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#31 of 37 Old 01-16-2008, 01:01 AM
 
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This is a very good thread. And OP, I completely understand and have felt what you feel. I was in tears reading your post.

Even though I've been divorced for 7 years (and have remarried).. those feelings I can clearly remember. And they don't always go away totally. It wasn't personal. It was never personal for me. I wanted to get to know my ex's new wife. I wished she would have communicated with me. But she shut me out and never gave me a chance. I lost not only my marriage, but my daughter.. because she pushed for custody and they won.

I can't think of anything in my life that hurt more than that day. And no matter how much good happens after that (such as her return to my home) I can still remember the pain.

Divorce and blending families are hard. For so many years all I wanted was to be understood. To be given a chance. To be treated as another human being that loved my daughter. To not be shut out of my own childs life.

I could never figure out what I did to make my daughters stepmother hate me so much. I guess maybe it wasn't personal for her either? Maybe she was mourning the life that she didn't have because of the blended situation? I'm not sure I'll ever know.

This thread however puts me a little bit closer to understanding her, even if she is no longer in that role.

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#32 of 37 Old 01-16-2008, 01:39 AM
 
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I could never figure out what I did to make my daughters stepmother hate me so much. I guess maybe it wasn't personal for her either? Maybe she was mourning the life that she didn't have because of the blended situation? I'm not sure I'll ever know.
You never know what your ex told her about you. If you have had limited contact with her, she could have a totally skewed vision of who you are.

For me, that is probably one of the good things that has come out of my extensive contact with my dsd's mother (well, extensive as compared to other stepmoms). I have had the opportunity to form my own opinions of her - good and bad.

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#33 of 37 Old 01-16-2008, 01:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
You never know what your ex told her about you. If you have had limited contact with her, she could have a totally skewed vision of who you are.

For me, that is probably one of the good things that has come out of my extensive contact with my dsd's mother (well, extensive as compared to other stepmoms). I have had the opportunity to form my own opinions of her - good and bad.
Thats very true as well. He admitted to lying to quite a few people about things, so I guess he probably wasn't honest with her either. She went out of her way to avoid me most of the time. Its funny, we have a security door with no buzzer. So our routine was/is that when she got dropped off at the house my ex would call on his cell to let me know my daughter was here. Well, on the days that her step mother dropped her off.. even though she had a cell, and my number.. instead of calling me to say "She's here." She would call my ex and have him call me. LOL At first I thought she forgot my number or something, until I gave it to my daughter again to give her.. and finally my daughter said, "Mom, she has your number.. she just.. well.. she just doesn't like you and doesn't like to talk to you." And my ex confirmed that there was a lot of talking negatively about me to my daughter.

I just really wish the 5 years she was in my daughter life could have been better for all of us, thats all. Once the pain started to dull, I was more than happy to give her a chance. I just wanted mine too.

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#34 of 37 Old 01-16-2008, 10:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You are going to be ok and you are going to have good days and bad just like all of us. And who knows, you just may be a step mom some day.
Thanks angilyn. I am okay and I have many more good days than bad. It is an exciting time in my life. I don't mean to sound like woe is me or that I am in constant pain--just trying to show some of the process moms may go through when their kids get a step mom. It's a process.

But, uh, I would have to get married to be a step mom and I really like the freedom of being single. As well as the day to day nitty gritty, there are many gifts that come from it. I think it probably suits me more than being married in many ways. Also, I no longer feel naive about it from this forum. I would be thinking long and hard about it--love probably isn't always enough. Not saying never because that has a way of biting you...
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#35 of 37 Old 01-16-2008, 10:29 AM
 
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Nature, I wish you had a better expereince too. *nods* That is sad all the way around.

And pinksprklybarefoot has a good point of you have no idea what stories your ex told her. Some people like to form their own opinions, others will take what their loved one has said and run with it blindly.


Though I think you have stumbled upon a point that is very valid for some.

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Maybe she was mourning the life that she didn't have because of the blended situation? I'm not sure I'll ever know.

I know for certain that is my own issues and insecurities at times. All my life I dreamed of the perfect little family... you know 2.5 kids, a dog, the white picket fence. Of course I never dreamed to be a Step-Mother.

It's still a process for me of acceptance of the things I cannot change. I'm terrified I won't have children of my own and be stuck in this weird limbo forever. It's also disheartening knowing I won't be the one to bless my DP with his first child, and for some silly reason I feel that makes me somehow less... I could not even explain that, and no DP has never made me feel that way. In fact he is ecstatic about trying for a child with me... but to me... he has already been there and done that, will my first child be as special to him even though it's not his first?

So yes, I beleive you hit a point for me. In ways sometimes it is a mourning of never knowing the "normal" family life.

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#36 of 37 Old 01-16-2008, 10:36 AM - Thread Starter
 
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/
I did see this violet and really appreciated it but didn't have time to respond. Thank you. I do resent the dichotomy sometimes but work on letting it go. As I said above, I really like being a single mom now. It is hard from a logistical standpoint for me but it is also rewarding. And there is such a sense of freedom--one that I hadn't had in marriage in a long time. My spirit feels so much better.
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#37 of 37 Old 01-16-2008, 10:49 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
And pinksprklybarefoot has a good point of you have no idea what stories your ex told her. Some people like to form their own opinions, others will take what their loved one has said and run with it blindly.



It's still a process for me of acceptance of the things I cannot change.
That really caught my eye as well. We really don't know.

I have found reading about co-dependency really useful in learning to let go of the things I can't change. I think these situations bring out these tendencies in us. If we focus on caring for ourselves everything works so much better. Just looking through the contents of Codependent No More is like a textbook for this: detachment, don't be blown about by every wind, remove the victim, learn acceptance, have a love affair with yourself, etc.

I highly recommend the book. It could be useful if you struggle with letting go or if you have a challenging mom or step mom in your life.

And pinksparklybarefoot--I read your description about being a step mom. I think you posted something similar in another thread and it really struck me at the time. You walk a really tight rope.

And well, Nature. Thanks for posting.

And JSMa--yes. Your child will be just as special. In my experience, your children are equally special. Birth order doesn't really have that much impact. You just fall in love--sometimes instantly. Sometimes over a bit of time. But yes, your child will be incredibly special. I hope that happens for you.

And that fear. Use it. There is power in facing your fear. Write about it. Get it out and find the root.

Okay, I am Late. Very very late. Bye.
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