Originally Posted by mtiger
And yeah, I'd be pretty ticked if stepMom decided to swap things out. QUOTE]
Again, I want out that this problem was between dp and dsd's mom-I in no way contacted her about it, and according to her, my dp is responsible for swapping things, not me.
OK. In that case, he can do three things:
1. Get on the phone with his ex and explain that the school doesn't allow it (was she at the orientation? If not, was this info in a sheet sent home to her?); would she mind if he swapped out the candy.
2. If she objects, leave it in, call the office, and apologise; also send whatever treat he thinks appropriate.
3. Avoid putting dsd in the middle and making an issue of it.
This is for her birthday, right? Presumably that's the thing to focus on. Not on what her other parent did wrong for her birthday.
My xh takes our daughter to McDonalds and to the "pie restaurant" for choc-chip pancakes for supper; his parents cook big breakfasts with bacon and frosted rolls and all kinds of stuff I wouldn't have here. Xh's family is all overweight, some of them obese, all of them sensitive about it. Dd is on the chunky side herself.
Occasionally I will remind xh what the ped's said about her BMI percentile, and suggest appropriate portion sizes for a child her age; I'll also give nutrition info sometimes. But again, choosing battles is important. Dd and I talk about healthy nutrition, exercise, and keeping our bodies healthy, but I'm not going to talk with her about "getting too fat" or put her in the middle by telling her that her dad and grandparents make poor/inappropriate food choices.
The bottom line is that my daughter will live. She's already old enough that she tells her father no, on her own, about some foods; eventually she'll decide how she wants to take care of her body. If she grows up eating partly like an American, and she wants to change, she can. She has my example here, and even if she didn't, it's amazing what you'll find in libraries.
If her dad sent a giant hydrogenated-oils/corn-syrup cake back with her to take to her hippie daycare for her birthday, I'd say, "oh, isn't that great," and let her take it proudly to the daycare, where I'd apologize to the staff and they'd assure me it's fine and they'd deal with it. It'd be part of his showing he cared about her birthday. The daycare people know how to deal with this sort of thing (and it sounds like the teachers at your school do, too). It's not rare; it's a consequence of living in the culture we live in. I would also email her father as it got closer to another potential cake time and remind him that the daycare prefers __________ for treats.
(shrug) I think the important thing to focus on is that your dsd's mom wanted to do something for her daughter's birthday. Unless she's sending live tigers, I'd let whatever it is ride. The very same way you let it ride when your aunt gives you something ugly and environmentally unsound for Christmas.