Having a hard time with ss.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 3 Old 08-21-2008, 04:55 AM - Thread Starter
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My ss is driving me crazy!!!! His dad too!!! How can I find compassion for this cute little boy who is driving me up the wall?!?!? It doesn't help that he feels like he d doesn't need to listen to me at all and even ran over to his dad and made a face at me the other day. Ugh!!

It is hard because I have totally different standards for my children...Bf agrees his son is being bratty, but feels bad when he has to discipline him and leaves it up to me. He says he is his "baby" in his mind and he just thinks he's so cute (even though rationally he knows it's not cute to anyone else) Now ss says he doesn't like me ALL THE TIME and the situation is beginning to implode on itself. We had a big fight on Sunday, and ended up talking, we are on the same page, but I know dh is stilll feeling weird about it -- like I don't like his son deep down, (which could possibly be a little true, though I despise admitting that...how can I not like a five year old???). He says he feels like the kids are starting to come between us. The problem is that there are four other children between us and I feel like this little boy has become a giant attention sucker in the family, and the other kids are so good and sweet and normal...I hate the way I'm feeling, it's so icky and I know if bf felt this way about one off MY kids I'd be hitting the roof.

Part of this is compounded by the fact that my kids are with their dad most weekends, so we usually end up doing family stuff together with me, him and his kids. It's hard, I feel like here I am playing family with this kid who totally has no respect for me while totally missing my own kids who DO respect me. I think resentment is starting to build up and I'm not sure what to do about it. Maybe counseling?
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#2 of 3 Old 08-21-2008, 05:16 PM
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Major bummer. I truly do feel for you.
My stepson, who is now 16 years old, was like that when he was that age. He went to counseling to deal with his feelings regarding his parent's break up and the partial absence of his father (not living with him all of the time anymore).
He STILL acts up at the age that he is now, but in different ways...it's like a residual thing.
Another thing that we did was that my husband started spending some one on one time with each of the kids. It's hard to do that with everything else that has to be done in a day, but a 30 minute walk through the neighborhood to have a chat can make a world of difference to a kid.
Here is one more thing that I found out, but it took me awhile to get it. Even though the behaviour was directed at me, it had absolutely NOTHING to do with me personally. It was all about his parents and getting their attention. I was just a safe/easy target.
Try to find a way for your husband to let him know that you are off limits for disrespectful behavior. Believe you me, the behavior wont go away...if he is allowed to act disrespectful towards you now, then he will always think it's okay to do that.
You are right in both that you shouldn't have negative feelings towards a five year old kid, but it's also understandable when you are getting the brunt of his ill behaviour!
Hang in there & it does get better.
What worked for us was counseling & one on one time with the bio parents.
Just my two cents.
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#3 of 3 Old 08-21-2008, 08:27 PM
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debmac I agree with you. I can tell you there have been times when I have not liked my ss. What is all boils down to is this, if you love your dh you will feel his pain and he will fell yours. Sometimes life is a give and a take. Your dh is looking for guidance from you. Sometimes men don't know what to do and they think women are biological predisposed to know what to do. Many women (at least the ones I know have a motherly instinct) and know what to do will children. My parents were married over 40 years and so were my dh's parents god rest their souls. My dh knows the mother he picked for his son was not good (his own parents tried to talk him out of the wedding) but it was too late. So now my dh feels an overwhelming guilt. I love him for caring and I feel his pain. My dh did many of the things you talked about your ss doing but my dh always ignored or defended his behavior. We are going on 5 years of marriage and my dh now sees he did wrong and has since corrected the situation. I think in his heart he knew my ss was not behaving properly but he deferred it to me. I got upset at being the bad guy. Now we have come to the conclusion that feelings are niether right nor wrong, they just are. My dh still deferres my ss behavior to me and at times I am the bad guy but my dh knows that it is done in love. When you love someone look at the person they are because that is why you fell in love with them. Finally, remember men think women can handle situations better than themselves. Your dh thinks alot of you and I think you are a lucky girl. just follow your heart and do things in love.
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