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#121 of 148 Old 05-24-2008, 09:00 AM
 
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Yes, I wasn't sure about that either. On the other hand, she may at some point want to know and have some use for it; who knows what she'll go through in her life. Any tone will be part of the time, of course.

There are some things that I do wish we spoke more honestly about with grown children. (Emphasis on "grown".) I don't think, in general, that we really talk about divorce in anything but a summary, softened way. My own parents went through divorce at a time when no-fault wasn't an option, so it was a major undertaking. Even so, I heard little about it. And I was very much surprised by the realities I smacked into.
I'm not suggesting that one not be honest and answer questions directly. What I am trying to get at is that anything I would have recorded during my separation process from her father will not paint a flattering picture of him. Even if it is pure factual accounting, things like "came home drunk again, we got in a fight", "sent him out to the store for milk, gone for 5 hours, came home high" tend to cast him as the villian, myself as the victim.

The facts remain the facts, but after leaving the relationship, doing some reflection both on my own and in therapy, I see how both of us played our part in the demise of the relationship. I knew who he was when we got married, he didn't suddenly change into an irresponsible guy.

Rather than give my DD the facts of that story, I would prefer to talk to her about it in terms of what I learned. I can cite some examples if she really wants them. Since she really doesn't know her biological father that well, she doesn't seem particularly inquisitive thus far. We'll see, she is coming up on the teen years.
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#122 of 148 Old 05-24-2008, 09:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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As the child of divorced parents, I have always been grateful that my parents allowed me to base a relationship with the other parent on only my own experience with them. Even now I don't have a need to or interest in hearing about the demise of my parents' marriage and who did what to whom. It doesn't have anything to do with me, and I can see absolutely no good coming of learning that my father was a drunk, that my mother ran away with us, that my grandparents never approved of the marriage, that she slept with his best friend... whatever might come out. It's certainly not going to make my relationship with anyone stronger, though it certainly does have the potential to do a little damage.

As an adult, I can see my parents' strengths, their faults, their mental health. I can come to terms with it myself, without the input of the other parent. I doubt my mother knows I talk to my father on the phone nearly every day, nor does she know anything about the nuances of our relationship. She might very well assume that the same things that caused problems in their marriage will cause problems in our adult relationship, but she hasn't had the opportunity to see any growth or change over the last 30 years. I'm sure her mental picture of him is still mostly of the person he was 30 years ago.

When I was going through a divorce, I talked to my mom and dad a lot for support. They were happy to sympathize, they were happy to tell me things they went through emotionally during their divorce, they were happy to tell me lessons they have learned through their lives. Never once did either one of them give me any "dirt" from their marriage. They were still honest with me, they still supported me, they still shared their life experience with me. At the same time, they respected that we are parent and child, not buddies. and they respected my right to have a relationship with the other parent based solely on my experiences, not on their baggage.

That's my experience, anyway. Of course, I would love to hear the perspective of a child of divorce whose relationship with their parent has been helped by hearing all the details from one parent about the marriage and subsequent divorce. I'm open-minded...

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#123 of 148 Old 05-24-2008, 08:59 PM
 
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I'm not suggesting that one not be honest and answer questions directly. What I am trying to get at is that anything I would have recorded during my separation process from her father will not paint a flattering picture of him. Even if it is pure factual accounting, things like "came home drunk again, we got in a fight", "sent him out to the store for milk, gone for 5 hours, came home high" tend to cast him as the villian, myself as the victim.

The facts remain the facts, but after leaving the relationship, doing some reflection both on my own and in therapy, I see how both of us played our part in the demise of the relationship. I knew who he was when we got married, he didn't suddenly change into an irresponsible guy.
Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, something like that could be very difficult...on the other hand, for an adult child, it could also be very valuable, especially if she finds herself repeating the patterns. In no instance do I think any such revelations should be handed out unless the child asks. I don't really believe in the "for your own good" school of telling your story.

Our situation is a little different -- xh's mental illness has been part of dd's landscape since she was a near-toddler and I had to find a way of explaining why daddy had gone away (to the mental hospital). I wanted to find something that would let her understand that he was sad (depressed), but without leaving her to equate sad with sick. I ended up taking a cue from a woman whose father had had Alzheimers, and told her that "Daddy has a booboo in his head that makes him very sad sometimes, and he's in the hospital so doctors can help him with the booboo." That worked beautifully, and over the next year or so she was able to ask many questions about the booboo. When we separated, I was also able to explain that in terms of the booboo -- that daddy needed more privacy so he could take care of the booboo (which was true; I didn't figure she also needed to know that Mama couldn't take living with the booboo anymore and was about ready for the psych ward herself). The booboo is still with us, and she knows it was a factor in the divorce, but beyond that she'll have to wait till she's grown for me to try to answer more of her questions about why we aren't married anymore. Which may turn out to be difficult. People are usually shocked when they find out that xh was the one who filed; they just assume, well, seriously mentally ill guy, it's unfortunate, but you have to take care of yourself and the child. She may come to the same idea and be angry at me. But I really think that kind of conversation should wait until she's grown, if it can. I'm guessing I'll be able to tell her, in the end, that I think it was likely best that we divorced.

One thing that strikes me, looking back through the parts of her journal that are about me and her father, was how transparently hard I was working to put her dad in a positive light (he's stayed at the hotel while I'm out sightseeing because he's tired, his job is very stressful and responsible, etc.), and how very slow I was to understand that there was a serious and longstanding mental illness, that nothing was going to change, regardless of the treatments or therapies; that this was a permanent condition for him. What really leaps out is the worry, and then, during the divorce, the fear. I think something that likely helps throughout is the fact that I know -- or believe -- that so much of what he does is driven by the illness, and that I don't understand the illness, except to see that it ravages. In many way it relieves you of writing a chronicle of fault.

I heard both my parents tell some version of their story, aricha, in pieces, when I was in my 20s and 30s. I also came across a set of letters while in the attic one day and read them. In my 20s I was still too close to childhood to feel comfortable with it all, but as I got older I was grateful that -- well, grateful my dad had talked, anyway. And that my mom had said some of the things she'd said, including her story of why she decided she needed a divorce. I could've done without the vitriolic attacks on my dad's second wife, whom I happen to like. (Though that was a lesson learned too.) All of it helped as I was going through my own divorce. All of these stories, of course, are really stories about the teller, not the divorce itself or the other parent. That's plain, and I think that's worthwhile in itself, when you're talking about your parents. But what it also shows -- like any story -- is how someone important to you navigated something difficult and fraught. There are always lessons in that.

The unguarded and often very frank things my grandmother had said about my aunt's mental illness also helped. It was no secret to me -- or anyone with eyes -- that my aunt was out of her mind in a dangerous way, so it wasn't like my grandma was tipping a hand. But it can be difficult to find frank stories about living with a family member's mental illness, how harrowing and destructive it can be, so I was immensely grateful that she'd talked. I think it saved me years of believing that the problem was me, that I was doing something wrong. Instead I was able to see that I was handling it about as well as anyone could hope to.
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#124 of 148 Old 05-24-2008, 09:41 PM
 
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Coming a bit late-- but I've been trying to imagine dh and his ex talking about parenting. I guess maybe in the first few years they tried it (a bit of a mess, since they both tend to become offended at everything the other says), but since they have been divorced for over 12 years, it seems unnecessary at this point. Dss has two very different families. Each house has different rules, expectatons, dynamics and we all know that. I don't see why we need to know the details, or the reasons why. We don't need to talk about bedtimes, or school clothes. We all acknowledge that the two houses don't share all the same values. We are two different families going in different directions with 12 years between them. Both houses have new partners and children. Dss is doing great (adolescent angst sometimes, and some blended family issues, but a generally great kid, straignt A's, lots of friends, etc.). We do talk if there is a problem like health issues, or if a story sounds funny and we need to check, and maybe we should talk more, but I just don't think it is necessary for dh and his ex to negotiate. We fully expect that she'll be the parent who lets him stay our later and smoke, but we also feel like the only control we have is over our own house and do our best to teach him our version of right/wrong or healthy/dangerous. Maybe it is that he is a teen, but it seems to work better to talk to him about the choices he is making rather than his mother about what she allows him to do. Maybe I'm missing something. What kinds of things do people talk about in these phone conversations? We do call here if there is some bit of information she needs (like when the first day of school is, or a dentist appointmet).
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#125 of 148 Old 05-24-2008, 10:28 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Flor;11308326] . Maybe I'm missing something. What kinds of things do people talk about in these phone conversations? QUOTE]

Just curious--Does anyone feel comfortable with an ex emailing to say that the saw a particular person from the past or to share good news about a professional accomplishment? My ex has done this, and it felt like an update from a cousin-equivalent. It doesn't make my kid confused but happy (he doesn't really react at all because he's used to zero-acrimony. He was very young when we separated). We also email or chat about silly or serious kid stuff, etc. At his school, there are very few divorced parents (addresses are listed in handbook), so I'm glad we can dispel any stereotypes about hating exes. It's all very "civilized."
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#126 of 148 Old 05-25-2008, 09:58 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just curious--Does anyone feel comfortable with an ex emailing to say that the saw a particular person from the past or to share good news about a professional accomplishment?
My ex, with whom I don't have any children, has emailed me on occasion... he was in a really serious motorcycle accident a year ago and he emailed me with a couple other people to tell me. He also told me when he started his own business, something that had been a goal of his we'd been working toward at one point. I would be happy to hear about old friends I haven't heard from since the divorce as well, though I'm not sure I've gotten much news there. I emailed to tell him our dog (I had "custody" ) had passed away, and included him in the email to some friends that I was moving far away.

Of course, we don't have children together, so we have complete freedom to keep in touch or not as we choose. I think it makes a big difference and we are much friendlier now because we haven't been forced to keep in touch after we disentangled our affairs and started to make new lives for ourselves... there is nothing to keep us "stuck" in our married relationship dynamics like there might be if we were parenting together.

I always think it is great when my husband and his ex get to a point where they can put things aside and act sort of like friends. But they both have to be in the same emotional place at the same time to make it work. I know my husband would love to hear how his ex-nieces are doing or whether some mutual friends finally got married... everytime she is in a place of sharing news or laughing together about something their daughter said, I see a little glimmer of hope for the future.

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#127 of 148 Old 05-25-2008, 11:27 AM
 
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I'm quite friendly with my own ex (no kids together), so we chat on occasion about things other than deaths in the family (which is what I've assumed is the "baseline"--if you have any contact with your ex *at all*, it's for deaths in the family).

I don't mind if my partner and his ex chat just to chat--I don't think they've ever initiated a phone call for reasons other than their child or a death in the family, but I do know occasionally the phone conversation will turn toward other topics, and occasionally one or the other will initiate an email about unrelated topics ("hey, I noticed your favorite band in the world will be coming to Milwaukee, I'm not sure if you heard yet"/"my computer's not working right, what do you think the problem is?"). I'm glad they can be friendly (when they can be) for reasons other than their daughter. It does make their interactions in general more peaceful.

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#128 of 148 Old 05-25-2008, 01:58 PM
 
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I'm glad they can be friendly (when they can be) for reasons other than their daughter. It does make their interactions in general more peaceful.

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#129 of 148 Old 05-25-2008, 03:02 PM
 
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I'd love it if we could have that sort of cousinish relationship (of course, if we could, I doubt we'd be divorced). It seems very sane to me. Unfortunately, xh still seems to believe that I'm somehow dangerous to him, so no, he doesn't initiate that sort of thing. He'll usually stand still for it if I start it, but I suspect it's mostly because he doesn't have a good way to disentangle himself -- instead he'll just respond minimally, or check out of the conversation. In fact I just noticed that for the last year or so I'll greet him with "how are you," or "how're your folks" or some such, and leave room for chitchat, but he doesn't do that sort of thing, doesn't ask after me or my family. I can't say I'm really surprised, though -- the amount of contact we do have is probably an effort for him. In the past whenever he's cut off a relationship, personal or work, he doesn't speak to the person again unless he must, and that person spends a few years in the Pantheon of Evil before being rehabilitated in absentia. He never spoke to his first ex again after leaving her. I wonder sometimes what she made of that. For me, that sharp cutoff's tough to imagine -- even the college boyfriends with whom I didn't really maintain friendships, we still get in touch every so often, exchange kid pictures, stuff like that. One of them, I still talk to his mom sometimes, and she brings me up to date on the family (whether I want it or not ).
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#130 of 148 Old 05-25-2008, 03:34 PM
 
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I think the "cousinish" relationship sounds great, but after a decade apart and lots of crap under the bridge, dh and his ex are now very different people and really have no interest in each other. When he started his own business, his ex was just not on that list of people who he'd think to tell and I'm guessing its the same for her since she's never called to chat about anything with him (we have periods where we chat, but we aren't in one of those right now). We live in the same town but are paths don't cross. When they divorced, it was really ugly for their parents and some cousins and siblings were invovled, too, so I think that both extended families are seriously done with each other! At one point, they obviously had common interests and friends, but not now. Its been a long time! I'm also the type to send family photos to college exes, but dh isn't at all.
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#131 of 148 Old 05-26-2008, 06:03 PM
 
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I agree with Aricha, you need two people who are in a similar emotional place to make a friendship work. You probably don't want to update the person who threw you under the bus in court on how your Aunt Marge is doing.

When they split up I guess DH's ex suggested they get neighboring townhomes so that they could stay friends and raise DSS together. His attitude about that was if she didn't want to work on the marriage, then why would he want her just dropping by or calling to chat about whatever.

And I think it also depends on whether they were ever friends in the first place. Not all people who enter into a marriage together are.
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#132 of 148 Old 05-26-2008, 07:10 PM
 
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When they split up I guess DH's ex suggested they get neighboring townhomes so that they could stay friends and raise DSS together. His attitude about that was if she didn't want to work on the marriage, then why would he want her just dropping by or calling to chat about whatever.
Well...I mean it's hard in the moment, and maybe hard for a good long while afterwards, esp if you're the one who wanted to save the marriage. But shoot, I was married to a certified loony who was the filer, and even so I'll take what I can get if it's good for dd. See under "loony ex-husband who made her life a nightmare for years and still kinda makes her skin crawl is at her house daily to drop off or pick up dd, who loves her daddy."

I've seen a few couples around here make that "living nearby" arrangement work, btw. I'd worry about our physical safety if xh lived next door -- that makes things just a little too easy -- but I think it'd be great if there were affordable housing a few blocks away. I'd love for dd to be able to just walk over whenever he was around and she wanted to see him. As it is, for the next...well, very long time, dd is going to have to rely on other people to drive her if she wants to see her dad.

I'd be fine with living within a block or so of my last ex. There were a few months after the breakup when I really didn't want to see him, but he's basically a good guy. Just not what you'd call husband material. He'd say the same.
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#133 of 148 Old 05-27-2008, 10:41 AM
 
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The length of the relationship is an issue because it's unlikely anyone else, including the judge, sees a 6-month relationship as a settled situation yet. My jug of laundry softener is older than that. Come back in a couple of years and the story will likely be different.
I'm actually at a loss for words as how to respond to this with having any kind of tact about it. I'm not some dumb child, and I know that time changes everything, but how dare you compare me to laundry detergent and make my relationship seem the most trivial peice of garbage.

We may have only been together this time for almost 9 months... but we dated seriously, lived together and were engaged for three years before... it's not like we are perfect strangers that just rushed into something. I'm sorry I'm not as old or wise as you... but please stop insulting my level of intelligence.


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Well, unfortunately, a gf or new wife frequently is the prompter, and the judges know it. Which is why unless it's a solid, stable situation -- they've been married years, the guy's been looking for shared custody all along and being an involved NCP, etc. -- judges are often reluctant to take the guy's interest as being serious. If it isn't, and the woman vanishes, the guy's interest in the kid often does too. And that kind of pattern is not viewed as good for the kids. Again, not saying that's the case in relationships here, but that it's a very common pattern that the judges see repeatedly.

Nobody's saying it's in the best interest of the child to spend less time with the father. What the courts generally say is that it's in the best interest of the child to have a stable custodial situation. Which means that if you've got a decree, the child is doing well in that custodial arrangement, and there's no sign that anyones being harmful to the child, the judges are usually disinclined to mess with it. I would imagine that is partly to discourage parents for filing for custody changes at the drop of a hat. The divorce courts are clogged as it is, and chronic custody wrangling is good for no one.

Bottom line: If you're serious about custody, the time to go for it is during the divorce, and then -- whether or not you're the CP -- you should plan on not moving for a decade or more. Assume that any move away on your part will result in loss of custody, not gain, unless the other parent is completely out of the picture.
FYI: DP did originally try to go for either full or 50/50 custody. However, as he was working on getting back on his feet, he has had to live with his Mother, which the courts LOVE the double standard and will not grant the Father custody when they don't have their own place... the Mother living with her parents is a totally different story though.

My DP has been more involved with his daughter than his ex since day 1. So this isn't some whim what he has just decided just because of me. It would likely be more stable and better for DSD to be with us more. Her Mom just pushes her off on her mother to watch her, or her brother... she didn't even attend her preschool graduation last week.

So before you jump on me some more, or compare me to fabric softner again... get your facts straight and stop being so demeaning. Thanks.

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#134 of 148 Old 05-27-2008, 12:36 PM
 
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#135 of 148 Old 05-27-2008, 03:56 PM
 
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Ok, is anyone else getting the giggles with all this 'laundry soap-opera' business?

Oh, Aricha . . . what has happened to your thread? Apologies . . .
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#136 of 148 Old 05-27-2008, 07:34 PM
 
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I don't think the one who got the original comment did very much giggling. In fact it was hurtful.
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#137 of 148 Old 05-27-2008, 07:47 PM
 
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OK, I see a new acronym is in order. It's PRMC.

Please read more carefully.

JSMa, I didn't compare either you or your relationship to a jug of fabric softener. I compared the length of your relationship to the age of the jug. In other words, in the scheme of things, your relationship -- or what you'd described of it -- was very new. So new that a judge would not necessarily take it seriously as a steady thing in a custody hearing. A 3-year steady relationship is something else again.

Also, no one said that your guy in particular was uninvolved before. I said that the judges know that very often, the guy is uninvolved until a new wife or gf pushes him to be involved.

As for stability, again, the courts tend to look at how the child is doing today. If the child is doing well in the current situation, they're unlikely to mess with it unless they're activists. I am not saying that this is fair to parents or sensible across the board, but that this is the name of the game. And in legal affairs, you just cannot go in trying to play by the rules that you think ought to be -- not if you want to win. There is plenty I did to secure custody that I thought was absolutely stupid and temporarily against the interests of my child. However, it is not my game, they are not my rules, and I didn't want my daughter to grow up trying to take care of a mentally ill man in isolation half the time. I followed the lawyer's advice and it worked.

In other words: Don't shoot the messenger. If you want to change the system, go to the statehouse and expect the fight to consume your life.

angilyn, I've explained how hearing about my parents' and grandmother's experiences with divorce and mental illness helped me. So although I respect your beliefs, there, my experience says otherwise.

As for the second divorced father I was involved with, I lived with him and paid his child support, which is something I won't do again for a man. But no, I had no involvement otherwise with the child. The mother certainly didn't want it, she seemed more than capable, and I saw no reason to insert myself in the situation. I respect your commitment to your dss, btw, and would hope that anyone my xh wound up with would be as responsible, if she chose to be involved with dd. For me, though, that's not a type of commitment I would want to make.
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#138 of 148 Old 05-27-2008, 09:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh, Aricha . . . what has happened to your thread? Apologies . . .
It's funny, around page 6 or so, someone made a comment to the "original poster" and it took me a moment to remember that was me... I had to think to remember what in the world had started all this.

Sometimes they just take on a life of their own... apparently I have a knack for starting threads that spin wildly away from the original topic...

And with that, maybe I'll go start a new thread... let's see where this one takes us

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#139 of 148 Old 05-28-2008, 08:56 AM
 
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OK, I see a new acronym is in order. It's PRMC.

Please read more carefully.

JSMa, I didn't compare either you or your relationship to a jug of fabric softener. I compared the length of your relationship to the age of the jug. In other words, in the scheme of things, your relationship -- or what you'd described of it -- was very new. So new that a judge would not necessarily take it seriously as a steady thing in a custody hearing. A 3-year steady relationship is something else again.

Yeah... I did read that pretty carefully and I still find you comparing my relationship length (it's still MY relationship) to ANYTHING pretty disrespectful.

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#140 of 148 Old 05-28-2008, 09:55 AM
 
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#141 of 148 Old 05-28-2008, 12:18 PM
 
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OK, I see a new acronym is in order. It's PRMC.

Please read more carefully.

JSMa, I didn't compare either you or your relationship to a jug of fabric softener. I compared the length of your relationship to the age of the jug. In other words, in the scheme of things, your relationship -- or what you'd described of it -- was very new. So new that a judge would not necessarily take it seriously as a steady thing in a custody hearing. A 3-year steady relationship is something else again.
To be clear (from my recollection), you insinuated that your jug of fabric softener was more significant than the relationship due to its relative age (being that it is older, not as old).

You've got to be able to see how that could be a little insulting...
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#142 of 148 Old 05-28-2008, 12:59 PM
 
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To be clear (from my recollection), you insinuated that your jug of fabric softener was more significant than the relationship due to its relative age (being that it is older, not as old).

You've got to be able to see how that could be a little insulting...
I also found it insulting.

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#143 of 148 Old 05-28-2008, 08:28 PM
 
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The length of the relationship is an issue because it's unlikely anyone else, including the judge, sees a 6-month relationship as a settled situation yet. My jug of laundry softener is older than that. Come back in a couple of years and the story will likely be different.
Hear ye, one and all! Let us put a rest to the 'Great Fabric Softener Dis'!
I make my living on textual analysis and will tell you that 'fabric softener' in itself is not significant. When I tell my students that I have undergarments older than they are, I am actually making a comment about my thriftiness, the wonder of my washer's gentle cycle, and last but not least, their relative youth (underline). My 'undergarments' are neither here nor there, so to speak.
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#144 of 148 Old 05-28-2008, 08:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
OK, I see a new acronym is in order. It's PRMC.

Please read more carefully.

JSMa, I didn't compare either you or your relationship to a jug of fabric softener. I compared the length of your relationship to the age of the jug. In other words, in the scheme of things, your relationship -- or what you'd described of it -- was very new. So new that a judge would not necessarily take it seriously as a steady thing in a custody hearing. A 3-year steady relationship is something else again.

Also, no one said that your guy in particular was uninvolved before. I said that the judges know that very often, the guy is uninvolved until a new wife or gf pushes him to be involved.

As for stability, again, the courts tend to look at how the child is doing today. If the child is doing well in the current situation, they're unlikely to mess with it unless they're activists. I am not saying that this is fair to parents or sensible across the board, but that this is the name of the game. And in legal affairs, you just cannot go in trying to play by the rules that you think ought to be -- not if you want to win. There is plenty I did to secure custody that I thought was absolutely stupid and temporarily against the interests of my child. However, it is not my game, they are not my rules, and I didn't want my daughter to grow up trying to take care of a mentally ill man in isolation half the time. I followed the lawyer's advice and it worked.

In other words: Don't shoot the messenger. If you want to change the system, go to the statehouse and expect the fight to consume your life.

angilyn, I've explained how hearing about my parents' and grandmother's experiences with divorce and mental illness helped me. So although I respect your beliefs, there, my experience says otherwise.

As for the second divorced father I was involved with, I lived with him and paid his child support, which is something I won't do again for a man. But no, I had no involvement otherwise with the child. The mother certainly didn't want it, she seemed more than capable, and I saw no reason to insert myself in the situation. I respect your commitment to your dss, btw, and would hope that anyone my xh wound up with would be as responsible, if she chose to be involved with dd. For me, though, that's not a type of commitment I would want to make.
I don't really find your generalizations about "the courts" to be true. In my experience, judges are people with their own way of doing things and each is a individual. One judge usually sides with "50/50," while another tends to not want to change the child's life. Some go with what has been working, others think getting the parents closer to 50/50 is the goal. For most of these issues, there isn't a law that tells them what to do, it is open to the judge's interpretation. After dealing with dh's custody case, I thought I understood the system, too. I've been very surprised on this board to see how much the system varies state-to-state and even between different counties.
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#145 of 148 Old 05-29-2008, 11:55 AM
 
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#146 of 148 Old 05-29-2008, 12:31 PM
 
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I'm not sure why you are having an issue with people not liking the original comment. To be honest, as a teacher myself, I have a problem with students being compared to undergarments. Both comparisons seem inappropriate to me and your analogy would get me to my superior's office in a minute and a flag on my record.

I think what would be helpful to everyone on this thread, is the realization that the comment was hurtful to some. It is ok that you don't think it is hurtful but others do and therein lies the problem with the original.

I try to operate on the "First, do no harm" level. It serves me well.
Oh Jiminy Cricket, I don't really compare my college-age students to my bloomers. I was simply trying to use humor to diffuse the tension. It was feeling a little 'torch and pitchfork' around here.
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#147 of 148 Old 05-29-2008, 01:13 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mama41 View Post
OK, I see a new acronym is in order. It's PRMC.

Please read more carefully.

JSMa, I didn't compare either you or your relationship to a jug of fabric softener. I compared the length of your relationship to the age of the jug. In other words, in the scheme of things, your relationship -- or what you'd described of it -- was very new. So new that a judge would not necessarily take it seriously as a steady thing in a custody hearing.

I'll weigh in as some one who thought the original remark was a snipe. I think we're splitting hairs as to whether it was the length of the relationship to the age of the jug, the brand of the fabric softener to the background of the new partner, the color of the jug to the hairstyle of the new partner, etc.

But, I will say that I think JSMa and I and some of the others who found it out of line are reading these posts from a similar filter. We are all the newer partner to some one. DH's ex could make a similar comparison to our relationship, since we have only been together 5 years and they were together for 8. Her implication would be that somehow our relationship is less valid because of that. And I would be offended.
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#148 of 148 Old 05-29-2008, 03:44 PM
 
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