How do you word less parent-time in a postitive way?? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 08-27-2008, 01:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
purplepetal21's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Floating down a river of bliss
Posts: 151
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Little Background:

My DD is 4yrs old...her bio dad become involved when she was 10mo. old...she did not warm up to him and continues to have a rough relationship with him...bio dad and I where never married...from the very beginning it has been a high conflict co-parenting relationship... in an effort to try and make things better between us I agreed to a 50-50 parent-time schedule...DD has been so unhappy ever since...I filed a petition to modify in November of last year...her father was ordered to pay for a custody Evaluation... it has yet to happen...I finally started DD in Play therapy this March....she goes once a week and every 4 weeks we (my DH and I) go in for an update.

At the last update, it was strongly recommended that it is in our daughter's best interest that we try everything we can to get our current parent-time schedule changed from a 50-50 to the standard parent-time schedule.

Her therapist has left several msgs with DD's dad but he will not return her calls. I have given him all her contact info and have invited him to participate but he refuses. Even his wife (awesome stepmom by the way!!) has been trying to get him to go see our daughter's therapist but he claims that I have tainted the therapy so he will not go.

My DH (best stepdad ever!)and I finally related this to our attorney. There is already a Custody Evaluation ordered by the court but it is our hope to be able to get her dad to accept the therapist's recommendation and stay out of court. Not out of fear of losing the custody case, but because going to court always makes the situation worse.

Our attorney is going to try to set up a conference meeting with everyone to discuss our concerns and try to get her dad to agree to the standard parent-time schedule. We are even going to try to get my daughter's therapist to join in via phone.

I am raking my brain about how to present her father with the therapist's recommendation of reducing his parent-time in a way that sounds supportive of his relationship with our DD.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!!
purplepetal21 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 08-27-2008, 10:54 AM
 
kellygirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: florida
Posts: 149
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have a dss on a 50/50 split and it is terrible. My dss has many problems from being shuffeled every 2-3 days. This has been going on now for about 6 years and he to was in therapy. I have just now convinced dh that it was not in his sons best interest and he has been letting him spend more time with his mom due to his sports schedule. We only had him about 20% of the time this summer. My dss is the happiest I have seen him. My husband refuses to switch anything legally but has been allowing him more time in the other home. The past six years have been hard on all involved. My dss never felt like he had a home to call his own. Yesterday for the first time he said ,"At my house we have..... Prior to yesterday it was his moms or dads house. Also, we live 45 min away from his school, friends, and moms. He had a difficult time making friends. I feel really bad that he did not have a healthy childhood as he suffered many insecurities because of this schedule. I say if my dh had to do it all over again he would not have picked this schedule. There were times during the school week that my dss did not arrive at our house until 7:00 pm only to have to leave for school at 6:45 the next morning. (Due to traffic) I would advise you to change the custody back to traditional before your child suffers anymore. That is so sad that your ex is only thinking about himself. I have no problem with dss coming to our house as a matter of fact I suggested he live here all the time but not in both places. Imagine if you had to change homes every 2-3 days you would be looking forward to the day this merry go round would stop. I would tell anyone never to agree to a 50/50 split it is not in your childs best interest. If you want request traditional visitation and give liberal visits based on what your child can accept. This is why most states have a presumptive against split residential custody as judges do not want to be responsible for such emotional child abuse.
kellygirl is offline  
Old 08-27-2008, 11:07 AM
 
mammastar2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,690
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, if it is really something that is in your daughter's best interest, I suppose the most positive way to present it is as a means for her and her father to build a stronger relationship over time.

If the current share is causing her to have a strongly negative reaction to him, that may not be good for their long-term relationship.

You could try to reassure him (and, if necessary the court) that you are committed to their relationship, but want it to be built on terms that are more appropriate to her current developmental and emotional state.

It also depends on what the therapist is actually saying, of course - does the above kind of cover it? If you are actually trying to reduce his time with his daughter on a permanent basis and don't want their relationship to increase over time, it would not be honest to say otherwise, but it doesn't necessarily sound like that's what going on from what you posted.
mammastar2 is offline  
Old 08-27-2008, 05:14 PM
 
ma_vie_en_rose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Houston
Posts: 853
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ditto what mammastar2 has to say. It may be reassuring to him that you are not trying to close the door forever on changing visitation in th efuture when their relationship is stronger if that is how you feel. kwim

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
ma_vie_en_rose is offline  
Old 08-27-2008, 05:36 PM
 
BabyMamaPhD's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 41
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kellygirl View Post
I have a dss on a 50/50 split and it is terrible. My dss has many problems from being shuffeled every 2-3 days. This has been going on now for about 6 years and he to was in therapy. I have just now convinced dh that it was not in his sons best interest and he has been letting him spend more time with his mom due to his sports schedule. We only had him about 20% of the time this summer. My dss is the happiest I have seen him. My husband refuses to switch anything legally but has been allowing him more time in the other home. The past six years have been hard on all involved. My dss never felt like he had a home to call his own. Yesterday for the first time he said ,"At my house we have..... Prior to yesterday it was his moms or dads house. Also, we live 45 min away from his school, friends, and moms. He had a difficult time making friends. I feel really bad that he did not have a healthy childhood as he suffered many insecurities because of this schedule. I say if my dh had to do it all over again he would not have picked this schedule. There were times during the school week that my dss did not arrive at our house until 7:00 pm only to have to leave for school at 6:45 the next morning. (Due to traffic) I would advise you to change the custody back to traditional before your child suffers anymore. That is so sad that your ex is only thinking about himself. I have no problem with dss coming to our house as a matter of fact I suggested he live here all the time but not in both places. Imagine if you had to change homes every 2-3 days you would be looking forward to the day this merry go round would stop. I would tell anyone never to agree to a 50/50 split it is not in your childs best interest. If you want request traditional visitation and give liberal visits based on what your child can accept. This is why most states have a presumptive against split residential custody as judges do not want to be responsible for such emotional child abuse.
Just lurking on this board, but you sound like a very wise, insightful stepmom.
BabyMamaPhD is offline  
Old 08-27-2008, 08:48 PM
 
azfiresmbm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 247
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
More than likely you ex is hurting inside and taking personally what the therapist is saying.

I would try to re-assure your ex that this is in no way a reflection on his parenting skills ..
Remind him that he is a great father and that his daughter loves him so very much .
Remind him that there is no hidden agenda on your part or the therapist part to take his daughter away from him ..
Remind him that HE is her father and nothing is ever going to change that ..
Remind him that NO one is trying to replace him
Remind him that right now, this very moment, reducing time will be helpful for his daughter, that his daughter is hurting inside and needs to find some balance in her young life .. Remind him that this is in NO way permanent .
USE the wording of HIS daughter or OUR daughter ,
(try not to use the word MY daughter)

I am so sorry that the custody agreement is not working..
Every child is different , every parent is different , every family is different..

We have 50/50 week on week off and it works AMAZINGLY well for us ..
My step-children have thrived on this custody agreement ..
The kids actually suggested it and set it in motion !!!!
azfiresmbm is offline  
Old 08-28-2008, 07:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
purplepetal21's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Floating down a river of bliss
Posts: 151
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Thank you all so very much!!!!

I have copied and pasted many your suggestions to put into our proposal. And yes, I am very supportive of his relationship with OUR daughter. I hope that he will one day believe this.

Thank you again!!!
purplepetal21 is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off