My step sons hate me (Update in post #155) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok mama's, was I wrong?

My step son had mono a couple of months ago. Because DD has been sick so many times this year (7colds, pink eye, coxsackie, & 6 stomach flus since November) I asked DH not to let anyone who had been at their house come over (including the kids). MIL lives upstairs and even though I requested she not allow anyone who had been over to their house to come over, that very day she went to visit the step kids.

I am pretty sure MIL and DH's ex discuss what a crazy person I am and I am sure it happens in front of the kids. I suspect this is why the step kids haven't been over to visit since the mono incident (early March). They have always come either every weekend or every other weekend for the past 7 years DH and I have been together. All of a sudden they don't want to come over anymore.

I think they are mad at me. But the truth is all I was trying to do was protect my DD from more sickness. I just can't deal with any more sickness. Neither can DH. Before I put my foot down and said they couldn't come over sick, they would arrive for the weekend and by sunday, I would notice one of them taking cold meds. Their mother likes to not tell us when the kids are sick and just drop them off anyway.

It really makes me mad because DD always gets sick after they leave. She is little and it's just not fair to do that to her. When the mono thing came up I had just had enough. Even with all the precautions, myself, DH and DD all got the mono anyway (thanks to MIL for not listening to me when I asked her not to expose us).

I mean this is the same family that gave my newborn baby SCABIES! One of our great presents for christmas was finding out that not only did DH and I have it but also our ENTIRE extended family (my mom, dad, two sisters, MIL, etc). Worse than that, they didn't treat themselves properly so we had it come back THREE times! DD was so little the PED wasn't sure if she could have the medicine. I had to leave the scabies on her for 3 additional weeks until she reached 2 months so she could have the medicine. Then I had to put that stupid poison on her 3 times. I was freaking out, let me tell you.

Sorry that was long but I am really looking for some perspective here. Am I the cause of the problems here?
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#2 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:37 PM
 
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While I'm all for kids catching bugs so they can build immunity, but they seem to be sick too much. I'd kick MIL out if mine did that to me, even if it meant we had to move. Have you giving your DD vit c (powder, ascorbic acid), it'll help fight that crap off?

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#3 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:39 PM
 
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I am not a step-Mom but my boys have a step-Mom and I have been upset in the past when similar issues come up. My boys don't get sick but hers do and they will say the boys should stay hom (my house) so they don't get sick at their house.

I would understand keeping friends and extended family away but these are siblings and your husbands children. What if you had an older child that got sick often at school and brought it home to your dd?

I understand you are trying to protect your DD and I am sorry she has been so sick but these are her brothers and your step-children and I dont think they should ever be told not to come over. They should be given the choice. The few times my boys are sick they want me so they choose to stay here but I think it is wrong for my XH to bring them home if they get sick. He is their parent too and is just as responsible for their care as I am.

Keri

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#4 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:39 PM
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Although I understand your desire to protect your dd, those kids are your DH's children, just the same as DD is. I would have simply made an effort to observe precautions...lots of handwashing...no one sick holding the baby. I would not have banned them from the house.
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#5 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:48 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by ThreeBeans View Post
Although I understand your desire to protect your dd, those kids are your DH's children, just the same as DD is. I would have simply made an effort to observe precautions...lots of handwashing...no one sick holding the baby. I would not have banned them from the house.
I understand what you are saying about taking precautions but it just wouldn't work. Here is why...

DD LOVES her big brothers to death. The second they come in the house she freaks out and will not leave their side until they leave (at which point she cries). When the step kids are there, she wants them to do everything for her and with her. She will tell me "no mommy collin do it" when I try to do anything. She would still stick her fingers in his mouth playing and kiss them tons (she is very affectionate with all of us).

How can I make a 17 month old baby understand we are taking precautions? Heck, we took precautions with MIL and we still got sick. Mono is extremely contagious. We were so sick for so long. It was shear hell.
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#6 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:50 PM
 
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Yeah, mono, scabies? I don't think you are out of line. You could go your whole life and not get those, and if you did pick them up from MIL's exposure, it sounds like you are right to be cautious. Maybe you and your DD and DH are just more susceptible for some reason. I know that even when I've lived in the same house with a person with mono (who spit on my face once), I never got mono. Your daughter sounds like she's had a lot of exposure and her immune system needs some time to recover.

How does your DH feel about it all. I mean I would not keep my husband's son out of our house, but if I were really worried about my child, I would do what I could to keep her safe. It's hard to criticize you for trying to keep the kids out when they are sick when they are well, presumably, and refuse to come over. It definitely sounds like there is some stuff that needs to be worked out between all of you. It can be hard if people don't want to be around you or your children, claiming that you make them sick. At the same time, some people have a much harder time with illness and I can respect that and be ultra cautious and not take it personally. It sounds like they think you are blaming them, and it sounds like you need to have a long, good discussion with the ex and her son, if at all possible, and work out some problems.
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#7 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:53 PM
 
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I still believe they are your DH's children and should NOT be kept out of your home. Just as you would not force one of your sick children to leave your home. Say 5 years down the road you and DH have another child and your DD is making the baby sick, what then?

 Keri wife and Mama to  Cory 17,  Brendan 15,  Kerianne 8,  Avery 7,  Lilia 3
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#8 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by kerikadi View Post
I am not a step-Mom but my boys have a step-Mom and I have been upset in the past when similar issues come up. My boys don't get sick but hers do and they will say the boys should stay hom (my house) so they don't get sick at their house.

I would understand keeping friends and extended family away but these are siblings and your husbands children. What if you had an older child that got sick often at school and brought it home to your dd?

I understand you are trying to protect your DD and I am sorry she has been so sick but these are her brothers and your step-children and I dont think they should ever be told not to come over. They should be given the choice. The few times my boys are sick they want me so they choose to stay here but I think it is wrong for my XH to bring them home if they get sick. He is their parent too and is just as responsible for their care as I am.

Keri
I totally get that. I understand completely what you are saying. However, when there is a choice (the kids don't live with us full time) and something bad is going around (and they have it) why wouldn't you not take the chance? Given the whole history, when is enough enough?

I understand DH is their father too but the fact is they live with their mother. We have a space for them and I would be happy to have them live with us. If they lived with us of course I would have to accept it, But they don't.

Also, just to add more to this, whenever DD is sick I ALWAYS let their mother know. She has a 3 year old and I try to be as courteous as possible about not spreading illness to them. I just wish I was given the same courtesy. But unfortunately that is never the case.
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#9 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:56 PM
 
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As a step-child, I would have been devastated had I been told to stay away from my father's house because I had mono 3 months ago or because I was taking cold medicine this month.

I would have felt absolutely and totally rejected by my father for not fighting for the right to see me, and I would have absolutely detested my stepmother and resented my half-sister for coming between me and my dad.

Sick or not, you have no right to tell those kids they can't see their father. They have every right to be angry with you for doing so.
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#10 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 02:59 PM
 
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As a step-child, I would have been devastated had I been told to stay away from my father's house because I had mono 3 months ago or because I was taking cold medicine this month.

I would have felt absolutely and totally rejected by my father for not fighting for the right to see me, and I would have absolutely detested my stepmother and resented my half-sister for coming between me and my dad.

Sick or not, you have no right to tell those kids they can't see their father. They have every right to be angry with you for doing so.
Thank you for posting this.
Step children already feel alienated (I know I did).
The problem here is their Mom but you can't teach common courtesy to some. I feel the children are being blamed when they are the innocent ones.

 Keri wife and Mama to  Cory 17,  Brendan 15,  Kerianne 8,  Avery 7,  Lilia 3
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#11 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:01 PM
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I still believe they are your DH's children and should NOT be kept out of your home. Just as you would not force one of your sick children to leave your home. Say 5 years down the road you and DH have another child and your DD is making the baby sick, what then?
I agree. You are not a single-child family. Your family has multiple children.
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#12 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:03 PM
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PS: When my older son gets sick, I don't kick him out of the house.
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#13 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:05 PM
 
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I have to side with the stepchildren here. And with the grandma who wanted to visit them.

I can see being freaked out (and pissed off) about scabies and a newborn, but your DD isn't a newborn anymore. She's a toddler, and getting sick isn't quite as serious at this age. If she's getting sick after every single exposure at this point, I'd look into ways of building her immunity, not limiting her exposure to her own big brothers.

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#14 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:07 PM
 
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#15 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Your daughter sounds like she's had a lot of exposure and her immune system needs some time to recover.
So true! Just before the step kids came down with mono she had a CBC done (along with an allergy test because of some reactions she had). We were told her white cell count was off. I told everyone about this and said we needed to be careful about what she comes in contact with because of what the doctor said about her blood count.

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How does your DH feel about it all.
He is upset they won't come over anymore. He also understands why I am being so protective of my little sickie. He is torn and I don't blame him. I was too before I made the decision.

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I mean I would not keep my husband's son out of our house, but if I were really worried about my child, I would do what I could to keep her safe.
That is all I was trying to do. Really. Just trying to keep DD safe.
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#16 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The only solution I can see is for you to stay elsewhere if they visit sick.
I offered to take DD and stay somewhere else. But if you know anything about mono, it takes about 3-6 weeks for you to recover from. It's not your typical cold/flu. If DD and I left while it was going around we would have just gotten back in the house two weeks ago (which is exactly when we got over it).

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These children "visit" their own father. How much does that suck for them? Now they can't even visit? Though they do not live there full time "your" home is their home too.
I understand it sucks for them. But I never said they couldn't come over ever. I just asked them not to come over until they got better so DD wouldn't catch it. It was a temporary request not a permanent one.
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#17 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:16 PM
 
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As a step-child, I would have been devastated had I been told to stay away from my father's house because I had mono 3 months ago or because I was taking cold medicine this month.

I would have felt absolutely and totally rejected by my father for not fighting for the right to see me, and I would have absolutely detested my stepmother and resented my half-sister for coming between me and my dad.

No, it's not fair but it's how I would have felt as the "red-headed stepchild."

More than two decades after the fact I'm still incredibly bitter that my father & his wife forbade me to touch their baby or their furniture because I had eczema (from my father's gene pool) on my hands. Together with the fact that my stepmo..ther tends to have sociopathic tendencies, I haven't been to my father's house in 22 years.

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#18 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:20 PM
 
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I don't think they should be kept out of your home just because they're sick. Your DH should be taking care of them when they are sick, too. JMO. I have had trouble with my DD's father not wanting to take her when she's sick (even with just a minor cold, runny nose, etc.), and it really pisses me off.

I think you should just take the same precautions you would if you had two non-step siblings living in the same house, and one was sick and one was not.
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#19 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:20 PM
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I think you're missing the point, and I think unless you adjust your attitude towards those children, and being a step-mother, wife to their daddy, and mother of THEIR sister, you are going to create some serious problems in your family and irrevocably hurt those kids.
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#20 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:23 PM
 
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Coming back to add: Think about this. If you had two children (both YOUR children), and one had mono, would you expect the sick one to pack up and go elsewhere until he/she recovered?
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#21 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:30 PM
 
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#22 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:33 PM
 
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#23 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by i'mmykid'$mom View Post
Yes, I've had mono.



You don't understand. You are totally looking at this from your point of view and not theirs. You are still acting as though these are extended family that you can ask to stay away for awhile and it shouldn't cause hard feelings; they are not. They are your husband's children and he (through you) are telling them that they are diseased and not welcome in their father's home.

No one is sure how long someone with mono stays contagious after symptoms are gone. But it's generally believed that a person can spread the infection for many months after the symptoms are completely gone — some studies show as long as 18 months. They were contagious before they showed symptoms, so your dd was already exposed before you knew they had it.

When I was a child a week was an eternity. 'Till she gets better is very vague.
:

I think the root of the problem is the fact that you consider these boys to be your husband's kids, and not a real part of your family.
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#24 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:39 PM
 
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:

I think the root of the problem is the fact that you consider these boys to be your husband's kids, and not a real part of your family.

:

I am not a stpe child or have step children, but I must say that my heart is breaking for those kids. It must suck that his dad doesn't want (or thier stpe mom won't let them) spend time with their family because they are sick. It would break my heart if dh did that to my ds.
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#25 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, the step kids hate me. It was totally wrong of me to have them stay away because they had mono.

Heck, it was freaking unreasonable for me to expect their mother would tell me they had scabies before she allowed them to come to the hospital to watch their sister being born. Afterall, I am their step mother and should expect DD to catch whatever they have. It their right to give her it and I should just sit back and let it happen over and over again.

I am a terrible step mother and should just step out of the picture now so DH can have a decent relationship with his kids.
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#26 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:43 PM
 
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I had a feeling responding to this thread would be futile.
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#27 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:44 PM
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I had a feeling responding to this thread would be futile.
Yup
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#28 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:44 PM
 
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I think it is unequivocally, 100% wrong to ask the children not to be in their own father's home, especially for something like this. If one of them were caught molesting a child, okay, I can see the point. But, for germs? No way. I can't believe your husband is going along with banning his own children from his home, that's really sad.

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#29 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:45 PM
 
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Oh heavens, I see that as well. Never mind.

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#30 of 171 Old 05-25-2007, 03:45 PM
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Just out of curiosity, did you REALLY think people were going to say, "Yup, great idea?"
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