I realize what you're going through must be so tough. My dss (11) lives with us, and although we've all been together for 7 yrs now, it's still rough.
I wanted to address a couple things. First, I noticed that you mentioned that he calls you mom, and has since the beginning. I don't know what circumstances led to him living with you, how long you and your husband have been together, or what the situation with you dss' biomother is, but it's got to be a lot for your dss to be going through, also. He wants to be close to you, to be accepted by you, to honor what you are doing in his life, and to be a part of your family - that's why he would call you mom. I realize that the title feels like an overwhelming responsibility and obligation that he has pinned on you. My dss refers to me as his mom when he's talking to other people, and I remember the first time I heard it - I was excited, honored, and terrified
, all at the same time. What you're feeling is completely normal, so don't feel bad about it. But, as I'm sure you know, there's not really any nice way to ask him to not call you mom without making him feel rejected by you, so, unless HE decides to call you by your name, you're stuck with the "Mom" title. Your dh could try to bring it up with him, I suppose, to ask dss if he wants to call you mom, or if he's just doing it because he feels like he has to, but that's still a sensitive slippery subject that I'd be kinda scared of your dss taking negatively.
I really liked and got along (pretty well) with my dss before me and dh were married, so I was lucky there, but it was still hard to build that relationship of family. Heck, it still is difficult! Some days I love that kid with all my heart - some days, I really can't stand him. And on those days I can't stand him, I feel incredibly guilty, like I'm failing to love him like I should. But, truth be told, I am not his mother, and I don't feel about him the way I do with my own children, no matter how hard I try. It's a completely different relationship. However, I try to look at it this way - I have a different love/relationship with my children than with my dss, true - but I also love my children differently than I love my husband, which is different than how I love my mother, which is different than how I love my cousins, my grandparents, my inlaws - you get my drift. Try not to feel so bad of the lack of maternal bond/feelings (easier said than done, I know). You don't have (I hope
) a maternal bond with your dh either. Different relationships, that's all.
I hope things get better for you soon. Being a step parent is so hard. I'm sure you're doing a great job (as evidenced by being "mom"). Maybe find a chance to take a "you" break, a chance to get away and recharge your batteries.