pretty much. You knew that when you married him, but still decided to have kids. Kids DO cost more as they get older, teenagers are expensive.
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#93 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, actually, yes. He knew he had an obligation to support her before he had more kids.

I don't want to get into a flamewar but I am the child of a deadbeat dad who seemed to have plenty of money to take care of my stepmother's kids. That was a choice he made that affected me and my brother and sisters in a lot of negative ways, and it wasn't fair to us.
I am sorry that was your experience. My mom and dad were separated when I was 10 and dad never paid CS. But we did spend time with him. That is worth more than money in my opinion.

The truth of the matter is, we aren't even court ordered to pay what we do. This agreement is between DH and the EX. We don't get to "claim" the children on our taxes, ever. And we go above and beyond by supporting the children's tuition in private school (actually, we split it with the ex).

The fact that the kids won't come for a visit makes me a little resentful of the situation. I think that is a human reaction.

After the mono thing and when I first found out the kids weren't coming over for their scheduled visit, I called the older one on his cell phone and left a message telling him I missed them and so did his sister. I also said if they changed their minds and wanted to come just for the day (the next day) we would be happy to pick them up. I never received a call back nor have I spoken to either since.
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#94 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:21 PM
 
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It equals them coming in "second" financially quite often. So would you say that my 2 ds aren't entitled to his money as well? Maybe you think I should have not even gotten pregnant or had them? After all, she WAS there 1st, so my kids automatically come second in the courts, and quite a few people here, eyes.
When did this thread become about you?
I'm not sure about other places but in TX CS is a % of income.


To the OP: I think it's great that you called. I am not surprised that you have not heard back it may take some healing time. I think it would be a good idea if your DH gave them a call. Lots of great movies coming out right now

It's not always easy but it is his job to keep reaching out.

Good luck

 Keri wife and Mama to  Cory 17,  Brendan 15,  Kerianne 8,  Avery 7,  Lilia 3
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#95 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:23 PM
 
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Well, actually, yes. He knew he had an obligation to support her before he had more kids.

I don't want to get into a flamewar but I am the child of a deadbeat dad who seemed to have plenty of money to take care of my stepmother's kids. That was a choice he made that affected me and my brother and sisters in a lot of negative ways, and it wasn't fair to us.

I am with you on this one. Some ladies marry a man with kids, and get all pissy when the guy pays child support and they cannot be a SAHM. Well, sometimes we do not get to always do what we want. Don't marry a guy with kids, if you don't want to deal with an Ex, child support and all of the other things that come with it.

My dad remarried when I was 18, and basically had nothing to do with me or my siblings anymore. He ended up dying a lonely old man. He also fought our mother about child support (not on me, of course). He thought we should all just go away because he had a "new family" now.

DH's niece's father got remarried and SIL ended up having to have ExBil's check garnished because he didn't want to pay the C/S because he had a "new family to support". Um...you should consider things like that before you marry someone else and have children with them.
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#96 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by L&IsMama
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?

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Pretty much. You knew that when you married him, but still decided to have kids. Kids DO cost more as they get older, teenagers are expensive.

Glad to see it's all about the children. The children who were there 1st. My kids don't matter, huh? According to you and the courts they don't. The "funny" thing, though, is if my dh and I divorced tomorrow, they would then suddenly matter in everyones eyes. : Then THEY would be a case number and a CS order, and possibly future step children, so then I guess they would deserve to be considered, huh?
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#97 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You know, I think we have gotten a little off topic here about the CS. I know I brought it up but that really isn't what this thread was about. They kids have no idea what I (we) do to support them financially. It is not really about the money.

What it is about is the kids don't want to visit. They don't want to visit because of something I did that they were hurt by. I didn't do it to hurt them, I did it to protect my little one that I felt needed protecting.

Just so all of you know, I couldn't possibly write our entire story on this thread. So before you jump to conclusion like "she only cares about her real DD" or "it's only about CS" or "she does not have a clue what it is like for a step child" try and keep in mind you don't know the whole story. And my story is probably no where near what happened to you or someone you know.

The fact is that we have always had a good relationship. I mean heck I even let the kids witness the birth of their sister. And they are boys! Teenage boys! even their mom didn't do that.
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#98 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:32 PM
 
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What it is about is the kids don't want to visit. They don't want to visit because of something I did that they were hurt by. I didn't do it to hurt them, I did it to protect my little one that I felt needed protecting.
So call them, apologize, and then tell them you all miss them and want them to come over. Problem solved.
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#99 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by L&IsMama
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?




Glad to see it's all about the children. The children who were there 1st. My kids don't matter, huh? According to you and the courts they don't. The "funny" thing, though, is if my dh and I divorced tomorrow, they would then suddenly matter in everyones eyes. : Then THEY would be a case number and a CS order, and possibly future step children, so then I guess they would deserve to be considered, huh?
It sounds like my situation in a way. I am sorry you are having such a rough time. Try to take a breath.

I know this will probably be unpopular but keep in mind his DD is 17 and he will only be "obligated" to pay his ex for the next year. After that it is all voluntary.
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#100 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:33 PM
 
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You know, I think we have gotten a little off topic here about the CS. I know I brought it up but that really isn't what this thread was about. They kids have no idea what I (we) do to support them financially. It is not really about the money.
Sorry. It's just a very tender subject with me. I hope it all works out for your family. I also hope people stop making assumptions on your situation. I'm SO outta this thread now. Too emotionally charged for me
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#101 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:34 PM
 
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I know this will probably be unpopular but keep in mind his DD is 17 and he will only be "obligated" to pay his ex for the next year. After that it is all voluntary.
I have a little calendar that I am marking the days off of....:
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#102 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:38 PM
 
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I know this will probably be unpopular but keep in mind his DD is 17 and he will only be "obligated" to pay his ex for the next year. After that it is all voluntary.
Hopefully after she turns 18 he won't be obligated to spend anymore time with her, because he has a new family now you know! Its not an obligation, that is his child! HIS CHILD! I cannot understand how supporting your own child is some sort of horrible obligation and everyone cannot wait until that child turns 18 and they can throw them into the world.
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#103 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hopefully after she turns 18 he won't be obligated to spend anymore time with her, because he has a new family now you know! Its not an obligation, that is his child! HIS CHILD! I cannot understand how supporting your own child is some sort of horrible obligation and everyone cannot wait until that child turns 18 and they can throw them into the world.
Not what I meant but whatever.
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#104 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:46 PM
 
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I have a little calendar that I am marking the days off of....:
Ouch.
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#105 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hopefully after she turns 18 he won't be obligated to spend anymore time with her, because he has a new family now you know! Its not an obligation, that is his child! HIS CHILD! I cannot understand how supporting your own child is some sort of horrible obligation and everyone cannot wait until that child turns 18 and they can throw them into the world.
OT alert


Question for you...

Is it fair that I have yet to see a report card from the kids but I write the check every month? That I should only hear about good or bad grades thru other sources and often WAY after the fact? Should I be obligated to pay for his sons private high school if the kids refuse to do homework? Instead their mother lets them play video games into the wee hours of the night. Therefore they are getting straight D's.

Is that fair?
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#106 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 07:59 PM
 
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Is it fair that I have yet to see a report card from the kids but I write the check every month? That I should only hear about good or bad grades thru other sources and often WAY after the fact? Should I be obligated to pay for his sons private high school if the kids refuse to do homework? Instead their mother lets them play video games into the wee hours of the night. Therefore they are getting straight D's.
So the kids should be punished because the adults cannot have a respectful relationship? Your feelings about the kids have no bearing on their father providing for them.
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#107 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 08:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So the kids should be punished because the adults cannot have a respectful relationship? Your feelings about the kids have no bearing on their father providing for them.
Actually, in California we are not required to pay private school tuition in addition to CS. So we are already providing for them as far as the law is concerned.
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#108 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 08:12 PM
 
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OT alert


Question for you...

Is it fair that I have yet to see a report card from the kids but I write the check every month? That I should only hear about good or bad grades thru other sources and often WAY after the fact? Should I be obligated to pay for his sons private high school if the kids refuse to do homework? Instead their mother lets them play video games into the wee hours of the night. Therefore they are getting straight D's.

Is that fair?

Iwant to try and say this as gently as possible... YOU are not obligated to pay anything for them. Their father is. If he cannot do it, let him take the responsibility of his choices.
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#109 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 08:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Iwant to try and say this as gently as possible... YOU are not obligated to pay anything for them. Their father is. If he cannot do it, let him take the responsibility of his choices.
I know but...

We are all suppose to be a family. Not his kids=his responsibility. If the kids are suppose to be treated just like mine then why wouldn't it be my obligation? I am not cleaning up his mess. I am taking care of our family.

And the truth is I would never stand for the behavior these kids exhibit when it comes to school. I hold my children to a higher standard when it comes to school. I also believe they should be able to make choices. And if the choice my DD made was to neglect school, she would be in public school in a flash.

OTOH, they are REALLY great kids. They are respectful (as much as a teen can be but slightly more), caring individuals.

I just want more for them than their mother does. More than once she has said the younger one will end up in the military. I don't really have a thing against the military but she says it because she thinks it is all he is capable of. I know better. These kids deserve a fighting chance in the world and I am sorry if any disagree but college is the only way.

I am in the corporate world and I see how the lack of college effects you. I have not college degree but I was lucky someone gave me a chance anyway. I think I am the only one at my company without one. The first thing someone asks is "are you from ASU" or "UCLA"?
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#110 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 08:57 PM
 
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And the truth is I would never stand for the behavior these kids exhibit when it comes to school. I hold my children to a higher standard when it comes to school.
This is going to come out sounding snarky, but I *honestly* don't mean it that way - just trust me when I tell you that it is easy to say that when your child isn't even two yet! And it is much easier saying it from the outside looking in - not when you're a single mom to teenagers who are changing into people you never expected them to be!

I think most of us can think of at least one "I would never" we said and then later on ended up with our foot in our mouths!
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#111 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by L&IsMama
Personally, I knew my dh had CS when we married. I also never thought it would more than DOUBLE in amount. But I guess my kids don't matter, right? Their needs come second, cause his 17 yr old daughter was there 1st, right?
So what? The 17 year old daughter is going to grow out of child support very soon now, isn't she? Your daughter will have plenty of years of being the ONLY one who gets financial support.

You chose your life, don't complain now.

The OP's stepchildren did NOT have a choice in any of it.

And to the OP:

Is it possible that all of your DH's children are immuno-compromised, something they got from him and that is why they get sick so often?

I agree with everyone else here who thinks you were far too hard on the step-children. If they refuse to go to your house, I can only imagine how devastated they are. Poor kids!! :
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#112 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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This is going to come out sounding snarky, but I *honestly* don't mean it that way - just trust me when I tell you that it is easy to say that when your child isn't even two yet! And it is much easier saying it from the outside looking in - not when you're a single mom to teenagers who are changing into people you never expected them to be!

I think most of us can think of at least one "I would never" we said and then later on ended up with our foot in our mouths!
Totally true and not snarky at all!

But I do hold education to a higher standard. That goes for all the kids. I think education is one of those things that you just can't bend on.
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#113 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:12 PM
 
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(((hugs to you))))
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#114 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:18 PM
 
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Could you all indulge me just a LITTLE bit, please?

I see what L&IsMama is saying & honestly think the replies she got are terrible.

QUESTION: (A genuine, sincere one...really...) Do you REALLY mean it when you say her kids come second? How do you justify that? That's cruel. Just cuz they were born after the step child? Do you think that child support should come first if the kids living with Dad go without? Should they miss out on things because the step child was here first? Really? I cannot grasp that. I know the "you knew it going in" thing will come up. But I don't think it matters. The truth & the reality of it is the kids ARE here now. And telling THEM "go without, you're second" is heartless and pretty lunical.

Can anyone clarify?

Thanks.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#115 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:38 PM
 
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Totally true and not snarky at all!

But I do hold education to a higher standard. That goes for all the kids. I think education is one of those things that you just can't bend on.
Glad you understood where I'm coming from...

As for education, I totally agree with you. BUT like the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" - you can lead your child to textbooks, but you can't make her study! ;-) My daughter is 13 and in seventh grade. Trust me when I tell you she thinks she knows *everything*, and if she doesn't already know it, she knows she'll never need to know it anyway, so why bother learning it! Her grades have slipped since she went to middle school last year - nothing horrible, but the ocassional C ends up on her report card and she *knows* she can do better, and she *knows* I expect better. So we instituted a half hour study session every evening, even on those nights when she "has no homework". So she sits there, with a book open in front of her, turning pages...doesn't mean she's actually reading them though! Sigh....teenagers can be soooo much fun!

As for the report card - have you asked the school to print out a second copy and mail it to you? Our public school does that if they are asked to, and I would think that most schools would, considering how many kids are in just your situation.
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#116 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:38 PM
 
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Could you all indulge me just a LITTLE bit, please?

I see what L&IsMama is saying & honestly think the replies she got are terrible.

QUESTION: (A genuine, sincere one...really...) Do you REALLY mean it when you say her kids come second? How do you justify that? That's cruel. Just cuz they were born after the step child? Do you think that child support should come first if the kids living with Dad go without? Should they miss out on things because the step child was here first? Really? I cannot grasp that. I know the "you knew it going in" thing will come up. But I don't think it matters. The truth & the reality of it is the kids ARE here now. And telling THEM "go without, you're second" is heartless and pretty lunical.

Can anyone clarify?

Thanks.
If there are a finite amount of resources, they have to be distributed somehow, don't they? If a parent (not speaking about anybody here, just generally) makes certain choices, sometimes their children have to pay for them. It's not fair to the kids at all. The choice is, do you be unfair to Kid A or to Kid B? I don't see why Kid B should get primacy over Kid A. The court has already said that Kid A has to be taken care of. Kids B, C, and D get what's left. That sucks for them, but that is the choice their parents made.
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#117 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:44 PM
 
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If there are a finite amount of resources, they have to be distributed somehow, don't they? If a parent (not speaking about anybody here, just generally) makes certain choices, sometimes their children have to pay for them. It's not fair to the kids at all. The choice is, do you be unfair to Kid A or to Kid B? I don't see why Kid B should get primacy over Kid A. The court has already said that Kid A has to be taken care of. Kids B, C, and D get what's left. That sucks for them, but that is the choice their parents made.
So, because the court favors A the rest are screwed? I have never been so apalled in all my life.

:

So step child comes first? The rest live off her drivelings?

Sweet. :

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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#118 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:44 PM
 
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I don't see why Kid B should get primacy over Kid A. The court has already said that Kid A has to be taken care of. Kids B, C, and D get what's left. That sucks for them, but that is the choice their parents made.
And *I* don't see why "kid A" should get primacy over "kid B". : The court does not dictate MY right to have children with my husband. Are you saying that MY kids should have just not been born, cause, after all, "kid A" was there 1st? If so, that's just WRONG. And cruel towards my children, and all the other "subsequent" children out there.
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#119 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:49 PM
 
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So, because the court favors A the rest are screwed? I have never been so apalled in all my life.
No, because A's parents knew they would have to take care of A. If A's parents choose to have more children, they know in advance that they will have to support them with what's left after they've taken care of A. If there's not enough left over for B, C, and D, that is a choice the parents made and it is terrible for them. It's not their fault. It's not A's fault or the court's fault, either.
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#120 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 09:50 PM
 
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If anyone says, yes, the others shouldn't be here...can you hold my hair while I vomit? Can you imagine telling those kids that? That is absolutly heart wrenching. The step kid mean more, hu? Based on ORDER? Gag me.

~Marie : Mom to DS(11), DS(10), DD(8), DD(4), DD(2), & Happily Married to DH 12 yrs.!
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Refbacks are Off