Please help....I think my ds's are in trouble... - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
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#31 of 57 Old 12-28-2007, 11:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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cps came out this evening.
the lady took my information , gave me phone numbers and said that she would be in contact w/ my ex.
she said she would come back next week, my ds was not home.
all in all...i'm terrified. ds has to go to his birthday lunch with ex tomorrow...and i'm scared....very scared.....for him.....its his birthday for god sakes....and I just want it to be good...but I don't think it will.
I'm scared mamas...really really scared.

she promised she would not tell ex who called...but he'll assume it was me..which it wasnot...but it won't matter.
I told her everything I could think of.
My baby will be 13 tomorrow...and this is just so unfair for him.....damn mamas....why do some men have to be this way???
he told me earlier today, he never wants to be anything like his dad...
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#32 of 57 Old 12-29-2007, 01:41 AM
 
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When I was a day care provider, I could not stop the kids from leaving with the parent who I thought was on drugs/ or drunk, but as soon as they drive away I was supposed to call the police and report a drunk driver. We share visitation with an alcoholic. It is soooo hard to document. You just hope for a screw up that doesn't involve the kids.
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#33 of 57 Old 12-29-2007, 02:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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it disgusts me that is the best we can do for kids...hope that something bad doesn't happen to them.....before anyone will do anything.
just really sad.
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#34 of 57 Old 12-29-2007, 04:22 PM
 
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We also have a line in our custody agreement that says "Mother shall not consume alcohol or illegal drugs 8 hours prior to or during visitation." The problem we were having was that it's not illegal to be drunk in front of your children, but now she'd be breaking a court order if she drinks while dss is there.
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#35 of 57 Old 12-29-2007, 06:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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oh , we sooooooo need that!~
dang.....that is totally necessary.
How do i go about doing that~?
I am also going to resort to dropping off and picking them up.
that way at least I know if i do that....I know where they're going and where they'll be.....I need to figure out what I'm going to do now, that the ball is rolling...do I have to bring my a lawyer into this?? we only just got over a 3,000 in lawyers for the last round only 2 mos ago.
I am in no position to afford a lawyer at this point.
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#36 of 57 Old 12-29-2007, 06:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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but it IS illegal to drink , come pick up the kids and drive while under the influence....he shows up after drinking....can I stop him from taking the boys?
I'm tired of this 12 years i have been dealing with his stupid a$$ , i'm tired....we shouldn't have to live this way, no one should
its terrible no one can protect these kids better.....I suppose I go into debt over this , then so be it....my ds's lives are far more important to me than any amount of money.
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#37 of 57 Old 12-29-2007, 06:29 PM
 
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I don't know that you can stop him until he gets in the car and drives off. It's not illegal to be on your doorstep drunk. That was the problem I had as a child care provider, I could only call the police after the parent drove away, otherwise they could say they were planning on walking or something silly. I think you'd have to ask a lawyer or a police officer about that. Maybe it is ok to call the police and say your ex is drunk and came to pick up the kids. We used to hand over dss at the police station. Maybe he wouldn't show up drunk if he know it would be at the police station?

We got the line about no alcohol/drugs in mediation. She agreed to it because if she didn't, we were prepared to go to court where dss would tell the truth that his mom was drinking to the point of passing out (though her sober boyfriend was there) while he was in her care.

I totally feel for you. Dh's ex is like Brittany Spears these days-- she's a party girl who seems to never get in real legal trouble for all the stupid things she does. Charges get dismissed. We need an arrest record, CPS charges that stick, or for her to do something stupid at dss's school, otherwise it is our stories agaisnt hers.
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#38 of 57 Old 12-29-2007, 06:30 PM
 
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I suppose I go into debt over this , then so be it....my ds's lives are far more important to me than any amount of money.
That's true. We were able to borrow money from stepFIL for a good lawyer. Best debt we ever had.
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#39 of 57 Old 12-29-2007, 06:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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scary stuff for these kids.....no wonder so many turn out so danged messed up....my ds is in therapy and is only 2 mos in...but it turns out it really is making him think and what he's come up with is dad is so very wrong in somany ways.....I just wish his dad was someone he could look up to.
c
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#40 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 12:02 AM
 
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but it IS illegal to drink , come pick up the kids and drive while under the influence....he shows up after drinking....can I stop him from taking the boys?
I'm tired of this 12 years i have been dealing with his stupid a$$ , i'm tired....we shouldn't have to live this way, no one should
its terrible no one can protect these kids better.....I suppose I go into debt over this , then so be it....my ds's lives are far more important to me than any amount of money.
If your son's father shows up at your house drunk, I would call the not let them go with him. I would call the police. I would tell him you believe he is intoxicated and that if he wants to take your kids in the car he will have to prove to the police he is not intoxicated. He can then file contempt charges against you saying you are interferring with his visitation but you will have a police report stating that he is intoxicated and wanting to drive with the children in the car. Then the action filing for contempt is on him. If he does not file then you do not have to go back to court. I would ALWAYS have a witness with you at your home when he comes to pick the kids up.

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Mom-type to DSS 10/12/03, Mom to DS 10/05/06 and DD 11/03/08.
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#41 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sounds like a very good idea.
i'm hopping this thread on over to tao....thanks for listening mamas.
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#42 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 05:49 PM
 
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so...my father is technically bound to report this....he thinks I should warn ex....and tell him both ds's therapist and my father are supposed to report.
My dad says ex can get into alot of trouble for what he's doing....its emotionally and physically abuvsive to make the boys afraid of him by random acts of violence towards them....even if ex thinks their playing the boys do not.
so.....I must speak with him....and I have a call into my sons worker....and well....my father says calling the police is jumping the gun...but if it happens again...i should.
oh...and if i don't...I can be an unwilling accessory.
my son will have his own cell phone by this weekend to use for any emergencies.
;;;;;;

I think you are getting really bad advice from lawyer and dad and concur with PPs that you are being extremely unfair to your son by placing his well being in his hands. He is too young. This is trauma on top of trauma. Where is your mama bear instinct. Pediatrician, Emergency custody hearing, CPS, Police in that order. Don't let that boy spend his birthday with his tormentor!
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#43 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 05:52 PM
 
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i AM documenting things.
I did take a picture.
The therapist called and reported.
now , I have to find a way to get them from having to go there tomorrow.....I am thinking if i just say they don't want to come.....that they're afraid....
my ds begsme never to say anything to his dad , fearing that he'll do what he always does...yells at him for telling me stuff.
I just want to take my ds's in my arms and never have to allow them to live through this kind of torture....and it is torture.
Go to an abuse shelter. Tell them ds has been abused and that you are afraid he will do so to you tomorrow if you keep ds from scheduled visit. Let them know CPS has been called by therapist. Then you will have tons of documentation and knowledgeable advocates on your side. Ex isn't afraid cause he figures he will con them all like he did the divorce judge. But, he screwed up because he left marks on kids old enough to tell precisely what happened. As bad as it is, you might be able to parlay this into sole custody with no or only supervised visitation.
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#44 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 05:58 PM
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I'm sorry your family is going through all of this.

I had to call 911 on my drunk stepfather when I was 13 and it has stuck in my mind both in a good way and in a bad way. My dad wasn't there to protect us (he shortly got custody) but I did feel empowered so there was something I could do even if my dad wasn't there, KWIM? Obviously you don't want it to get to that point but if you could get your DS a cell phone - even ones without minutes dial 911 - he would have an option if he is riding with his dad when he is drunk or his dad is abusing him.

Can you call the non-emergency line of the police department and ask someone what to do if your ex shows up drunk to pick up your kids again? If you have a plan, I bet you will feel a little better. I hope CPS helps you.
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#45 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 06:05 PM
 
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Personally, I don't care what what agreement or court order says. Your son has definitely been abused, physically, mentally, emotionally, in every sense of the word. He would NOT be going with his father. Period. End of story. His father would have to call the cops or go to court to make me continue with the visitation. On top of that, if you call the POLICE and have your son tel the cop what his father did THEY will take pictures and he can most certainly go to jail for the night. Therefore it will be in a police report as well. It is up to you to protect your son. I am not saying any of this to flame you but it seems like you are still afraid of your EX and letting him call the shots. It's time to step up and put a stop to it and be strong for your son. **hugs**
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#46 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 06:41 PM
 
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My child would never step foot out my front door with someone who I knew abused them, even their father. Period. They also would not step foot out my front door if I suspected the person picking them up was under the influence of drugs or alcohol, even their father. Period. Any court order that instructs me to disregard the safety and well being of my kid can kiss my butt.

And if my kid came home and had been visibly abused, we would go to the doctor and have it documented. Obviously your child is old enough to describe to the doctor what happened? I would have a talk before going about what you are doing, and explain that it's ok to tell the doctor what happened.

Then I would do the same with the psychiatrist. Then I would take pictures. Then I would call the police and make a report.

But my child would not leave the house with someone they are afraid of who has left BRUISES. He would have to take me to court to see his kid again.

Frankenstein never scared me. Marsupials do. Because they're FAST.
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#47 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 07:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
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you're so right.....I can't say why I am afraid to go back to court....they've been hurt so much.....and sticking my head in the sand is not helping them.....
I know I have not stood up for them in every instance...and I feel awful about it....I have to start the new year new...and let them know that they can count on me, period.
help me mamas....because believe it or not...this man still scares me.....alot.
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#48 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 10:48 PM
 
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Go to an abuse shelter, they will have resources for you. Call domestic violence hotlines, google child abuse advocates in your area. Maybe the police will even have numbers you can use. Get a temporary restraining order, emergency order preventing visitation.

I'm sure other mamas will have better suggestions as well.

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:~*Barbara*~ 25, DGF to an awesome man (25) and always a step-mom to A (8)
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#49 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 11:11 PM
 
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What did CPS say about your son going to the lunch? What does your therapist say?
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#50 of 57 Old 12-31-2007, 11:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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he went...with his cell phone he got for his birthday....i told him to be on his guard....he wanted to go ,only because he really loves his dad...and I want him to....but his dad needs help....he is a very aggressive mean person alot of the time....hedoesn't take others feeling into consideration and he does alot of horsing with them that ultimately results in his NOT listening to them when they say stop.
he doesn't allowthem to have feelings,angry or sad...and he has no respect for them as people because they're HIS kids...you know??
the whole I brought you into this world , i'll take you out.
he doesn't beat them...but he has had the few physical moments with them both...and he is mostly an emotional abuser(from my years of being married to him)
he drinks, he puts them in jeopardy drinking and driving....he is a convincing liar....and he always makes them out to be liars(though i know bettter, I used to be the liar in our marriage.....always)
he hurt me when we were married.....he brow beat me emotionally till i was a mere whisp of what I had ever been...a confident loving girl....i was broken and lost.
no one listened to me...no one came to my aid....everyone acted as if nothing was happening.....
I can't let our boys live like this.....its wrong....and he knows it...or he should...ormaybe someone should show him what it feels like.
i'm tired.....i'm tired of him doing these things and no one stopping him.
i'm just sodamned tired.
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#51 of 57 Old 01-02-2008, 01:42 AM
 
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I am so sorry mama s

You have the strength to do what needs to be done and you WILL do what is right for them! You already are doing what is right for them by believing them! I can't imagine how hard it must have been to live with a partner like that for so long, but you got out and are doing well on your own, that shows how strong you are and sets an example to your boys that they can be strong too.

Just follow through and see it to the end. You know and your ex knows that this isn't really right. Keep advocating, documenting, and listening and hopefully this will get sorted out soon.

s


 

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#52 of 57 Old 01-02-2008, 01:53 AM
 
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no one listened to me...no one came to my aid....everyone acted as if nothing was happening.....
do you think maybe this is how your son feels right now?

You can do it. stand up to him and protect these kids. Drunk driving is NOT a joke, neither is hitting so hard it leaves a bruise. If you keep letting him go with his dad the court will have a harder time believing anything you have to say.

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#53 of 57 Old 01-02-2008, 06:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i told ds about cps coming....his immediate reaction was "NOOOOO!" but after i explained that I need him to be safe.
I asked him if he thinks things should continue as is...he said no.
I asked him if he thinks it will get worse....he said yes.
I asked him if he thinks his dad is wrong...he said yes.
I asked him if he was afraid of ex h ...he said...yes.
I looked him in the eye and told him....."then I am here to make sure that you and your brother are safe and no one ever hurts you, again. period....end of story...."
he looked upset....more scared and ready to cry then anything......
he looked like i did when it was me.
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#54 of 57 Old 01-02-2008, 08:34 PM
 
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No advice just

DS (03/10) &  DD (06/07) both were/are : waterbirth.jpg homebirth.jpg winner.jpg

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#55 of 57 Old 01-03-2008, 07:54 PM
 
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your poor ds'!! i hope you can get all the help you need!
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#56 of 57 Old 01-04-2008, 01:50 AM
 
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you're so right.....I can't say why I am afraid to go back to court....they've been hurt so much.....and sticking my head in the sand is not helping them.....
I know I have not stood up for them in every instance...and I feel awful about it....I have to start the new year new...and let them know that they can count on me, period.
help me mamas....because believe it or not...this man still scares me.....alot.
I know why I'm afraid to go back to court.. . .because you never know what is going to happen. It is never clear. You might think you have an easy case and the next thing you know something is being dragged out that makes you look like the one with problems. It is scary to open those cans of worms even if you've done nothing wrong. I don't know if denying visitation is wise-- we have had the police show up with the mom and walk ds out the door and tell us to tell it to a judge. I would absolutely ask the police what to do if ex shows up drunk. I'd absolutely ask a lawyer what to do in the situation, too. It sounds like a good idea to have a witness there, too.
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#57 of 57 Old 01-04-2008, 10:35 AM - Thread Starter
 
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i absolutely would NOT deny him visitation....but if he wants to take them kicking and screaming....honestly , I don't think he would....he's more the type to say....F you....fine...don't come , i don't care.
he's done it before...just not lately.
he loves our boys...i know it.....he just doesn't know how to behave.....he grew up with an alcoholic abusive father that when he's sober he loves , and when he's drunk or sad...he hates.
so.....that said....I will calmly talk to him and tell him we can do this easy or we can do this hard.....his choice....i'm ready for either way.
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