Please help....I think my ds's are in trouble... - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-25-2007, 05:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so...long story short , because it is christmas day....and this is the lovely bomb I got dropped on me last night.....My oldest ds w/ ex who is 12 , tells me dad punched me on friday...and left this bruise. Then he shows me a half dollar or larger sized bruise on his upper arm.
Not the first time either. Ex has "accidentally" hurt them before , playing around he says......The last time my 9yo ds called me crying. I have yet to mention this mess to ex.....and the boys do not want to go back.
ds 12 says he hates his dad and 9 yo says he is scared of him.
I divorced ex because he was abusive but the court never actually acknowledged it.
so....tell me wise mamas....what now?????
edited to add....week before last he left my house w/ both ds's and went downtown to a bar....drank...and then drove them all home , late , in the dark....drunk.
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Old 12-25-2007, 05:48 PM
 
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You need proof. Both of your boys are old enough to call 911 if they're being abused. Or if Dad us drunk and wanting to drive. Legally, you cannot refuse him time with the kids w/o proof that he is a danger.
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Old 12-25-2007, 06:02 PM
 
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When do they have to go back? Can you get an injunction of some kind? Have you photographed the bruise yet? You'll need evidence. I wouldn't let them near him just because of the drunk driving, let alone the abuse.

Hugs to you and yours!

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Old 12-25-2007, 06:16 PM
 
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Is the bruise still there, or has it healed already? You need to photograph it and call the police, CPS, or your lawyer.

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Old 12-25-2007, 06:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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the bruise is photgraphed.....I will be calling cps after I speak w/ him.....he needs to hear it from me, i think, as well as I need to stand up to him....
I ws told before that unless I had proof of abuse or was afraid for their well being....they had to go.
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Old 12-25-2007, 06:53 PM
 
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You seem to have proof of abuse and feel afraid for their wellbeing. I'm not sure what the next step is for you but I do hope they don't have to go back into an unsafe situation.

How do you know he drove under the influence with them? That is abuse as well, so document what you know or think happened.

Glad your boys brought this to your attention. Sorry it's stressful for you (as if would be for anyone) but at least you know before something really tragic happens.

Wishing you strength.
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Old 12-25-2007, 07:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my 12yo ds knows his dad has "issues" with alcohol.....and well...he told me.
He also told me dad said "don't tell your mom"
edited to add...the above was in relation the the incident with him drinking and driving.
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Old 12-25-2007, 09:20 PM
 
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i am in cincinnati where in ohio are you I may be able to help with resources so feel free t pm me.

Baby Mama, Law Student, Milk Maker:
Mom-type to DSS 10/12/03, Mom to DS 10/05/06 and DD 11/03/08.
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Old 12-25-2007, 10:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so my ds talked to ex on the phone today and told him i saw the bruise and i'm upset....
ex's response??
"i'm not worried....."
WTF?
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Old 12-26-2007, 11:04 AM
 
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*hugs* I will be thinking of you and your boys.

I hope the system can do something quickly about this. It was very good you got the bruise photographed.

Unfortunately, with this stuff documention of EVERY tiny thing is crucial. The courts are a pain and you have to build a pretty solid case.

You could possible get a Prtotection from Abuse order against your ex in the mean time for you and your boys. Have you talked to the cops yet?

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Old 12-26-2007, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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no.....at the advice of my lawyer previously, I am supposed to talk to my ex.
Then we are to get mediation.
I just do NOT know what to do.....I am back in that stupid tailspin again....and its only been two months since we got OUT of court.
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Old 12-26-2007, 11:48 AM
 
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Seriously - you need to get it documented by someone in a position of authority. Take him to the police or to his doctor. Like today.
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Old 12-26-2007, 12:00 PM
 
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If he hurts your boys and he drinks and drives while he has them. Why does he even want them for the weekend!? : That doesnt even make sense!

I would do everything you can to not let them go back with him again.

I am so sorry momma. Thats difficult to deal with. I wish I knew more of the law but I dont. I do think you should document everything just like the PP said.

Good luck!

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Old 12-26-2007, 12:11 PM
 
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If he is endangering your boys life and absuing them... I'm sorry but I think your lawyer is mis-informed or does not realize the full situation or something.

It is imperative to get the abuse documented by someone in authority, like it was already suggested. If you go to court to try to make a case of your ex being an unfit parent and incapable of supervising the kids alone... you HAVE to have "real" documentation. If you don't it's just "hearsay" and it won't be admitted.

And honestly... if he has been doing this a lot recently... I'm sure you are scared for the kids to go back there... to get something done immediately without violating mandated visitation... you need to get the authorities involved for the saftey of the children.

*hugs*

Be strong!

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Old 12-26-2007, 08:40 PM
 
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You need a new lawyer. Ring your local refuge and ask for a recommendation for someone who's good with DV.

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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Old 12-26-2007, 08:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so...my father is technically bound to report this....he thinks I should warn ex....and tell him both ds's therapist and my father are supposed to report.
My dad says ex can get into alot of trouble for what he's doing....its emotionally and physically abuvsive to make the boys afraid of him by random acts of violence towards them....even if ex thinks their playing the boys do not.
so.....I must speak with him....and I have a call into my sons worker....and well....my father says calling the police is jumping the gun...but if it happens again...i should.
oh...and if i don't...I can be an unwilling accessory.
my son will have his own cell phone by this weekend to use for any emergencies.
;;;;;;
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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so.....this is where it stands......my 12 yo ds , I sat him down and explained the options we have at the moment and that one of them is telling his therapist whats going on.
he shot me an angry look and said " id on't care anymore....i'm tired of being afraid of dad...YOU call ....I don't care if he goes to jail....I just don't care anymore!"
tomorrow is my sweet boys birthday...and he is supposed to be going to lunch with his dad.....i'm so very sad.
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:42 PM
 
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I really think you should call someone about this. This is not jumping the gun at this point, this is your children's welfare.

:~*Barbara*~ 25, DGF to an awesome man (25) and always a step-mom to A (8)
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I spoke with his therapist....she said this should not be allowed to continue....she said with my permission , she would make a call and report what she knows.
I'm trying to get my ds to call her....but he;s in a real funk rightnow....
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Old 12-28-2007, 05:51 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mothertoall View Post
so.....this is where it stands......my 12 yo ds , I sat him down and explained the options we have at the moment and that one of them is telling his therapist whats going on.
he shot me an angry look and said " id on't care anymore....i'm tired of being afraid of dad...YOU call ....I don't care if he goes to jail....I just don't care anymore!"
tomorrow is my sweet boys birthday...and he is supposed to be going to lunch with his dad.....i'm so very sad.
I think you are doing your son a disservice by making it his choice and responsibility to do something about his father assaulting him. He needs you, as his mother, to protect him now. He needs to be told that it is not his fault and not his responsibility if his dad gets in trouble, as his dad is an adult who knows better.

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Old 12-28-2007, 05:53 PM
 
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I think you are doing your son a disservice by making it his choice and responsibility to do something about his father assaulting him. He needs you, as his mother, to protect him now. He needs to be told that it is not his fault and not his responsibility if his dad gets in trouble, as his dad is an adult who knows better.
ITA with this. YOU need to make the call, not your DS. That is pretty much putting him in the middle and its not fair to him. It is your responsibility to call and quiet frankly I don't know why his therapist is asking permission. She is a mandatory reporter, she isn't supposed to wait. Same goes for your father.

The situation is very serious and needs to be dealt with accordingly.

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Old 12-28-2007, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I amnot asking my ds to call.....i am telling him that I want him to understand what the possiblities are.....I have already talked to his therapist...the reporting is in the works.
I have told him its not his fault....I have told him his dad needs help....I promised him we will work this out and to try not to be afraid , I'm right here no matter what....why would you think I am putting him in the middle of this?
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Old 12-28-2007, 06:09 PM
 
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I think they thought that becuase you said "I'm trying to get my ds to call her....but he;s in a real funk rightnow...."

Poor kid. Its hard to do this to a parent.
Help him.

Mom to '97, '07, '09 and birth mom '00 and wife to my BFF
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Old 12-28-2007, 06:13 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i'm not asking him to call on his father.....i'm asking him to call his therapist!
I would never ask my son to report his father!
goodness......
never mind....I thought I could ask for advice....I didn't realize I would be putting myself on the chopblock.....I would never ever ask my son to report his father.
I called his therapist and asked her what she suggested...she said she would report....I just wanted my son to know talking directly with her and having her hear it from him directly would be good.
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Old 12-28-2007, 06:21 PM
 
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i'm not asking him to call on his father.....i'm asking him to call his therapist!
I would never ask my son to report his father!
goodness......
never mind....I thought I could ask for advice....I didn't realize I would be putting myself on the chopblock.....I would never ever ask my son to report his father.
I called his therapist and asked her what she suggested...she said she would report....I just wanted my son to know talking directly with her and having her hear it from him directly would be good.
I am sorry! I didnt think you were being flamed. I took it as people giving advice.
I hope your son gets the help he needs. And it sounds like he is.
I hope your EX stops with the visitation and he gets the help he needs, as it sounds like he needs a lot.

to your and your sons.

Mom to '97, '07, '09 and birth mom '00 and wife to my BFF
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Old 12-28-2007, 06:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thing is ....this is the type of behavior i endured for 7 years....and the courts never documented it in the divorce because there was no proof....no doctor statements...no therapist....nothing.
so here i stand....knowing eventually this day would come.....praying to god that maybe it wouldn't.....but here i am.
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Old 12-28-2007, 06:40 PM
 
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thing is ....this is the type of behavior i endured for 7 years....and the courts never documented it in the divorce because there was no proof....no doctor statements...no therapist....nothing.
so here i stand....knowing eventually this day would come.....praying to god that maybe it wouldn't.....but here i am.
I would start documenting things. Take pictures. It sounds like your already talking to the therapist. It sounds like to me you already have enough information to make the visits stop. IMO. But I am not a professional.
Good luck momma.

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Old 12-28-2007, 06:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i AM documenting things.
I did take a picture.
The therapist called and reported.
now , I have to find a way to get them from having to go there tomorrow.....I am thinking if i just say they don't want to come.....that they're afraid....
my ds begsme never to say anything to his dad , fearing that he'll do what he always does...yells at him for telling me stuff.
I just want to take my ds's in my arms and never have to allow them to live through this kind of torture....and it is torture.
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Old 12-28-2007, 07:08 PM
 
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I amnot asking my ds to call.....i am telling him that I want him to understand what the possiblities are.....I have already talked to his therapist...the reporting is in the works.
I have told him its not his fault....I have told him his dad needs help....I promised him we will work this out and to try not to be afraid , I'm right here no matter what....why would you think I am putting him in the middle of this?
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I think they thought that becuase you said "I'm trying to get my ds to call her....but he;s in a real funk rightnow...."

Poor kid. Its hard to do this to a parent.
Help him.
The way you worded things made it sound like you were getting your DS to call his therapist to have him get her to report it. I am sorry for misunderstanding your post.

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Old 12-28-2007, 07:30 PM
 
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Reading your posts, I think that maybe you should call cps. Tell them about the drinking and driving, the abuse that you endured and the abuse that your sons are getting from ex. Ask what they can do. Also involve the therapists and the police. I'm wondering if your son can bring assualt charges against his father, but somehow I doubt it. I think that cps would be your best bet..that and your therapist.

I feel bad for your situation
Lisa

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