Am I being hormonally crazy? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 08:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm putting this here, as I think Step-Mom's might be able to offer some insight...

DP asked me today how I'd feel about asking his ex for the crib, stroller, and new born car seat they had.

I nearly started crying. I didn't mean to... I know his heart was in the right place with saving money...

But all I can think is... this is the stuff him and his ex-wife picked out together with their first baby...

I don't want my first pregnancy just brushed aside because he's been through it. I know that isn't what he is doing... but isn't part of the first pregnancy getting to pick out this stuff?

I just don't want the constant reminder in my face that this is his and his ex wives' not mine....

Am I just being irrational and hormonal??

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#2 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 08:40 PM
 
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NOT hormonal and crazy. I would have the same reaction. *HUGS*
Does he get how you feel about the issue now? Or is it a problem?

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#3 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 08:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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He didn't push the issue. He said we don't have to make a decision right now and he understands that it may be something I don't want to do, he was thinking of saving us money.

Like I said, I know his heart was in the right place... I just feel sick thinking about it.

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#4 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 08:54 PM
 
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*Hugs*

Maybe you could start putting a little bit of money each week for fun "baby" purchases? Make a special "baby stuff" bottle fund or something of the sort? You could also point out to him that if you guys are planning on baby shower, and have a lot of friends and family, you can hope for some of the things you need to come from the gifts.

Even with money being tight, I'd make sure that he uderstands that borrowing stuff from the ex is NOT an option (ugh... *shudder*).

I think pinky had a story on this topic.

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#5 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 09:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah, I thought of Pink immediately! lol That's the thing... I'm the oldest in my family, and out of all my cousins. And I do have a BIG family. I know we are going to get stuff from family. Heck, even one of my family members may have a crib lying around right now if it came to that.


I think hand-me-down stuff wouldn't bother me as much as long as it wasn't his ex's. I don't want her things in my peaceful environment... regardless that we get along... that doesn't change that she is the EX and this is MY family now. *shrugs*

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#6 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 09:15 PM
 
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Hell No!

No way would I want hand-me-downs from his ex! I mean, maybe some sibling clothes down the road, but not baby stuff. I'd be very offended. I told my husband that if we have a baby, I want him to be very sensitive to anything that could sound "been there, done that," as this would be hurtful to me. A child we have together would be my first and I don't want it to feel like the 3rd kid, you know. He's pretty good on that now. The other day I asked if he thought we should keep or give away or sell DSD's car seat that she outgrew, and he said "well, I can't imagine we'd have any use for it -- might as well get rid of it."

It's weird -- I know he has kids, so I know he has these experiences, and I'm ok with the kids being around and I adore them, but it's like on some level I don't want to hear about his past experiences in that way.

And I certainly would want to choose my own baby stuff. And any hand-me-downs would not be from her. No way. Stand your ground on this one -- your pregnancy and your baby are special and not reruns.

We don't want her energy in here anyway -- even got rid of the tiny bit of furniture and dishes he had from before just recently. Felt great to get it out of the house (it bothered him much more than me). Last week I gave away a bunch of clothes that reminded me of when I had been married before. I had held onto them out of some misplaced practicality, but never wore them. Much better to start fresh!

Maybe if you gently explain that this is a hugely special experience for a woman and you'd really hate to feel like it wasn't special to him then he'll get it. My husband did. Sometimes you have to be direct with men. Good luck.

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#7 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 09:19 PM
 
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No, you're not being crazy. I think I'd be OK with the stroller (which was stolen during SD's toddlerhood, so this is moot) and the car seat, but not the crib. I'd be OK with using my SD's crib from her dad's house (she was still a baby when they divorced) even though it's the same style of crib, if it was in better shape (it got banged up in the last move--good thing she had outgrown it and we were just saving it). I am the cheapest person on the planet, so I'd welcome the free accessory/safety stuff...but I have an emotional attachment to my home (wherever my home is at the time) and I don't want her stuff in it.

That said, I would never ever ever ever ask for her stuff, and I can't imagine my partner doing so, because there's already tension that I'm "living her life" and she's older than my partner and I are and believes she'll never have another child and this would be just one more indication... and we are a lot more financially secure than she is, and we have parents who are a lot more financially secure (and desperately wanting to spoil more grandchildren) than hers are...so no, it wouldn't come up. If she offered, well maybe...dunno.

As it is, I think the grandparents on both sides would go crazy and I won't have to worry about furnishing a nursery.

But to get back to your original question...no, you're not crazy.

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#8 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 09:37 PM
 
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I'd feel the same way. In fact, when my Hubby and his ExWife were finalizing things and selling the house, one of the suggestions my Hubby put up was us buying the house and living there together- me and him in the Master Bedroom, my son in the guest bedroom and his daughter in her own room. It would have saved us lots and lots of money and made our lives a hell of a lot easier, but all I could think about was making love to him in the same bedroom he started his marriage with his Ex and concieved his child with his Ex. It creeped me out, not to mention all the jealousy issues and inferiority complexes I would have suffered from, either "for real" or "in my mind". Your reaction is completely normal. Nobody wants to be a "leftover".

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#9 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 10:07 PM
 
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I second the Hell No! response.

You have lots of time to save up enough money before your baby comes. You could save $20/month and have enough to get something at a gently used place like a Once Upon a Child. Target has cute stuff too and it's not incredibly expensive. Plus I'm sure you will have a shower, since this is your first baby.

His ex's used Diaper Genie is one thing. A crib is something entirely different. My DD is sleeping now in the crib that I slept in when I was a baby.
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#10 of 30 Old 05-02-2008, 11:35 PM
 
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Sounds like y'all already know my answer on this one.

We accepted quite a few hand-me downs from my dad and stepmom (my littlest brother is 4) and our cosleeper bassinette came from my stepmom's sister. It was just different.

You guys are starting a new family, so the things in your house should be from your family. I am no longer hormonal (I allege, anyway), and I am glad that I stuck by my guns on that one. I think that DF understands now why it was a thing then.

Every now and then, DSD's mom will send over some random baby thing that she finds. It's like it is a challenge for her to sneak DSD's baby things over here. Don't ask me why this woman still has baby stuff - she moved and had a garage sale when DSD was 3. Last week I opened up DSD's backpack and was greeted by a giant plastic bag of take 'n' toss spoons. This woman with no use for baby flatware had more of it than I had ever planned on purchasing in my life. We did once get a pair of leopard print socks that DSD wore as a baby. DS did sport those - with his "I do my own stunts" t-shirt.

You aren't crazy. The fun of picking out baby stuff is what makes up for the backaches, the heartburn, the waddling, and the fact that several (if not many) people will see your poop when you push out your baby.

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#11 of 30 Old 05-04-2008, 12:12 AM
 
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I third the "hell no" thought process....ick.

I'm sure his heart was in the right place, but men typically have zero clue about how much this stuff means to women, yk?

You'll get so much *stuff* from relatives, you'll have more than you'll need without having to resort to using his "past life" things.
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#12 of 30 Old 05-04-2008, 01:38 AM
 
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I have to say it . . Hell no ! . . . more hugs and you are not a hormonal crazy pregnant woman !
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#13 of 30 Old 05-04-2008, 05:12 PM
 
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I can see a guy thinking that it was a perfectly rational idea. That doesn't mean that you should want them. I wouldn't. ESPECIALLY if you have a large family and know that those things will come from a shower, anyway. And you can choose the things that best meet YOUR needs.

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#14 of 30 Old 05-04-2008, 05:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks everyone!

We had a long talk and he "got it".

We went to Baby's R Us today to browse and get ideas and actually found a beautiful crib/changing table that is totally affordable too.

I'm all happy again. lol

Thank you again. I may have to pester you more as this progresses... I'm a little over the place so am not precisely sure if I'm being rational all the time. lol

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#15 of 30 Old 05-04-2008, 07:48 PM
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I don't want my first pregnancy just brushed aside because he's been through it.
Ah geez...I could have written that. My dh raised ds1 alone from 2 months of age until I came along with ds1 was 3&1/2. His mom just dropped off the scene altogether, but in the early days she popped in and out occasionally (she's been pretty much gone since I got pregnant with dd).

During my pregnancy so many people said "Oh you're so lucky to have Phil, he's been through all this before." Geez...thanks. Nothing like reminding the hormonal pregnant lady that the child she has been mothering* all this time is not hers. Thanks. 'Preciate it.

And while pretty much all of ds1's baby stuff was gone....Dh did suggest that if the baby was a girl that we use the name that he wanted for ds1 if ds1 had been a girl.

The name that he and his ex had decided on.

I called him quite a few names that night, let me tell you!!

We laid down some groud rules with regards to my pregnancy: He was not allowed to compare it to his ex's. He was not allowed to compare the births. My fear was that my pregnancy and the birth of our child together would be diminished because he had "been there, done that."

My fears were ungrounded, and I think from your last post your dh understands what's going on and I hope that he'll be as supportive as mine is.

And congrats on the baby, btw!

(*While Cam still calls me by my first name, he refers to me as his mother...because in his own words his mother "quit...but it's ok because I have Lesley to be my mom")
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#16 of 30 Old 05-04-2008, 09:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Aww, Lesley! Thank you! I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one with these fears.

I laid the ground rules too. He can off input on baby things that he did with his daughter, but that doesn't mean that we will neccessarily do them. I am different, and together we are different, meaning our needs may be different. I think that has really sunk into him.

His Mom has been wonderful with schooling him too. She is always on my side. hehe

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#17 of 30 Old 05-04-2008, 11:43 PM
 
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I agree with the idea that input does not mean doing things the same. We don't parent DSS or DS the same way his mom does or the way that I think DH would have if he was still with DSS's mom. One of the suggestions I have for stuff DSD's mom might give you even if you don't ask for it is what I do with stuff anyone gives me that I find ugly or don't want for whatever reason. Take it. Say thank you then take it to Once Upon a Child and sell it so you can take the money and buy things you like, want and pick out, especially for big things like cribs etc... I get ugly clothes so often from people and I just take them if they are new I return them if they are used I sell them and if I can't sell them I just give them away. Hope this helps. Congratulations and good luck

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#18 of 30 Old 05-05-2008, 06:05 PM
 
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The "oh hell no" replies are very telling.

Answer this question.

Would you buy all new for YOUR second child? Cause this is what it is for YOUR husband.

My third child (second marriage) reused many things that my former spouse and I picked out. My husband, wonderful man that he is, never batted an eye at it. He is secure in who he is in my life, and knows that stuff is just stuff.


In fact, when my former spouse did get his new wife pregnant... I offered to pass a bunch of stuff back to him... his wife refused it. Who the heck refuses fuzzibunz in great shape, a medela breast pump, kelty kids back pack, urgo back pack, slings, and gender neutral cotton sleepers? Again, it was very telling to me.

Some of it was purchased by my former spouse or his family in the first place.

Whatever..
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#19 of 30 Old 05-05-2008, 06:17 PM
 
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He is secure in who he is in my life, and knows that stuff is just stuff.
(I'm not picking on you specifically - just quoting your words.) OP I find this kind of statement harsh. You having the feelings you have are very valid. These feelings you have don't make you a bad person. While I understand the desire to make sure you're not completely out of left field because of hormones - I did it all the time when I was pg too - please know that your feelings are entirely yours and have a right to be heard and addressed. While I would not support you screaming at your DH that he was an insensitive knob for suggestion such a thing. I do applaud you putting your feelings out there and addressing them in such a way that your needs are being met. (I found that hard to do when I was pg. )

I don't know what I'm really trying to say, that statement just really struck a cord with me and I wanted you to know that I think you have every right to your feelings and I'm impressed by how you handled this situation.
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#20 of 30 Old 05-05-2008, 07:30 PM
 
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In fact, when my former spouse did get his new wife pregnant... I offered to pass a bunch of stuff back to him... his wife refused it. Who the heck refuses fuzzibunz in great shape, a medela breast pump, kelty kids back pack, urgo back pack, slings, and gender neutral cotton sleepers? Again, it was very telling to me.
k
I think that's where I might be weirded out...I'd take the diapers and other stuff if offered, but I think I'd have problems using my partner's ex-wife's breast pump. (Even replacing the contact parts, I know...)

We're all human, and we all have things that make us uncomfortable--that's not a character flaw, it's just how people are.

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#21 of 30 Old 05-05-2008, 08:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yeah the sleepers and such... maybe... a breast pump?? Oh dear God no! Sorry. No way. To me that is like a used bra... no way. lol

And thanks Katwoman, that is very sweet of you.


As for would I buy all new for my second child? I'm thinking I won't need to. Tis why DP and I are picking out neutral things to reuse when we have more children... but they are our children and our things... not his and his ex. *shrugs*

Part of the fun of first pregnancy is picking out the things, that shouldn't be taken from me just because it's his second. And he fully agrees with that.

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#22 of 30 Old 05-05-2008, 10:17 PM
 
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\
As for would I buy all new for my second child? I'm thinking I won't need to. Tis why DP and I are picking out neutral things to reuse when we have more children... but they are our children and our things... not his and his ex. *shrugs*
Bolding mine.

This is really the issue for me. I wanted "our" experience, not a redo of theirs.

With regard to the breast pump, I couldn't do a used one either. I was offered DSD's mom's nursing pillow, and that squicked me out a bit. And now knowing how many bodily fluids I dripped on mine (not to mention spit-up from DS), I am happy I bought my own.

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#23 of 30 Old 05-05-2008, 11:49 PM
 
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I think it's an important talk to have, and something each woman has to decide her own comfort level. My biological babies slept/sleep in the crib that my step-daughter slept in because my husband had a sentimental attachment to it, and it was something he had picked out... I was fine with that. But I can absolutely understand other people not being fine with it.

One thing that was important to my husband when we were expecting our first together was that he didn't want to become afraid to ever mention the pregancy, birth, or infancy of his first daughter... in trying to be sensitive to my need not to hear about it and feel compared, he felt like he had to keep his own feelings to himself... we found a comfortable middle ground where we both thought before we spoke when it came to those "sensitive topics" and we could just let the other know if something they said was upsetting us.

One thing that I initially had a really hard time with was that we weren't going through the "firsts" together... the first time I heard the baby's heartbeat wasn't HIS first time hearing his child's heartbeat, for example. But it really stuck with me when he told me that it was the first time he was hearing THIS baby's heartbeat, and THAT was the same for both of us... when we were pregnant with our second, I really came to appreciate the truth in that... it was just as amazing to hear the second one's heartbeat as it was the first, and it had it's own special place in my heart... her pregnancy and birth was no less special because I had "been there done that." Sure, he has done these things before, but he has never done them with YOU and with THIS baby, and that makes a difference.

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#24 of 30 Old 05-06-2008, 02:30 AM
 
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... but they are our children and our things....


So are you really discounting his first born as not his family? OURchild OUR things? What about the first born children, what about some of the "things" that are special with the first child? My children all slept in the same sleepers... all of them, and it was lovingly packed away for when they have children. (and it was offered to their father.. whose wife refused, robbing him of having all of his children sleep in the same wonderful sleeper) Sometimes things are more than just things, they are family.


And to another poster.. Your husband is not allowed to compare the two pregnancies? I really think you are missing a great chance to grow, and include this pregnancy into the family you already have, a chance to "bond" a little with the pregnancy of the child the universe has brought into your life. To celebrate not only this child's life, but your partner's first child. Truly, you are missing out on something that might be really good.

My new husband asked me all the time how our last pregnancy compared to the first two.. the two he was not around for. If I got sick, the question came.. was it this bad before? When my breasts started growing... How big did they get last time? Labor... what was it like? How do you know??

When your husband seems overly worried because this pregnancy is different, or not worried over an ache or complaint... he might just have the prior experience to either calm you, or push you to going into your care person. That is an invaluable resource, and closing the door on it because you are too insecure is really just cheating yourself.


As for the breast pump.... It was over 500 bucks, and a closed system. In no way was it any worse than renting one. It works wonders for working moms, and supply issues. Bras would have been a whole other story....
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#25 of 30 Old 05-06-2008, 07:54 AM
 
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Starting this out by saying that I am not a part of a blended family (yet, we've been together for almost a year and are planning to marry soon) and I am not pregnant.

I think part of this comes down to a man/woman thing sometimes, at least in my experience. My sweetheart thinks nothing of coming here, sleeping in the same house, bedroom, bed that I shared with my husband. But honestly, it kind of bothers me to be in the bed he shared with his wife (I've never spent the night there though - my kids are younger and I don't spend the night anywhere but at home with them).

We're now trying to figure out how we will blend our families. My house is perfect for all six of us (me and my three kids, and him and his son) but the location is not perfect for us. His location is perfect, but his house will need remodeled (too small for all six of us). One thing that I told him was important to me would be a new master bedroom - a room that would just be *ours*. Luckily he agrees with that wholeheartedly (it is a space issue too, we need to add bedrooms so why not make one of them a master?), but I could see it becoming a problem for me if he didn't. Could I move right in? Sure - but it probably would bother me a bit.

Again, just my experience....
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#26 of 30 Old 05-06-2008, 09:02 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Boobybunny, I've never once discounted his daughter as family. She is my little girl too... and you might pick up on that from various posts I do here. She is my heart child as someone so eloquently described in another post.

He has no sentimental attachment to any of the previous things... he offered it to save money. He'd rather pick stuff out with me.

I don't feel I am robbing him of anything. In fact yesterday he slipped and called the new baby Alex, I didn't say a word about it. My Mom calls me and my sisters by each others names all the time, it happens.


As for comparing pregnancies, yeah sorry I am taking that away... For one BIG reason. His ex is more into modern things and went to a hospital and was hooked up to five billion things and had an episiotomy and an epidural, and countless other things that make me sick to my stomach. I told him straight out my pregnancy will be different and we are going with a midwife so to noe even mention about getting an epidural because I will not do it.

He is a little scared because his ex had him beleiving all that medical equipment and nonsense was for the good of the baby... I had to reassure him woman have been birthing naturally for centuries and I would not do anything to put the baby in harms way.

There is no need to compare our pregnancies... we are two very different people, and each pregnancy is different.

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#27 of 30 Old 05-06-2008, 11:42 AM
 
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My husband's ex also had doctor, hospital, demoral birth and I think the fact that I did home, midwife, water birth definitly was nice to for DH and me. He had to be way more involved during my birth which was also alot longer than ex's birth. I think I would have been annoyed if he was like oh why are you so whiney, ex was never his whiney when SHE was pregnant, but he did not do this and I don't think I cared about him comparing because all of our ideas about parenting and child birth were so different and I felt mine where so much better that I felt like I was the winner anyway.

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#28 of 30 Old 05-06-2008, 01:54 PM
 
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Matt and I would like to have a baby in a few years. I would not want to reuse the big things either, the feeling of those things being chosen together by them during what was probably a happy time would bee too hard. Sharing clothing or toys would be different, I think. Right now Madison is wearing some of Maia's hand me downs and Sage is wearing some of Madisons. they are siblings now and this is what we do. However, I would have issue using big things I thought that he had picked out with his ex or things that my ex and I picked out.


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Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
I'd feel the same way. In fact, when my Hubby and his ExWife were finalizing things and selling the house, one of the suggestions my Hubby put up was us buying the house and living there together- me and him in the Master Bedroom, my son in the guest bedroom and his daughter in her own room. It would have saved us lots and lots of money and made our lives a hell of a lot easier, but all I could think about was making love to him in the same bedroom he started his marriage with his Ex and concieved his child with his Ex. It creeped me out, not to mention all the jealousy issues and inferiority complexes I would have suffered from, either "for real" or "in my mind". Your reaction is completely normal. Nobody wants to be a "leftover".

This is my life right now! We just bought his ex's house. We take possession next week. All of the furniture is going with her, we are having a major house cleansing ritual done by 2 Wiccan priestesses, we are also repainting every room in the house. It is a 3 bedroom Tri-level with an office. We are giving Maia (the oldest) the Master bedroom, each little girl will have her own room, and we are remodeling the lower level family room to be the new Master Bedroom. It was the only way I could do it.
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#29 of 30 Old 05-07-2008, 07:47 PM
 
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I guess, first of all, that some people have issues with "used" stuff in general. I don't, I think it's better to recycle things and use them again. I would be looking for all used stuff for a baby because they grow so fast that I'm sure most things would be in good condition.

Having said that... I highly doubt that DH's ex would volunteer anything she had from DSD's infancy. But if she did, I would see it as DSD's old stuff, not as her mom's stuff. It was DSD's crib, stroller, clothes, etc - not her mom's.

I think it would be a little bit weird but I'd get over it. We have a cradle that DH's dad made for DSD when she was a baby. I don't know if I'd ever actually put a baby in a cradle, but if I wanted to, you can bet I'd use that one! The fact that your husband's ex is the person who has the baby stuff now doesn't change the fact that it belongs to your husband and stepkid just as much as it belongs to her.

Of course, I am neither pregnant nor hormonal so maybe that's why I think I would take the stuff.

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#30 of 30 Old 05-08-2008, 12:29 PM
 
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I wouldn't want anything that belonged to Dh's ex, baby or otherwise. He had a large house that he had bought from her parents while they were married. She was raised in that house and then lived in it with Dh after the birth of Dss. To me every room resonated with unhappiness. Here was the sewing room where Dh had to sleep alone, here was the door his sd had knocked down in anger, here was the paint and furniture his sd had ruined with throwing soda pop at the walls. Here was where the window was broken when his old inlaws broke into the house to steal the things their daughter didn't get in the divorce settlement. Here was the kitchen where Dh cooked every meal because ex was always too tired or too sick or too bitter. There was no way I was living there or keeping any of the stuff that this woman may have touched. Her brother had even carved his initials in the fireplace! No thanks to any of those dysfunctional memories.Dh has sold the house and we live in a new one about 30 miles away. It has been a blessing to get away from all those sad, bad memories. We do have things that belong to dss in storage but I would never reuse them for anyone, though I could have for our grandbaby. Too many negative memories for every happy one.
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