Can the mom and the stepmom be "friends"? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 28 Old 02-24-2008, 03:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
Flor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: California
Posts: 5,279
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
This seems to be coming up a lot. I'd love to her from those who've made it work. For me, I'm not sure we could really be friends. We've had stages where we actually hang out and get our younger kids together for playdates, but even then I was always very careful of what I say because it might come back out of context. Its so different then hanging out with other moms, where we might chat about husbands, little fights, our pasts, but I feel like I have to be careful of what I say. We can be "friendly" but I do wish we could be more and co-parent.
Flor is offline  
#2 of 28 Old 02-24-2008, 07:00 PM
 
SkiMama36's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: ESFP in 'Lil Rhody
Posts: 599
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think the theory itself is great! Being friends and able to co-parent peacefully.

However, (and this is just my experience) it's such a slippery slope to walk on due to the fact that as a step-parent, one false move (ie: perhaps suggesting an alternative way to look at a situation) and the "mama-bear" instinct comes out and the "good" gets lost in the drama that generally ensues.

Just my experience, and I'm sure there are *lots* of other viewpoints, as we (meaning bio-mom, dh and I) all started out wanting to "co-parent" with each other and now all parties can barely be civil to each other.
SkiMama36 is offline  
#3 of 28 Old 02-24-2008, 07:05 PM
 
Lisa_Lynn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 137
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes, when I was married to now my x husband I was friends with his sons mom and we even went and stayed there with them for a week a few times. My x husband new girlfriend is always there for me when I need her when they are sick or when I just need sometime for myself. She also like to take them and do stuff when my children's dad is away from the home working. I wouldn't want it any other way. I think we all have the perfect world when we can all get alone. I am lucky and thankful.
Lisa_Lynn is offline  
#4 of 28 Old 02-24-2008, 07:58 PM
 
honolula's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 748
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I love my ex's live-in girlfriend, because I love my ex, and she makes him happy. She's good to him, which translates to being good to his (my) kid, and propping him up so that he can be a better dad. Old fashioned guy that he is, he's a mess when he's alone. I don't want him to be a mess. I can't even imagine starting a life with someone who already has a child, so I try not to scare her -I have the feeling she's scared of me, anyway, and doubts my intentions. Hopefully with time she'll understand that I'm genuinely fond of her.

It's odd. It's never simple. My younger dd's dad is a real piece of work, and his wife is a good match. We don't speak. If hell opened wide and swallowed them both up, I'd light a cigarette and take a long, relaxing drag.

I won't say that bio moms can't be a PITA, but in my little illustration I'm the common denominator. One of the new Lady Loves seems respectful of the delicate situation she's signed on to, and the other is coniving and sickeningly self interested.
honolula is offline  
#5 of 28 Old 02-24-2008, 11:43 PM
 
ProtoLawyer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,004
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Strangely--I am good friends with my ex-husband's wife, and we did not have children together. But I have a 5-year-old SD, and he now has a 7-year-old SD, and they play often. It was a tiny bit weird at first, but we got over it.

As for my SD's mom, we're friendly, but not friends. We don't really have much in common other than SD, and I think we've both imagined the worst (even though there's little basis in fact for the imagined horror).

ProtoLawyer (the now-actual lawyer, this isn't legal advice,  please don't take legal advice from some anonymous yahoo on the Internet)
Spouse (the political geek) * Stepdaughter (the artist) * and introducing...the Baby (um, he's a baby? He likes shiny things).
ProtoLawyer is offline  
#6 of 28 Old 02-25-2008, 12:41 AM
 
azfiresmbm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 255
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I think you can be good surface friends .. Talking about the weather or how was your day or hey little Timmy got an A on his math test .

But having a friendship on a deeper level is much harder because what you say can comeback to bite you in the A** !!

So I guess it depends on what type of friendship you are wanting to have ..
azfiresmbm is offline  
#7 of 28 Old 02-25-2008, 10:03 AM
 
Oriole's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: by the ocean, lakes and mountains
Posts: 4,388
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
A while ago I thought that yes, we'll become friends. Now - um no.
I guess it all depends on situation.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
Oriole is offline  
#8 of 28 Old 02-25-2008, 11:27 AM
 
violet_'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,199
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I used to think we'd become friends, but now I'm very content with just being civil and courteous. Truly, that's all any of us should expect. Who can argue with civil and courteous?

Our case is odd, as we knew each other before all this. We were fairly friendly then, sort of friends, but never clicked as close friends, so I guess anything more than that will never happen now.

This gave us the huge advantage in our current interaction because we knew each other before, knew that the other is reliable and safe (in her case, I think it would help that she knows I'm a safe person to leave the kids with), and polite. We know each other's quirks a little bit.

Of course, it also gave us the huge disadvantage that she thought I shouldn't date her ex, since we were "friends." I figured my loyalty to this almost-friend did not extend all the way to refusing to date and marry my soulmate, but anyway I think we're both well past that concern by now.

And I'm pretty confident, having read a lot on this blog, that even had we met only after DH and I were married, that we would probably be right where we are now: polite but not friends. And I'm fine with that.

violet_ is offline  
#9 of 28 Old 02-25-2008, 04:01 PM
 
LovingMommy85's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 25
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've tried to reach out, a dozen or so more times, to my stepkid's bio mom, but she acts like I have leprosy. She still isn't "over" the fact that I am with my DF, and that I'm not going anywhere. She always has something bad to tell the fiance about me (always untrue). She refuses to even look at me or talk to me. It's sad because it makes things strained for the kids. But, I always try to keep reaching out and hope one day she will mature...
LovingMommy85 is offline  
#10 of 28 Old 02-25-2008, 04:41 PM
 
UptownZoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: In the monkey cage...
Posts: 2,349
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Yes, it's possible, but probably not at all common. I don't get along at all with DS's mom and after 8 years know that there will never be anything better than basic civility. OTOH, my ex's wife (stbx, sadly) and I always got along fabulously. There were limits to the friendship (she certainly wasn't going to bitch about her husband to me!), but we were friends nevertheless, and still are.

computergeek2.gif

UptownZoo is offline  
#11 of 28 Old 02-25-2008, 05:47 PM
 
Phoenix~Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Lehigh Valley, PA
Posts: 5,306
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sometimes I get along with DSD's Mom... sometimes I want to kill her. *shrugs*

We are always civil to each other, and it has gotten a lot better... like she actually looks at me when speaking to me. I have even done some drop-offs by myself, and I am FINALLY on the safe list at daycare and can do pick-ups by myself.

She has told my DP that she trusts me, so this is a good thing. We are friendly.... but I would not say we are "friends"... nor do I really want to be. We are on good enough terms to talk about concerns and strategies dealing with DSD, and that is good enough in my book.

ribbonpurple.gif  Proud Single Mama, Birth & Postpartum Doula

Student, Aspiring CNM 
treehugger.gif  DD ~ 1/7/09   shamrocksmile.gif  DS ~ 9/22/10

Phoenix~Mama is offline  
#12 of 28 Old 02-25-2008, 08:44 PM
 
momsadvice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Beautiful Florida
Posts: 139
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
yes for a few and no for the rest. It takes a lot of work.
momsadvice is offline  
#13 of 28 Old 02-25-2008, 09:32 PM
 
Spring Sun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Boulder/Atlanta
Posts: 2,354
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hope so
Spring Sun is offline  
#14 of 28 Old 02-26-2008, 02:52 AM
 
rubelin's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,802
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I imagine it's about as likely as it is for ex's to be friends. I can see that in a few years it might be able to happen, but there will always be a part of me that will be closed to my ex. We are friendly and to some it could even look like we're still together on the surface, but he will always be the man who broke his promises and broke my heart and DBF will always hold that against him, which will stand in the way of their friendship. It will likely be a long time before Ex starts dating again (he's working on getting himself together, which is very good), but I expect that he will end up with someone a lot like me, just like I've ended up with someone a lot like him. That will probably make it easier to have small talk and such, but I don't know how much farther it will go than that. I also think it depends on how much the original partners are over the relationship and how well they already co-parent together. I trust Ex to be a good dad and to be strong enough as a parent to not have that be undermined by any new partner.

Robin~ single, work-at-home momma to my WonderBoys
YoungMan (6/00) & LittleBoy (6/04)
rubelin is online now  
#15 of 28 Old 02-26-2008, 09:42 AM
 
kblackstone444's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: MA
Posts: 3,837
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Honestly, I think not. I would love to be friends with my stepdaughter's Mother, but it's just not happening. Too much jealousy over the child. How can you be friends with someone who flips out if you hug "their" child goodbye or if you, God forbid, ask "their" child to do something, like please stop jumping off the couch.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
kblackstone444 is offline  
#16 of 28 Old 02-26-2008, 12:18 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have been really back and forth over this issue during the last year or so. I think that I have settled on friendly, but not friends. I just don't need my DF's ex telling me that she knows that he is good in bed (true story).

I will say, the friendlier the terms we are on, the less competitive she is with me. That does help.

But, OTOH, if I were truly friends with her, I could say what was on my mind instead of censoring myself all of the time.

So, yeah. Friendly, but not friends.

love.gif

pinksprklybarefoot is offline  
#17 of 28 Old 02-26-2008, 02:43 PM
 
slymamato3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 3,454
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DD is 14 now and she has known my dh as well as her step mom since she was 2. I can honestly say that back when my divorce was new(even though it was desired by me) a friendship with the woman that became involved w/ my ex before he was my ex seemed completely unattainable or wanted. Turns out that w/o her my ex would not have been able to stay in our childs life. With each passing year we definitely are more comfortable and friendly. I am thankful that my dd is lucky enough to have two strong mamas in her life and I figure someday we may be friends. When dd was younger and we were really figuring it all out I would never have felt this way. Stepmom definitely had to prove herself to me before I was even close to willing to "share" my dd with another woman. My relationship with dd is an amazing thing and I am more than confident about the fact that I am her MOM. But she certainly benefits from this other parental figure, so I hope that I can too!
slymamato3 is offline  
#18 of 28 Old 02-27-2008, 08:04 PM
 
phreedom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 706
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I consider her a friend...but I don't really have the type of relationship with her that I do my other friends. I don't call her up just to gossip and we don't go out shopping and for drinks. I'm not her shoulder to cry on and she's not mine. We don't really have too much in common though. She's 13 years older than me. She's nice, but outside of the kids, she's probably not someone I would be friends with...I'm sure she would say the same about me. It's not meant to be negative, just is what it is.

She did come to my baby shower though and I did go to her bridal shower. Pretty much any social activity involving the kids is an automatic invite. She watches my daughter and loves her to death. We talk about the next episode of BB or American Idol...stuff like that. I'm comfortable picking up the phone and making arrangements concerning DSD. I like her and have a tremendous amount of respect for her, but she is my husbands ex wife, not my BFF. I'm very lucky to have the relationship with her that I have.
phreedom is offline  
#19 of 28 Old 02-27-2008, 08:15 PM
 
kalelover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 7
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'll voice in from the other side, I wish that my dds fathers girlfriend would talk to me. They've been together for over 4 years now and she's never said more than hi to me. I was good friends with his last girlfriend and when they broke up it was really bad- she had let me know he was drinking and using drugs while dd was in the house and he became abusive with her and she left the state. Since then he seems to have told his girlfriends they can't talk to me. From what DD tells me, I really like this woman, she does a lot of great activities with DD, cooks her healthy food, gets books for her, plays games with her- more than I think her father does. I wish we could get along.
I guess I'm just putting this out there in case any of you are hesitant assuming that the mom would never want to be friends- You might take the chance. I wish I knew more about the woman who is spending a lot of time with my daughter, in a good way.
kalelover is offline  
#20 of 28 Old 02-27-2008, 09:47 PM
 
CUTESYDOOO's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: RED SOX/PATRIOT NATION
Posts: 3
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Absolutely. You both have to make the effort though. I'm very good friends w/ my boys stepmom. Her and my ex even watch my twins for me on occasion. My DH's ex on the other hand? Forget it. She won't even look at me. Oh well, her loss. She won't even be friendly w/ me never mind friends.

D~
CUTESYDOOO is offline  
#21 of 28 Old 02-28-2008, 05:51 AM
 
2pinks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: where the sun shines
Posts: 314
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Even though I'm 30, my dad has been with my step-mom since I was about 12 or 13. It was rough there for a number of years, but, my mom and step-mom now get along very well. It can and does happen. My mom has bought my sister (my dad and step-mom's daughter) things for her birthday and christmas. She calls my mom Aunt ________.

Wife to G, mommy to dd1 (99), dd2 (07), dd3 (09)
Three beautiful girls. How did I get so very lucky?:
2pinks is offline  
#22 of 28 Old 02-28-2008, 12:05 PM
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 4,742
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by phreedom View Post
I consider her a friend...but I don't really have the type of relationship with her that I do my other friends. I don't call her up just to gossip and we don't go out shopping and for drinks. I'm not her shoulder to cry on and she's not mine. We don't really have too much in common though. She's 13 years older than me. She's nice, but outside of the kids, she's probably not someone I would be friends with...I'm sure she would say the same about me. It's not meant to be negative, just is what it is.

She did come to my baby shower though and I did go to her bridal shower. Pretty much any social activity involving the kids is an automatic invite. She watches my daughter and loves her to death. We talk about the next episode of BB or American Idol...stuff like that. I'm comfortable picking up the phone and making arrangements concerning DSD. I like her and have a tremendous amount of respect for her, but she is my husbands ex wife, not my BFF. I'm very lucky to have the relationship with her that I have.
This is really similar to the type of relationship I have with DSD's mom, right down to the age gap.

love.gif

pinksprklybarefoot is offline  
#23 of 28 Old 02-28-2008, 10:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
Flor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: California
Posts: 5,279
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
There have been times when I felt comfortable picking up the phone and asking questions, taking younger ds over to play with her younger sons, going to dss's swim practice together, etc. But, whenever she and dh get into it, she calls him horrible names and says horrible things about him and the past. I find that hard to get over. I mean, I don't have any other friends who have screamed "m-fer" to my hubby. She's also and addict and I try not to make new relationships with addicts these days. She's really not like anyone I'd be friends with in any other situation. We are friendly, but I can't trust her. I think it would be nice if we could be "friends," but I have to censor myself so much, and she chooses not to censor herself (the pp about dh being good in bed is the type of thing she would say to me, she also tells me about drugs she does, etc.). Even though our custody agreement/visitation agreement has been steady for years, I feel like we're always one big misunderstanding away from court, so I do have to be careful about what I say.
Flor is offline  
#24 of 28 Old 02-29-2008, 04:30 PM
 
SimpleJoys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 399
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I could never be friends with mine. I tried at first, what a joke. I don't do crazy.
SimpleJoys is offline  
#25 of 28 Old 02-29-2008, 05:26 PM
 
Chula13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Las Vegas,nv
Posts: 542
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Now my situation is probably a little different than most of you, considering my stepson lives with us and only sees his mother on the weekends. So I'm more like the main mother and she's more like the co-mother if that makes sense , I think we have come to the point where she respects my opinion and backs me up when necessary with my stepson.

But believe me it was not always that way and their was actually a point in time where we got into a physical altercation. But now she has actually referred to him in a conversation as our kid so I think that's major progress.
Also I watch her other kids for her when she needs a sitter. That being said I couldn't imagine just hanging out with her radomly without my stepson involved.

Mother to  Joaquin 10-13-00ribboncesarean.gif , Israel 9-5-2008 hbac.gif Judah 01-26-11hbac.gif Jax 01-26-11ribboncesarean.gif
Chula13 is offline  
#26 of 28 Old 02-29-2008, 08:31 PM
 
getting_there's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Michigan
Posts: 106
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We co-parented and my husband and my x were friends. I think it is harder for women. We weren't close but I respected that she cares for and wanted the best for my kids. We couldn't really be friends as the only things we really had in common were the kids. We did share birthday parties, sport games from t-ball to varsity teams the for us us went to conferences together. It was not uncommon for use to be in the bleachers step mom, next to Xhusband, next to me, next to my husband. We tried the friend route when the kids were about 9 years and 11 years but truthfully? If we had met at a social event we would have never gravitated to each other, we simply didn't have that much in common. She is perfect for my X and she loves my kids for that she gets my respect. We did have the unwritten rule that the birth parents had veto rights over the step parents decisions.
Now my husband and my X would go roller blading together, hockey games etc but it wasn't that way for us women.
We decided early on that we are going to be in and out of each other's lives for the rest of our natural life. It seems like it is 18 years but we quickly realized that we would then have college graduation, weddings, births etc. We are linked for life so it was better for us to not try and force the friendship between she and I. It was enough that we both loved our kids.
getting_there is offline  
#27 of 28 Old 03-01-2008, 09:02 PM
 
nikag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 512
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
I could never be friends with mine. I tried at first, what a joke. I don't do crazy.
:
nikag is offline  
#28 of 28 Old 03-02-2008, 07:26 AM
 
sdm1024's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Long Island
Posts: 461
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
on the situation.

My DH's ex wife and I have run the gamut of the friendship relationship. For a while, we were pretty friendly. Not sleepover, cry on my shoulder kind of friend, but we'd chat on the phone now and then for a bit and I'd be in email contact/phone contact with her pretty regularly about scheduling, plans for our weekends with the girls, etc.

Then for a bit, she met/married/moved in with a man very quick (3 weeks, and wanted to change school districts etc), and it was hard for me to accept that her choice. It came apparent that my opinion didn't matter, to her, my DH or anyone else for that matter. That was also when her attitude to me and DH started to change. She, because of the friendly relationship between us felt ok knocking my husband for his past failures, and his family as well...the kind of joking that you would do with a friend, which made me feel uncomfortable.

So, I went into a period of time when I wouldn't talk or email her. This also had ALOT to do with the fact that I was feeling taken advantage of by everyone in this dynamic and felt that Tracy (the ex) and my DH needed to be communicating to each other, and it wasn't MY job to make sure that the skids had enough time with their dad, or make plans, schedules, do their laundry etc. There was also a time when DH was away that she and I made plans to get the kids together to play, and she completely blew me off, never called....and that hurt.

Now, we are at a comfortable place. I call/email if I need to: for example, this weekend we wanted to take the kids sledding, I called to ask her to pack snowpants and boots, as Dh was at a conf and wasn't sure if he was able to contact her. I pass along my DD's nice hand-me downs to the skids, but will call/email to see if they are something she would like. I called her when I caught my DD using SD6's webkins account when the skids weren't here, just to let her know and prevent drama.

In that long post, I guess every relationship is different, and it takes some trial and error to find what are comfortable boundaries for everyone. Early in the relationship btw DH and I, I wanted to be super involved. Now, I think we are in a better spot.
sdm1024 is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off