Does anyone else just absolutely love their stepkids? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 22 Old 06-10-2008, 10:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just thought I'd ask. I met a man about a year ago, he has two sons, their mother is not in their life at all. I have three children also. Although there have been a lot of transitions, especially in the first six months, I just feel so connected with him and his boys. I love them like I love my own kids. I mean, they aren't my kids, but I love them. It's hard to explain.

I'm just wondering. Has anyone blended two families and had it be an overall positive experience for everyone?
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#2 of 22 Old 06-10-2008, 10:52 PM
 
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I would not say our experience was great, but not becuase of DSS but his mother. Things are much better now but I, DH, and DSS have always considered DSS to me my kid and now that things are better with his mom she also acts as if she considers me one of his parents. I love DSS an much as I do DS and consider him as much mine as I do DS. Certainly the experience is different because we have DS all the time and DSS only three days a week but the feelings for DSS are still there.

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Mom-type to DSS 10/12/03, Mom to DS 10/05/06 and DD 11/03/08.
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#3 of 22 Old 06-11-2008, 01:47 AM
 
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I love my stepdaughter, but it's not always an easy relationship. She is hungry to be loved and responds well to the novelty of being treated like a person, but issues from her "other" family crop up regularly.
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#4 of 22 Old 06-11-2008, 10:06 AM
 
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I have 2 kids and DH has two kids. DD and DD are with us every other week and DSD and DSS are with us 5 nights a week, every week. It's definitely challenging trying to foster a cohesive family unit under such non-traditional circumstances, but it's absolutely worth it. Both DSD and DSS have deal with abandonment issues (due to their mother's inconsistencies), and sometimes that manifests itself as extraordinarily difficult behavior (esp. anger stuff), but they are sweet, brilliant, hilarious and gorgeous and I love them dearly.

+ = (4/97) & (1/99) & (8/99) & (2/01), with , the prettiest pup this side of the Mississippi.
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#5 of 22 Old 06-11-2008, 10:50 AM
 
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I really do love my DSD. I have been in her life since she was 2.5yo, and we have built quite the bond. That is not to say it has been an easy road. She was diagnosed with early-onset bipolar disorder after a misdiagnosis of ADHD for 2yrs that really crippled her emotionally during that time. We have come out of that, and she is thriving.

I have fought for her best interest in so many ways when my DH and her mom couldn't. She will NEVER know just how hard I have done that which is fine. I don't it for the credit. I do it because of how much I love her. She didn't ask to grow up in the situation she is in, but I will be sure it is the best it can be for her.

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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#6 of 22 Old 06-11-2008, 11:01 AM
 
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Originally Posted by myra_mcgray View Post
I would not say our experience was great, but not becuase of DSS but his mother. Things are much better now but I, DH, and DSS have always considered DSS to me my kid and now that things are better with his mom she also acts as if she considers me one of his parents.
I think a lot of what keeps some SM's from being able to love a SC like their own has more to do with the mother than the child. If there is tension with the mother, you can spend a lot of energy mentally separating the innocent child from the mother's behaviors.

Also I know in my own situation DSS's mom has a strong sense of territoriality. She's not an "it takes a village" thinker. I love my DSS, but it's hard not to always be conscious of what could be construed as overstepping a boundary with his mom. Sometimes I fee like I am DSS's maid/cook/chauffeur/babysitter, but certainly never his parent/parental figure. DH & I have only been together for 5 years, so I am hoping with time it can improve.

You're very lucky that you have been able to create such a tight family bond with your SK. In the long run, it benefits all parties involved.
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#7 of 22 Old 06-11-2008, 11:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by 3_opihi View Post
I just thought I'd ask. I met a man about a year ago, he has two sons, their mother is not in their life at all. I have three children also. Although there have been a lot of transitions, especially in the first six months, I just feel so connected with him and his boys. I love them like I love my own kids. I mean, they aren't my kids, but I love them. It's hard to explain.

I'm just wondering. Has anyone blended two families and had it be an overall positive experience for everyone?

From what you've said, I'd say they ARE your own kids. I think it's entirely possible.

Mr Toona always says to me that it's not blood that makes your family, it's love. At first I kind of yeah-yeah'd him in my head, but life's shown me otherwise, he's right on that one. Of course this is from a guy who's still on good enough terms with his exFIL to call him Dad.

And to answer your question about absolutely loving your stepkids, Yes. They can make life crazy (but all kids can from time to time), and their mothers can throw a wrench in things sometimes, but yes I love the DSC.

I think our multi-family blending has certainly positive aspects. I can't say positive for everyone because two of the other moms are just... well... they make it really really difficult. But I think our (DP and I) not playing into their games sure gives a positive approach to the kids.

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#8 of 22 Old 06-11-2008, 05:29 PM
 
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I think a lot of what keeps some SM's from being able to love a SC like their own has more to do with the mother than the child. If there is tension with the mother, you can spend a lot of energy mentally separating the innocent child from the mother's behaviors.

Also I know in my own situation DSS's mom has a strong sense of territoriality. She's not an "it takes a village" thinker. I love my DSS, but it's hard not to always be conscious of what could be construed as overstepping a boundary with his mom. Sometimes I fee like I am DSS's maid/cook/chauffeur/babysitter, but certainly never his parent/parental figure. DH & I have only been together for 5 years, so I am hoping with time it can improve.

You're very lucky that you have been able to create such a tight family bond with your SK. In the long run, it benefits all parties involved.
ITA

There are things that DSD will do that irk me to no end, and I really tried to understand why it did. I realized that it is some of the same things her mother does that I can't stand. She has picked up some terrible habits from what is modeled for her. Realizing that, I have learned to forgive DSD much easier, and I understand that she just needs more loving guidence in those areas.

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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#9 of 22 Old 06-12-2008, 02:11 PM
 
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You mamas are good people. I can't say I absolutely love 'my' step children . . . Could be that they were older when I came in the picture ( 8 & 12 ) Blending our families has been such a challenge.
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#10 of 22 Old 06-12-2008, 02:28 PM
 
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I can say I truly love my step kids.

I was full time to them until their father died in March. I have legal vistation and get along with their mom- thank goodness! Without them, I don't know how I would have made it through the month of March. Their smiles warm my heart- I don't have my own children yet, but wherever I go in life, these two will always be my firsts!

Christa- SO to a wonderful man, Bonus Momma to two great kids, and expecting a new babe in May 2012!

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#11 of 22 Old 06-12-2008, 03:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by mild_adventurer View Post
I have 2 kids and DH has two kids. DD and DD are with us every other week and DSD and DSS are with us 5 nights a week, every week. It's definitely challenging trying to foster a cohesive family unit under such non-traditional circumstances, but it's absolutely worth it. Both DSD and DSS have deal with abandonment issues (due to their mother's inconsistencies), and sometimes that manifests itself as extraordinarily difficult behavior (esp. anger stuff), but they are sweet, brilliant, hilarious and gorgeous and I love them dearly.
Our situation is similar. Although my partner's children are with him full time as their mother is not involved at all. We definitely have some challenging behavior also, due to trauma and abandonment issues. However, I feel such compassion for them, and their mom too, even though she's not around - it always amazes me that children can go through so much, and still smile and shine and play and be mostly happy. I have learned so much from them, and I treasure our new family. My children love them too. It's not always easy though.
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#12 of 22 Old 06-12-2008, 07:16 PM
 
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You mamas are good people. I can't say I absolutely love 'my' step children . . . Could be that they were older when I came in the picture ( 8 & 12 ) Blending our families has been such a challenge.

Ditto. Exception: my stepkids were younger (3 and 5). It has been a real challenge for me. There was so much drama and tension from the start. Now that I have my own child, its even harder.
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#13 of 22 Old 06-16-2008, 08:41 AM
 
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My boy isn't officially my stepson yet, but I claim him as one already, and he claims me, so I'm going to chime in if you don't mind. (I've been reading here since my sweetheart and I started getting serious - soaking up ideas and information!)

His dad and I have been together for just over a year and are making plans to blend our families within the next year. Together we have his sixteen year old son, my fourteen year old daughter, my ten year old son, and my five year old daughter. We feel so blessed!

His son is just the most wonderful young man I've ever met and I love him dearly. The hardest part for me is drawing the line, because I am a mothering type and want to mother him but I have to be careful not to smother him. He has a mother and I would never ever want to negate that relationship, I just want us to continue the wonderful relationship we have.

He is kind and sweet, he loves his dad more than anything in the world and he truly appreciates the relationship his dad and I have. He is fantastic with my younger two kids - he *has* to get sick of them climbing all over him and wanting his attention. He and my oldest daughter were friends before his dad and I started dating and that bond has just grown to a place where she turns to him often. A couple of weeks ago he wrote me a letter telling me how happy he is that his dad and I found each other, and how he looks forward to toasting at our wedding. He's smart, he's polite, he's just an all around wonderful young man and I am soooo glad he's part of my life now!
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#14 of 22 Old 06-16-2008, 03:56 PM
 
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I've known my stepdaughter since she was a yaer old and have been in the Stepmother role since she was three. She's seven now. I honestly don't see too much of a difference in my love for her as oppposed to my love for my own son, only at times it's more frustrating with her because her Mother tries to sabatoge our relationship. If I had met my stepdaughter when she was older, I would like to say it would be the same, but in reality, it would be quite possible that our whole family dynamics would be different.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#15 of 22 Old 06-18-2008, 05:26 PM
 
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I was wondering the opposite. I have two children and currently dating someone. I am scared that he will not be able to really love my children like you do. How do I know what do i look for?
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#16 of 22 Old 06-19-2008, 04:32 PM
 
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I had 2 boys ages 7-3 he had a daughter 3 Its been 11 years. I have always adored my step daughter we had a rough patch last year mostly triggered by her desire to live here and her Moms intense negative reaction.

The hardest part of being a step parent is feeling powerless.
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#17 of 22 Old 06-19-2008, 05:17 PM
 
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I always have a special spot in my heart for my two DSS. I take over as their mother when they are here with us. Although their mother and her boyfriend and my DSS's issue make it really hard. I care for them so much and I really do love them because I show them how much I care despite them fighting me every step of the way.
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#18 of 22 Old 06-21-2008, 09:34 AM
 
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I was wondering the opposite. I have two children and currently dating someone. I am scared that he will not be able to really love my children like you do. How do I know what do i look for?

Look for respect, look for being treated with affection. I love my DSD dearly, but I can't imagine the expectation for my feeling of love to just "be there".

I don't think you can expect a man to fall in love with your kids right away, but you can certainly look for signs of how he treats them, whether or not he realizes he is joining a family with certain dynamics, and to see whether or not he respects your kids and the relationships you have developed. Does he argue with them? Does he allow you to parent them without overstepping his boundaries? Does he give them space when they want it? (by the way, all of this took me years to master). Easiest way to find out is to talk with him about your kids. How does he see himself with them?

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#19 of 22 Old 06-23-2008, 05:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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One important thing to remember also, is that he's never gonna love your kids like you love them. Or if he does, it's something thats gonna take time to happen - they both have to have their own memories and bonds to create together and it doesn't happen overnight. I think that was hard for me at first. I just wanted us all to be a happy family, where everyone was treated equally. But it wasn't like that. It took about a year to get there, where everyone was comfortable, where we thought of the kids as "ours" without having to think about it.

And truth be told, I still hold a special place in my heart for my own kids, as does he. And that's ok. They're our kids. I think the important thing is that we do love the other kids, in our own way, we want to be a family, we listen, and we try to make it work the best we can.
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#20 of 22 Old 06-25-2008, 09:19 PM
 
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I do love my stepsons. But they drive me insane (especially in the summer, when they're home all day). Then again, I'm sure my own daughter will drive me crazy, too - she does, even at just 20 months.
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#21 of 22 Old 06-27-2008, 07:29 PM
 
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Look for respect, look for being treated with affection. I love my DSD dearly, but I can't imagine the expectation for my feeling of love to just "be there".

I don't think you can expect a man to fall in love with your kids right away, but you can certainly look for signs of how he treats them, whether or not he realizes he is joining a family with certain dynamics, and to see whether or not he respects your kids and the relationships you have developed. Does he argue with them? Does he allow you to parent them without overstepping his boundaries? Does he give them space when they want it? (by the way, all of this took me years to master). Easiest way to find out is to talk with him about your kids. How does he see himself with them?
just popping in I have been with SO for about a year and he took to my daughter right away (he loves kids) and as repeatedly told me before that he dont see cadence as NOT his child although he knows biologically shes not he feels as though shes his kid. We agree on so many aspects of parenting. He dont take over control of my child. But he is great with her and I do allow him to help me make decisions for her because he is such an impact on her life. I dont think things will change too much when we have children because he wants cadence to be a part of everything when we have a baby. Just dont push it if its meant to happen (love for your child like his own) it will. ... sorry just rambling I just love the relationship my daughter has with SO :

My name is Lindsay I am a full time wife to Nick 10-21-08 and full time mommy to Cadence, Irie and Isis

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#22 of 22 Old 06-30-2008, 06:26 AM
 
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I love mine but they have been with us since babies.
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