My DSS's are dirty--really, really dirty. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 44 Old 07-28-2008, 02:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'd be demanding custody of those kiddos asap! Seriously. And a psych eval for their mom! Holy Cow! Living like that isn't healthy for an adult and subjecting kids to it is really detrimental all around. If CPS has already been involved seems like it would be 'relatively easy' to get the kids, at least temporarily while she "cleans up her act".
My dad and stepmom got custody of me when I was 10, had to switch schools in the middle of the year and it was hard on everybody, but really for the best in the end and my mom was only mildly neglectful in comparison.
Good Luck!! I'll be thinking happy thoughts for all of you
Oh and if you can't get them soon please please teach them how to do basic things like laundry and how to make easy foods like fried/scrambled eggs, spaghetti, etc. The 2 older ones are definitely old enough to learn this kind of stuff and the younger one can help.
It's been talked about between DH and I. Ultimately, the decision to pursue is up to DH though--I can't make decisions like that (I can give my input however). I would LOVE LOVE LOVE having them live full with us!!! (Please remind me of that statement when they are in their teens!! LOL)
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#32 of 44 Old 07-28-2008, 03:45 PM
 
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Gosh OP.

I'm sorry to hear about this struggle with your family. I was glad to see SkiMamas post, and encourage you to consider it... It sounds like you probably already are to some degree! It sucks that XW can't get it together for her boys - for whatever reason - but I agree that hygiene issues are often the beginning of a larger problem.

Just wanted to suggest maybe getting each of the boys a "shaving kit" of sorts, one that was small enough (travel size) to take back and forth. They are a little more "manly" and would give you an opportunity to pick out necessary sundries with each boy.

Good luck.
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#33 of 44 Old 07-28-2008, 10:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SkiMama36 View Post
It's been talked about between DH and I. Ultimately, the decision to pursue is up to DH though--I can't make decisions like that (I can give my input however). I would LOVE LOVE LOVE having them live full with us!!! (Please remind me of that statement when they are in their teens!! LOL)
I think it's awesome that you would love to have them full time! I think it takes a special person to want to raise another person's kids added to your own and 3 pre-teen BOYS! Yikes! There should be a medal for that or something!

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#34 of 44 Old 07-29-2008, 07:47 AM
 
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Our 13 yr old has always been this way. We have to push him and remind him to take showers and to brush his teeth (it's our job ). These kids mother sounds very slack in that area or like she just doesn't care. If she sets an example for them then I'm sure they won't clean up while at her house.

One thing that works with our son is that we constantly remind him that he needs to be clean when around other people and think about what they are thinking of him and that someone else can smell him even when he can't. We remind him all the time. If his hair is greasy we tell him or if he has body odor we tell him. Then when he goes out to stay with someone or goes to visit someone he is in the shower automatically on his own. We don't have to remind him. So I'm glad for that much. He is very self-conscious about it when around other people. But we still have to push him to get in the shower on a daily basis when he is at home. I guess he doesn't care if he stinks around here, lol. And he gets lazy and forgets. I don't understand it but he does. When I was his age I was showering daily and hated to be dirty.

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#35 of 44 Old 07-29-2008, 10:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Our 13 yr old has always been this way. We have to push him and remind him to take showers and to brush his teeth (it's our job ). These kids mother sounds very slack in that area or like she just doesn't care. If she sets an example for them then I'm sure they won't clean up while at her house.

One thing that works with our son is that we constantly remind him that he needs to be clean when around other people and think about what they are thinking of him and that someone else can smell him even when he can't. We remind him all the time. If his hair is greasy we tell him or if he has body odor we tell him. Then when he goes out to stay with someone or goes to visit someone he is in the shower automatically on his own. We don't have to remind him. So I'm glad for that much. He is very self-conscious about it when around other people. But we still have to push him to get in the shower on a daily basis when he is at home. I guess he doesn't care if he stinks around here, lol. And he gets lazy and forgets. I don't understand it but he does. When I was his age I was showering daily and hated to be dirty.

Their mother is extremely slack in that area...she's extremely slack in many household areas as well as I've pointed out in pp. And I don't think my standards are super high either, my house is very clean however (both DH and I hate clutter and do a "10 minute tidy" every day (kids included), so yes, our house is definitely more clean than hers--she has a "it's not important to me" air as far as cleaniliess and I'm afraid that has sequed over to her kids liking that more "hands off" attitude towards hygiene.

We have been using the tactic of people can smell you even if you can't, kind of thing and that's been working with his oldest, the middle one is getting there, the youngest just does as he's told (and we are reaffirming cleanliness with him too). My son is public schooled and is much more aware of his hygiene than his step-brothers, since other kids can pick up on a stinky body quicker than anybody!!
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#36 of 44 Old 07-30-2008, 08:02 AM
 
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wait, are you saying that she is homeschooling the children? How are they doing academically?
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#37 of 44 Old 07-30-2008, 10:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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wait, are you saying that she is homeschooling the children? How are they doing academically?

Not good. I truly believe that homeschooling really works for some families, and I see good examples of those families within our community. However, this particular homeschooling/unschooling dynamic is not conducive to the kids best interest at this time.

I am going to leave it at that though, as I'm not wanting a debate on what is good homeschooling and what is not--been there and done that on this board and non-judgement support and/or constructive advice just does not happen with this subject here.

We'll be choosing our battle when the time is right.
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#38 of 44 Old 07-30-2008, 12:01 PM
 
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holy moly! I'm all for the parents right regarding homeschooling. Some families are great at it, some would be great at it, and others should never even think about it.

Oh, and before I get flames, a messy house does not equal bad homeschooler in my book. Mom with really bad issues that are not addressed equals questionable homeschooler. Non-functioning adult equals very questionable homeschooler.

Honestly, it really sounds like the boys need an advocate. Your DH SHOULD be doing this. I understand that you don't want to get stuck in the middle, and as a SM, your role can be very difficult. Seeing as how DHS is involved (are they currently ?), perhaps you can see about getting the children a CASA (court appointed, geesh, I forget the rest. Would that work? It just sounds like the boys need someone to step in and their dad is hesitant--which I understand, he is probably thinking that he doesn't want to put them in the middle and he doesn't want the mom to create problems with visitation. I totally understand, but someone needs to stand up and get the boys the (daily) help that they need.
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#39 of 44 Old 08-10-2008, 03:25 AM
 
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But don't guilt the kids--don't make them MORE responsible for their hygiene than their mother should be.
I agree. I find this situation very sad. It sounds like those boys are not being properly cared for at their bio mother's house.

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#40 of 44 Old 08-12-2008, 01:12 AM
 
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No advice, but hugs all around. My 16yo sd also has issues that simply confound me. I know that they are not "allowed" to shower daily at home due to her parents needing money for their own entertainment rather than to pay the water bill. Oh and they often run out of toilet paper, but we encourage her to bathe and we have plenty of tp...and feminine products. Please just use them.
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#41 of 44 Old 08-13-2008, 09:49 AM
 
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I just realised how late I came to the party
how are the boys doing, any progress?

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#42 of 44 Old 08-13-2008, 04:24 PM
 
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I'm glad your H is going to have a talk with their mother, I think it definitely has to come from both sides. Good luck!
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#43 of 44 Old 08-14-2008, 09:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone!
Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. As it is, both DH and I had a talk with the boys and just reiterated how their hygiene is perceived by others and that it's much more enjoyable to be in the company of someone who takes pride in their appearance and cleanliness (ie: smell) LOL

They were very receptive and were asking for ways that they could actually remind themselves to bathe/shower more regularly, and we assured them that if they stuck to a schedule of at least every other day, they would be ok. If they worked up a sweat, then they should take the initiative to jump in the shower that night. And since we go to the beach often, we always have them shower when we get home to get the sunscreen off, so sometimes this summer they were showering 2x a day.

Again, I think just pride in oneself is the key to be bringing to their attention and then letting them go from there (with the proper guidance from us).
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#44 of 44 Old 08-14-2008, 09:15 PM
 
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I'm glad you had the talk with them, hope things continue to go well!
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