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#1 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 03:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I didn't want to bring down the happy thread.... but I had re-read through what about DSD made me happy... She doesn't do like any of it anymore. I don't know why things are changing so much recently... maybe her age? I don't know...

But she doesn't run to me when I pick her up from school anymore, or excitiedly tells her friends that her Jen is there.... Instead she cries and screams and kicks and says she wishes her Mommy would pick her up.

She doesn't crawl into my lap and give me snuggles anymore either... I think that in part has to do with her Mom constantly telling her that I can't pick her up anymore because of the baby. *sighs*

Every weekend has seemingly gotten harder with her screaming and kicking tantrums over everything and yelling that I can't tell her what to do...
(Not that I'm asking much... helping to pick up the toys she took out, helping clean up dinner by carrying her plate out, getting a bath...)

Is it just the age? Will this pass? Is it emtions over me and her Dad getting married? What can we do??

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#2 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 03:20 PM
 
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just continue to be loving and hope that it passes! she probably is very confused!
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#3 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 03:26 PM
 
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Okay, I'm here to tell you exactly the same thing I need to hear myself once in a while... It will pass.

If you love her, and you are there for her, and you do all the things one should do when they have a child to take care, then she loves and cares for you as well, even if she doesn't show it often. I'm sure of it!

I'm sure she is just a little bit stressed with the wedding, and the new baby, it's a lot of changes for a little girl. I know it can be trying for your nerves and patience, but if you do the right thing, and stay patient and loving it will be all worth it! Hang in there.

P.S. DSD was never a snuggling type with me, I just accept it for what it is. I know she still cares.

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#4 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 03:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's just so weird... because she is soo different than she was two months ago even.

She is still very snuggly... with everyone but me. She will sit on my sister's or Mom's lap all day if they'd let her. lol



She even told me this weekend that I am making her very angry, but she didn't have a reason why I was... I was pretty shocked she said that to me... we were having fun playing with bath toys at that moment. It seemed pretty random at the time.

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#5 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 03:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
It's just so weird... because she is soo different than she was two months ago even.

She is still very snuggly... with everyone but me. She will sit on my sister's or Mom's lap all day if they'd let her. lol



She even told me this weekend that I am making her very angry, but she didn't have a reason why I was... I was pretty shocked she said that to me... we were having fun playing with bath toys at that moment. It seemed pretty random at the time.
Would my guess be correct if your belly just started to show couple of months ago?.. What does she say when you talk about the baby, does she seem excited or resentful? *hugs*

Hang in there, it will get better.

I would also be honest with her "I miss hugs from you", just be careful at the same time not to pressure her into something she doesn't want to do. If she needs space right now, that's okay, simply be honest with her, that you miss hugs, but you understand if she wants to play, draw, etc. right now.

New endeavor coming soon...
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#6 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 03:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just started showing in the last couple weeks or so... but I don't think prominently enough that she would be able to tell...

She is way excited about baby though, she has recently switched to wanting a brother or a sister, she was all about a sister the whole time til recently. She keeps asking if the baby can sleep with her when it comes, and she asks how it is doing in my belly... she definitely seems major excited about it.

And if anyone slips and calls her a little one or something similiar she flips telling them she is a big sister. lol


So I don't think it's the baby... I think it's more about the marriage... She keeps trying to think of reasons Daddy can't go.... but on the other hand sometimes she is excited about it too, saying she wants to see Daddy and I dance... then she turns around and gets all mad if he hugs me. It's really hard to tell what is going on in her head.

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#7 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 03:51 PM
 
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So I don't think it's the baby... I think it's more about the marriage... She keeps trying to think of reasons Daddy can't go.... but on the other hand sometimes she is excited about it too, saying she wants to see Daddy and I dance... then she turns around and gets all mad if he hugs me. It's really hard to tell what is going on in her head.
Ah, the wedding it is then... For what it's worth, I think developmentally this is the age when little girls "want to marry their father", and little boys "want to marry their mom", kwim? Maybe that's the where the conflict is for her, she is worried that her dad is getting taken away?

DSD used to physically push us apart, and she'd get really angry if he sat next to me at the movies, or held my hand, or if she saw him hug me, etc. That was happening for us when she was 7-10 y.o. (I wasn't in her life when she was 5). In a way though, I do think our case was extreme, and I don't think it usually lasts that long. She was definitely jealous. In retrospect, I think more one-on-one time with daddy would have helped, although, I'm certain that some of it can't be helped. When they are little, they are too scared that you will take the daddy away.

I will pass.

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#8 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 03:52 PM
 
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She is still very snuggly... with everyone but me. She will sit on my sister's or Mom's lap all day if they'd let her.
Could be a combonation of things. Having a new baby coming is a big adjustment for any kid, probably even moreso for a child who has two families. Is it possible that her Mother's been saying something to upset her, regarding you? I, too had a completely different stepdaughter a few months ago (no baby on the way, though!) and it turned out that her Mother was just upset about her accepting me as her family and wanted to make sure she knew that her Mother was still #1, if you know what I mean.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#9 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 04:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks Oriole. I hope it does pass. *nods* I hope she will be okay on wedding day! (next Friday already!!! OMG!! : )


Harley... honestly I would not put it past her Mom... she has been odd herself lately...

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#10 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 04:53 PM
 
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I also think it is a combination of all those things, especially a new baby at the age she is. She may act one way and truly feel excited, but there are still fears there that she just may not know how to express properly. We found the same thing with DSD when I was pg with DD1. She was around the same age as your DSD. Add a wedding to all of this, and it can be a bit stressful for them. I would also not discount anything her mother is saying to her.

I agree that it will pass. Have lots of patience and love for her. Once things settle down and a good routine is set for her, you will see a difference. Hang in there.

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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#11 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 05:06 PM
 
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I agree with the op - even though it's hard for you don't get reactive. Stand still - Just be calm and consistent - don't chase. Give her space and time - continue to be open, but respect her feelings.

You and dp might even acknowledge that this is a challenging time for her and talk to her about it.

Kids pick up on energy - make your energy be calm, and soothing. She'll come around. There's a lot going on right now.

Take care -
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#12 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 05:20 PM
 
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Hey, watching your father marry someone else is traumatic at any age. I was already grown when my dad told me he was going to marry his girlfriend; my mom was not a great mom, and I actually thought they were better off divorced. And I liked his girlfriend just fine. But no, I didn't like seeing him marry another lady -- it felt all wrong. In fact when he told me I was quite angry and upset. I kept it to myself, of course, and acted happy for him, and some part of me was. But it's not a surprise at all for a little girl is going to act the way your DSD does about her daddy marrying someone who's not her mommy.

Roll with it, and it'll eventually fade. Be prepared for it to take a while.
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#13 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 07:58 PM
 
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I truly believe that kids who push you away like that need reassurance that you are not going to go anywhere... so I think the best response is to respond with reassurance of your love, and for dad to make sure he does the same. It sounds kind of counter-intuitive to adults, but I have watched it work miracles.

Concrete examples:
She says "You are making me very angry!" "I'm sorry that you are feeling so angry. I love you very much, even when you are angry."

"I want Mommy to pick me up!!!" "I hear that you are really missing Mommy and you wish she was here right now. I love you very much and I am here to pick you up from school today. I'm so glad I am here to take care of you."

It might also help for dad to double (or triple!) his reassurances of his everlasting love for her, too.

It doesn't always help in the moment, but it gives them the long-term message that even when they are angry/upset/disappointed/mean/hurtful, you still love them and you won't leave them. As with many things at this age, they long for consistancy and they test the boundaries... not in a mean-spirited way, just in a figuring-out-how-the-world-works way.

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#14 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 08:29 PM
 
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lots of hugs to you. The advice above is wonderful. It will pass, and it's a lot for her to absorb. Just continue being you, *her Jen* and she will come around. Try not to be hurt if she doesn't sit with you- she's been told that you can't pick her up because of the baby, right? She might be worried to get too close and "squish" it.

You really never know what's going on in their heads, but I like the concrete advice above. Let her know that you love her and that you'll be here for her, no matter.

Have a BEAUTIFUL wedding next week!

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#15 of 23 Old 07-28-2008, 09:12 PM
 
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I'm trusting that it will pass for you, and that it's stress from the wedding or incoming sibling. I imagine she's having a hard time finding what her place is again. Her world is changing in two very significant ways. Continue what you're doing - loving her, caring for her. She'll come around.
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#16 of 23 Old 07-29-2008, 07:51 AM
 
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It may be her age. I assume she is 4 years old? Maybe if she is in school and other kids have their "mommy" picking them up then she overhears them talking to their mommies and it saddens her because her own mommy isn't there. I know that when my DD was in preschool/kindergarten that she would want whatever the other kids were doing. If their dad came each morning to drop them off then she would want her dad to do it and he just couldn't do it - ever, I had to take her and she had to get over it and she did eventually. This is what it sounds like to me. She wants to be able to compare herself to the other kids. I'm sure it will work out eventually. She'll move on to something else. Hugs to you.

If your DSD is only 4 then I doubt the idea of a new baby is affecting her that much. It might affect her but at her age I would think the baby would have to physically be in her presence for her to have that much resentment already. But I may be wrong.

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#17 of 23 Old 07-29-2008, 09:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by aricha View Post
Concrete examples:
She says "You are making me very angry!" "I'm sorry that you are feeling so angry. I love you very much, even when you are angry."

"I want Mommy to pick me up!!!" "I hear that you are really missing Mommy and you wish she was here right now. I love you very much and I am here to pick you up from school today. I'm so glad I am here to take care of you."

I really like those! Thank you.

Thank you everyone for your help and reassurance.


Mommy68... typically when I pick her up not too many other kids are being picked up at that time. Occaisonaly me and actually two other Dads are there.

The thing is... her Mother NEVER picks her up from school... on the days she goes to her Mom's, her grandmother or uncle pick her up. So maybe she just wishes her Mom would pick her up sometimes? *shrugs*

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#18 of 23 Old 07-29-2008, 05:44 PM
 
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she just turned four?
three can be bad and sometimes it takes until like 4.5 to really come out of that terribly difficult age

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#19 of 23 Old 07-30-2008, 04:13 PM
 
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DSD started getting extra mom-clingy at 4, and that was with no baby on the way (as far as she knew). I bet it's a combination of things. I know DSD likes to kiss her daddy on the mouth if she sees me do it -- like claiming her turf somehow. It's exactly the age for it. And I'm sure the wedding has a lot to do with it. Does she have a role? Flower girl, I'd guess?

Good luck, and Congratulations!!

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#20 of 23 Old 07-30-2008, 04:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Technically I guess she is the flower girl/ring bearer... We don't have a party... just a simple ceremony in our backyard with our parents, grandparents and siblings.

I did get petals for DSD to throw and we are puting the rings in her purse.

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#21 of 23 Old 07-30-2008, 04:23 PM
 
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It will pass...it sounds like there's a lot going on, and also, I remember my DD being really difficult when she was newly 4.
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#22 of 23 Old 07-30-2008, 04:25 PM
 
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Technically I guess she is the flower girl/ring bearer... We don't have a party... just a simple ceremony in our backyard with our parents, grandparents and siblings.

I did get petals for DSD to throw and we are puting the rings in her purse.
That's sweet!

A dear friend of mine got married recently, and her new DSS (7) brought the rings. They did vows and such, she kissed her new husband, and then reached down and smooched her new DSS. It was very sweet and he beamed from all the attention.

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#23 of 23 Old 07-30-2008, 04:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies.

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