non married parental rights - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 34 Old 07-20-2008, 12:52 AM
 
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Just adding my $0.02. We had a situation about a year ago where my dsd's mother was planning to move to Greece with a bank robber without my df's consent. He was in the same legal boat as you, maybe worse. In MN, the mother of a child who never married the father is automatically granted custody unless challenged.

Luckily, the bank robber thing fell through, but DF still pursued the parenting agreement. The papers are at the lawyers office now, waiting to be signed.

Their custody arrangement has been 50/50 for a while. He has always paid CS, although it is less than when he had parenting time EOW. DSD's mom chooses not to work very often, so her income was imputed.

One note - with 50/50 situations, the online calculator for our state is off. It wasn't really designed for them. DF's lawyer ran the numbers by hand and the online calculator was off by about $100.

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#32 of 34 Old 07-20-2008, 02:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I totally appreciate your 2 cents.
I was going to write about how awful that law about full custody unless challenged thing, but it's a hard call. I feel like maybe it was designed to empower mothers, and in some situations (maybe unforunately most) it is the mother who gets dumped on by irresponsible fathers. However, there are a whole lotta good dads who care about their children.
It appears that she wants to work things out because she cares too much about he father to hurt him like this (what about caring about the child as well?)
so she thinks something can probably be worked out in a trial basis. The father made it clear that he intends to get a legally binding parenting agreement. At this point he is just trying to play nice so that the mediaiton will go smoothly.
I hope those papers get signed asap and everything goes well for your family. It sounds like it will be resolved soon.
Thanks again.
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#33 of 34 Old 07-20-2008, 03:14 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by azfiresmbm View Post
Most lawyers will tell you to ask for more than what you actually want and then you can go from there ..
Yeah, I hate that so much! It turns child custody into a bargaining thing, like buying a car.


Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
In MN, the mother of a child who never married the father is automatically granted custody unless challenged.
Uggh. That makes me nuts, too. Here in NM, joint custody (legal and physical) is the default. You have to prove the other parent unfit to gain sole custody. It's outrageous to me that those aren't the laws everywhere!



To the OP, definitely play as nice as possible and get a custody agreement in place. To protect yourself, your DP needs joint legal custody (joint physical, too, but joint legal is more important), a time-sharing plan (You don't have to be religious about it, but you want it in place if the need should arise. I won't bore you with my stories, but this is essential, esp. since she has expressed a desire to move.), and a right of first refusal.

Good luck! It sounds like the crisis has passed, so now is the perfect time to put some protections in place. I'd suggest that, for now, you fade into the wallpaper. Some moms are insecure and find a SM threatening, and in those cases things often go smoother if the mom only deals directly with the child's father. That's certainly true of my SS's mother and things in our world are much calmer when I keep my contact with her completely benign. If we happen to be near each other, I might chat about the weather or local news, but nothing having to do with our family. Course, it took me maybe 3 or 4 years of blended family life to tumble to that realization, but it really has helped.

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#34 of 34 Old 07-20-2008, 11:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Fade into te wallaper...that's exactly what I am going to do. Although, it's a shame that we cannot have more of a relationship. I think she has a lot of really mixed up emotions about her own life and the father. I get the impression that she thinks we think she's a horrible parent. If there was a way we could make her feel less insecure or confident that we respect her role as mother, we would.
But for now, we will do what needs to be done to get a peaceful agreement.
And good point about the right of refusal. When I got divorced we wrote in an agreement that basically made right of first refusal null for us, and we were fine with that, I think it will go the same way this time.
Thanks for sharing. I really appreciate all the info I have gotten.
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