My Mother's getting married, uninvited my little girl, what should I do? (Very long, but please read and give me any advice you can!) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Crossposted in Talk Amongst Yourselves...

My Mother is getting married very soon, and one way or another, I'm gonna deeply hurt another family member...

Backstory:

My Grandfather is dying of cancer. He will not live past Christmas, if that long. So far, he's okay, just very tired and it's hard to breathe. He's ordained to marry people. My Mother wants him to marry her and her boyfriend before it's too late. I adore my Mother's boyfriend and I call him Dad. (I consider him the Father I should have had all my life, if you know what I mean.) My Mother wants to get married as soon as possible, because pretty soon, my Grandfather will not be able to do it. My Grandfather can pretty much do it any day, not just on certain days, like some ministers, but they planned on a weekend wedding, because my family and my Mother's sister and her family both have over two hour drives to get back to our hometowns.

My Hubby and I have my stepdaughter every other weekend and her Mother is impossible to deal with if we need to switch weekends or if we need my stepdaughter, for whatever reason, when it's "her" weekend. My Mother knows this and when planning the wedding (it was very sudden- they've been planning two weeks now), my Mother asked which weekends my stepdaughter will be with us, because "the whole family needs to be there", and I told her. Now, my Mother tells me last night that the wedding will be September 6th, and when I remind her that my stepdaughter will be at her Mother's, so she won't be able to come, my Mohter just said, "That's unfortunate." and left it at that. (Before I go any further, I'd like to point out that my stepdaughter is as much my Mother's granddaughter as my son and her two other grandchildren. And my Mother has been her Grandmother for 5 years now. She sees her often and we've NEVER gone by the "my Grandmother, your stepgrandmother" way of thinking. I was clear with my family from the beginning- don't favor my son, consider them BOTH my children and treat them the same- package deal.)

Sooo... do I go to my Mother's wedding, knowing that the fact that my stepdaughter is not coming is going to hurt my stepdaughter very much, or do I go with an all-around, "WE can't make it, instead of SHE can't make it", so my little girl is not left out? If I go, I will be choosing my family over my stepdaughter who I love as a daughter. If I don't go, I'll be hurting my Mother (pissed at her, but don't really want to hurt her), my "Dad" (who I love dearly, and miss out an extra chance to see my Grandfather, before it's too late. Also, there's my son to worry about. He's on a camping trip right now, so I don't know his feelings on this one, but I assume he would proabably want to go?

Also, I don't want to sound morbid, but most likely, sometime within the next couple of months, my Grandfather will be passing away and we will be dealing with a similar situation. My stepdaughter will not be going, even if it happens on "our" weekend. I'm okay with that. But I don't want my little girl to feel like we're excluding her in everything and that will be two big family events in a row, one right after another (or pretty close), so it's really important to me (and I expressed this to my Mother, with the reasons why, before she picked her wedding date).

Now, should I go to my Mother's wedding? If I do, what can I say to my little girl, because she WILL be hurt and she will feel excluded? She's only 7 (8 soon), but she's got a very good grip on this kind of thing. (Too much like me, sometimes. )

Should I stay home from my Mother's wedding (make up some excuse that will soften the blow for my Mother and "Dad"?) and what should I say so I don't ruin my relationship with my Mother and her boyfriend?

Should I do (insert alternate suggestion here)?

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#2 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 03:23 PM
 
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I would not go. Your mother knew the dates your daughter would be able to attend, and chose a date she was unavailable. She knew, or should known, she was making the choice to exclude her relatives.

This is, of course, based on the assumption that your daughter's biomom absolutely will not under any circumstances or amount of butt-kissing switch weekends with you.

ETA: I would definitely tell your mom that you're not going because you don't want your daughter to feel excluded, but that you'd be happy to take her and her new husband out to dinner on a visitation weekend.
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#3 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 03:23 PM
 
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s


I can only answer what I personally would do. That is to go to the wedding. I would still have dp ask step-daughter's mother to please trade a weekend. Yes she will say no but I would still ask.
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#4 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 03:24 PM
 
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On the surface, this sounds like it could be innocent--like maybe she asked around and September 6 was the day that the most people could make it. (We're trying to schedule a wedding here and it's damn near impossible, for that very reason. Heck, my grandmother is upset we're not doing it in California--where she lives and we don't and never have--because she can't travel anymore.)

I would go unless you think the scheduling was intended to leave your stepdaughter out. The way you wrote it, your girl is still invited, she just won't be able to come.

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#5 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 03:28 PM
 
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I would go, and make the effort to switch with the mom. If her mom won't let her switch weekends, that doesn't make you or your mom the "bad guy", kwim?
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#6 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 03:31 PM
 
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I would also go but I would ask your dsd mom and, as passive-aggressive as it is- I would ask in front of her so that if she doesn't get to go she knows it is not because she is being left out. If she can't go I would take lots of pictures and let her pick out something that you take with you. What a rough situation.
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#7 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 03:41 PM
 
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I would go too. It is unfair to your mother and "dad" to skip going because of the biomom's stubborness. Its not your mom that is hurting your dd, its HER mom. Maybe you could just pick her up and take her to the wedding and then drop her back off at her mom's?

If you look at the big picture of who is getting "hurt" here... there are a lot more people involved if you don't go. I am sure you can think of something to make it up to your dd if her mom just WILL NOT BUDGE.
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#8 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 03:48 PM
 
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I would go and I would do everything within my power and dp’s power to convince your step daughter’s mother to trade weekends so that the girl can attend. These are very special and difficult circumstances and I would hope that the girl’s mother would be respectful of that no matter what your and DP’s relationship with her is. Your mom is going through a lot right now with the death of her father being imminent. I would give your mom the benefit of the doubt that the weekend was chosen not in an attempt to exclude anyone but with the hope of including as many loved ones as humanly possible on short notice when up against the clock.
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#9 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 05:07 PM
 
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I agree with going. I think the above posters have said it pretty well. I didn't get the feeling that your mom wasn't including everyone- and I also didn't read that she was drawing a line between yours and his.

I think it's a very emotional event, given your grandfather's condition, and I think you would really regret not going.

Given the sitch/circ, one could only reasonably expect her to say yes. But if she says no, then you still have to go and DSD has to be upset with bio. But you really need to do this for yourself and your mom.

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#10 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 06:24 PM
 
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I say ask in front of sdd's mom asking if she could swich weekends because of the wedding. if she says know then sdd would know that 1 you asked 2 you wanted to take her 3 it was her mothers choice not to switch weekends. she will feel even if she cant go that she was "wanted" and not forgoten or left out by this side of the family
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#11 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 06:26 PM
 
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I like the invitation idea in your other thread http://www.mothering.com/discussions...3&postcount=23

Tofie ~ mama to DD1, DD2 and Pookie v3 debuting December 2011
Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#12 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 06:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by TechnoGranola View Post
I like the invitation idea in your other thread http://www.mothering.com/discussions...3&postcount=23
OMG, my Mom would KILL me if they actually showed up!

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#13 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 06:34 PM
 
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Go to the wedding- or you'l lbe hurting mom, dad, grandpa, etc. There's still a chance that SDD will be able to attend.

In all likelyhood, your mom is trying to schedule something that works for everybody but just wasnt' able to do it all. The best date for the most people happened to have been a date that doesnt' work for DD. I wouldn't take ti personally.

I like the idea of asking about switching weekends in front of DD; this way DD knows who the "bad guy" is if she isnt' able to make it to the wedding.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#14 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 06:47 PM
 
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Originally Posted by PoppyMama View Post
I would also go but I would ask your dsd mom and, as passive-aggressive as it is- I would ask in front of her so that if she doesn't get to go she knows it is not because she is being left out. If she can't go I would take lots of pictures and let her pick out something that you take with you. What a rough situation.
:

Letting dsd pick out a gift or something is a great way to let her participate even if she can't attend.
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#15 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 07:53 PM
 
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My two step children have missed out on a lot of family events because
A) it wasn't their visitation weekend
B) Their mother wouldn't let them go
C) Their mother wouldn't/couldn't change weekends.

It was always hard on them but we were always very clear that they are/were welcome to come. We tried talking to your mother but she wouldn't allow you to come.

Visitation sucks. The whole (extended) family cannot revolve their lives around one child's visitation. I say this with love and compassion. We have had some serious emotional fallout from the kids when they have missed out on events. It's hard.

This is all said on the assumption that your mother is planning her wedding date on just a date and it has nothing to do with your sd.
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#16 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 08:48 PM
 
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I would go.

It is a really unfortunate part of sharing custody, but it is a reality that not all people (close family included) will always plan their own special events around your custody schedule. My family has been fantastic about it much of the time, but sometimes it just can't happen, and I either have to be okay with that or spend a lot of time unnecessarily pissed off.

There will be things that your step-daughter can't go to, and there are times when she will have to chose between two really important events-- for someone in a blended family the likelihood of this certainly increases. I would probably approach it as an opportunity to help her handle these situations when they inevitably arise.

Boycotting the wedding will hurt your mom and "dad," will probably end up hurting you (in your relationship with your mom and step-dad, your own mental health, your relationship with other family members), may hurt your son... and your step-daughter still won't get to go to the wedding.

I absolutely can't conclude without addressing the idea of asking your step-daughter's mom to switch while your step-daughter is present. HAving read your posts for a while, I hope I am safe in assuming that is advice you aren't going to take. I would assure your step-daughter that she was invited to the wedding, explain that it is on a weekend that she is with her mom, and figure out what you can do to make her feel included. Even if you ask mom (in private) to switch and she says no, this is not information your step-daughter needs... it falls under the category of "grown-up stuff" and something the grown-ups should protect children from.

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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#17 of 33 Old 08-22-2008, 11:26 PM
 
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We would go. We go to family events regardless of where they fall on the parenting schedule.

If it were my mom, I might bring up my feelings at some point - "Hey, when you were planning, you asked when DSD would be with us, but you chose another weekend. What's up with that?" It could have been any number of things.

Also, despite the, uh, temperament of your dsd's mom, I would make a big deal of asking her, probably in front of DSD, if she could attend. Then it is a decision that her mother made, not just your family excluding her.

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#18 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 04:59 AM
 
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those who try to blame it on the mom run the risk of the mom during her weekend and the wedding emphasizing that stepgrandma must have not wanted the child at her wedding since she knows when the weekends fall. This could go on and on. It's probably the new husbands fault anyway. Does he not like children?
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#19 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 10:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I asked around. My Grandfather and Gramma will be there, so will be my brother, his girlfriend and kids, my sister, her fiance and kids, my Uncle, my Aunt, her Husband and kids, maybe my other brother (he can come, but doesn't know if he wants to), my Mother's boyfriend's Mother and brother. One way or another, they are all available or can make themselves available any Saturday from now until Christmas. My Mother's boyfriend said it was because she wanted to be married on an even numbered date (the 6th, instead of, say, the 23rd or the 13th or the 27th...). I did not discuss my feelings with my Dad, just asked him why they picked that date. I'm not sure what to think now. Sure, it's her wedding, but can the date really be that important (it's not some kinda of anniversary for them) that she'd pick it over her granddaughter being able to come?

Also, we're asking my stepdaughter's Mother. We're in negotiation phase, but so far, the negotiation is for us to give up four different days (including birthday weekend) so that we can have my stepdaughter those 10 hours on the 6th. It's just a powerplay for her Mother right now. :

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#20 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 11:16 AM
 
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Just cuirous what kind of visitation you have? Is it the standard 1st,3rd,5th weekend or do you do every other weekend. I ask because we have 1st,3rd,5th and that means we get an extra weekend this month (two weekends in a row 5th and 1st). For a long time, we just did every other until DH realized how much time he was giving up with DSD. Anyway, I just wanted to ask in case you have that, too. You may actually have her that weekend. kwim

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#21 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 11:39 AM
 
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those who try to blame it on the mom run the risk of the mom during her weekend and the wedding emphasizing that stepgrandma must have not wanted the child at her wedding since she knows when the weekends fall. This could go on and on. It's probably the new husbands fault anyway. Does he not like children?
?????????????????????
Sounds like to me that the stepdaughter is 100% part of the family. And the relationship between OP and mom's fiance is very good.

Married to my best friend, expecting #1 6/09. Little angel came early- 4/10/09, 2lbs 5oz. Lilah Grace:
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#22 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 01:11 PM
 
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I would go and frankly I'd not be upset with my mom for planning her wedding on a weekend that works best for her.
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#23 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 03:46 PM
 
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Also, we're asking my stepdaughter's Mother. We're in negotiation phase, but so far, the negotiation is for us to give up four different days (including birthday weekend) so that we can have my stepdaughter those 10 hours on the 6th. It's just a powerplay for her Mother right now. :
This is a no-brainer to me -- the last time your DSD spends the day with her whole family, including her great-grandfather? I wouldn't hesitate before giving up her birthday.

It seems to me like you're also having trouble giving up power in this situation.

As to why the 6th -- is it possible your mom is worried that her father won't last if they pick a later date, but saying that outloud is too hard?
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#24 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just cuirous what kind of visitation you have? Is it the standard 1st,3rd,5th weekend or do you do every other weekend. I ask because we have 1st,3rd,5th and that means we get an extra weekend this month (two weekends in a row 5th and 1st). For a long time, we just did every other until DH realized how much time he was giving up with DSD. Anyway, I just wanted to ask in case you have that, too. You may actually have her that weekend. kwim
Every other weekend. (And every Wednsday, every other holiday and a total of three weeks during the entire year, as long as those weeks aren't one right after another.)

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#25 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 04:33 PM
 
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I'd talk to the child's mother...maybe she would allow a change to be made even if she hasn't in the past.

I'd go to the wedding. This is your mother and a guy who has been wonderful to you. They want to married by someone special to them who they believe may not be around, or well enough to marry them later.

If your stepdaughter isn't able to be with you that weekend she may understand more than you think. I'd explain the situation honestly with her and I'd go without apology or regret. This isn't about uninviting a child...this is about not being able to plan everything around her weekend with you although certainly trying to whenever possible.
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#26 of 33 Old 08-23-2008, 04:35 PM
 
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This is a no-brainer to me -- the last time your DSD spends the day with her whole family, including her great-grandfather? I wouldn't hesitate before giving up her birthday.

It seems to me like you're also having trouble giving up power in this situation.

As to why the 6th -- is it possible your mom is worried that her father won't last if they pick a later date, but saying that outloud is too hard?
It feels the same way to me. I'd just give her the four days. It takes you and your dh to engage in a power struggle. Just bow out. And you are getting what you want.

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#27 of 33 Old 08-24-2008, 01:47 AM
 
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What about having a special dinner for your mom, "dad" and SD to celebrate their wedding Wednesday the 3rd? Like a rehersal?

Not quite as "ceremonious" as the event on the 6th, but special enough? It wouldn't have to be elaborate, just meaningful.
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#28 of 33 Old 08-24-2008, 09:46 AM
 
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I really hope that Mom wasn't asked for the time in front of the child. That's a terrible thing to do to the kid, and really unfair to Mom. If it can't be worked out, all Dad has to say to the kiddo is "Mom and I tried to sort it out, but we couldn't."

I've been on that end of the request, and it pretty much sucks eggs. To avoid being "the bad guy", I gave up having the kids home to celebrate Mother's Day with myself and their grandMom, as well as my birthday, my Mom's 74th, and my Dad's 75th - so that the kids could go to their stepMom's cousin's niece's first communion or something along those lines. And then, he had the gall to tell me that if I wanted to see them on Mother's Day, he'd be cool with my picking them up at 6pm, 500 miles away.

Sorry for the vent. I just think it's a terrible thing to do to a kid to put them in the middle of P/A stuff like this.
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#29 of 33 Old 08-24-2008, 11:46 AM
 
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I absolutely can't conclude without addressing the idea of asking your step-daughter's mom to switch while your step-daughter is present. HAving read your posts for a while, I hope I am safe in assuming that is advice you aren't going to take. I would assure your step-daughter that she was invited to the wedding, explain that it is on a weekend that she is with her mom, and figure out what you can do to make her feel included. Even if you ask mom (in private) to switch and she says no, this is not information your step-daughter needs... it falls under the category of "grown-up stuff" and something the grown-ups should protect children from.
As a child my mother was inflexible about visitation changes. Visitation discussions--always strained-- often took place in front of me. I did not hear the message that my family wanted me. I heard big problems that the grown-ups in my life couldn't cope with themselves. I heard everybody upset. I heard everybody upset...about me. Each thought, by addressing custody issues in front of me, that they were gaining my understanding. Instead I was just stressed and confused.

I know they were doing their best. Nobody meant to hurt me.

Phanta
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#30 of 33 Old 08-24-2008, 01:18 PM
 
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"We're in negotiation phase, but so far, the negotiation is for us to give up four different days (including birthday weekend) so that we can have my stepdaughter those 10 hours on the 6th. It's just a powerplay for her Mother right now."

How important is this event to your SD? Would she be willing to miss out on seeing her Dad for four days (including her birthday) out of already pretty limited time to come to the wedding? I think in that situation maybe the SD gets to make the choice between the two options.
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