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#1 of 32 Old 10-26-2007, 05:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I feel like I have discovered a secret... Really... I have worried about things for too long, and now I am finally coming at peace with things.

The more time passes by, the more I'm certain of the fact that stepkids KNOW "things"...
What I mean by that is that I think they KNOW when parents are trying to belittle stepparents for no reason, or when stepparents overstep their boundaries. They KNOW when parents are saying nasty things about each other without any valid reason. They KNOW it even if they choose to go along with it for some time... But even if they act up, and repeat things in a mean-spirited way they still realize which of the parents/stepaprents is acting out of greed, bitterness, crankyness, or love and patience and self-sacrifice...

Do you agree?

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#2 of 32 Old 10-26-2007, 05:51 PM
 
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Ummmmm, I think I agree. LOL. Children are capable of picking up on who is being the "bad guy" and who is not. I don't think that they continue to recognize that if they are mimicking the nasty behavior. Instead, I think they will eventually believe the negativity because it's what they've been taught. DSD was recently told by her BM over the phone that it was our (DH and I) fault that she cannot see her. I snapped the phone closed. I refuse to allow it.
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#3 of 32 Old 10-26-2007, 06:28 PM
 
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I think you're right. My stepdaughter's Mother did everything you could think of to make me, my Hubby and my son (a then 6 year old!!!) look bad. My stepdaughter believed it for many years, but this last year, her Mother has backed off, bigtime. Turns out, Katherine's been calling her a liar. I guess it backfired!

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#4 of 32 Old 10-26-2007, 06:30 PM
 
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I hope you are right.

mom to sam arlo (5), olive loretta (3)....and twin girls Annie and Ramona Jean, born 3/10.

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#5 of 32 Old 10-26-2007, 08:48 PM
 
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Kids are so much smarter than people think ..
My 7 year old knows so much about all aspects of his 2 family situation
without us having to say anything to him ..
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#6 of 32 Old 10-26-2007, 09:39 PM
 
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They know a lot.

One thing they tend to not get right, though, is everyone's respective role in the parental break-up. Never mind that you'd not met any of them until a year after the split.

(Yes, we've hit a milestone -- SD blamed me for the fact her parents aren't living together anymore. I got that and "YOU AREN'T MY REAL MOM" in the same week. Gotta love 5.)

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Spouse (the political geek) * Stepdaughter (the artist) * and introducing...the Baby (um, he's a baby? He likes shiny things).
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#7 of 32 Old 10-27-2007, 12:20 AM
 
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Do you think they know even when you pretend everything is hunky-dory all of the time?

We never say a bad word about DSD's mom in front of her. I think (?) that she is pretty good about not saying bad things about us. We try really hard to make it appear as if we get along. And a lot of the time we do.

But there is always some sort of tension there.

I wonder if she will someday pick up on it.

But maybe not, since her mom plans on moving halfway across the globe. But if that falls through, I do wonder how it will all play out.

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#8 of 32 Old 10-27-2007, 04:34 PM
 
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I really hope that DSD realizes that we aren't as bad as her mom says we are. But I'm not convinced. Of course her loyalty to her mom trumps all. And, although we never say anything negative about her mom, of course her mom does not exercise the same restraint. We hear all the negative things she says about us parroted back via DSD. Plus, she always calls to give DH crap for things when DSD is in the room with her listening.

The unfortunate thing is, if she does eventually realize her mom is telling lies, that's going to more emotionally damaging to her than believing the stuff she says.

Sometimes I really want to pull out that Auntie Em line: for __ years I've been dying to tell you what I thought of you, and now - Well, being a Christian woman I can't say it!

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#9 of 32 Old 10-28-2007, 01:13 PM
 
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I read a book about step-parenting really early on, and it made that point really clear. There is nothing a step-parent can do to damage a child's relationship with their parent, and if you tried, the only relationship you will damage is YOUR relationship with your step-child. Even if you try subtly...

The authors said that if there is something negative about their parent, or something negative about their relationship with their parent (their parent is controlling or overly permissive, or whatever) the child will figure that out for themselves as they grow up, just as they would with both parents living together. As a step-parent you want to protect the child from the bad relationship, but someone told me the best you can do is to provide a different kind of relationship and to give them the love and support they might need if they someday have to come to terms with their parent's problems.

The absolute best thing my parents and step-parents did for me growing up was to make me believe that they all got along. As far as I knew, they were all great friends. I knew they were very different as parents, but as far as I knew they all respected each other as parents and no one ever tried to make me choose anyone over anyone else. My mother encouraged me to call my step-mother to wish her a Happy Mother's Day, and took my to buy a card or a present if I wanted to. To this day, my mother cannot say something negative to me about my father without 5 minutes of disclaimers before she spits it out. I now know that it took a LOT for them to do the things they did, and as a step-parent now, I thank them frequently for the great example they gave me.

That was my long-winded way of saying "Yes, I absolutely agree!"

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#10 of 32 Old 10-30-2007, 12:37 AM
 
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Yes, they know. I can remember having it figured out really early...like 3 or 4. My nieces are 7 and 8, my brother and their mother are divorced, they know the whole real deal.
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#11 of 32 Old 11-07-2007, 02:29 AM
 
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#12 of 32 Old 11-07-2007, 12:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
I don't agree. My SS has swallowed every bad thing his mom says about his dad completely.
I don't think it is necessarily something they "know" as in something they understand and can find a healthy way of coping with... I think some parent-child relationships can be really unhealthy, like the one your ss's mom and her kids sound like they have. I guess I believe that in the long run it is something they can come to understand, and that if we should be there to support them and be there when they do discover or start to come to terms with the problems with one of their biological parents or their relationship with a bio-parent... but that could be when they are a teenager, when they are an adult, when they are in therapy...

That idea is what gets me through some really tough times, so I am gonna stick to that belief, whether it turns out to be true or not!! I'll take my coping mechanisms where I can get them....

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#13 of 32 Old 11-07-2007, 01:53 PM
 
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#14 of 32 Old 11-07-2007, 09:28 PM
 
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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
There are situations such as those that exist in parental alienation syndrome where children completely accept views of alienating parent as their own view even when presented evidence to the contrary. This is actually a fairly common syndrome and is present in my SS and his mom. He has been sytematically brainwashed and damaged. Evertyhing good we do is twisted and turned around to seem evil. Here is an example: On vacation we took him to a live pirate dinner show. We all had a great time and had our picture made with pirate gear, hats, guns, swords. Later he told anyone that would listen that the picture shows us pointing our guns at him which proves we want to kill him and hate him. We were pointing our guns in his general dirrection but were just clowing around and doing what the photographer has said. Now the BM says it is evidence of our meanness towards him. I do pray that he will see the light someday but some of these kids never do...

Trust me, at 13 he knows. He is very confused, probably tortured emotionally if what you are saying is true. He may be acting out of fear, obligation or loyalty, but he sees through it all.

Why is his father not pushing for him to be in therapy? If the situation is as you say he is going to be a very confused and probably angry young man - he already is. He is going to look at his father and wonder why he didn't do something to help him (if his mother is as you say) and at his mother and wonder why she burdened him with all of what she is piling on him.

Kids know what is really going on, you are giving this kid no credit whatsoever. He may not like you of his own accord, lots of kids have a problem with their stepparents. He may be very angry that his parents are not together, most kids wish that their parents were still together. You are laying a lot on this kid and its not fair, he is probably doing what he can do to keep the peace and survive if things are as messed up as you say.
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#15 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 09:49 AM
 
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Trust me, at 13 he knows. He is very confused, probably tortured emotionally if what you are saying is true. He may be acting out of fear, obligation or loyalty, but he sees through it all.

Why is his father not pushing for him to be in therapy? If the situation is as you say he is going to be a very confused and probably angry young man - he already is. He is going to look at his father and wonder why he didn't do something to help him (if his mother is as you say) and at his mother and wonder why she burdened him with all of what she is piling on him.

Kids know what is really going on, you are giving this kid no credit whatsoever. He may not like you of his own accord, lots of kids have a problem with their stepparents. He may be very angry that his parents are not together, most kids wish that their parents were still together. You are laying a lot on this kid and its not fair, he is probably doing what he can do to keep the peace and survive if things are as messed up as you say.
The bolded are mine. Why are you questioning Angilyn's story? Why are you blaming HER for laying alot on her stepson when it's his MOM who's trying to hurt their relationship? Like most children in situations like this, he's possibly feeling torn between his Mother and his Father and Stepmother, but it would make sense for him to pretend to, or even convince himself to hate his Father and/or Stepmother, if it meant that by not doing so, he would lose his Mother's approval and possibly her love. Unfortunatly, children will do anything to continue to be loved by a parent, even if it means completely denying the other parent, even if he THINKS his parent will stop loving him if he loves the other parent, too. I was in a similar situation when my stepdaughter was younger. Her Mother outright told her (at age 4) that if she loves me, she must not still love her Mother and is trying to make me her Mother instead. (Thankfully, her Mother has pretty much mellowed out since then, so that's not very common anymore.) I would be LIVID if someone had implied that it was somehow my fault that she didn't like me or that she was in that situation, or had implied that I was exaggerating or making things up when I said something about it. "If things were as I said..." :

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#16 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 02:28 PM
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Trust me, at 13 he knows. He is very confused, probably tortured emotionally if what you are saying is true. He may be acting out of fear, obligation or loyalty, but he sees through it all.

Why is his father not pushing for him to be in therapy? If the situation is as you say he is going to be a very confused and probably angry young man - he already is. He is going to look at his father and wonder why he didn't do something to help him (if his mother is as you say) and at his mother and wonder why she burdened him with all of what she is piling on him.

Kids know what is really going on, you are giving this kid no credit whatsoever. He may not like you of his own accord, lots of kids have a problem with their stepparents. He may be very angry that his parents are not together, most kids wish that their parents were still together. You are laying a lot on this kid and its not fair, he is probably doing what he can do to keep the peace and survive if things are as messed up as you say.
Wow. How rude and hurtful. I can't even post about how angry this post makes me, I'm too upset right now.

Angilyn, pm me if you need to. I understand, I really do.

So, cycle, what's "blended" about your family?
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#17 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 02:42 PM
 
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So, cycle, what's "blended" about your family?
Maybe she was a stepchild once, or maybe her partner remarried. Maybe she had stepchildren once.

However, even if there was nothing 'blended' about her family, she would still be welcome to this forum.

mom to sam arlo (5), olive loretta (3)....and twin girls Annie and Ramona Jean, born 3/10.

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#18 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 02:50 PM
 
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What I mean by that is that I think they KNOW when parents are trying to belittle stepparents for no reason, or when stepparents overstep their boundaries. They KNOW when parents are saying nasty things about each other without any valid reason. They KNOW it even if they choose to go along with it for some time
Yeah, most definitely. I was a step kid at age 7 perhaps, and my dad was always bashing my mom and making mean comments about my step dad.
My brother and I definitely both knew that he was blowing smoke.

But you're right- I'm sure I DID use some of those mean things when I got into fights with my stepdad. You know, anything to push buttons, and all.
Though, and I don't know how much of a difference this makes, we got along most of the time (my stepdad and I). He knew that I liked him most of the time, and we did some fun things as a family and all had a good time, and all that.

And my mom and my step dad didn't let on one negative thing about my dad, until we were old enough to understand some of the things he did (stole money from my mom to buy pot, so we had no grocery money, threw glass bottles at her, things like that). But we were teens at that point, so it had been YEARS of them knowing that he talked crud about them, and they didn't say anything bad to us about him.
I'm sure I was aware of it at that time, but especially now I have a lot of respect for them for doing that.

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#19 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 03:00 PM
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Maybe she was a stepchild once, or maybe her partner remarried. Maybe she had stepchildren once.

However, even if there was nothing 'blended' about her family, she would still be welcome to this forum.
That's why I'm asking, I don't know what her experience is in blended families.
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#20 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 03:30 PM
 
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I don't agree. My SS has swallowed every bad thing his mom says about his dad completely. They both also love to badmouth me at every opportunity. He is 13 and has an unhealthy husbandly like relationship with his mom. He is the little man and to keep his little man position he must think, behave and be just like her. He has told me that his mom had even shared with him what she and his dad had done in the bedroom--she shares everything. To keep this powerful position of confidant he must close his eyes to anything good in his dad and me.Unhealthy, you bet.
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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
There are situations such as those that exist in parental alienation syndrome where children completely accept views of alienating parent as their own view even when presented evidence to the contrary. This is actually a fairly common syndrome and is present in my SS and his mom. He has been sytematically brainwashed and damaged. Evertyhing good we do is twisted and turned around to seem evil. Here is an example: On vacation we took him to a live pirate dinner show. We all had a great time and had our picture made with pirate gear, hats, guns, swords. Later he told anyone that would listen that the picture shows us pointing our guns at him which proves we want to kill him and hate him. We were pointing our guns in his general dirrection but were just clowing around and doing what the photographer has said. Now the BM says it is evidence of our meanness towards him. I do pray that he will see the light someday but some of these kids never do...
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The bolded are mine. Why are you questioning Angilyn's story? Why are you blaming HER for laying alot on her stepson when it's his MOM who's trying to hurt their relationship? Like most children in situations like this, he's possibly feeling torn between his Mother and his Father and Stepmother, but it would make sense for him to pretend to, or even convince himself to hate his Father and/or Stepmother, if it meant that by not doing so, he would lose his Mother's approval and possibly her love. Unfortunatly, children will do anything to continue to be loved by a parent, even if it means completely denying the other parent, even if he THINKS his parent will stop loving him if he loves the other parent, too. I was in a similar situation when my stepdaughter was younger. Her Mother outright told her (at age 4) that if she loves me, she must not still love her Mother and is trying to make me her Mother instead. (Thankfully, her Mother has pretty much mellowed out since then, so that's not very common anymore.) I would be LIVID if someone had implied that it was somehow my fault that she didn't like me or that she was in that situation, or had implied that I was exaggerating or making things up when I said something about it. "If things were as I said..." :
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Wow. How rude and hurtful. I can't even post about how angry this post makes me, I'm too upset right now.

Angilyn, pm me if you need to. I understand, I really do.

So, cycle, what's "blended" about your family?
Before everyone jumps to conclusions take a step back, I know as a mother (not a stepmother) I may be the enemy here but take it easy.

See angilyn's two post at the top (the top two posts I quoted). I have bolded what I meant about her laying a lot on the 13 year old. In particular the first post, she is directly laying responsibility on him. Thats what I mean about her laying a lot on him, he is only 13 and he is obviously, as a lot of kids from divorced families, stuck in the middle. He is doing what he can to survive, he lives with his mom, he has been through years of manipulation and being used as a pawn.

Harleyhalfmoon, I am saying much of the same thing you are saying, but in her first post she really laid a lot of the responsibility on the 13 year - read what I bolded. How is what I am saying any different than what you are saying?

I wasn't implying that she was lying, but there are two sides to every story and I am sure that the mother's story is vastly different than angilyn's - thats all I was saying. We are only hearing one side, so if it is actually exactly what she says then this is my opinion. In her first post she sounds angry at her stepson and she is saying he is doing this this and this. He is obvioulsy a confused child who needs help, not people laying the responsibility of maintaining equality between his parents on him.

There was nothing rude about my post, I'm not sure where you saw rudeness.

Oh, and I was a stepchild, I know far too well the dynamics of blended families and the differences in stories depending on which side you talked to.
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#21 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 03:57 PM
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Before everyone jumps to conclusions take a step back, I know as a mother (not a stepmother) I may be the enemy here but take it easy.
Wow. Again? Most people in this folder here are mothers AND stepmothers.

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I wasn't implying that she was lying, but there are two sides to every story and I am sure that the mother's story is vastly different than angilyn's - thats all I was saying.
Well then, I certainly hope she has somewhere to discuss and vent and share her pain without having it dismissed by people who have no idea what her situation is. If only angilyn had the same opportunity.....

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We are only hearing one side, so if it is actually exactly what she says then this is my opinion. In her first post she sounds angry at her stepson and she is saying he is doing this this and this. He is obvioulsy a confused child who needs help, not people laying the responsibility of maintaining equality between his parents on him.
I agree with this, but I'm sure she already knows this, and I guarantee you, it's a heckuva lot easier said than done. Stepparents are human beings too, and it's pretty hard to put up with being abused yourself or watching your spouse be abused and have nothing but 24/7/365 sympathy for the people causing the pain.
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#22 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 05:01 PM
 
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Wow. Again? Most people in this folder here are mothers AND stepmothers.



Well then, I certainly hope she has somewhere to discuss and vent and share her pain without having it dismissed by people who have no idea what her situation is. If only angilyn had the same opportunity.....



I agree with this, but I'm sure she already knows this, and I guarantee you, it's a heckuva lot easier said than done. Stepparents are human beings too, and it's pretty hard to put up with being abused yourself or watching your spouse be abused and have nothing but 24/7/365 sympathy for the people causing the pain.

I have sympathy for everyone involved in a blended family, it is difficult for all involved but especially for the children. Her dss did not cause the break-up of his family, I guarantee he doesn't want it the way it is but he doesn't have the coping mechanisms to deal with it. He original post was blaming him and I was shocked at that, thats what I meant by her putting it off on him.

Um, who dismissed her? I surely didn't, I think she needs to realize that it is NOT on the dss to manage the relationships and if she is going to go public and vent about him then she should expect people to call her on it. HE IS 13, he is not the adult. The only obvious thing to me is that the child is hurting so the adults feelings are secondary, they are more equipped to deal with it. Instead of complaining her about her dsd maybe she should be asking for advice on how to get her DH to get help for his son instead of just laying blame. If she feels like she is being abused by her dss she needs to be the adult and convince her DH to help this child, she can be mad at his mother all she wants but its not going to help dss at all.

You were extreme with your reaction to my original post and there is a ton of anti-mom stuff on this section, you haven't been here long enough to see it maybe. Your reaction was obvioulsy about more than just my post as you were questioning what place I actually had here.

She posted what her situation is, I posted in response, if she didn't want comments then maybe don't post on this kind of forum. I'm not sure why you are speaking for her anyway. Nobody has taken away her place to vent, if you think because someone calls you on something or maybe gives an opinion that you don't like that they are being mean or not allowing you to vent, this may not be the right place for you.
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#23 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 05:14 PM
 
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Nobody has taken away her place to vent, if you think because someone calls you on something or maybe gives an opinion that you don't like that they are being mean or not allowing you to vent, this may not be the right place for you.
Again, if I vented and someone replied with, "Well, IF what you say is true...", I'd say that's someone taking away my right to vent without being called a liar. That's not giving your opinion, it's saying, "I don't believe what you're saying is true..". And if she doesn't like it, where would you suggest she goes? Think they'll want to hear about her "Blended and Step Family Parenting" issues over in the "Arts and Crafts" forum or maybe the "Pets" forum?

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#24 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 05:16 PM
 
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#25 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 05:22 PM
 
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Again, if I vented and someone replied with, "Well, IF what you say is true...", I'd say that's someone taking away my right to vent without being called a liar. That's not giving your opinion, it's saying, "I don't believe what you're saying is true..". And if she doesn't like it, where would you suggest she goes? Think they'll want to hear about her "Blended and Step Family Parenting" issues over in the "Arts and Crafts" forum or maybe the "Pets" forum?
I didn't say "IF what you say is true" theres a big difference in saying that and what I said. As I said, there are two sides to every story, especially in these situations. The way she came off in the first post blaming her dss made me suspect, kill me, I'm human. Nobody else here ever calls anyone on anything they post? Really, I must be in the wrong place then.

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Originally Posted by norajane View Post
She has started other threads about her situation doing just that.

Also, I really don't think that there is 'a ton of anti-mom' stuff on here. If there is I am sure it doesn't even compare against the amount of 'anti-dad' stuff in other forums.
I haven't read her other threads, I read what she posted here. We are not talking about anti-dad, I was referring to mom vs. step-mom, there is a lot of it here just from what I have seen.
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#26 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 05:59 PM
 
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I didn't say "IF what you say is true" theres a big difference in saying that and what I said. As I said, there are two sides to every story, especially in these situations.
Ummm... Cycle...

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Trust me, at 13 he knows. He is very confused, probably tortured emotionally if what you are saying is true.
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Originally Posted by cycle View Post
You are laying a lot on this kid and its not fair, he is probably doing what he can do to keep the peace and survive if things are as messed up as you say.
:

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[B]Nobody else here ever calls anyone on anything they post? Really, I must be in the wrong place then.
Yes, they do, but it doesn't make it right. It doesn't mean they should. People come on here for support, not to have their stories attacked.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#27 of 32 Old 11-08-2007, 06:21 PM
 
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I'm not going to keep arguing this....I did not attack her, I did not call her a liar. I got a vibe from her post blaming 13 year old dss that told me there is a lot of anger on her part. My comments were intended for her if that is the actual situation. Maybe her stepping back and seeing how she reacted about her dss and me saying "if the situation is as you say" or whatever, will make her stop and think that the blame she was placing here on her dss may be coming across IRL. Anybody ever think of that? I know nobody here could ever be WRONG or OVERREACTIVE, no way?

If I thought she was straight up lying I would say so, I didn't, I don't think that. I do think that she has misdirected anger/resentment against her dss though and I am hoping she rereads her first post here and considers that.

I'm out.
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#28 of 32 Old 11-09-2007, 02:29 PM
 
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#29 of 32 Old 11-09-2007, 03:21 PM
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Well, it is hard to be in my shoes. Cycle, I do think you went into attack mode. We are getting my SS into therapy and his mom is just like I said, and probably worse. I don't come on the site to lie, I come here for support. If my SS doesn't like me that is actually ok with me and I understand. He has been brainwashed and is being emotionally abused on a daily basis. I am asking you, Cycle, to please look up parental alienation syndrome. It is a real and painful thing for all involved. There are probably others on this site that are in the same boat. I am not angry at my SS. I am sad for him and hurt for his dad who is a great person. So, Cycle, you read into my post things that were not there, like anger, or laying inappropriate responsibility on the child. His behaviour is horrible but it is directly influenced by his mom. I wonder if you saw yourself in the things that I had to say about his mom. and if you are not a step mother, why are you posting here especially when you obviously do not know about PAS or the role of a step mom? It is not your place to criticise me. I don't lie and I don't exaggerate when I post. Perhaps you are looking at this too much from where you are coming from as far as your place as a wounded child and therefore are prejudicial to whatever I might have to say. Yes, there are two sides to every story but this is what I as a bystander have observed as has the pastor at our church ( who has counseled the child) and our neighbors and friends. I am not the only one having these observations. In saying all this, the purpose of this site is support, friendship and sharing with people who are in the same boat. You are not in my boat and your childhood situation is not what is going on with my family now. The observations of a child are not the observations of an adult. And just to let you know, My husband and I never say anything mean, rude or unkind about his BM. It would be not in the best interests of the SS and would be morally wrong.I do not think it is SS's responsibilty to " maintain equality between his parents" and I never said so. You read that into my post. I do think is the responsibilty of all involved to be respectful to one another and to not talk badly about one other in the presence of the child.I do agree he is a hurt confused child and needs help. But it is not helpful to denigrate me. I get enough of that from his mom.
People that haven't experienced the fallout of PAS don't understand, they really don't.

And I'll say this (and get flamed I'm sure) Angilyn, it would be perfectly normal if you did have anger at your SS (mixed in with your sadness and pity for him). It's pretty darn hard to be abused like someone with PAS will abuse you, and it's normal and natural to be frustrated and yes, occasionally angry even though you know it's not their "fault."

However, he IS 13. He's not a baby. By now he should know right from wrong. He's complicit in the behavior, and he is partially responsible for it, IMO.

I'd hug you if I could, Angilyn!
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#30 of 32 Old 11-09-2007, 08:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
Well, it is hard to be in my shoes. Cycle, I do think you went into attack mode.
No, trust me, I did not go into attack mode. Read your post, I was responding to that, and you are right, I only know what you posted and thats what I was commenting on. In the entire post you were blaming you dss. That is what I was commenting on.

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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
We are getting my SS into therapy and his mom is just like I said, and probably worse. I don't come on the site to lie, I come here for support. If my SS doesn't like me that is actually ok with me and I understand. He has been brainwashed and is being emotionally abused on a daily basis.
I didn't call you a liar.

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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
I am asking you, Cycle, to please look up parental alienation syndrome. It is a real and painful thing for all involved. There are probably others on this site that are in the same boat. I am not angry at my SS. I am sad for him and hurt for his dad who is a great person.
I know all about it. I already said I feel for anyone in a blended family situation, even the ones on good terms are difficult.

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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
So, Cycle, you read into my post things that were not there, like anger, or laying inappropriate responsibility on the child. His behaviour is horrible but it is directly influenced by his mom.
I read your post, reread it, if you were a stranger and just read your, what I saw as a rant, about a step-child you would think the same.

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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
I wonder if you saw yourself in the things that I had to say about his mom. and if you are not a step mother, why are you posting here especially when you obviously do not know about PAS or the role of a step mom? It is not your place to criticise me. I don't lie and I don't exaggerate when I post.
Who is being nasty? No, I am not a stepmother, never have been, but I do know about PAS and the "role" of a stepmother.
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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
Perhaps you are looking at this too much from where you are coming from as far as your place as a wounded child and therefore are prejudicial to whatever I might have to say. Yes, there are two sides to every story but this is what I as a bystander have observed as has the pastor at our church ( who has counseled the child) and our neighbors and friends. I am not the only one having these observations. In saying all this, the purpose of this site is support, friendship and sharing with people who are in the same boat.
Again, no, I'm not and never was a "wounded child". I am responding to ONE POST, how does that make me prejudicial to whatever you say? Think about it, that doesn't even make sense.

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Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
You are not in my boat and your childhood situation is not what is going on with my family now. The observations of a child are not the observations of an adult. And just to let you know, My husband and I never say anything mean, rude or unkind about his BM. It would be not in the best interests of the SS and would be morally wrong.I do not think it is SS's responsibilty to " maintain equality between his parents" and I never said so. You read that into my post. I do think is the responsibilty of all involved to be respectful to one another and to not talk badly about one other in the presence of the child.I do agree he is a hurt confused child and needs help. But it is not helpful to denigrate me. I get enough of that from his mom.
I never claimed to be in your boat. I never said you or your husband talked badly about dss's mother. Where did you get that from?

I never denigrated you, I was simply responding to your post, that IMO was harsh and you placing blame on a 13 year old who is obviously in a bad position.

I know nothing about you but the two posts from this thread, the one I responded to is below...Read it. THATS WHAT I WAS COMMENTING ON< NOTHING ELSE. If you don't get that then I can't help you, you are choosing not to.

FTR - I never said or implied you are a bad step-mom or his father is a bad father. Never said you talked badly about dss's mom, never denigrated you, wasn't mean, wasn't projecting. I was simply commenting on one post. If you don't want to hear opinions or comments other than your own then I would suggest you think before you post.

I hope things get better for all of you, I hope dss gets counseling, but just know that he will realize on his own what his mother is doing, it will be painful and probably mess with his head, but he'll get it eventually. My guess is he already does but she is putting him is a position where he can't now, for some reason, speak out. Hopefully counseling will help him work through it. You never know what else she is telling him, my guess is she is also making him believe that she will be devastated and not able to survive if he ever leaves her, or if he is nice to you or shows love to you and his dad. KWIM? All I was trying to say is that, even if he is 13, he is still a child and she has been messing with his head for a while it seems. Getting angry at him isn't going to help, he will sense that too. I know you probably have to take a lot of crap from him and from his mother, but you are really in a powerless position unfortunately (I don't mean that snarky at all). It is up to him working through it on his own or with the help of a counselor.

Quote:
Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
I don't agree. My SS has swallowed every bad thing his mom says about his dad completely. They both also love to badmouth me at every opportunity. He is 13 and has an unhealthy husbandly like relationship with his mom. He is the little man and to keep his little man position he must think, behave and be just like her. He has told me that his mom had even shared with him what she and his dad had done in the bedroom--she shares everything. To keep this powerful position of confidant he must close his eyes to anything good in his dad and me.Unhealthy, you bet.
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