Upset. EXDH wants to "reunited" DD her molester. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 46 Old 06-19-2008, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry, just noticed the mistake in the title and I can't edit it.

I'm so upset and don't know where to go for advice.

My DD, now 8, was sexually molested at the age of 5 by my EXDH's nephew. He was 13 at the time. EXDH and I were married at the time. We had/have always agreed until now that she or other children would never be around the nephew. It was also put into our divorce decree.

We filed charges against the nephew but they ended up being dropped with a judgment that he couldn't be around DD and that he had to complete treatment.

Now all of a sudden EXDH is pushing for our children to be around the nephew because it's caused a burden on his family. In other words his parents are pushing him to do this because they can't have "family meals" together anymore.

DD went through counseling for over a year due to this and the divorce. She started treatment again yesterday and the counselor is very much FOR reuniting them "when" my DD feels ready. Counselor stated that when DD completed treatment last year she felt that DD was ready to be "reunited" but now she's not and it's my fault. The parenting mediator that EXDH and I see is also in agreement that "reuniting" them is a normal thing to do. So now EXDH has 2 professionals on his side for when we go to court. I say when because I've already been told that he is taking legal action since I am refusing to allow this to happen.

What can I do to make sure this doesn't happen? My DD does NOT want to be around this boy.... She is scared of him. I have all the evidence in the world that he did do this to her but no one is denying it happened so that isn't going to help me much. I have nothing to "prove my case" other than DD's feeling and my own feelings that this shouldn't happen. I'm SO scared that since he has 2 professionals on his side that a Judge will allow them to be "reunited".
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#2 of 46 Old 06-19-2008, 07:22 PM
 
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I would call CPS and ask their opinion. I would bet there is some way to keep them apart legally since it was part of a legal settlement.



-Angela
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#3 of 46 Old 06-19-2008, 07:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by alegna View Post
I would call CPS and ask their opinion. I would bet there is some way to keep them apart legally since it was part of a legal settlement.



-Angela
I will call and ask but I already know they will tell me to consult an attorney. They are not very helpful here.

As of right now they can't be together because of the 2 judgments but he's taking me to court to try and have them overturned.
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#4 of 46 Old 06-19-2008, 09:27 PM
 
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Maybe you could file for a restraining order against him or his "parents"

Did the offender pay for the cost of counselling, because maybe filing a lawsuit for those and other damages would change the environment.

I get so sick of hearing about this sort of crap.

I had to be around my child-molester, after he was not allowed to be alone with me. It was no fun. NO FUN and STRESSFUL AND TRAUMATIC
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#5 of 46 Old 06-19-2008, 09:36 PM
 
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WTF?? The counselor is for reuniting them?

Is this the same counselor or a new one? If this is a new counselor, I'd dump her and find somebody else.

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#6 of 46 Old 06-19-2008, 09:48 PM
 
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I have no experience in this at all to help you with, but I wanted to say that you are absolutely in the right. I would break custody agreements and leave the country if I had to to keep an abuser away from my kids. However, I guess if you do that, you lose some standing legally. I would have to disagree with the councillor, and say not a chance. Even if your daughter says she is ready, she is young. I would tell her that it is very good and healthy (for her psychologically) to have forgiven the cousin, if she has actually done so, but that it is still physically safer to keep away from him for now. I know you don't want to instill fear, but in some cases, it is reasonable to be afraid. My prayers are with you and your family.
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#7 of 46 Old 06-19-2008, 11:37 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you and your sweet daughter are in this situation. Can you afford a lawyer? I don't know of any recourse for you, but please do what you can!

Can you get a restraining order against the boy? I don't know if he's too young or not, but it might be worth a try.

This stuff is infuriating!!

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#8 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 12:30 AM
 
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What on earth are these people thinking???!?!?!?!? What good could possibly come of this? A victim should never be forced to hang out with their molestor at family gatherings. Sick, sick, sick. Your poor dd.

Get a new "expert." I cannot believe your ex is willing to take you to court to be able to torture his daughter. What a UA violation.

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#9 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 12:37 AM
 
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Hire a big gun. Find a local evaluating psychologist who does forensic work and court appearances all the time. This person will have reports thst outshine the others and they will testify with greater authority as well. you might also see ifn your lawyer could mandate a sexual offender test for the nephew before going forward.

Good luck!

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#10 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 01:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for all the advice!!

I do have an attorney and have a meeting with her set up already. He has not filed anything legally yet but it's coming any minute. I have everything prepare for my attorney that I could get without subpoena's.

I'm working on finding someone professional that is on our side.
Both the "professionals" on his side that are agreeing with the "reuniting" them are only L.C.S.W. but one is HIGHLY recommended within our courts. We were court mandated to use her services as a parenting mediator. So I have to find someone higher than her.
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#11 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 02:06 AM
 
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I couldn't read and not post.... I'm sorry for you and your DD.

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#12 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 03:21 AM
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What are the reasons being given by the professionals that cause them to think it is a good idea to reunite your daughter with her molester?

Why is this reunion being presented as the reasonable outcome for this abuse situation? What are the arguments in favor of the reunion?

It sounds to me like the counselor your daughter is currently seeing is the same counselor from her previous bout of therapy. If that is right, then I would suggest you seek a second opinion from another counselor. I agree with the previous posters who suggested a local expert with experience testifying in court on behalf of children.

Also, be careful talking to your daughter too much about how she feels about being reunited with this boy. Sadly, your daughter's feelings will be taken less seriously if your EXDH's attorney's try to imply that you coached her to say she didn't want to see the kid.

I'm sorry you're going through this. My oldest daughter (11 yo) was molested (in a single incident--so, would that be assaulted?) when she was 7 by one of her father's best friends. She didn't tell me about the incident for 2 years. When I told her father about it, he agreed that he would handle the situation with the friend and cut him out of their lives and that DD1 would never have to be near him again.

Two weeks later, when DD1 went up to her dad's house for her weekend visitation, she called me from her upstairs bedroom to tell me that the "friend" was there at her dad's house, like nothing was ever said to her dad. I got in my car and immediately drove the two hours to pick her up--a day early. She didn't go back for visitation until her dad moved to another state and said "friend" was no longer around.

Sorry to carry on...Just wanted to give you some support.
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#13 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 03:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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What are the reasons being given by the professionals that cause them to think it is a good idea to reunite your daughter with her molester?

Because he is family and he will never go away. Because this is putting a burden on EXDH's family. Because the family has to chose which kid goes to each family event..ie, funerals, birthday party's, holiday meals and gatherings.
Because DD should find it in her heart to "forgive" to live a healthy life.
Yea, that's all the cr@p I was told.



Why is this reunion being presented as the reasonable outcome for this abuse situation? What are the arguments in favor of the reunion?

Because of the burden put on EXDH's family because the offender is a family member.


It sounds to me like the counselor your daughter is currently seeing is the same counselor from her previous bout of therapy. If that is right, then I would suggest you seek a second opinion from another counselor. I agree with the previous posters who suggested a local expert with experience testifying in court on behalf of children.


She is. I will have to go through hoops and barrels to get DD into another counselor b/c he has to approve it first but she will be going some where else.


Also, be careful talking to your daughter too much about how she feels about being reunited with this boy. Sadly, your daughter's feelings will be taken less seriously if your EXDH's attorney's try to imply that you coached her to say she didn't want to see the kid.

I am very careful because of that. I NEVER bring it up, it's always her. She is scared of him because he told her at the time it happened that he would beat her in the head if she ever told anyone. She was 5 and he was 13. It's EXDH's family that brings it up non stop because they do not and never did believe it ever happened, even though he admits to some parts of it. They (EX-Inlaws) hired his attorney and had nothing to do with my DD until after our divorce when EXDH ran home to mama and daddy for money.


I'm sorry you're going through this. My oldest daughter (11 yo) was molested (in a single incident--so, would that be assaulted?) when she was 7 by one of her father's best friends. She didn't tell me about the incident for 2 years. When I told her father about it, he agreed that he would handle the situation with the friend and cut him out of their lives and that DD1 would never have to be near him again.

Two weeks later, when DD1 went up to her dad's house for her weekend visitation, she called me from her upstairs bedroom to tell me that the "friend" was there at her dad's house, like nothing was ever said to her dad. I got in my car and immediately drove the two hours to pick her up--a day early. She didn't go back for visitation until her dad moved to another state and said "friend" was no longer around.

Sorry to carry on...Just wanted to give you some support.


I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing and I appericaite the support! I know how bad it hurts.
I don't mind talking about it and it actually helps me to get it all out but I can't handle the comments of "I would kill him" and things like that. People have no idea what they would do until (GOD FORBID) it happens to them and what good would it do for my children to come visit me in prison.
I would love nothing more than for him to fall of the face of the earth right along with my EXDH, who I feel/know is doing this because of his parents.
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#14 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 10:53 AM
 
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Oh my, I read felt like I needed to post. Your poor daughter and to you EXDH and his family I have to say what Sh*tholes. Why is it important that your DD goes to any of their family events if they wanted nothing to do with her after she reported her abuse they do not deserve her now. If they want to make her hang out with the person who abused and threatened her they should not get to see her. Shame on those counselors.

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#15 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 12:35 PM
 
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It really chaps my hide that your ExH's family is being presented as the "victim" here. Did they ever consider the "burden" your dd must have to deal with?

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#16 of 46 Old 06-20-2008, 01:56 PM
 
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Your Ex's family must not love your daughter to expect her to hang out with a person who molested her. For that matter, what kind of person must your Ex be to push for this?

How absolutely sickening.
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#17 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 01:21 AM
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Holy crap. I am so sorry for your dd, this is so awful. I hope you are able to work this out in her favour.

All that said, I'm disgusted by your ex's family. I mean...the offender in this case was a 13 yo boy, yes? There is something seriously wrong with a family structure here...and you say that the family members don't believe it all happened? Makes me wonder what else they don't "believe" happened.
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#18 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 01:32 AM
 
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Have you tried to contact the local Family Violence Shelter. Most handle Sexual Assault as well (or they could give you a refferal), and can help you with locating attorneys and counselors. Many have advocates that can help explain the legal process to you and go with you to court.

I would also think that you could request an attorney-ad-litum (sp???) for your daughter. It's an atty specifically for your daughter who fights for your daughter's best interest and has nothing to do with you or DH. (these atty are usually respected higher than those of a particular parent b/c they are seen as "unbiased").

I'm a little confused as to why if there is a judgement against the offender not to be around DD and if it is specifically in your divorce decree that this is even up for discussion?

I pray the system works in your DD's best interest!
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#19 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 06:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks so much for the support! You really don't know how much it means to me. These "people" aka the "professionals" have made me feel like I'm insane for not wanting this to happen. I've have been physically ill over this.


Quote:
Why is it important that your DD goes to any of their family events if they wanted nothing to do with her after she reported her abuse they do not deserve her now. If they want to make her hang out with the person who abused and threatened her they should not get to see her.
I've felt this since day one but couldn't do anything about it. I really wish that I could tell my DD what these people have done but I can't...and never will.

Quote:
It really chaps my hide that your ExH's family is being presented as the "victim" here. Did they ever consider the "burden" your dd must have to deal with?
YES YES!! This is what I've tried to make everyone else understand and no one gets it!!


Quote:
Your Ex's family must not love your daughter to expect her to hang out with a person who molested her. For that matter, what kind of person must your Ex be to push for this?

How absolutely sickening.
But they are both their grandchildren...it's a burden on THEM....BLAH BLAH BLAH! They all make me sick!

Quote:
Holy crap. I am so sorry for your dd, this is so awful. I hope you are able to work this out in her favour.

All that said, I'm disgusted by your ex's family. I mean...the offender in this case was a 13 yo boy, yes? There is something seriously wrong with a family structure here...and you say that the family members don't believe it all happened? Makes me wonder what else they don't "believe" happened.
Oh I could write a book on the things that I saw happen in that family. I was there for over 10 years I was sickened by it daily, as was my EXDH. It was said over and over by many people that my EXDH was the only normal one out the entire group.....well I guess the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree!


Quote:
Have you tried to contact the local Family Violence Shelter. Most handle Sexual Assault as well (or they could give you a refferal), and can help you with locating attorneys and counselors. Many have advocates that can help explain the legal process to you and go with you to court.

I would also think that you could request an attorney-ad-litum (sp???) for your daughter. It's an atty specifically for your daughter who fights for your daughter's best interest and has nothing to do with you or DH. (these atty are usually respected higher than those of a particular parent b/c they are seen as "unbiased").

I'm a little confused as to why if there is a judgment against the offender not to be around DD and if it is specifically in your divorce decree that this is even up for discussion?

I pray the system works in your DD's best interest!
Thanks for the suggestion. I will try Monday to contact some places for references.

I have contacted 2 guardian-ad-litum (SP?) and I'm waiting to hear from them. Hopefully Monday.

My divorce decree states "until further order of the court." I never even noticed it until now. But he has a right to challenge the courts and is being pushed by the 2 L.C.S.W's to do so. Both are saying that "reunification" is normal/encouraged and happens often when abuse is within the family because of the burden placed on the entire family.


It just really ticks me off that my DD can't pick where she wants to spend the night (with me 95% of the time but she can't because of the custody arrangements are 50/50) but she is being encouraged to let them know when she is ready to be around this boy!

I don't feel like this is a decision an 8 yr old can or should have to make. If he was anyone else other than a family member to her she would NEVER have to be in his presence again.
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#20 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 07:04 AM
 
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I don't post much, but, as someone who was abused by a family member, this is a "HILL TO DIE ON' for me! NO WAY, NO HOW, NO NEVER would I EVER allow my dd to be with her abuser. Your dh is sick and perverted for even pushing such a disgusting idea! I can't believe dh and his people are more interested in playing "happy faaaaamily" than trying to protect your daughter. I am absolutely disgusted and horrified that your dh, and the counselors think that this is a good idea! I would leave the country, go underground, anything!, before I'd ever allow this to happen. You need a "pit bull" attorney and a different counselor ASAP! I'm physically ill reading your post and am so incredibly sorry that you and your dd are going thru this. It's like being abused all over again, except this time it's by her father.

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#21 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 11:41 AM
 
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NFW. You've got my support. Try not to panic, I think you are so clearly in the right that you will prevail.
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#22 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 12:16 PM
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We deal with the same stuff in my DH's family. A nephew violated not 1, but 2 or 3 of his cousins, as well as at least 1 of his sisters. He is still in their home, and everyone gives the victims' parents crap for not wanting him around. I'll tolerate him around my son, but I hold my son the entire time. He will never be alone with my son. I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. How awful for you and your daughter.
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#23 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 12:23 PM
 
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Her father really should be ashamed of himself. His daughter should be his number one priority, not the convenience of his family.
Her feelings and comfort are ALL that matters here.
Thank goodness she has you.

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#24 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 12:32 PM
 
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OH MY GAH. I am so sorry. The more you post, the more disgusted I am with the whole lot of them. I have zero advice, just support and encouragement to keep on fighting for her and never to stop. I'm so glad she has you to stand up for her right to be safe from seeing him. I'm just so sorry, and I'm so sad that her entire family on the other side is more concerned with convenience than keeping her heart and body safe.

And this...
Quote:
Because he is family and he will never go away. Because this is putting a burden on EXDH's family. Because the family has to chose which kid goes to each family event..ie, funerals, birthday party's, holiday meals and gatherings.
Because DD should find it in her heart to "forgive" to live a healthy life.
literally makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry.

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#25 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 12:37 PM
 
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Oh my God. I'm so sorry you and DD have to go through this. :

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#26 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 01:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BrooklynDoula View Post
Hire a big gun. Find a local evaluating psychologist who does forensic work and court appearances all the time. This person will have reports thst outshine the others and they will testify with greater authority as well. you might also see ifn your lawyer could mandate a sexual offender test for the nephew before going forward.
ITA.

And another thought: Has your lawyer given you any input on how these proceedings would go? B/c I'd imagine that your exDH would have the burden of proving not only that your daughter is ready to be reunited, but, more importantly, that the nephew no longer poses a threat.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this.
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#27 of 46 Old 06-22-2008, 04:29 PM
 
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Originally Posted by 2pinks View Post
I don't post much, but, as someone who was abused by a family member, this is a "HILL TO DIE ON' for me! NO WAY, NO HOW, NO NEVER would I EVER allow my dd to be with her abuser. Your dh is sick and perverted for even pushing such a disgusting idea! I can't believe dh and his people are more interested in playing "happy faaaaamily" than trying to protect your daughter. I am absolutely disgusted and horrified that your dh, and the counselors think that this is a good idea! I would leave the country, go underground, anything!, before I'd ever allow this to happen. You need a "pit bull" attorney and a different counselor ASAP! I'm physically ill reading your post and am so incredibly sorry that you and your dd are going thru this. It's like being abused all over again, except this time it's by her father.
I could have written this post myself and couldn't agree more. Like 2pinks said, this is "a hill to die on." I would not back down under any circumstances. There is no negotiating on this matter. Forgiveness on your daughters part (or your part) DOES NOT ALWAYS MEAN REUNION. I have gone round and round and round with my siblings about this - forgiveness does not necessitate inclusion of the perp. Period. Especially for a minor child. IT IS PATENTLY WRONG FOR YOUR EX-HUSBAND TO BE EXPECTING THIS OF YOUR DAUGHTER. (I am yelling at him, not you.)

I finally had to get restraining orders against two known perps in my family to settle this issue. It means that we have to call ahead and find out who is going to be at a family event & we miss out on some family events, but frankly, I don't care. My children's safety outweighs all other familial considerations and I am willing to spend every last dime I can scrape together to make sure this happens.

Your ex's nephew has proven he is unsafe around your daughter. Your ex's head is full of rocks if he doesn't see this. I would go back to court yesterday and get sole custody w/ supervised visitation if my ex ever pulled this crap on me (I know he wouldn't because he feels the same way I do about this issue - it's one of the few things we agree on!!!)

Courage, mama - don't back down on this. You have no idea how important it is to your daughter that you are her champion, that you fight like a bear to protect her from this known danger. I speak from experience on this (having had a mother who did the same for me). When she is old enough to make her own decisions about re-uniting with the perp, then she can. Right now, she needs you to be her champion, her protector. It isn't going to be easy for you, but your temporary discomfort will keep her from a lifetime of sadness.

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#28 of 46 Old 06-24-2008, 02:45 AM
 
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Originally Posted by sostinkinhappy View Post
Courage, mama - don't back down on this. You have no idea how important it is to your daughter that you are her champion, that you fight like a bear to protect her from this known danger. I speak from experience on this (having had a mother who did the same for me). When she is old enough to make her own decisions about re-uniting with the perp, then she can. Right now, she needs you to be her champion, her protector. It isn't going to be easy for you, but your temporary discomfort will keep her from a lifetime of sadness.
Exactly!!
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#29 of 46 Old 06-24-2008, 08:07 AM
 
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i couldn't see this and not post. I am so sorry for your poor DD, and she is only 8 so it didn't happen that long ago. I know how she feels, I was molested and forced my whole childhood to 'reunite' with my molester. SO SCARY AND HORRIBLE! how selfish can your exdh and his stupid family be?! i wish you all the best!
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#30 of 46 Old 06-24-2008, 08:58 AM
 
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I haven't read all the responses. I was abused by a family member with a similar age gap. My abuser was the victim of an adult molester which was what led him to abuse me.

I wasn't "reuinited" - we lived together in the same house all my life until i was 19, but i DID have to figure out how it all happened, what caused it, who he was and where he was with it (suicidally regretful, as it happens) and yes, forgive him.

It was the best possible thing for me to do. My forgiveness has made NO difference to the guilt he feels, but it has released ME to live a normal life and not hold onto this thing. I don't think your DD should be forced to do anything she doesn't want, but i cannot tell you how empowering it is to look into your abusers eyes and say "You did me wrong. What do you have to say?".
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