Mother as "bm" or "birth/bio" mother, or, Why I don't come to this forum - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 04:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
CorasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Standing on my head
Posts: 2,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm divorced, and my ex is marrying his gf of nearly 4 years in May, and I'm marrying my fiance in a little less than 8 weeks. God knows I could use the help with the adjustments we are all making to this new blended family, and especially from other AP/NFL moms. So I belong here, right? Nope. I feel horribly uncomfortable here, and I'll tell you why.

Every time I come to this forum, I get so angry, I cannot "hear" what people have to say, over their screaming insulting attitude toward the mothers of their stepchildren.

I see stepmoms calling the mothers of their stepchildren "birth mothers" "bio mothers" : or worse, "bm"s :Puke .

Now, before you jump down my throat, I am not talking about those mothers who have abandoned or all-but-abandoned their children and you are raising them 100%. If you are in that situation, you can certainly make a case for calling her that.

I am talking about the moms who are being moms to their children, even if they do not have primary custody. Calling the mother of your stepchildren something other than their mother is beyond insulting.

A little more background, and why I understand the difference and make these distinctions. I do have primary custody of my DD, and she spends one week each at Xmas and Spring breaks, and 6 weeks in the summer, with her Dad, who lives 2800 miles away. Her dad is my DXH, who I married when she was three, then he adopted her when she was 4. So there is someone who does not get the moniker of father, just "birth" or "bio" father. This is because he abdicated all his duties and rights as a father.

DXH's fiancee would never call me Cora's "birthmother", "biomother" or "bm". I am Cora's mother. Just because my DXH gets married, doesn't make me less her mother. His Fiancee is not adopting her, and I am not going to parent any less. But even if we switched for whatever reason, and he had primary physical custody, and I only visitation, I would still be her mother.

She will be Cora's stepmother, and a wonderful one at that. But a stepmother nonetheless. If I heard that she was calling me Cora's birthmother, biomother, or "bm", I would flip my effing lid. Of course, she is a wonderful person and would never be so insulting to me or Cora.

I understand that you love your stepchildren. Many of you have come to love them as your own. That is so wonderful, it really is. Children deserve as much love as they can get, and they deserve to have all their parents, step- included, love them. And I understand that you may have a great deal (or hopefully less) of animosity and/or strife or contention or stress with her. But unless their mother abdicates her role, she is their mother. Period.

Also, frankly, I see using these names as a symptom of a larger attitude towards your stepchildren's mothers, and it cannot be good for the family dynamic. Just something to think about.

So, as I don my flameproof suit, I leave this forum again, with the exception of this thread.

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
CorasMama is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 04:45 PM
 
lovingmommyhood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 6,399
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
I totally agree.

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
lovingmommyhood is offline  
#3 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 04:55 PM
 
lilsishomemade's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: With Dorothy
Posts: 1,512
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
See, I agree with this. I call dh's ex D's mother. Here's where it gets tricky: people get upset because I call D my stepson. Not always, but when I think it's important for people to know (like, why he isn't around all the time). I've been told that calling him my stepson shows that I single him out in the group. Maybe people who use "birthmom" are those who refuse to call these kids their stepchildren, and use "birthmom" to clarify?? I don't know, I'm definitely not flaming you, I really do agree.
lilsishomemade is offline  
#4 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 04:57 PM
 
Oriole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: by the ocean, lakes and mountains
Posts: 4,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I never thought of the term as insulting, and use it only in this forum just as freely as I use sm. *shrug*

DSD, on the very first day I met her many many years ago, was telling me her life story, and pointed to her dad and said "that is my biological father, and at home I have a stepfather". I'll never forget it, and it made me smile, and it made him smile. It is what it is... blended family blends biology and circumstances.

I don't think "BM" was developed out of disrespect to mothers, I thought it was simply a shorthand freely used to shorten the time of typing and reexplaining complex family dynamics over the internet. I didn't realize it offends moms on here. I'll try to be more sensitive to the issue.


Truly, though, I had no idea it is offensive to others. I thought "stepmom" sounds a lot scarier than "bio mom" anyway heh

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
Oriole is offline  
#5 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 05:02 PM
 
Individuation's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Babymooning...
Posts: 1,865
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovingmommyhood View Post
I totally agree.
:

for real
Individuation is offline  
#6 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 06:29 PM
 
ookami's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 121
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ah, it's just like the skids argument all over again! so productive in actually creating a place for us to go to talk about blended and step families... NOT!
ookami is offline  
#7 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 06:38 PM
 
Molliejo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 1,797
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ookami View Post
ah, it's just like the skids argument all over again! so productive in actually creating a place for us to go to talk about blended and step families... NOT!
Right on. I think if someone finds the term 'biomom' negative then it stems from something they are bringing to the table. I don't think the term is meant to hurt anyone or has any kind of negative meaning.

mom to sam arlo (5), olive loretta (3)....and twin girls Annie and Ramona Jean, born 3/10.

Molliejo is offline  
#8 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 06:41 PM
 
Papooses's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Finger Lakes region ~ NY
Posts: 649
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm with Oriole Skids also vaguely reminds me of unclean underwear but that doesn't mean I assume anyone intends it that way

No one ever said you are "less" Cora's mother now that someone else is married to her father & yes, if you're also in a relationship with another man, then I'd differentiate between the 2 as Biodad/Stepdad. It's just easier to keep track of in a busy public forum :

I think this thread speaks more about your own personal *issues* rather than anything or anyone else here & I also believe no one here or anywhere else deserves to feel bad for using the accronym BM....

It's life. Sometimes it sucks. But it can be better when we stop deflecting our issues onto others
Papooses is offline  
#9 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 06:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
CorasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Standing on my head
Posts: 2,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
I never thought of the term as insulting, and use it only in this forum just as freely as I use sm. *shrug*
That doesn't mean that it isn't, though! And I can only hope that those who hadn't thought of it as insulting, after seeing this, will understand that it is, and stop using it.

FWIW, my stepmom (even though she and my dad divorced 10 years ago) calls me her daughter. I love it, but partially only because my mom died 6 years ago, and she has really stepped in to fill part of the emotional void. But she doesn't call herself my mom, or my mom my bio/birth mom, just my mom.

I have had 3 step parents in my life, all while I was a child. And the "step" title only worked in one direction. They were my step mothers and my step father, but I was daughter to them all. I liked that. Basically, they all gave me equal love, without stepping on the toes/rights of my mother and father.

But in a forum like this, I can see referring to stepkids as stepkids to make things clearer. Like, it would be odd (for a mama, not a papa) to say "my daughter's mother" unless you were in a two-mommy family, yk?

I guess I don't see stepmom/stepdad as a "lesser" title. I just don't want a "qualifier" on my motherhood title. I see "step" as a clarifier, not qualifier or quantifier. But "birth/bio" is a qualifier, and sometimes a quantifier, especially because it calls to mind the first parent of an adopted child, who has abdicated their role.

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
CorasMama is online now  
#10 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 06:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
CorasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Standing on my head
Posts: 2,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Papooses View Post
I'm with Oriole Skids also vaguely reminds me of unclean underwear but that doesn't mean I assume anyone intends it that way

No one ever said you are "less" Cora's mother now that someone else is married to her father & yes, if you're also in a relationship with another man, then I'd differentiate between the 2 as Biodad/Stepdad. It's just easier to keep track of in a busy public forum :

I think this thread speaks more about your own personal *issues* rather than anything or anyone else here & I also believe no one here or anywhere else deserves to feel bad for using the accronym BM....

It's life. Sometimes it sucks. But it can be better when we stop deflecting our issues onto others
Wow! so all the others who agree with me have my own personal issues?

and how much harder is dad/stepdad to keep track of than biodad/stepdad?

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
CorasMama is online now  
#11 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 06:45 PM
 
woobysma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: over the moon
Posts: 2,997
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No flames, here, either.
I do understand the need on an online forum for some short-hand, so I try not to get worked up about it. I don't like referring to DP's ex as DSS's BM, though. It feels weird to me and (in my own head) feels disrespectful to the role she plays in T's life. She has primary custody, she's not his "bio-mom", she's just his "MOM".
I dunno, part of me thinks it might just be semantics, but I think often it frames the kind attitude the poster has about their DSC's "other parent". I might get more worked up if I thought there was some woman out there calling me "bio mom", but I don't think there is.
woobysma is offline  
#12 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 06:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
CorasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Standing on my head
Posts: 2,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by ookami View Post
ah, it's just like the skids argument all over again! so productive in actually creating a place for us to go to talk about blended and step families... NOT!
And what I'm saying is that referring to mothers and fathers with terms that are elsewhere nearly always reserved for parents who have given up their children is not productive in actually creating a place for us to go to talk about blended and step families. And I'm not the only one who feels this way. So how hard is it to be more sensitive in your language?

All I'm saying is that this is why I don't feel comfortable or made welcome in this forum. And no, it's not my "issues", thank you all very much. I'm very happy and comfortable in my blended family-in-the-making. And I loved the way my blended family as a kid worked, as far as these issues go. It's the way moms on my side of the blended family are frequently referred to here that gets my panties in a twist.

and I'm not the only one.

So how hard is it to be more sensitive in our language?

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
CorasMama is online now  
#13 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 07:24 PM
 
kblackstone444's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 3,729
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
As a Biological Mother and a Stepmother, I never considered it insulting, just a way of differentiating between the two. I understand the BM part- my Grandparents used to use that word for poop- and therefore I don't use that one, but I have used biologial Mother in reference to my stepdaughter's Mother as well as just saying "my stepdaughter's Mother" when I need to clarify it. However way you say it, there is a Biological Mother and a Stepmother, right? Sometimes, you just need to clarify- you'd be surprised how many people get comfused when I refer to my stepdaughter's Biological Mother as my "little girl's Mother":. Believe me, I'd rather be refered to as a Biological Mother than a Stepmother any day!

Speaking of which, I maybe the original poster has issues, maybe she doesn't, but I don't think it's fair to just pass off her feeling as just "she's wrong, she has issues". I suspect in at either end of a blended family, there's gonna be "issues" of some sort because, let's face it, no matter how well your family gets along, the fact of the matter is, everyone ends of feeling displaced by someone else, whether the other people try to of not simply because a stepfamily is not the natural order of family.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
kblackstone444 is offline  
#14 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 07:31 PM
 
Papooses's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Finger Lakes region ~ NY
Posts: 649
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This is like when 1 black man dislikes the term "African American" because after visiting Africa he doesn't feel African -- that's *his* thing & a mature/healthy/whatever individual realizes that it just doesn't serve anyone to try to force others to be more mindful ... especially when lots & lots of people do prefer African American over black.

Honestly, getting one's panties in a twist over the issue of Bio or Birthmother to the point of puting the blame on THAT for your choosing not to feel welcome here is just not all that mature/healthy/whatever. We all choose our feelings. No one has a gun to your head *making* you feel this way.

I actually do get your point + appreciate your point about society in general relying too much on such terminology, but it is very different to be having a face-to-face conversation with people one knows where others can more easily decipher the meanings behind words vs. discussions through a computer screen.

Now, if you came here simply asking others to take your feelings into consideration when conversing with you, then that's fine. That's within your zone of influence. That's not an underhanded way of getting out of owning your feelings. Blaming others use of accronyms simply to make it easier for hundreds of people with various levels of reading comprehension, etc. to understand their threads that are totally unrelated to you is just tacky.

Sorry. I know this sounds rude, but I honestly don't see any kinder/gentler way to say it. I think the request to begin with is rude when it is presented on the premise that we're all to blame for your choice of feelings.

P.S. re: issues -- everyone has issues. My issues come through my posts. Hers over there & his over there do, too. It's just the way it is. It wasn't an attack, it was an attempt for the OP to realize that the personal issues are in fact coming through much more than necessary. Ex: the title alone passes the blame. That's an issue.
Papooses is offline  
#15 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 07:34 PM
 
lovingmommyhood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 6,399
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Papooses View Post
I think this thread speaks more about your own personal *issues* rather than anything or anyone else here & I also believe no one here or anywhere else deserves to feel bad for using the accronym BM....

It's life. Sometimes it sucks. But it can be better when we stop deflecting our issues onto others
Wow, how nice of you to turn someone's valid feelings around on them. I guess if somebody is offended it just doesn't matter right? I'll keep that in mind next time something comes up that is offensive. "It's life".

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
lovingmommyhood is offline  
#16 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 07:36 PM
 
lovingmommyhood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 6,399
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Papooses View Post
This is like when 1 black man dislikes the term "African American" because after visiting Africa he doesn't feel African -- that's *his* thing & a mature/healthy/whatever individual realizes that it just doesn't serve anyone to try to force others to be more mindful ... especially when lots & lots of people do prefer African American over black.



Sorry. I know this sounds rude, but I honestly don't see any kinder/gentler way to say it. I think the request to begin with is rude when it is presented on the premise that we're all to blame for your choice of feelings.

P.S. re: issues -- everyone has issues. My issues come through my posts. Hers over there & his over there do, too. It's just the way it is. It wasn't an attack.

I think it's pretty clear that she isn't the *only* one who feels that way. So, how many people does it take for you to take it as a legitimate issue?

Mommy to THREE sweet boys & ONE sweet girl + a newb due in February!  I need a nap. 
lovingmommyhood is offline  
#17 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 07:37 PM
 
Papooses's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Finger Lakes region ~ NY
Posts: 649
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What isn't valid is saying that her choice not to post here is our fault.

Please re-read ... I already said that I do agree over-relying on such "titles" is a valid issue in society in general, but I absolutely do not agree with the blame for her choice in how to deal with the feelings being passed on to the whole forum.

If she'd simply left out the blame I'd be fully supportive.
Papooses is offline  
#18 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 07:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
CorasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Standing on my head
Posts: 2,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
No, I'm not saying my choice not to join in this forum is your fault, simply that the language some use is the reason for my choice.

And how much harder is it to "decipher" the phrase "my stepchild's mother" than the phrase "my stepchild's biomother"? Seriously.

And, if we're going to get snarky, anyone going to college for ASL should certainly understand the importance and significance of qualifiers!

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
CorasMama is online now  
#19 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 07:52 PM
 
Papooses's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Finger Lakes region ~ NY
Posts: 649
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I wasn't being Snarky, just honest -- I am sorry it's difficult to see someone disagree with your approach to the subject....

Again, I do agree that in general people over-use it. I haven't once argued against that point.

However, as a BIO/BIRTHMOM, the qualifier doesn't offend me in the least: I turn any chance of taking it offensively & make it a proud thing. YES, it was me & only me who gave birth to her & it is my genes in her! Nothing can take that away unless I let it, or make it.
Papooses is offline  
#20 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 08:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
CorasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Standing on my head
Posts: 2,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
But you agree it is a qualifier. And as you know, a qualifier alters the meaning. And we can't all go saying, well, when I said red apple, I didn't mean what nearly everyone else thinks of as a red apple, I meant any apple, which is still an apple, after all.

Try going into your ASL teacher, or even better a deaf person, and using the C handshape for moon instead of a modified C (depending on the region, of course, you may need to switch this), and up toward the sky instead of by your eye, and just tell them you thought it was more clear. Go ahead, I dare ya! (I did this in my first week of my adult hearing loss, in case you're curious how well it goes over, but don't want to make the same fool of yourself as I did )

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
CorasMama is online now  
#21 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 08:28 PM
 
loriforeman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 643
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
okay, i'm guilty of using the term "biological mother" to refer to my ex's ex.

not necessarily in this forum, but in real life...when i married jay, i married his kids, too. i never differentiated between his, mine, or our...i was "mom" to all of them. when i introduced them, i did so as "these are my children."

when hailey's mother decided to start coming around again...everyone we knew or had met since she had moved in with us knew ME as mom. hailey even called carol "carol" instead of mom...that term was reserved for me. so when people would ask, "okay, who's carol?", i would smile and say, "that's hailey's biological mother."

never was it meant to demean, only clarify. my intention is generally not to hurt...
loriforeman is offline  
#22 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 10:07 PM
 
Jilian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Posts: 12,040
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I see where you are coming from, I'd be really pissed if I knew that DS's stepmom was calling me his bio mom. I can see how it could be offensive. I am my son's mother plain and simple.

I also have a blended family but do not frequent this forum because it feels really negative to me.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
Jilian is offline  
#23 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 10:14 PM
 
loriforeman's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 643
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ah, i do understand why you might feel that way...but my emphasis was on her daughter.

each dynamic is a bit different i think...and in the written world, clarification often comes with such descriptions.

be well.
loriforeman is offline  
#24 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 11:47 PM
 
angelpie545's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Near water, with a refreshing rain
Posts: 6,466
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If my children had a stepmother, and she was referring to me as their "biological mother" or "birth mother" on a forum such as this, I would be LIVID, to say the least. I think it's insulting and disparaging. JMO.

Bethany, crunchy Christian mom to Destiny (11) Deanna (9), and Ethan (2)

angelpie545 is offline  
#25 of 264 Old 09-16-2007, 11:58 PM
 
boobybunny's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,219
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by CorasMama View Post
Wow! so all the others who agree with me have my own personal issues?

and how much harder is dad/stepdad to keep track of than biodad/stepdad?
No!!! WE DON'T!

I am taking issues with women wo are disrespecting their children by calling them skids.

I will admit, when I talk about my children's daddy or dad, I am usually talking about their step father. Their father... is more of a sperm donor and abuser than a daddy....and so feel free to label him as a bio. As in, he was there at conception, even birth, but not much after.

There were were people that used a word that felt derogatory to African Americans. They claim that no offense was intended and or it was the term associated with them, and as such it was the AA that had an issue... not the racist bigot that used the term.

There is offensive language towards women... but some pigheaded men think that calling a woman "cookie" or "sweetie" or "bitch" or "whore" or "ho" is not intended to be offensive, so the woman being called that has a problem or issue... not the misogynistic male using the term.

Do you really want to continue this fight???? Do you really want to put yourself on the level of the KKK or sexist men?
boobybunny is offline  
#26 of 264 Old 09-17-2007, 03:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
CorasMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Standing on my head
Posts: 2,353
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
No!!! WE DON'T!

I am taking issues with women wo are disrespecting their children by calling them skids.

I will admit, when I talk about my children's daddy or dad, I am usually talking about their step father. Their father... is more of a sperm donor and abuser than a daddy....and so feel free to label him as a bio. As in, he was there at conception, even birth, but not much after.

There were were people that used a word that felt derogatory to African Americans. They claim that no offense was intended and or it was the term associated with them, and as such it was the AA that had an issue... not the racist bigot that used the term.

There is offensive language towards women... but some pigheaded men think that calling a woman "cookie" or "sweetie" or "bitch" or "whore" or "ho" is not intended to be offensive, so the woman being called that has a problem or issue... not the misogynistic male using the term.

Do you really want to continue this fight???? Do you really want to put yourself on the level of the KKK or sexist men?
Umm, uh, wow. Are you directing this at me? Because I really don't understand why you're attacking me like that, especially this particular attack.

Btw, I did say I wasn't talking about parents like your ex, your situation warrants calling that guy their bio father, as did the situation w/ Cora's bio father, even before DXH adopted her.

But I still don't understand why you seem to be directing this at me, so I hope you're not.

scifi-convention runners Kate, DH Drew 11/07, DD Cora 12/97. We , ,
Welcome to baby Fiona with a giant omphalocele, 6/17/10!
CorasMama is online now  
#27 of 264 Old 09-17-2007, 07:34 AM
 
Molliejo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Cary, NC
Posts: 1,797
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
No!!! WE DON'T!

I am taking issues with women wo are disrespecting their children by calling them skids.

I will admit, when I talk about my children's daddy or dad, I am usually talking about their step father. Their father... is more of a sperm donor and abuser than a daddy....and so feel free to label him as a bio. As in, he was there at conception, even birth, but not much after.

There were were people that used a word that felt derogatory to African Americans. They claim that no offense was intended and or it was the term associated with them, and as such it was the AA that had an issue... not the racist bigot that used the term.

There is offensive language towards women... but some pigheaded men think that calling a woman "cookie" or "sweetie" or "bitch" or "whore" or "ho" is not intended to be offensive, so the woman being called that has a problem or issue... not the misogynistic male using the term.

Do you really want to continue this fight???? Do you really want to put yourself on the level of the KKK or sexist men?
That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read.

How can you compare these things? The argument about racist terms and the word skid is so ludicrous it's laughable. Worlds apart.

mom to sam arlo (5), olive loretta (3)....and twin girls Annie and Ramona Jean, born 3/10.

Molliejo is offline  
#28 of 264 Old 09-17-2007, 09:13 AM
 
jennlyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 485
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Maybe instead of a blended family forum we need two forums- stepmoms and "bio" moms. I do find the bio mom thing insulting as well. To me it connotates either the mother of an adopted child who is unknown to the child or a mother who has given up all rights to her child and has no contact with the child. Or maybe there could be forums for "real" moms and stepmoms. I don't think the stepmoms would like the biological mothers to be called "real" mothers while they are called stepmoms anymore than the biological moms want to be called "bio" moms and not just mom.
jennlyn is offline  
#29 of 264 Old 09-17-2007, 09:40 AM
 
Earthly_Joys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Virginia
Posts: 258
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I can totally understand how the term "BM" might be insulting to you. But it's just a term. Just like DD or DSD. I'm so happy that you get along well with your ex's girlfriend but the reality is a lot of us don't. Believe me...I think the majority of us WISH we could all get along better.

For us the ex wife was just an egg donor. She has seen DD only 7 times since she was 1. We've tried reaching out to her. Long story short...she wants nothing to do with her. BM takes NO part in raising DD...The only thing she has contributed IS DD.

I think everyone should be able to use whatever reference they see fit. Until MDC decides to divide up this forum into sections (step moms, moms who have kids that have step moms, custody issues, etc.) we're all just going to have to do our best to blend.

I really don't have any idea what else I should call the ex wife. Let's see...WWAHD. Woman who abandoned her daughter? I suppose I could just continue to call her "ex wife"...I don't care to offend anyone but still..all she is to us is a BM.

I posted recently on another thread that I'd be happy to link anyone who wanted info about another site. This other site has hundreds of groups around divorce, step parenting, good and bad relationship with step parents, etc. Basically, you can find the one that fits perfectly for you. I love MDC but I've been hoping for a long time that they'll keep this board but add a couple other sections to it so people with specific issues can vent/discuss there without offending the general population....this problem seems to come up every so often.
Earthly_Joys is offline  
#30 of 264 Old 09-17-2007, 11:49 AM
 
anj119's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Coeur d' Alene, ID
Posts: 172
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I agree with the original poster.

My need for this forum has outweighed my distaste for the way that the stepmothers discuss the mothers, but I noticed it on day one and I still notice it every time I come here.

I think one would have to be basically blind not to notice it. Or, they would have to be a stepmother.

-anj119
anj119 is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off