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#1 of 24 Old 11-27-2007, 06:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My best friend I think is sometimes still either in love or something else with her ex husband. I think she may fantasies about being back with him occasionally. She has another husband for several years now and has a family with him as well as her 1st husband. My question is do you as a remarried woman ever have this about your ex or any feelings at all? If you do not feel comfortable answering here you can pm me. Even a yes or no would be appreciated. Any details would be wonderful as well. Is this a normal thing? Would you be back with your ex if you could?
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#2 of 24 Old 11-27-2007, 11:04 AM
 
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I can certainly say that I don't have any romantic feelings towards my ex. We were married almost 12 years. He was my first love and we have 3 children together. The marriage came to an end after years of drug abuse (his) and after years of me 'growing up'. You see, while he was out getting high, I was in a 12 step program learning how to take care of myself. While there, I grew up and I now know we never should have been together. I care about his well-being because he is the father of my children (even though he is and has been a totally absent father because of his addiction, incarcerations, etc.) but as a love interest, not at all. I've been remarried for almost 14 years and have never, ever reconsidered my decision to end my first marriage.
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#3 of 24 Old 11-27-2007, 12:44 PM
 
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I think I agree w/ happimomof4 - I care about his wellbeing because he is the father of my child. However, I fell out of love with him more than a year and a half before our divorce was final and can't even remotely imagine being with the person he is now. He is a totally and completely different person and the decisions he makes are just not the decisions he would have made 7-8 yrs ago (when we got married.) I can't abide by the new person he is. I just don't like the person he's become, even if he is - mostly - a good father. Of course, I can't say that I'm the same person either.

Plus my present dh is so much better for me in so many ways. Why would I give all that up to back to my ex, who was not supportive of me, and my decisions, my lifestyle - the MDC stuff, mostly - and in general, made me feel like crap, even if he didn't mean to?

Remember, this is the ex who read Maxim right before I delivered ds1. Do I want him back? Hell no! His wife can keep him!
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#4 of 24 Old 11-27-2007, 02:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by bechand0128 View Post
Remember, this is the ex who read Maxim right before I delivered ds1. Do I want him back? Hell no! His wife can keep him!
That's how I feel about my ex. Thank God he's someone else's problem now. Don't miss him a bit.
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#5 of 24 Old 11-27-2007, 05:19 PM
 
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It has only been a year for me, but I still do love my exdh even though I am now in a commited relationship with another man. My ex is a bit crazy, very moody, and cheated on me several times. But still, I married him for a reason, the love of my life (my son) is half him, and how could I not still have feelings for him? I think with time they will mellow out a bunch, but sometimes people just always love their first loves.
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#6 of 24 Old 11-28-2007, 06:26 AM
 
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Stacey, I envy you. My ex took great care to stamp out every shred of hope and goodness and dignity in my nature, and I wish I could have positive feelings for him.

To the OP: no. I'm divorced from him for a very good reason, and every single fibre of my being knows it was absolutely the right call for me to make.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#7 of 24 Old 11-28-2007, 11:57 AM
 
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I haven't had romantic feeling for my ex-husband in a really long time. I can't even remember being married to him.
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#8 of 24 Old 11-28-2007, 12:18 PM
 
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I haven't had romantic feeling for my ex-husband in a really long time. I can't even remember being married to him.
This is true for me as well. It's like I blocked it out. Leaving him was absolutely the right thing to do, and I can't imagine having feelings for him.

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#9 of 24 Old 11-28-2007, 10:43 PM
 
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No romantic feelings here, but sometimes I miss the idea of a "traditional family" -- whatever that is-- I miss our friendship for sure. Sometimes I dream that we're dancing, and I wake up kind of sad. I know that we are all wrong for each other, though. I used to always wonder if he was the right person for me (when we were married), and I never have to ask that about my dh.

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#10 of 24 Old 11-29-2007, 11:57 AM
 
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No.

I did for years dream that we held hands a lot. However they were not romantic dreams. They were more, "Hey, we can get along!" dreams. And I'd wake up and have my dream shattered in my face when he'd call and curse at me yet again.

No. No love there anymore. Just respect that he is the father of my child, and important to her life.

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#11 of 24 Old 11-29-2007, 07:55 PM
 
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Ex-H and I were just joking about this the other day. (Context: he's divorcing his second wife and we were discussing a few things regarding our kids' feelings about that.) To put it in pop-psychology words, we earned our way out. It was good and dead by the time we split, and neither of us ever had any second thoughts. I got lonely in those first couple of years, but never for him.

I knew I was really, really over it when I could start remembering the nice things about him, like how proud he was when our eldest was born. I'm actually kind of fond of him now, but that took almost a decade to achieve!

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#12 of 24 Old 12-08-2007, 04:06 PM
 
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I think it can be very normal to have those feelings. There is history there. Even though I would never ever ever take back my X, there were some good time..if not there wouldn't have been a 15 year marriage. I am remarried and I still dream about or think about my former boyfriend. Actually right now I'm wondering why I called that one off....LOL. Really, I think its normal to have some kind of feeling for a person you had a relationship with. The memories are still there and she is making new ones as we speak.
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#13 of 24 Old 12-08-2007, 04:39 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momsadvice View Post
My best friend I think is sometimes still either in love or something else with her ex husband. I think she may fantasies about being back with him occasionally. She has another husband for several years now and has a family with him as well as her 1st husband. My question is do you as a remarried woman ever have this about your ex or any feelings at all? If you do not feel comfortable answering here you can pm me. Even a yes or no would be appreciated. Any details would be wonderful as well. Is this a normal thing? Would you be back with your ex if you could?

I have never wanted to be back with my ex-husband.
Never had any feelings for him, but then I didn't have many feelings for him during the 9.5 years we were together, so why would they start when I'm not with him?

The only feelings I had lasted about a year, was hoping to see him for closure. it wasn't a constant desire for closure, just an occasional dream here and there, dreams involving us talking, getting along, laughing, putting it all behind us and going our separate ways.

Background:
He was a drug addict, but I didn't know.
he was a compulsive liar about EVERYTHING, even stuff I can't imagine the purpose in lying about.
He went to visit his family (out of state).
Two days later, he left a message on the phone answering machine saying he couldn't do it anymore because it was too stressful.
Then he came back to the state and withdrew all the money from our joint account, stopped at the house while I was at work, took the tv, vcr, and clothes, left his key and left state again, all with the help of his SIL and her car.
I was left with the pets to feed and care for, the house (mortgage was $935 a month and heating was $250 a month) and the car (which was already paid off, but had tons of needed, expensive repairs to be done), but no explanation other than, it was just too stressful.
No calls, except by an attorney his SIL finally hired, which ended her obnoxious late/middle of the night phone calls.
No letter.
No communication AT ALL.
He attended our divorce by phone.


ETA:
We never had children together.
A miscarriage, and fertility problems, but no actual children.
So, he is really nothing to me other than a bad past relationship.

ETAA:
My ex-husband was NOT my first love.
He was just my first husband.

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#14 of 24 Old 12-08-2007, 05:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by sdm1024 View Post
I haven't had romantic feeling for my ex-husband in a really long time. I can't even remember being married to him.
:

We have no children between us. I still don't think that I would have feelings for him, but we would be forced to deal with each other regularly, and that would be weird. But things may have gone way differently if we had kids.

Either way, at this point he is just a blip on my life story.

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#15 of 24 Old 12-09-2007, 07:47 PM
 
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I was never married to my ex or in love with him, but I will always love him, just as my dad and mom will always love each other....Because they are the parent of the most important things in their lives. Its not romantic, and never will be. But it is still love in one of its many varied forms.
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#16 of 24 Old 12-09-2007, 08:08 PM
 
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I have an ex. I love him in a family/friendly sense (we parted amicably with no children and still see each other occasionally with our respective partners), but not at all in a romantic sense. Once it was over, it was over. I was dating again within 6 weeks of our separation--not because I'm heartless, but because I spent the last years of my marriage getting over it. By the time we officially and publicly split, we were done. (And recently, we were together and I looked at him and it seemed like eons ago we were married, if at all--I cannot picture kissing him, let alone living with him, DTD, etc.)

That said, it is not unusual for people (men and women) to harbor feelings toward their exes--there's a lot of history there. Also, someone who was left abruptly may not have had time to properly grieve the relationship; it's easy for grief to muddle the issue.

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#17 of 24 Old 12-19-2007, 12:49 PM
 
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I have an ex husband. We have a really strange relationship at best. I still care about him deeply in a family sense. He has known me since I was 13 and we have a bond because of everything we have been through. He was there for me when my mother and my father died and we have 3 children together. There is alot of history there. I have absolutely no romantic feelings for him at all, I haven't in a long time. We were both too young and grew apart. That is the main reason we aren't together. I'm not the same person at 31 that I was when I married him at 18 and he isn't the same either.
Even though we are no longer together, we are still friends, sorta. Mainly, we talk on the phone alot. I call him and ask him stuff all the time. I only see him in passing when we are exchanging the kids. I still buy him Christmas presents like I would for any member of my family.
He is and always will be a member of my family. I don't hate him. He does alot of things that make me want to hate him, but I just can't. My current DH can't understand this, which I do understand, but wish he could.
I don't know, did I just make any sense with what I just said, lol?
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#18 of 24 Old 12-19-2007, 06:17 PM
 
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I'm glad this topic came up, even though my X isn't an X "husband" we did have a son together. long story short, we never had a relationship. By the time he started seeing DS we were both in other relationships. His has since ended, and mine is going stronger than ever. My DP has done an amazing job stepping up as a parent, we are engaged, buying a house, very very much in love with each other...but lately I have been having really strange dreams about X. I'm not "in love" with him, but I do have strong compassionate feelings towards him. He is a good person, I don't question his abillity to care for DS, and I can't help but wonder what might have been. He did give me my DS after all. Like I said, I am very much in love with my DP and have no intentions of changing anything, but these dreams have really been disturbing me lately! I just wish they would go away! :
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#19 of 24 Old 12-20-2007, 12:38 AM
 
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My XH has borderline personality disorder. Living with him became a complete and total nightmare. He put me through hell, and somehow it took him doing it in front of my then 4 month old son, for me to leave him for good. I do not miss him or care for him at all. I wish he would work and pay child support. My son is almost 4 years old and hasn't seen my X is almost 3 years. So, I have ZERO love, respect or any kind feelings for him. (Boy, that sounds awful)
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#20 of 24 Old 12-20-2007, 03:47 PM
 
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Stacey, I envy you. My ex took great care to stamp out every shred of hope and goodness and dignity in my nature, and I wish I could have positive feelings for him.

To the OP: no. I'm divorced from him for a very good reason, and every single fibre of my being knows it was absolutely the right call for me to make.
Word for word. STBX has Aspergers (or something) and for a long while I thought he was a sociopath so Aspergers seemed like a big relief. However he is totally unwilling to work on whatever his issues are so I left. And it was absolutely hands down the right decision.
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#21 of 24 Old 12-21-2007, 07:25 PM
 
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I sometimes have sexual thoughts about my ex, but romantic? No way. I've dreamed about him and I being together, but it's not something that I want in any way. The dreams are a result I think of things being rocky in my current relationship. If given the chance to get back with him, even if I wasn't with my now-husband, no way would I.
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#22 of 24 Old 12-21-2007, 08:04 PM
 
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My best friend I think is sometimes still either in love or something else with her ex husband. I think she may fantasies about being back with him occasionally. She has another husband for several years now and has a family with him as well as her 1st husband. My question is do you as a remarried woman ever have this about your ex or any feelings at all? If you do not feel comfortable answering here you can pm me. Even a yes or no would be appreciated. Any details would be wonderful as well. Is this a normal thing? Would you be back with your ex if you could?
:

Does that answer your question?

Now my ds's father is another story. I think he'll always have a special little place in my heart, though he doesn't deserve it. But I never married him, or even lived with him, so technically he isn't an ex. I don't think I'd be foolish enough to entertain the idea of a romance with him again, either, but he did help me create a very special person in my life, so he apparently gets some kind of slack that I have never given anyone else. Go figger.

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#23 of 24 Old 12-21-2007, 08:08 PM
 
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I have no feelings of any kind for my ex, except some distaste for the idea that I was ever physically intimate with him. Besides being ds1's dad, he's totally irrelevant to my life now. It was hard to break it off after being together for 15 years...but I basically had no feelings for him, aside from a sort of friendship and some mild affection, when we split up.

I have met some people who never seem to quite stop pining for their exes, though.

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#24 of 24 Old 12-21-2007, 08:08 PM
 
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:
Or, to be more concise... :

Lisa, lucky mama of Kelly (3/93) ribboncesarean.gif, Emma (5/03) ribboncesarean.gif, Evan (7/05) ribboncesarean.gif, & Jenna (6/09) ribboncesarean.gif
Loving my amazing dh, James & forever missing ribbonpb.gif Aaron Ambrose ribboncesarean.gif (11/07) ribbonpb.gif

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