moving with DP away from his daughter... (long) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 09:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everybody. I don't often post in this forum but I always read your posts and value everyone's input about how to approach the often difficult situations that come up with step children...

So here is my situation. I met DP less than two years ago and things moved along really fast. We now have a wonderful eight-week old daughter together and we're totally blissed out and loving our new family. He has a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship. He was never really romantically involved with her mother-- it was an accidental pregnancy. She is a pretty sane and rational person and overall we get along great with her (DSD's mom.) DP has her every other weekend and random other times... She is extremely attached to him and loves being with both of us and her new little sister- no sibling jealosy quite yet.

So here's the problem. DP really wants to move. He has lived in NYC his whole life and he pretty much hates it and wants to live somewhere totally away from the greater NYC area. I also want to move- my family lives upstate and we both agree that it would be a better place for us and our baby. So where does that leave DSD. DP thinks he could come back to the city every couple weeks and spend the weekend with her. He also imagines that we could get her during some vacations, long weekends, etc. He feels very conflicted about leaving her because he loves spending time with her and she is very much attached to him.... As he says, he doesn't want her to feel "deleted."

So what can I do to ease this situation? I'm not pressuring him to move but he knows that I want to just as much as he does. I dont want to be the evil stepmother that takes him away from his daughter. I also do NOT want to stay living here any longer than we have to. Would the repercussions be really bad for DSD? Should I suggest that we don't move? How do kids generally do in those see-dad-on-vacations-and-holidays situations? Would he be f-ing up her life by leaving her? As it is now, he sees her 4-8 days out of the month... I guess Im hoping that other people can share their outcomes in similar situations. Thanks for reading.
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#2 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 10:10 PM
 
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I really hear you on wanting to move. I will share our experience with you. My DH works in the wine industry and is at the top of his game here in this market. In order for his career to advance, we would have to move to a bigger market. He has had numerous oppritunities to move to Napa and work for a some high end wineries which would be a dream come true for both of us.

We absolutely can not do that and leave his DD, though. Her home life with her mother is such that us moving away would be the worst thing to happen to her. In fact, we moved from the city, which we loved living in, out to the suburbs to be 5mins from her. We HATE the suburbs, but we do not regret our decision for a minute seeing how much she has benefitted from the move to be near her.

For our family, we really had to put our preferences on the back burner and look at what was mainly best for DSD then our girls. That did not mean moving across the country and having DSD on the holiday, extended summer schedule. Trust me, it really stinks at times to think what we could have, but it is worth it.

So, I would really evaluate your situation with how well visitation could work with her and how you could make it work for everyone involved. I don't think you are a bad SM for wanting to move at all. If you do, it will just test you more, but I would not say that it isn't doable. At least you will still be in the same state making visitation easier. Good luck with your decision.

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#3 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 10:39 PM
 
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Delurking to respond to this as it hits close to home for me. I'm 25, and my parents got divorced when I was 7. For a year or two he lived within 30 minutes or so and I saw him once or twice a week. The next year he moved about three hours away, and it was devastating for me. Of course, I couldn't articulate it at the time, and am really just now in the last few years beginning to process the effects of it. We have a great relationship now, but it was really rough in my late teens and early twenties. In high school and in college he wanted to have input on some big life decisions for me, and for me it was like, if you wanted to raise me, you should have been here to see me more than one weekend a month. Good and effective parenting is not done over the phone, kwim? It doesn't lend much credibility to his opinions--at least it didn't for me. He and my stepmom had two boys when I was 13 and 15, and while I adjusted really well and love them more than anything, it was really hard for my sister (5 years younger) to not feel replaced, especially given the distance. As I said, we have a great relationship now, but it was a long road here. The whole time I loved him and knew he loved me, but the little girl part of me still can't understand how he could leave us.

Only 12 more years till your DSD is off to college--can you wait that long?

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#4 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 10:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am really impressed with how selfless you have been. You say "trust me, it is worth it." Do you mean that seeing how well she is doing with you guys nearby is enough to make it worth it to not have moved? And what do you mean when you say moving would just "test you more?" Is that because seeing his daughter only on holidays/summer would be stressful for her and for our family?
I find myself faced with a very real adult situation. To be honest, (and I feel a bit vulnerable admitting this), I feel like I just became an adult recently. I'm 25 years old and I have a baby with a man whom I love but have not known long and am not married to. He is a good and honest man and a great father and partner. I have faith in the future but I also feel worried that I am being faced with a situation that will radically change the course of many lives- my own, my daughter's, his, his daughter's.... I guess I have been a functional "adult" for awhile but now that I am a mom I really see how the way you make decisions totally changes when you have kids...
Anyway thanks again for your input.
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#5 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 10:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by KayTeeJay View Post
Delurking to respond to this as it hits close to home for me. I'm 25, and my parents got divorced when I was 7. For a year or two he lived within 30 minutes or so and I saw him once or twice a week. The next year he moved about three hours away, and it was devastating for me. Of course, I couldn't articulate it at the time, and am really just now in the last few years beginning to process the effects of it. We have a great relationship now, but it was really rough in my late teens and early twenties. In high school and in college he wanted to have input on some big life decisions for me, and for me it was like, if you wanted to raise me, you should have been here to see me more than one weekend a month. Good and effective parenting is not done over the phone, kwim? It doesn't lend much credibility to his opinions--at least it didn't for me. He and my stepmom had two boys when I was 13 and 15, and while I adjusted really well and love them more than anything, it was really hard for my sister (5 years younger) to not feel replaced, especially given the distance. As I said, we have a great relationship now, but it was a long road here. The whole time I loved him and knew he loved me, but the little girl part of me still can't understand how he could leave us.

Only 12 more years till your DSD is off to college--can you wait that long?
:

As a mother who moved BACK to my hometown to make sure that my DD was near her father, I strongly encourage you to NOT move.

I absolutely understand the pain you feel in regards to where you live. I HATE living where I do, not only because of the really hot weather, but because of the ultra conservative mentality. But my daughter NEEDS to be near her father. Girls really do need their dads. Even though he and I don't get along or see eye-to-eye on many things, DD knows he loves her.

I just encourage you to think about the long-term effects this move will have on your DSD. From school to friends to self-esteem. In the end, of course, I know you will do what is best for your entire family. Good luck!
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#6 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 10:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Only 12 more years till your DSD is off to college--can you wait that long?
Wow. What a hard question. Here's the thing. I COULD wait that long. And it might not even have to be that long because DSD's mom is always thinking of leaving NYC herself and taking DSD. The problem is that I think that DP needs to leave the city to get himself sane. He is so negative and cynical about "new yorkers" and the traffic, the noise, and the general dont-give-a-shit-about-anyone attitude of new yorkers. I feel that staying here would cause him to sink into a deeper and deeper funk of negativity. I could stay here, but not if I had to deal with an increasingly unhappy and negative partner. He is very pleasant and positive about other things in life. I think he genuinely needs a change of scenery... Living outside of the city has helped, but we just spend more time in the car which makes us crazy. KWIM...? Sometimes I just wish we could take her with us.... but then again I'm not sure if I'm ready to be stepmommy to a 6 year old... I'm just getting used to being mommy to my eight-week old.
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#7 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 10:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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:

As a mother who moved BACK to my hometown to make sure that my DD was near her father, I strongly encourage you to NOT move.

I absolutely understand the pain you feel in regards to where you live. I HATE living where I do, not only because of the really hot weather, but because of the ultra conservative mentality. But my daughter NEEDS to be near her father. Girls really do need their dads. Even though he and I don't get along or see eye-to-eye on many things, DD knows he loves her.

I just encourage you to think about the long-term effects this move will have on your DSD. From school to friends to self-esteem. In the end, of course, I know you will do what is best for your entire family. Good luck!
Thanks guys. I'm responding to everybody!
This is crazy... I can't imagine HATING where I live.... What is life without, um, enjoying it? But god, you are so right about girls needing their dads. I guess I didn't think this one through before I got pregnant, and now it's a permanent situation in my life. Well, I could handle staying here. But what if my options are a)staying here with a miserable DP or b)moving and having DP be happier, but messing up his daughter's life in the process. ???
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#8 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 10:56 PM
 
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I'm very big on being close to your kids. I can't imagine moving away from DSD. DP's dream jobs are in NY and CA. He's been offered position in Italy at some point. I know he turned down those opportunities with a sigh and a smile on his face. DSD is his everything.

You know how kids are... they forget and don't tell you about some things until the last minute (especially when they are at their mom's during the week). So it might be pretty tough to accomodate the "oh, by the way dad, I have a chorus recital at school tomorrow", or the "can you take me to the book fair?", or "my mom says I have a physical tomorrow, and she can't take me". All of those things become so much harder, right down to impossible when you are 250 miles away.

Can it work? Well, I guess it can. There are webcams, and phone calls, and weekends. But it's not the same.

If your dsd doesn't resent the new baby right now, wait until you move... I'm sure that won't sit right with her and will trigger some unhappy thoughts.

I'm sorry if the post sounds judgemental, I was just sharing my thougths on the matter. This is something I feel very strongly about.


Best of luck on your decision *hugs*

P.S. None of it is a problem for us any longer, as in our situation DSD moved in with us, but for years we were the ones with the weekends.

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#9 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:01 PM
 
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Thanks guys. I'm responding to everybody!
This is crazy... I can't imagine HATING where I live.... What is life without, um, enjoying it? But god, you are so right about girls needing their dads. I guess I didn't think this one through before I got pregnant, and now it's a permanent situation in my life. Well, I could handle staying here. But what if my options are a)staying here with a miserable DP or b)moving and having DP be happier, but messing up his daughter's life in the process. ???
I think if your choices are a miserable partner in the city he dislikes, or being close to the child who needs her father, then you have to put your energy towards finding the ways for him to enjoy the life in the city / stop being cynical, instead of trying to figure out why it's okay for you guys to move.

It is NOT an easy choice. But it is the right one.

New endeavor coming soon...
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#10 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:07 PM
 
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I think if your choices are a miserable partner in the city he dislikes, or being close to the child who needs her father, then you have to put your energy towards finding the ways for him to enjoy the life in the city / stop being cynical, instead of trying to figure out why it's okay for you guys to move.

It is NOT an easy choice. But it is the right one.
Well said Oriole! I was trying to figure out how to say that without sounding rude and you did just that.

It sounds like your DP needs a mini-vacation or a new way to relieve stress, perhaps? Or maybe if he'd be willing, a talk with a therapist or counselor?

If DSD's mom did move somewhere with her, would you and your DP follow? (you totally don't have to answer that, I'm just being nosy/curious )

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#11 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I think if your choices are a miserable partner in the city he dislikes, or being close to the child who needs her father, then you have to put your energy towards finding the ways for him to enjoy the life in the city / stop being cynical, instead of trying to figure out why it's okay for you guys to move.

It is NOT an easy choice. But it is the right one.
I understand totally what you are saying... But part of me feels like why should I put energy into making him happy in a place he hates, for the sake of a child that's not mine... Shouldn't HE be the one making himself happy here if he really can't leave? If he needs to stay then I can be responsible for my own enjoyment of being here but I can't also be responsible for HIS if he already is set on hating it.
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#12 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:13 PM
 
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I am a single mom, not in a blended family, but in an eerily similar situation from a geographical standpoint. I'm sure my response is colored by my circumstances, but I couldn't not respond. I live downstate (very close to you). My X is from upstate and has suggested, and probably will, move back there. This will mean the beginning of the end of his relationship w/the kids.

When you say "upstate" - do you actually mean CNY or WesternNY, or are we talking the downstater's version of upstate - Rockland, for instance? A big difference.

But, the bottom line is, I would not do it. She's too young to travel by herself. To keep up the current level of visitation, your DH will have to travel down, pick her up, and bring her back, or stay in the city. It's just not going to happen for 4-8 days/month. He'd be spending several additional days traveling. Are you and he going to be ok w/him being away that much? & spending that much $$ traveling (yes, I know cost of living is less upstate, but in a few years, when you want or need something, and you know that X thousand dollars/year are going toward these trips, it may be a bitter pill to swallow). Finally, if we're talking CNY, keep in mind that the crap-tastic weather up there WILL prohibit travel at times, very possibly several times/year. In the 2 years during which I was willing to make winter trips to CNY, I spent Christmas in a hunting lodge after Rte 17 was closed and had to turn back another time & missed work b/c of closed roads.

I'm sorry, it sounds like a tough situation. I'd focus on finding something more tenable that is close to DSD. Depending on where in the city she is, NJ, Long Island, Northern Westchester, Fairfield County might be options. Something on a train line is a big plus - less car time.
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#13 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well said Oriole! I was trying to figure out how to say that without sounding rude and you did just that.

It sounds like your DP needs a mini-vacation or a new way to relieve stress, perhaps? Or maybe if he'd be willing, a talk with a therapist or counselor?

If DSD's mom did move somewhere with her, would you and your DP follow? (you totally don't have to answer that, I'm just being nosy/curious )
No it's okay to be nosey! I'm bearing my heart to you guys, so, why stop now.
Actually he feels like if DSD's mom moved somewhere, it would relieve him of the burden of staying, and we would happily move upstate. In other words it wouldnt be his fault that he was away from his daughter. Sad parent politics, I guess.

And yes, DP could use some counseling. But more than that, he needs to be able to buy a house with some land and breathe fresh air. I haven't had much success convincing him that a change in his frame of mind might be just as useful as a change in locale.
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#14 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:23 PM
 
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How far upstate are your parents? Is DSD in Yonkers, or in the city proper? Can you just move further upstate, along the train line between your parents and the city? I think in another city moving further away would really be moving away but with such good transportation available I know so many families who commute between two homes anyway. It can get expensive, but traveling back and forth on weekends (even every weekend) is completely doable from as far away as Albany. 4-8 days a month would be completely possible to maintain from that distance and the area around Albany is very different from the city atmosphere.
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#15 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:25 PM
 
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I am not familiar with NY state, but if a compromise on the move can be reached (i.e., not all the way up, but only a halfway up, I would strongly consider it as a lesser of two evils).

How set on moving are you guys?

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#16 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How far upstate are your parents? Is DSD in Yonkers, or in the city proper? Can you just move further upstate, along the train line between your parents and the city?
DSD is in Queens. Parents are in Ithaca. Not on train lines. 4 1/2 hour drive.
I either want to be here (all my college friends, my brother, cousins) or in Ithaca (my mom, my dad, grandparents, and many AP/natural/organic style people who I know and love.) So the outlying suburbs aren't an option for me. I need community... I feel isolated enough as it is being up here with most of my friends in Brooklyn.

Oh, gosh, this is so hard. Thanks so much everyone. I'm going to bed, can you believe my LO has been asleep two hours and I haven't been capitalizing by going to bed myself?!? If I go now I can get an hour, maybe. Thanks for your help.
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#17 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:35 PM
 
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No it's okay to be nosey! I'm bearing my heart to you guys, so, why stop now.
Actually he feels like if DSD's mom moved somewhere, it would relieve him of the burden of staying, and we would happily move upstate. In other words it wouldnt be his fault that he was away from his daughter. Sad parent politics, I guess.

And yes, DP could use some counseling. But more than that, he needs to be able to buy a house with some land and breathe fresh air. I haven't had much success convincing him that a change in his frame of mind might be just as useful as a change in locale.
That is really sad to me, because like you said, it's parent politics, and in the end it's DSD that loses the race. Too much of my life was either my parents trying to one-up each other to show how much better/smarter/more loving they were than the other, or playing the "he/she did/didn't do this so I can too/don't have to either" game. I'm not and never was really too sad about my parents divorcing--even at 7 I knew it was for the best. But you know, for better or worse, it was my mom that helped me get ready for dances, yelled at me for making out with my boyfriend in the driveway (ha!), came to all my softball games and dance performances, etc...

What I've been trying to collect my thoughts on through this whole thing is some way to eloquently say that we all make choices--your DP chose (one way or another) to have DSD. You chose to become involved with him knowing there was a DSD in the picture and then have a baby with him. I'm not saying that should doom either one of you to a life of misery or unhappiness, but this is DSD's life, and she didn't get a choice. These are the kinds of things that will shape her and affect her for years to come, as well as your DD. I don't know what the right answer for your family is, and it doesn't take Freud to see that this is very personal for me. I really wish you the best, and I'm glad you are taking DSD into consideration.

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#18 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:37 PM
 
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I have found that my opinion is not necessarily a popular one on this subject, but I will offer it as another perspective.

We had a situation of 50/50 custody on the west coast and a year ago moved 3000 miles to the east coast. My step-daughter is now with us every school holiday and my husband flies to her for long weekends once a month and longer when he can (usually a couple full weeks per school year), for a total of about 1/3 custody time.

We have two other children and it was (despite what others who aren't walking in my shoes might insist) necessary for our family. We have always left the option open to move back if it becomes what is best for our family in the future.

For us it is a LOT of work (and money) to make it okay. There are a lot of things he misses out on like the playdates and birthday parties, going to her dance class every week, etc. BUT he volunteers in her classroom every month, communicates with her classroom teacher and dance teacher frequently, schedules trips to see her around extracurriculars and filed trips, has formed friendships with classmates' parents, video-chats, sends photos, talks on the phone daily, and mails back-and-forth frequently... and for us (including her) it is working. She is here for the summer now and the adjustment period was nearly nothing. She is happy, healthy, and has a close bond with all of us, including her younger siblings. I do not think that it is ideal or what would be best if she were the only child we had to consider, but for our family as a whole (including her) it was the right decision. She has a lot of opportunities now (including quality time with her father and siblings) that she would not have had before had we stayed on the west coast.

This is not to be construed as a green light to move and hope for the best... It is absolutely not for the faint of heart, and it absolutely takes a lot of commitment, a lot of creativity, a lot of patience, a ton of effort, and some pretty serious money. But I think it can work if your partner is truly willing to make it and the two of you truly think through what it will mean for your family... I single-parent the other two a LOT while my husband travels. We don't get family time on long weekends and many minor holidays because he spends them across the country. It is really, really expensive. We have to have flexible work schedules and child care arrangements... The younger children have parents who are married but still feel the stress of a "broken home" to some extent... there are all kinds of things that make it a lot harder than it might seem at first glance. But I think that for some people it can work if it needs to.

And from at least one child's perspective, I lived essentially the same life: my parents divorced, my father stayed close at first then moved much farther away. We have always been and continue to be very close to our father. For some people it can work. At least that is my opinion, unpopular as it may be.

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#19 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:47 PM
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I saw this in new posts and hope it is OK to chime in.

It sounds like DSD's mom and you all want to move. Does DSD's mom want to move somewhere other than upstate NY? Can the three of you get together and decide on a move together?

I don't have a blended family but I do know what it is like to hate where I live. My parents divorced when I was young and I lived with my dad so I know what it is like to miss one parent. Those are tough situations to be in. Maybe instead of moving upstate, you could move to where the DSD's mom wants to live or convince her to move upstate. I think it is in the best interest of your DSD to have both parents nearby.

Or what about moving to somewhere you could easily commute from? (max 3 hours each way)

ETA: We crossposted. I hope you can figure things out.
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#20 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by aricha View Post
For some people it can work. At least that is my opinion, unpopular as it may be.
I don't disagree w/you (as a single mom who may soon see her kids' father move away). However, I would say that I think your situation is an exceptional one. I KNOW my X won't put in that kind of time/effort/resources. Many second wives would not be as magnanimous as you are, and as willing to do the p/t single parenting. And, many people just would run into limitations in terms of time & money. I think the more likely scenario, for those who are not extremely committed and disciplined, is that the distant parent fades out of the child's life to a certain extent.

It sounds like you & your DH work really hard to make the best situation possible
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#21 of 23 Old 07-21-2008, 11:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MeloMama08 View Post
Shouldn't HE be the one making himself happy here if he really can't leave?
Amen.

Look -- and this is coming from a single mother -- I feel your pain. I do. I'm not a native Midwesterner, I don't belong here, I've had a nice long rest here, but it could make you cry, what these people do with trees and buildings and landscape. I'm not passive-aggressive, I'm aggressive-aggressive, and the distinction is no longer amusing to me. And I've forgotten what it is to go to a decent museum just because you need to feel you some art. I'm also watching my daughter grow up without knowing the arts and taking them for granted, and this is not something that can be communicated later in life.

However, if I moved, I'd be moving her away from her beloved daddy and grandparents, and the entire world she knows. She's 5. There's no way I'd do that to her.

Really, as prison sentences go, it's not so bad. I remember thinking, when I was a young writer, that prison didn't sound so terrible -- you could knock out a novel or two, you wouldn't have to worry about making the rent or cooking, the noise might be a problem, the company might not be phenomenal, but on the whole you'd be mighty productive. Well, now's my chance. And that's exactly what I'm doing. Yeah, I still have to make a living -- more than before -- but as long as I'm stuck here for the next however many years, I can recognize that it's peaceful here, cheap to live, good libraries, decent people, on and on, and I'm probably more productive now than I've ever been in my life. Am I having a ball, no. Maybe eventually I'll figure out how to balance all this with having more fun, too. But I have this responsibility which I mean to carry out, so OK, and the truth is it's a good place for a kid to grow up. So's New York. It does leave your dh's kid in danger of being unwilling to live anyplace else later on, but on the whole the song is accurate. (Incidentally, I think this is true for half the faculty families I know, too. Most of the rest are probably just being polite. But most enterprising people don't really want to be here forever.)

If your husband is being a pill, he's going to be a pill anywhere. Honest, I've seen this happen, the New Yorker who leaves the city and proceeds to make everyone in a smallish town miserable for the next fifteen years, until he decides everyone around him is a hick and moves to a DC or Boston suburb. Let him take some vacations upstate, go pretend to be a lumberjack or whatever, go fishing. Just getting out of the city for a couple of weeks can help. I mean a good 200 miles away or more. Let him clear his head. But moving away from a small child...you really have to think back to what it was like for you, then, what a month was like, if you were even able to conceive of a month. Probably you weren't. It's an endless time. I recall that we say my paternal grandparents about once a month, and I'd forget their existence between visits. It was just too long to feel that they were really in my life.

There are others here who will say yes, we did it, the kid is fine. I would just point out, as others here have, that children can survive quite a bit and look fine in the moment. They'll cope because they want to be big and grown up and are proud that they can handle anything -- weren't you? That doesn't necessarily mean they're fine. At 6, even at 10, they're still very vulnerable.

So, long answer, but yes, making himself happy is your husband's job. And it's possible. Maybe there are less radical things he can do to get his head out of the city on a regular basis.

Good luck to you and your family -
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#22 of 23 Old 07-22-2008, 08:56 AM
 
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Here's my perspective as a stepmom to a very far away DSD beyond our control. Long distance parenting is challenging for the child, the marriage and the finances. You need to know that you are making parenting MORE difficult by being far away. Is it doable? Yes. But it is drain for all involved.

Second (and I don't mean to sound judgemental) but if you aren't married to the father, I would keep my mouth shut with respect to opinions on relocation until you are in a long-term committed relationship like marriage or a civil union. Added to the fact that you two haven't been together long, I just don't think you are in a position to try to convince your DP of anything without jeopardizing your own child's ability to be near his or her father. If this goes south, you may be blamed and he may pull up stakes and move away from you.

Finally, I am not a big advocate of geographical cures for emotional problems. Yes, a move can certainly help finances but not so much for stress and depression. Even a WANTED move without complications is a very big change and all change (even good change) brings stress. Take an unhappy person, separate them from friends and family and plop them into a new place with few family or close friends and add a big scoop of stress...well, that certainly wouldn't make me happier.
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#23 of 23 Old 07-22-2008, 11:27 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MeloMama08 View Post
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am really impressed with how selfless you have been. You say "trust me, it is worth it." Do you mean that seeing how well she is doing with you guys nearby is enough to make it worth it to not have moved? And what do you mean when you say moving would just "test you more?" Is that because seeing his daughter only on holidays/summer would be stressful for her and for our family?
I find myself faced with a very real adult situation. To be honest, (and I feel a bit vulnerable admitting this), I feel like I just became an adult recently. I'm 25 years old and I have a baby with a man whom I love but have not known long and am not married to. He is a good and honest man and a great father and partner. I have faith in the future but I also feel worried that I am being faced with a situation that will radically change the course of many lives- my own, my daughter's, his, his daughter's.... I guess I have been a functional "adult" for awhile but now that I am a mom I really see how the way you make decisions totally changes when you have kids...
Anyway thanks again for your input.
I hear you on growing up quickly, too. I met DH when I was 20yo and had to grow up quickly when we moved in together a short time after we started dating. We then started our own famly when I was 23yo. I am now 27yo and still feel like I am growing up.

As for what I meant by it being worth it is you simply can not replace time spent with a child. You have to look at what really matters most to you in life. It is a deep question. For us, family is the most important in the end. We have always stressed that value with DSD, and we had to live it. Of course, another main value of ours is to act the way we feel. Show and not just tell you we love you. kwim Moving away from DSD would not have shown her that we love her at all. It isn't like DH can't make a living here. Which, IMO, would be the only reason we would move anywhere else and we would look to stay in-state if that were the case.

Long distance relationships of any kind will test you more. You will have to work harder to have a bond with his DD. He will have to work harder to stay connected. It will be harder financially to deal with the commutes. That isn't to say that it can't be done, but it certainly takes a major committment to do so.

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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