Need some advice re: a dilemma... - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 04:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
mommyswenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My oldest dd's bio-father walked out of her life when she was two (he phoned me one day and said he was "done"). I tried contacting him twice after that (w/in the next 6 months) and he hung up on me both times.

A year and a half later, dh and I got married and he adopted dd (her bio-father consented to the adoption). That was 7 years ago.

Dd asks about him -- not a lot, but often enough that I know it's on her mind quite a bit. She wants to meet him. She wants to know why he didn't want her. I've told her that when she is older we will do everything we can to help her track him down, although I have also told her that there is a chance he may not want to see her again. That's why we want to wait until she's a little older, dh and I are concerned that it would be a lot to handle at this age (10.5).

Anyways, a couple of days ago my best friend and I were talking on Facebook, and she told me she thought she found a profile for him. I looked and sure enough, it's him. I can't click on his profile due to the way his settings are, but I can see the picture clearly enough to say yeah, it's definitely him.

Should I contact him? Just... send him a message saying that dd would like to meet him when she's older? I don't know what his reaction would be, and I'm kind of scared that he will make it clear that he wants nothing to do with dd ever. Scared for her sake, kwim?

Ugh. I just don't know what to do. Would you contact him?
mommyswenn is offline  
#2 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 04:52 PM
 
HelloKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Next door to the possums
Posts: 11,874
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wouldn't contact him but this isn't my situation. What are you hoping to get out of the contact?

Great for nature studies! http://www.pleinairkids.com
Plein Air Kids - Handmade wooden art boxes for Budding Artists.
HelloKitty is offline  
#3 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 04:53 PM
 
taz925's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 1,292
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would. Just to know you can find him when she is older and better able to handle the situation.

Doreen
taz925 is offline  
#4 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 05:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
mommyswenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by HelloKitty View Post
I wouldn't contact him but this isn't my situation. What are you hoping to get out of the contact?
What I want is for him to say that he made a terrible mistake when he walked out of her life, that not a day has gone by that he hasn't thought about her and regretted that decision, that the door will be open for dd to contact him when she's older. You know, the made-for-TV, rosy, happy ending situation. Realistic or not, that is what I'm hoping to get.

I'm also curious about where he's at now -- I know he's married, but don't know if dd has any half-siblings. I would like to be able to tell her that.
Medical history would be nice to have, too.

~sigh~
mommyswenn is offline  
#5 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 05:07 PM
 
mackysmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: SHHH... I'm reading Harry Potter
Posts: 1,699
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would, with the hope that maybe the two of you could keep in touch enough to be able to track him down quickly if you ever needed to - a medical emergency for example. And, so that your daughter can contact him when she is old enough. I'd like for you to get the closure that you want from him, but I would keep the doors open to another scenario.
mackysmama is offline  
#6 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 05:09 PM
 
chaoticzenmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 4,962
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would send him a note and tell him that she asks about him a lot. Send a picture of her to him and then let the ball be in his court. You could say that even if he doesn't want to have contact, that a picture of him and some information about his life would be nice for your daughter to have.

I'm sorry
Lisa

Our children make a study of us in a way no one else ever will.  If we don't act according to our values, they will know.~Starhawk Rainbow.gif  New  User Agreement! http://www.mothering.com/community/wiki/user-agreement

chaoticzenmom is offline  
#7 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 05:12 PM
 
Jane's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Kenmore, Washington
Posts: 7,110
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't think it's really helpful to wait until she's older. While she would probably "handle" it better on the outside, I don't think years of wondering/fantisizing will help the meeting go better. It would be different if she didn't think/talk about him.

On edit - what lisa said above.

Homebirth Midwife biggrinbounce.gif

After 4 m/c, our stillheart.gif is here!

Jane is offline  
#8 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 05:24 PM
 
HelloKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Next door to the possums
Posts: 11,874
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mommyswenn View Post
What I want is for him to say that he made a terrible mistake when he walked out of her life, that not a day has gone by that he hasn't thought about her and regretted that decision, that the door will be open for dd to contact him when she's older. You know, the made-for-TV, rosy, happy ending situation. Realistic or not, that is what I'm hoping to get.

I'm also curious about where he's at now -- I know he's married, but don't know if dd has any half-siblings. I would like to be able to tell her that.
Medical history would be nice to have, too.

~sigh~
I can understand that. I just hope you don't get hurt if his response isn't what you expect. Sounds like you definetly want to make contact though so go for it - the worst that can happen is he doesn't respond or responds negatively but it sounds like that would be better than always wondering what the response might have been.

We are here for you hon, go for it. *hugs*

Great for nature studies! http://www.pleinairkids.com
Plein Air Kids - Handmade wooden art boxes for Budding Artists.
HelloKitty is offline  
#9 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 05:28 PM
 
merpk's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Posts: 14,887
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by HelloKitty View Post
I can understand that. I just hope you don't get hurt if his response isn't what you expect. Sounds like you definetly want to make contact though so go for it - the worst that can happen is he doesn't respond or responds negatively but it sounds like that would be better than always wondering what the response might have been.

Yeah, that. You don't know too clearly what DD is looking for, and he might really hurt her (again). So stay between them, but do the contact yourself. And see what happens.
merpk is offline  
#10 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 05:30 PM
 
jeca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Dark side of the Moon
Posts: 9,026
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
sorry, ignore me.
jeca is offline  
#11 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 05:46 PM
 
HelloKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Next door to the possums
Posts: 11,874
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeca View Post
I received a GC to Starbucks recently only I don't drink coffee at all. Honestly I have never even been in a strabucks. Is there anything in there for someone like me or should I simply re-gift it?
That's quite the derailment. I'm assuming you meant to post a new thread - but if you want to forget about going through that formality just send the GC to me and I'll take care of it for you :

Great for nature studies! http://www.pleinairkids.com
Plein Air Kids - Handmade wooden art boxes for Budding Artists.
HelloKitty is offline  
#12 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 06:02 PM
 
jeca's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Dark side of the Moon
Posts: 9,026
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ooopps!!!! how embarrassing!
jeca is offline  
#13 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 06:07 PM
 
HelloKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Next door to the possums
Posts: 11,874
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It's an honest mistake. But of course I had to quote you to keep the embarrassment going

Great for nature studies! http://www.pleinairkids.com
Plein Air Kids - Handmade wooden art boxes for Budding Artists.
HelloKitty is offline  
#14 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 08:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
mommyswenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
HK, I'm actually glad you quoted her -- I'm the paranoid type who would have wondered if she deleted her response to me for some reason.

Dh is as torn about this as I am, but I think I'm probably going to go ahead with it. I'll talk to him tonight when he gets home from work and go from there.

My dd is an amazing person, and I really think she'll be able to handle it either way. I just hope for her sake that it doesn't end in hurt. I've talked to her before about what she expects from him, and how she would handle it if the reality was different than what she wanted -- I just hope for her sake that he will at least meet with her, if even just one time -- I think she really needs that.

It may take me a few days to muster up the courage to actually do anything, but I'll be sure to post an update once there is something to update.

Oh, and about that Starbuck's g/c -- I could use a nice, non-fat, no-sugar, half-water caramel macchiato to sooth my nerves from the stress of this!
mommyswenn is offline  
#15 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 08:45 PM
 
eleven's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 2,830
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was a little girl who wanted to meet her father, too. I'm so sad for your DD.

I think it would be okay for you to contact him and see if he would be up for seeing her. I wouldn't involve her unless he is willing to be available for having a relationship with her, though.

When I wanted to meet my biological father at 7, my mother made an appointment for me at his place of work and stayed in the car while I went in with a friend of hers. It was horrible and he said I had wasted his time. : Don't do that!
eleven is offline  
#16 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 10:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
mommyswenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
(((Peace)))

I would never do that! I'm sorry that happened to you.

Dh and I would take her to meet her bio-father together, if she wanted us both there. The meeting would be someplace neutral -- park or something -- where they would have a chance to talk one-on-one without anyone hovering (if that's what she wanted) but close enough by that we're right there if she needs us.

One other question -- should I ask dd if she wants me to contact him right now? When she's mentioned it in the past I've always told her that we felt it would be better to wait until she's a bit older. But in the past I was sort of keeping tabs on bio-father's parents, figuring I could find him through them when the time came. But the last time I checked (via on-line phone directory) there was no longer a listing for them, nor for his brother. So other than Facebook I have no way of contacting him, and part of me is scared that if I don't do this now, that will be it, kwim?

Or should I go ahead and contact him w/o saying anything to her? What happens if he tells me he doesn't want anything to do with her? Then do I tell her after the fact that I already contacted him (w/o her knowledge) and that he doesn't want to see her? I don't feel it would be right for me to keep it from her, if that is what he says.
mommyswenn is offline  
#17 of 62 Old 07-16-2007, 10:52 PM
 
eleven's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 2,830
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thanks for the hug. It was over 20 years ago and I like to think I've recovered for the most part.

I've never been in the difficult position that are you in right now, but if it were me, I think I'd contact him without discussing it with her. That way if he says no (grrr!), she won't be expecting a response, you know? If she does ask about it at a later time, you could contact him again at that point. Maybe he would need time to warm up to the idea of seeing her?

I would have no problem keeping something such as the fact that her father didn't want to see her from my daughter. That's an incredibly painful thing for a child to hear, especially since they don't have the maturity to understand that it's not their fault. You know your child, of course, and you know what's best for her.

Good luck. I wish you and your family much light and love.
eleven is offline  
#18 of 62 Old 07-17-2007, 04:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
mommyswenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Dh and I talked to dd and asked her what she wanted to do. She asked me to contact him, so I did.

*gulp*

Guess we'll see what happens now.

We had a long, long talk about all of this, and made sure that she's prepared (as you could ever be ) for the possibility that he might not want to see her. I did ask for medical history and a letter/picture if he would be willing to do so, so hopefully at the very least we could have that. I just wish I knew what to expect. Please, think good thoughts and send positive vibes that this works out in the best possible way (whatever way that might be) for my dd...

Darcey
mommyswenn is offline  
#19 of 62 Old 07-17-2007, 05:47 AM
 
CaraNicole's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: in the Deathly Hallows
Posts: 1,543
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i'm going to be sending good vibes y'alls way! i really hope everything works out good for you dd's sake...
CaraNicole is offline  
#20 of 62 Old 07-17-2007, 06:23 AM
 
SquishyKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
How old is your DD?

As a kid who always wanted contact with her father, and a mom who had the ability but never did, I would say, make the contact, but keep it to yourself if it's negative.

It's a very fine line to walk here, because on one hand, you could end up being the "Bad Guy" who won't contact him for her sake, or you could end up being the bearer of bad news when you tell her that he still doesn't want contact. Either way it's a cruddy situation.

Maybe just ask him for some sort of address for when she's older. If he's changed his ways, he'll at least be open to contact. If he hasn't changed his ways, she'll eventually find out what kind of person he is. It's hard to admit, but a lot of this is up to her in the end. I had no contact with my dad from the time I was 5 until I was 17. When I finally contacted him again, I found that I had a younger sister and all sorts of stuff. In the end, I decided he was not a good person, and cut him back out of my life. But being able to finally decide that for myself was important, so please keep that in mind.
SquishyKitty is offline  
#21 of 62 Old 07-17-2007, 09:58 AM
 
Alkenny's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: ...life is beautiful all the time
Posts: 11,759
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For your daughter's sake, I hope it all goes well!
Alkenny is offline  
#22 of 62 Old 07-20-2007, 10:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
mommyswenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Update:

It looks like I may get that "Made for TV" movie ending after all...

Turns out that dd's bio-father set up his facebook account specifically in hopes of finding us. We've had several messages back and forth on facebook and have talked on the phone once. We're making plans to meet face-to-face in a couple of weeks (we both have holidays planned before then), first just him and I, then with our spouses and then with dd. I'm not sure exactly the timeline for all of that -- if it will all be in the same weekend, or in a couple of different trips, but so far everything seems really positive. My dh, understandably, is having probably the hardest time with all of this -- hopefully as this progresses he will be able to become more comfortable with everything.

Anyways, just wanted to post a quick update. Please continue to send good thoughts our way!
mommyswenn is offline  
#23 of 62 Old 07-20-2007, 11:00 PM
 
2 in August's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 6,467
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
That's a great start! I hope for everyone's sake that it all goes well. Keep us posted. We'd love to hear a happy ending.
2 in August is offline  
#24 of 62 Old 07-20-2007, 11:09 PM
 
babygrant's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 7,834
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What a great update. Subbing to this thread!
babygrant is offline  
#25 of 62 Old 07-20-2007, 11:27 PM
 
Azuralea's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 1,072
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm glad it has worked out so far.

My only suggestion is that you talk frankly to your daughter about the possibility of cold feet. I had a friend with a similar situation (though the biodad was older as was she) and her UAV of a sperm donor father flaked on the meeting. : Said he just wasn't ready. Later it did happen, and thankfully she was 21 and so somewhat able to handle it, but it really shook her to her core.
Azuralea is offline  
#26 of 62 Old 07-21-2007, 11:42 AM
 
HelloKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Next door to the possums
Posts: 11,874
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
So glad to hear it's working out well so far, sending mcuh vibes your way for continued good progress!!

Great for nature studies! http://www.pleinairkids.com
Plein Air Kids - Handmade wooden art boxes for Budding Artists.
HelloKitty is offline  
#27 of 62 Old 07-21-2007, 11:49 AM
 
Outofmymindyo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Olympia, WA
Posts: 1,093
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
As someone whose father gave them and their brother up (I was also 2) I would say don't do it. I was 12 when he decided he wanted to "come back into my life" and a month later was gone again as fast as he came back. If it wasn't for the time when I was 12, I probably wouldn't have such strong feelings about being abandoned. To this day I wish I had never met the man enough to remember it. It pisses me off terribly that he never wanted anything to do with me or my brother, and that my child will never know him as a grandfather.

I'd say not to do it. Let her do it when she's old enough to REALLY make the decision herself.
Outofmymindyo is offline  
#28 of 62 Old 07-21-2007, 12:51 PM
 
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: with the wildlife
Posts: 18,213
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Sending positive vibes your way. And hugs for your dh. This must be tough for him, but sounds like he is doing his best for his dd.

 
QueenOfTheMeadow is offline  
#29 of 62 Old 07-21-2007, 02:06 PM
Banned
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: the Circle K
Posts: 6,062
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by race_kelly View Post
Sending positive vibes your way. And hugs for your dh. This must be tough for him, but sounds like he is doing his best for his dd.
:
lalaland42 is offline  
#30 of 62 Old 08-10-2007, 11:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
mommyswenn's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,816
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quick update:

I met with dd's bio-father for lunch yesterday. It went really, really good. We spent about 2.5 hours talking -- catching up on stuff, discussing dd (of course), all sorts of stuff. More than anything, it was like having lunch with an old friend who I haven't seen in a long time... which is what he is, after all.

He and his wife are coming down tomorrow (Sat.) -- dh and I are going out for supper with them, then after supper his wife and I will kind of do our own thing, to give dh and him a chance to talk. Then on Sunday, dh and I will bring dd to their hotel to meet them, and the five of us will probably grab a bite to eat somewhere and then just hang out for the day.

Please keep us in your thoughts -- I'm sure everything will go well this weekend, but good vibes never hurt! I'll be sure to update after the weekend.
mommyswenn is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off