My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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#151 of 171 Old 05-27-2007, 02:56 PM
 
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Law aside, that's revolting. The subsequent children deserve NO LESS.
They also deserve no more.... in our case, our NCP went and ADOPTED his new wife's FOUR children in order to get out of paying as much child support as he was.
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#152 of 171 Old 05-27-2007, 08:59 PM
 
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Sorry, can't relate...
I can't imagine telling my DSD she can't come over because she is not feeling well. If you had two kids of your own, would you send one out of the house whenever s/he got sick? I hope not. Same logic should apply, imho.

As far as CS goes here - it has nothing to do with it. We are paying quite an amount ourselves, and I would feel like something is seriously wrong to keep DSD out of the house because "I pay money and have a say". My "say" should never be "my own kid is sick - you are germy, we can't have you this weekend". kwim?

Mind you, I think you have a say in what's going on. And I do believe you feel hurt by how they react to you. I just think you are overpowered by feeling protective of your child, and not thinking of the boys as your kids, while being "stepkids", should still mean they belong in your family as if they are your own.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#153 of 171 Old 05-27-2007, 11:54 PM
 
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Wow their father needs to step in STAT and smooth things over with his children at all cost because they ARE old enough to decide they do not want to visit and frankly if I was their mom I would respect their decision to not visit as their hurt feeling are VALID! What a shame this will be for the 3 kids if this situation prevents them from knowing each other nevermind the damage it will do to dads relationship with his older kids.

OK maybe I'm just missing something here but ummmm why should a noncustodial parent not have to contribute an EQUAL amount each month that the custodial parent does in order to provide for *their* children! YES!!! ex's are responsible for paying a certain amount to ensure that their children have a decent roof over their heads, food on the table...and yes he/ she should also be responsible for 1/2 the daycare fees (if there are) and extra curricular activities the kids may get involved in on top of the basic costs of living, oh and I didn't even touch medical and dental because he/ she would have been doing that had they stayed together. Do people honestly believe that the standard guidelines for cs REALLY cover the actual reality of costs involved in raising kids. Honestly I can't even begin to imagine how someone believes that.

Oh and as for the comments about cs stopping at a certain age that's right every noncustodial parent should stop paying once they are are 18 because college isn't expensive or anything...everything stops becuase a child had their 18 b-day...that attidute is revolting! Thank goodness my agreement with my ex covers my children while they are living with me until they are ALL done college or reach 21!
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#154 of 171 Old 05-28-2007, 12:53 AM
 
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I can only comment on the orignial issue...

I can remember how it feels to have your step-mom not want you around. I know your reasons weren't spiteful ones, but these boys don't understand that. In a perfect world your DH and ex would have rearranged weekends for when they are feeling better. I would think they would want to stay in their primary residence when they aren't feeling well.

Personally, I would call and apologize to them. Explain to them why you did what you did. Don't have DH relay the message because they won't believe it is from you. They may not respond pleasantly, but you need to be the adult in the situation.

I rarely talk to my dad anymore because of the animosity (sp) I felt from my step mom. Don't let that happen to your DH and his sons. You may not love them like they are your own (and that is ok) but he loves them as much as he loves your daughter. They may been older kids but they are still kids and everything you do will affect them for the rest of their lives. They don't deserve to feel unwanted and they feel that way now.
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#155 of 171 Old 05-28-2007, 04:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So this probably isn't the update some were looking for but we had a small amount of progress this weekend.

DD and I went to a play date at a friends house about an hour away from home. We were gone all day saturday. DH decided to head over to the step kids house to visit them while we were gone. He told me he would talk to them next time they had a chance to be alone. While on the drive back, he told me of the visit. I asked him if he had spoken to the kids about the situation and he said no he didn't. I was really mad at him for not taking the opportunity to discuss it while he was visiting but he said he just wanted to spend some quality time with them instead of getting all heavy.

I understand he hasn't seen them in a while, and I am happy they had some quality time together, but I don't think we should just go about our business like nothing is wrong. DH does not seem to want to confront the issue so we can just move past it already. I told him if he refuses to have a conversation with them I was happy to. I can tell he really does not want me to talk to them about it.

I just don't think we should let things stay the way they are now. The longer we leave it the more damage is done. I don't see why DH does not agree with me. God I just want to get thru this and move on. They are old enough that they will be less likely to forgive and forget the more time that passes.
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#156 of 171 Old 05-28-2007, 09:48 PM
 
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I grew up with an "evil stepfather" and well, uh....I really think you should let your DH make the decisions on this one.

Seriously, since you didn't think through what it would be like to marry your DH before you went and had a child with him, you really shouldn't penalize his children for it.

I totally agree with your DH on this one. I'm glad he had a wonderful stress-free visit with his children. That is, IMO, the first step to healing. I'm assuming that this is what you actually want.
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#157 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 12:47 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I grew up with an "evil stepfather" and well, uh....I really think you should let your DH make the decisions on this one.

Seriously, since you didn't think through what it would be like to marry your DH before you went and had a child with him, you really shouldn't penalize his children for it.

I totally agree with your DH on this one. I'm glad he had a wonderful stress-free visit with his children. That is, IMO, the first step to healing. I'm assuming that this is what you actually want.
Care to explain a couple of things?

When you say "evil stepfather", is that a reference to me or your own personal issue inserted here?

What makes you think I didn't "think through" marrying someone with children?

We were living together for 5 years before we were married and I am infertile. So those kids were the only children I was going to have from the get go. The fact that I got pregnant was a freaking miracle.

Did you read the whole thread?
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#158 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 02:45 AM
 
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Did you read the whole thread?
Every word.
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#159 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 03:02 AM
 
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well, this is quite eye opening. I'm a step mom and my DH has several kids from previous relationships. We were married for 4 years before we had our own. Anyway, when the baby was born, I was very protective about her. And I didn't want his kids over if they were sick...well actually most of the time if they were sick they just stayed home with mom so it kind of worked out for all parties.
Anyway, over the past year of her life, my DD has caught a few colds from her brothers and sisters. It is very frustrating because I am the one who has to stay up with my DD when she gets sick. I try to be cautious...stay away from the baby but they always seem to "forget" and we do lots of hands washing, and airborne.

Anyway, we are having another baby and this article was pretty eye-opening. I think I need to relax a little. After all it is just a cold and I wouldn't want to make the other kiddos feel like they were inferior and resent me or my DD and the new baby. In fact now that I think about it, my step daughter had strep throat and I was really adament about her not coming around, but she came around anyway with my DH promising that she wasn't contagious.

I think that it's easy as mothers to be very protective of our children. But I think we also need to remember to trust our DH sometimes because he is looking out for the best interest of all of his kids. It is hard though, I still struggle with it.

Just some thoughts...good luck.
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#160 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 03:29 AM
 
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Kids get sick SO often in those first years. It probably has almost nothing to do with who has what that comes around them. They get sick. ALL the time. If it weren't one kind of sick, it'd be another.

Really.

And I was the mama-bear germ patroller extraordinaire when I had DS, but I've had to relax. And I've seen all of DS's friends be sick all the time, too. That's just how it goes.
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#161 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 12:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Kids get sick SO often in those first years. It probably has almost nothing to do with who has what that comes around them. They get sick. ALL the time. If it weren't one kind of sick, it'd be another.

Really.

And I was the mama-bear germ patroller extraordinaire when I had DS, but I've had to relax. And I've seen all of DS's friends be sick all the time, too. That's just how it goes.
I know and I agree that they get sick all the time.

In less than 12 months DD has been sick CONSTANTLY. And her white cell count is off per her PED. I just asked they not come while they were sick with mono. It was the last thing we needed to catch and it is really contagious. I wasn't trying to be an "evil step mom". I love those kids.

Yes they got their feelings hurt. And yes I was trying to protect my DD from another round of sickness. I never meant to make them feel unwelcome. I just didn't want DSS to come over while running a 103 fever. When he was that sick is when I asked DH to have them stay home rather than visit that weekend. I figured by the time our next visitation came up (two weeks later) he would be feeling better.
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#162 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 01:42 PM
 
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Well if everything is as you have said and the SSs are not self-centered monsters who don't care if they put their little half-sister at risk, then the only thing I can think of that has happened here is that there is a huge disconnect in what you asked and what they heard. Otherwise none of this makes sense.

The best way to get past a miscommunication is for everyone to talk about it and then apologize for the misunderstanding with plenty of loving assurances.
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#163 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 02:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well if everything is as you have said and the SSs are not self-centered monsters who don't care if they put their little half-sister at risk, then the only thing I can think of that has happened here is that there is a huge disconnect in what you asked and what they heard. Otherwise none of this makes sense.

The best way to get past a miscommunication is for everyone to talk about it and then apologize for the misunderstanding with plenty of loving assurances.
I never called them monsters. I know they wouldn't want anything bad to happen to their little sister. I think part of the problem is that from the original post to now there has been a sort of picking one issue and stuffing it in my face. That issue is "I am a horrible step mom for asking the kids not to come over when they were sick".

It would be impossible to list everything that happened in our entire relationship on this thread. Good or bad. But somehow, most people who have responded only picked up on the negative aspect and didn't even consider there was any good in our relationship. The fact is, aside from this issue, we are a loving caring family. ALL OF US.

Maybe one or two people picked up on the original intent behind my actions. And that intent was to protect my little baby who has been so sick.
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#164 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 02:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The best way to get past a miscommunication is for everyone to talk about it and then apologize for the misunderstanding with plenty of loving assurances.
Also, this is what I want to do. I want to discuss the issue with the kids so we can work it out. DH is stalling the conversation (that was what I was trying to convey in the update). He does not want to deal with it at all. But I am pushing him because it is so important to get it out and over with so we can all move on. My goal is to get the kids back in the house for visits. DH misses them, DD misses them, and I miss them.
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#165 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 02:33 PM
 
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So what would happen if DH called up and just casually asks when he should pick them up? I guess I'm not clear, are they flat out saying, "No we won't come over because we hate Dawn." or is everyone just kind of dancing around and not being direct?

DH might be right on this. If it was girls, I would say you were better off pushing for a big pow-wow where it all got hashed out. But a lot of teen boys would rather chew glass than have a big family discussion!
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#166 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 03:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So what would happen if DH called up and just casually asks when he should pick them up? I guess I'm not clear, are they flat out saying, "No we won't come over because we hate Dawn." or is everyone just kind of dancing around and not being direct?

DH might be right on this. If it was girls, I would say you were better off pushing for a big pow-wow where it all got hashed out. But a lot of teen boys would rather chew glass than have a big family discussion!
They just stopped coming over. Period. No discussion at all. In fact, I could be totally off on why they don't want to come over in the first place but I HIGHLY doubt it.

And you are probably right about DH/the kids not wanting to have a discussion.

I agree he should just call and say "hey I am coming to pick you up". But not in a way that they feel forced to come over either.
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#167 of 171 Old 05-29-2007, 04:46 PM
 
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In fact, I could be totally off on why they don't want to come over in the first place but I HIGHLY doubt it.
Ahhhh ... well you actually could be really wrong here. If you haven't parented teens yet you probably aren't familiar with the 180 degree instant attitude changes that can occur! One minute everything is fine and dandy, the next minute life is an unbearable tragedy that cannot be borne!

I'm sorry I didn't ask that right off the bat, because really, you could be reading this all wrong and the reason they don't want to come over is because they have hit the "can't be bothered with the family" stage.
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#168 of 171 Old 05-31-2007, 12:39 AM
 
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As a step child, I can tell you that my teenage years (sadly, perhaps) were mostly occupied by concerns about how popular I was, which boy liked me, where my next sleep over or sneak out was, when the next mall or movie trip was and the like. And as far as I could see, everyone in my age group was the same regardless of family situation. I have no teens yet, for a while, but I was a teen of stepparents and I know it was hard for us all...the teenage years are no picnic for any parent, period. Stick it out, love them, let them know, and don't be offended by their "I don't care" attitudes, if that is the stage they are in...I think we all went through it at some point and it is completely natural. Good luck! And you may get through it better without a talk. Boys can be funny. Maybe bring it up lightly and if they don't take the bait, leave it be. They don't like to talk like us ladies do!
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#169 of 171 Old 05-31-2007, 08:37 PM
 
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No, because A's parents knew they would have to take care of A. If A's parents choose to have more children, they know in advance that they will have to support them with what's left after they've taken care of A. If there's not enough left over for B, C, and D, that is a choice the parents made and it is terrible for them. It's not their fault. It's not A's fault or the court's fault, either.
In our house it is kid "A" who is getting screwed. DP remarried when "A" was5, had 2 more kids, is now going through the divorce process, and there is a set table amount for the income to number of kids ratio. the fact that he has to provide for "A" doesn't factor in to the table amount. and he doesn't get child support for "A" to balance it out.

it doesn't mean any kid matters more or less than the others, it is just that the court doesn't look at the whole picture.
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#170 of 171 Old 05-31-2007, 09:01 PM
 
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As a step child, I can tell you that my teenage years (sadly, perhaps) were mostly occupied by concerns about how popular I was, which boy liked me, where my next sleep over or sneak out was, when the next mall or movie trip was and the like. And as far as I could see, everyone in my age group was the same regardless of family situation. I have no teens yet, for a while, but I was a teen of stepparents and I know it was hard for us all...the teenage years are no picnic for any parent, period. Stick it out, love them, let them know, and don't be offended by their "I don't care" attitudes, if that is the stage they are in...I think we all went through it at some point and it is completely natural. Good luck! And you may get through it better without a talk. Boys can be funny. Maybe bring it up lightly and if they don't take the bait, leave it be. They don't like to talk like us ladies do!
As much as this is true, in that maybe teens don't want to go visit their parents so much because they are busy, there's a difference in being busy with school and social life and being hurt by their parents. I had a full wonderful teenagehood - where I stopped talking to my dad and was mad at him for 3 years. I might not have seen him that much as he lived in another city and my weekends were busy, if I hadn't felt so hurt by him, I would have still been talking to him and I would have appreciated his effort in the way of phone calls and the occaisional visit.

teens often do the "i don't care attitude" but they don't mean it. I bet those boys are busy and all, but I bet they feel slighted too. they at least need to know that their dad cares about them and that they are welcome any time they want to visit.
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#171 of 171 Old 06-03-2007, 04:03 PM
 
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I've read this entire thread. I do believe that you were wrong to decide that ths step kids couldn't come over, and even though your reasons for deciding this may have come from a good place (protection of dd), you were still wrong to do it.

I think you and/or your dh need to apologize (not discuss, not explain your reasons, apologize). Say you were wrong and apologize.

Everyone makes mistakes. The stepkids will forgive you and their dad, and your family will move past this.
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