Would this bother you (posting DS's pics online) - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-18-2007, 09:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DS's stepmother has several pics of my son posted on a public forum for anyone to see and it bothers me. Should I address this with her? How would you go about addressing it? I generally don't post pics of my children online but occasionally will and then disable the link. I feel it is a violation of privacy. Would it bother you?

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Old 09-18-2007, 10:05 PM
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could you simply tell her your reasons for not allowing pictures of your son posted in such a way? just send an email. be sure to tell her you're happy she wants to share and that she thinks pics of your son are things people ought to want to see. be very clear that it's just a privacy issue and a safety one in your view to be sure that she doesn't think you assume she's trying to claim credit for your son.
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Old 09-18-2007, 10:09 PM
 
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Yes, it would bother me. My SIL used to have tons of pictures of my dd online. We asked her to take them down.
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Old 09-18-2007, 10:11 PM
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2 of my SILs have posted pictures of my kids (naked or basically naked no less) on their myspaces. I asked them to take them down and they did. I can't imagine posting a picture of SOMEONE ELSE'S KID online. :
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Old 09-18-2007, 10:16 PM
 
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Just talk to her. I'm sure she's feeling like a proud stepmom -- but maybe doesn't realize how you feel about it.

A.
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Old 09-19-2007, 11:19 AM
 
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Just talk to her. I'm sure she's feeling like a proud stepmom -- but maybe doesn't realize how you feel about it.

A.
Yup, I agree with this. I'd try calmly talking to her first and letting her know your reasons why you feel having her having your son's picture displayed in the interent is inappropriate.

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Old 09-19-2007, 12:08 PM
 
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Is it possible she had your ex's permission? I know everyone has a different comfort level with posting kids' pictures online.

(In which case, this may be a discussion for you and your ex.)

I've posted SD's picture on a private forum, with my partner's go-ahead (where everyone's met everyone -- this is more akin to keeping a family picture at work, in my mind), but not anywhere public.

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Old 09-19-2007, 02:24 PM
 
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I would agree with approaching your ex on this one. There is a good chance that he was okay with it. It could even be possible that he has pictures posted somewhere.

Is it an issue with the pics being posted, or is it who is doing the posting?

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Old 09-19-2007, 09:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ex does not use the computer, he does not know much about computers at all. I doubt he gave permission because he knows things like that bother me and he's ask me first. It bothers me most that she posting pictures of my son online without asking me if I mind. A few years ago some diaper pics of Ds were stolen from our online photo album and posted on that nasty diaper fettish site so I'm careful with online pics. Ex knows all about this.

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Old 09-20-2007, 11:16 AM
 
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I would still advocate for speaking with your ex about it first, and then having him speak with her. It may even be better for him to bring it up as "We should come up with a family policy on posting of pictures online" rather than "Jilian says that you are posting pics online and is upset about it." He could relay your experience with the diaper pictures (:Puke, btw).

Maybe the two of you get along well, but I could see her getting defensive if you confront her and the whole thing turning into a big ol' mess.

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Old 09-20-2007, 12:31 PM
 
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I post pics of my DSD's online (mostly myspace) but she does as well. In fact, she tells me if she taken/posted new pics of them on her myspace (she's on my friends list) so that I can use them as well.

If they're pics of the kids that I or DH have taken and are in our possession, I don't see a problem with posting them. We're their legal guardians also. Plus, she likes to post pics of them, so why would she have an issue with us doing it?

But then, we have an odd kind of friendly coexistence. I can see if one parent doesn't want pics posted for privacy reasons, and doesn't post pics of the child themselves online, then it would be an issue. That's understandable.

If the pics bother you because you don't want ANY pics of your child online, ever, then I would mention it.. or mention it to your ex. But if it's just because they're your kids and not hers so you think pic posting is your right... I would just deal. She's proud of them, and loves them. Plus it's hard for stepmoms to know the boundaries if they aren't set in stone to begin with. She probably didn't mean any harm in it.
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Old 09-20-2007, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm feeling a little better about it. I think my major problem was that I felt upset that she labeled DS's pictures as "trouble" and things like that where her daughter's pictures had endearing titles. It fed my suspicion that DS would be treated like a second-class child once she had a child of her own. Then I thought about how I would feel if she had no pictures of him and honestly, that would have made me feel even worse. I appreciate people mentioning that maybe she is just a proud stepmom showing off her kids. That makes me feel happy for DS. I am happy that his stepmom likes kids and does not treat him bad.

Thanks for showing me a different perspective.

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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Old 09-20-2007, 03:50 PM
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I'm feeling a little better about it. I think my major problem was that I felt upset that she labeled DS's pictures as "trouble" and things like that where her daughter's pictures had endearing titles.
maybe she thinks it is endearing for little boys to be "trouble" ? both DS's dad and stepdad are so proud of him when he does things like get messy, makes a fart joke, makes a mess, or act like a "smartass"

i'm sure i would have had ruffled feathers too but it may have more to do with her concept of gender than her ideas about stepchildren or you son. totally an understandable reaction.
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Old 09-20-2007, 05:36 PM
 
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I'm feeling a little better about it. I think my major problem was that I felt upset that she labeled DS's pictures as "trouble" and things like that where her daughter's pictures had endearing titles. It fed my suspicion that DS would be treated like a second-class child once she had a child of her own. Then I thought about how I would feel if she had no pictures of him and honestly, that would have made me feel even worse. I appreciate people mentioning that maybe she is just a proud stepmom showing off her kids. That makes me feel happy for DS. I am happy that his stepmom likes kids and does not treat him bad.

Thanks for showing me a different perspective.
Wow.. how refreshing to hear that from a 'real' momma about a stepmomma. It is SO hard to step back and look at things from the opposite perspective. I'm so guilty of jumping to conclusions about DSDs' mom.. it really just stems from being unsure and insecure. She's lucky to have a co-parent like you, IMO.
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Old 09-20-2007, 05:48 PM
 
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Oh ya it really bothers me, the stepmom (which was the mistress at one time) has posted first her new baby in her tummy on myspace, then the baby and now a picture of herself my son, xhusband and new baby all a happy little family. Like they are such a great complete family. Yuck................!

I know she does it to provoke me, she wants a reaction from me.
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Old 09-20-2007, 05:51 PM
 
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Oh ya it really bothers me, the stepmom (which was the mistress at one time) has posted first her new baby in her tummy on myspace, then the baby and now a picture of herself my son, xhusband and new baby all a happy little family. Like they are such a great complete family. Yuck................!

I know she does it to provoke me, she wants a reaction from me.
Are you sure it's not just that she considers her stepson a part of the family and wants to include him? I would never want to exclude my stepdaughters when talking about family, even after I have biological children.
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Old 09-20-2007, 06:00 PM
 
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Again I have a hard time forgiving her... I was married when she chose to have an affair with my husband. And even though she new we were married she continued to encourage him to leave me. It hurts deeply to see a photo posted on myspace of a family that I once had but couldn't keep.

I tried everything to keep us together, he told me that he didnt love me and that he loved her.
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Old 09-20-2007, 06:05 PM
 
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Hugs mama, that is understandable. I have been cheated on by a boyfriend of just a couple of years and that feeling was bad enough. I can't imagine have that kind of betrayal in your marriage...

Although if it was me I'd probably be blaming the ex more than the mistress. After all, he allowed it to happen in the first place, right? I'm a big believer in letting bygones be bygones, though. Try to look for the positive in the situation... be glad that she's willing to include your son as a part of their family. Even if the situation isn't ideal, it could be worse... she could resent your son and alienate him.
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Old 09-20-2007, 11:19 PM
 
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Are you sure it's not just that she considers her stepson a part of the family and wants to include him? I would never want to exclude my stepdaughters when talking about family, even after I have biological children.
What happened to make them a blended family sounds really horrible, and I can empathize with how crappy it must make you feel. On the other hand, though, your ds would probably feel pretty crappy if he was always left out of the family picture.

My dsd's mom was upset when we took family pictures. Taking the picture honestly had nothing to do with her... I never even thought that she would have a problem with it until I was addressing Christmas cards (We took a silly photo to send out for the holidays) and DF told me that I had better not send her one (We are normally pretty friendly and sending her a Christmas card seemed normal to me - we got her a Christmas gift). We just took pictures because we were/are proud of our little family. Taking a picture without DSD never would have occurred to me - she is just as much a part of the family as any of us. Heck, said family picture even had the dog in it!.

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Old 09-21-2007, 03:53 PM
 
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I understand its better to include ds in pics. I am working real hard on forgiveness, cause thats the only way things will get better. Sometimes I feel that the stepmom is trying to wedge my relationship w/ds. In our last custody hearing, she wrote a 45 page affidivit about what a wonderful mother she is and how miserable I have made her life. It cuts deep to know that my x and her feel that they are more fit because they have a complete family and it would make things easier for them if I was completely out of the picture.

My other problem is that she has overstepped her boundaries many times and my poor son ends up in the middle. He conveys msgs to me all the time. It is quite damaging to him. I have suggested that they take a step parenting class to learn more about boundaries. I have even emailed my x on many occassions suggesting that if he has a problem with my parenting abilities he needs to communicate directly to me not our 4 yr old son. Yes I could go on,on, on.

I really don't have a problem with stepmoms and I appreciate that point of view.

I am happy he is in the picture but unhappy that I lost the completeness.

Anyway I am trying to deal with her in a positive manner but I know she is always looking for a way to shut me out of my son life and I will have to learn how to cope w/her for the next 18yrs. Unless my x pulls the same stunt on her that he pulled on me.

I have temporary custody right now, we have not agreed to a stipulation agreement, I could loose custody at anytime.
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Old 09-21-2007, 04:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mtnmumma I can relate a lot to your story and I know how hard it is. Ex tried to do the same thing to me and take my son away, it sucked that he was willing to do that and it really hurt. He even tried to get DS to call his then girlfriend "mom" for a while, boy did that tick me off! Judges see right through that BS, trust me. I hope everything works out for you. What a crappy situation you are in.

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Old 09-21-2007, 08:28 PM
 
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I understand its better to include ds in pics. I am working real hard on forgiveness, cause thats the only way things will get better. Sometimes I feel that the stepmom is trying to wedge my relationship w/ds. In our last custody hearing, she wrote a 45 page affidivit about what a wonderful mother she is and how miserable I have made her life. It cuts deep to know that my x and her feel that they are more fit because they have a complete family and it would make things easier for them if I was completely out of the picture.
Wow, I never thought I would find someone in a similar situation as ours. Do not let this person into your life at all. She is poison and doesn't deserve to be given a second thought. As far as the pictures issue, I think it's a personal matter. I have pictures of my dss up on my blog but I rarely make them public. I'm proud of all my kids and like to share pictures with family and friends. My dssm put a picture of her and dss on her dating site and although I had a big issue with this I felt it wasn't my place to advise her on the dangers of advertising that she is a single mother to a beautiful son.
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Old 09-22-2007, 05:09 PM
 
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Mtnmumma, I totally understand your situation. It was one I was in.
In my case, I did lose custody and my ex and his new wife has the insta family with my daughter. It does hurt, and I'm not sure its something you ever really get over.. you just get more used to it.

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