am I being unreasonable?(looooong.. epic really) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 06:54 AM - Thread Starter
 
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my XH has the boys every other Sunday for 5 hours. the order from the judge is VERY specific and says 12-5 on Sundays.

in the past i have acquiesced to him changing the day and the time based on what the kids had to do, so that he did not have to give up any of his parenting time (like moving it earlier so he wouldn't need to take one to practice, later so he wouldn't have to do music lesson, etc.)

well soccer season started 2 weeks ago. Sundays are game days. Saturdays are practices and music lessons. and in one week religious Ed starts on Saturdays. Soccer is over November 2nd? 5th? something like that.

I worked out a schedule where XH has one soccer visit and one non soccer visit that alternate. so one Sunday and one Saturday

I was trying to be fair and really thought it would be good male bonding time.
i was wrong I guess, and now XH is really mad.

he told the boys it was a waste of his visit to sit at the field all day. that he just wont do this "soccer thing."(air quotes and all) he complained his SO works nights (so do I) and needs sleep. they only have one car and he is tired so he needs to go home. (for the record I work nights too, i get it)
the kicker was telling the boys to tell me he will no longer pick them up for soccer. it doesn't work for him. they were also told they cannot talk to me at the field and left without saying goodbye. that was just rude.

XH and I met with the boys counselor to discuss the fact that under no circumstances are we to discuss adult disagreements with the boys.
he wants me to not be at the field when he is (not possible since my 4yo plays) plus the boys would be upset. now i do acknowledge the fact that when we got there AJ came over while Tyler was playing and sat with us to have some of the snacks. it was 5 minutes. we handed him a bunch of grapes told him to share them with his dad and sent him back over.

am I really that out of line for wanting to go to the games? for expecting him to do one soccer day a month and share in something his kids really LOVE?

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#2 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 07:03 AM
 
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my XH has the boys every other Sunday for 5 hours. the order from the judge is VERY specific and says 12-5 on Sundays.

he wants me to not be at the field when he is (not possible since my 4yo plays) plus the boys would be upset. now i do acknowledge the fact that when we got there AJ came over while Tyler was playing and sat with us to have some of the snacks. it was 5 minutes. we handed him a bunch of grapes told him to share them with his dad and sent him back over.

am I really that out of line for wanting to go to the games? for expecting him to do one soccer day a month and share in something his kids really LOVE?
No, you are not out of line for wanting to go to the games. BOTH parents should be at any and all games that they are able to attend. If you got close enough at one point to conceive said child(ren) then there is certainly room at an entire soccer field for the two of you to watch - from different areas if that is easier. He needs to grow up.

And no, it isn't expecting too much for him to do soccer one day a month for two months. But he can and will throw his weight around now because he is hurt, mad or both - and he can. While you were married, you had more say/power/control to get him to do xyz. But now you don't. I'd try to let go of things that you can't make him do - even if he should.

And I think all visitation schedules are very specific. You have two people who couldn't get along while married - if you put "five hours every other weekend on a mutually agreed upon time and day", you'd have an awful lot of bickering.

It sounds like you are being reasonable. Just keep trying. But I wouldn't stop going to the games. I think you handled the grapes situation just right.
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#3 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 08:04 AM
 
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I think he's being completely unreasonable. It sounds like you've bent over backwards to accomodate him, and that's still not enough for him.

I think if I were you, I'd point out that you've made things easier for him, but that if he's going to be a jerk about it, you can just go by the letter of the custody order, and remind him that by talking about the adult disagreements and using the kids as a go between, he's going against the orders of the boy's counselor, something that has serious repercussions for future visits.
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#4 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 10:03 AM
 
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We are the parents with very limited parenting time, so I have a different perspective.

If I had ten hours a month with my children, I would be protective of that time, too. To you it is just one day a month... To him it is 50% of his parenting time. And now, from his point of view, he is sharing that half of his parenting time with you because of course the kids are going to want to see you or talk to you while you are there. Again, if I only have 5 hours, 5 minutes sitting with you seems like a LOT of my time, especially since it is being spent with the person who has SO much time with them.

The time from 12-5 every other Sunday is HIS parenting time, and, in my opinion, you shouldn't schedule things for that time without his consent ahead of time. If it is unavoidable to schedule things on the weekends, then he should have the option of doing them on his weekends or not. He can agree to different parenting time so the kids don't miss activities, or he can decide they will miss it when it is his weekend... but I see it as HIS choice because it is HIS parenting time. It needs to be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time and presented to the boys in a way that doesn't paint either one of you as the "bad guy."

I acknowledge that I don't see things from my step-daughter's mom's point of view, and I also know that she has NO understanding of what it's like to be in our position-- she can't fathom why we fight so hard about whether she picks my step-daughter up at 6am or at 10am... but when your time is SO limited, every minute counts.

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#5 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 10:43 AM
 
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He is being unreasonable and completely out of line in discussing this with your kids. He needs to grow up and put the kids first. Not allowing you to come to the soccer games because it is "his time" is not what is best for the kids. The kids will care that you are not there, they don't, and shouldn't, understand that it is "dad's time" so mom can't show up at soccer games. To expect the kids not to talk to you if you are there is insane and immature and the fact that he said that to the kids shows his priority is not the children, but the ownership of "his time". How great is it for your kids that both parents can be at their soccer games, at the same time? If the kids soccer is on Sundays and during "dad's time" but dad doesn't want to participate the kids should suffer? It sounds like a control issue, shocker, and I think you should keep going to the games and not allow him to banish your children from talking to you.
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#6 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 11:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by aricha View Post
We are the parents with very limited parenting time, so I have a different perspective.

If I had ten hours a month with my children, I would be protective of that time, too. To you it is just one day a month... To him it is 50% of his parenting time. And now, from his point of view, he is sharing that half of his parenting time with you because of course the kids are going to want to see you or talk to you while you are there. Again, if I only have 5 hours, 5 minutes sitting with you seems like a LOT of my time, especially since it is being spent with the person who has SO much time with them.

The time from 12-5 every other Sunday is HIS parenting time, and, in my opinion, you shouldn't schedule things for that time without his consent ahead of time. If it is unavoidable to schedule things on the weekends, then he should have the option of doing them on his weekends or not. He can agree to different parenting time so the kids don't miss activities, or he can decide they will miss it when it is his weekend... but I see it as HIS choice because it is HIS parenting time. It needs to be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time and presented to the boys in a way that doesn't paint either one of you as the "bad guy."

I acknowledge that I don't see things from my step-daughter's mom's point of view, and I also know that she has NO understanding of what it's like to be in our position-- she can't fathom why we fight so hard about whether she picks my step-daughter up at 6am or at 10am... but when your time is SO limited, every minute counts.
i agree that if dh and i only had his kids for 10 hours a month we would not want there to be any activities at all during that time that our family didnt choose together. i am sure you and your xh have reasons for his extremely limited parenting time... but really 10 hours a month?!? i know its not my bussiness but unless my kids dad beat him up or was a drug addict or some other extreme thing i would not limit parenting time to 10 hours a month. i think thats very sad for the kids to only see their dad that amount of time.
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#7 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 11:57 AM
 
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Coming from the same POV as aricha, I totally agree with her point of his parenting time not being decided by you. You should discuss and make decisions on the kids activities together if it is going to take any of his time. kwim

I do think his behavior is ridiculous, though. He should not be involving the kids in your disagreements or being petty about your son sitting with you for a few minutes. My DSD would do that at games all of us attended, too. No big deal. However, you already have him on the defensive about protecting his time. So, I can see how he would blow something like that out of proportion. That does not make it right in the least, just understandable.

Try to come at things if you were in the reverse position, and he was loading up your limited time with your sons. Do you think it would be overstepping a bit?

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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#8 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 12:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by aricha View Post
We are the parents with very limited parenting time, so I have a different perspective.

If I had ten hours a month with my children, I would be protective of that time, too. To you it is just one day a month... To him it is 50% of his parenting time. And now, from his point of view, he is sharing that half of his parenting time with you because of course the kids are going to want to see you or talk to you while you are there. Again, if I only have 5 hours, 5 minutes sitting with you seems like a LOT of my time, especially since it is being spent with the person who has SO much time with them.

The time from 12-5 every other Sunday is HIS parenting time, and, in my opinion, you shouldn't schedule things for that time without his consent ahead of time. If it is unavoidable to schedule things on the weekends, then he should have the option of doing them on his weekends or not. He can agree to different parenting time so the kids don't miss activities, or he can decide they will miss it when it is his weekend... but I see it as HIS choice because it is HIS parenting time. It needs to be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time and presented to the boys in a way that doesn't paint either one of you as the "bad guy."

I acknowledge that I don't see things from my step-daughter's mom's point of view, and I also know that she has NO understanding of what it's like to be in our position-- she can't fathom why we fight so hard about whether she picks my step-daughter up at 6am or at 10am... but when your time is SO limited, every minute counts.
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Originally Posted by aricha View Post
We are the parents with very limited parenting time, so I have a different perspective.

If I had ten hours a month with my children, I would be protective of that time, too. To you it is just one day a month... To him it is 50% of his parenting time. And now, from his point of view, he is sharing that half of his parenting time with you because of course the kids are going to want to see you or talk to you while you are there. Again, if I only have 5 hours, 5 minutes sitting with you seems like a LOT of my time, especially since it is being spent with the person who has SO much time with them.

The time from 12-5 every other Sunday is HIS parenting time, and, in my opinion, you shouldn't schedule things for that time without his consent ahead of time. If it is unavoidable to schedule things on the weekends, then he should have the option of doing them on his weekends or not. He can agree to different parenting time so the kids don't miss activities, or he can decide they will miss it when it is his weekend... but I see it as HIS choice because it is HIS parenting time. It needs to be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time and presented to the boys in a way that doesn't paint either one of you as the "bad guy."

I acknowledge that I don't see things from my step-daughter's mom's point of view, and I also know that she has NO understanding of what it's like to be in our position-- she can't fathom why we fight so hard about whether she picks my step-daughter up at 6am or at 10am... but when your time is SO limited, every minute counts.
As a non-custodial Stepmother, I completely understand and agree with this point of view. If we only have my stepdaughter for a short period of time, and during that period of time, my stepdaughter's Mother chose what activity we would be doing and, of course, would be there, as well, so it really wouldn't be "our" parenting time, yeah, that's be frustrating, for me as well as my Hubby, if we were in that situation. The non-custodial parent is supposed to be able to "parent". It does not sound like he feels like he's able to "parent", more like he feels like he's being made into a "visiting uncle" who shows up at half his child's games. Know what I mean/

That being said, for him to discuss it with the kids, or even in front of the kids, is wrong. :

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He is being unreasonable and completely out of line in discussing this with your kids. He needs to grow up and put the kids first. Not allowing you to come to the soccer games because it is "his time" is not what is best for the kids. The kids will care that you are not there, they don't, and shouldn't, understand that it is "dad's time" so mom can't show up at soccer games. To expect the kids not to talk to you if you are there is insane and immature and the fact that he said that to the kids shows his priority is not the children, but the ownership of "his time". How great is it for your kids that both parents can be at their soccer games, at the same time? If the kids soccer is on Sundays and during "dad's time" but dad doesn't want to participate the kids should suffer? It sounds like a control issue, shocker, and I think you should keep going to the games and not allow him to banish your children from talking to you.
If both parents are there, it does the children no good to forbid the children to talk to their other children. I think the Mother should keep going to the games (and the Father to be allowed to go to the games when it's not "his" time, as well, if he wants), and maybe they can find a way where the Father can have some other time to parent the kids without feeling like he has to compete for the children's attention during "his" time because their Mother is there? Some other activity for just him and the kids, during "his" time?

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#9 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 01:17 PM
 
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When the dsc have soccer games music recitals etc. they were HURT when their mother did not show up if it was not her weekend. ( not that she bothered often on her weekend but that's another story ) Both parents need to be there period. This is about the children. It's unfourtunate that your ex doesn't have a lot of time with his son but when it comes to games and such parents, grandparents, uncles . . . the family shows up to cheer them on !
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#10 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 02:09 PM
 
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When the dsc have soccer games music recitals etc. they were HURT when their mother did not show up if it was not her weekend. ( not that she bothered often on her weekend but that's another story ) Both parents need to be there period. This is about the children. It's unfourtunate that your ex doesn't have a lot of time with his son but when it comes to games and such parents, grandparents, uncles . . . the family shows up to cheer them on !
DSD was upset that her mother never showed up for games on our weekend, too. We were at every game beccause it is about DSD. I think it is wrong to forbid the other from going when it isn't there weekend. He is being childish in that respect.

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#11 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 02:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by aricha View Post
We are the parents with very limited parenting time, so I have a different perspective.

If I had ten hours a month with my children, I would be protective of that time, too. To you it is just one day a month... To him it is 50% of his parenting time. And now, from his point of view, he is sharing that half of his parenting time with you because of course the kids are going to want to see you or talk to you while you are there. Again, if I only have 5 hours, 5 minutes sitting with you seems like a LOT of my time, especially since it is being spent with the person who has SO much time with them.

The time from 12-5 every other Sunday is HIS parenting time, and, in my opinion, you shouldn't schedule things for that time without his consent ahead of time. If it is unavoidable to schedule things on the weekends, then he should have the option of doing them on his weekends or not. He can agree to different parenting time so the kids don't miss activities, or he can decide they will miss it when it is his weekend... but I see it as HIS choice because it is HIS parenting time. It needs to be discussed and agreed upon ahead of time and presented to the boys in a way that doesn't paint either one of you as the "bad guy."

I acknowledge that I don't see things from my step-daughter's mom's point of view, and I also know that she has NO understanding of what it's like to be in our position-- she can't fathom why we fight so hard about whether she picks my step-daughter up at 6am or at 10am... but when your time is SO limited, every minute counts.
I get where you are coming from really. he did agree that the kids should do soccer since they love it, they have been begging for years. it's their first year. he knew up front that games were on Sundays and agreed to take them originally but now that the time is here he is having a fit. the kids play one after the other, I really thought it would be good to give him one on one time with each child. I guess I would feel worse if he did actually DO something with the kids. but he doesn't he sits them in front of the TV and usually goes hang out with his neighbors. he has gotten better since he is in therapy with the kids and they expressed how they felt about it.

5 minutes did probably seem like a lot to him given the limited time. when we pulled up dad was on his cell and smoking a cigarette and AJ was no where near him really. when dad came back over DH and I sent him there.

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i agree that if dh and i only had his kids for 10 hours a month we would not want there to be any activities at all during that time that our family didnt choose together. i am sure you and your xh have reasons for his extremely limited parenting time... but really 10 hours a month?!? i know its not my bussiness but unless my kids dad beat him up or was a drug addict or some other extreme thing i would not limit parenting time to 10 hours a month. i think thats very sad for the kids to only see their dad that amount of time.
I didn't make the decision. the judge did. I had no control over it. he didnt see the boys for a long time. had supervised visits and refused them. chose not to see his kids unless he could have it his way. he made some bad choices and it resulted in him being arrested. without really saying too much it is a safety issue. so yes the limited time is necessary

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Coming from the same POV as aricha, I totally agree with her point of his parenting time not being decided by you. You should discuss and make decisions on the kids activities together if it is going to take any of his time. kwim

I do think his behavior is ridiculous, though. He should not be involving the kids in your disagreements or being petty about your son sitting with you for a few minutes. My DSD would do that at games all of us attended, too. No big deal. However, you already have him on the defensive about protecting his time. So, I can see how he would blow something like that out of proportion. That does not make it right in the least, just understandable.

Try to come at things if you were in the reverse position, and he was loading up your limited time with your sons. Do you think it would be overstepping a bit?
i personally would love to enjoy something with my kids that they love. during the school week down time is in short supply as well. Not the same I get that but It's all I have for reference. I make the most out of activities and the time I have with the children who aren't involved in it.


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Originally Posted by harleyhalfmoon View Post
As a non-custodial Stepmother, I completely understand and agree with this point of view. If we only have my stepdaughter for a short period of time, and during that period of time, my stepdaughter's Mother chose what activity we would be doing and, of course, would be there, as well, so it really wouldn't be "our" parenting time, yeah, that's be frustrating, for me as well as my Hubby, if we were in that situation. The non-custodial parent is supposed to be able to "parent". It does not sound like he feels like he's able to "parent", more like he feels like he's being made into a "visiting uncle" who shows up at half his child's games. Know what I mean/

That being said, for him to discuss it with the kids, or even in front of the kids, is wrong. :



If both parents are there, it does the children no good to forbid the children to talk to their other children. I think the Mother should keep going to the games (and the Father to be allowed to go to the games when it's not "his" time, as well, if he wants), and maybe they can find a way where the Father can have some other time to parent the kids without feeling like he has to compete for the children's attention during "his" time because their Mother is there? Some other activity for just him and the kids, during "his" time?
we have given him the game times and dates. he is always welcome to come. countless baseball games (he came to 2) basketball games (came to 3) and concerts. he shows no interest in being there. he could essentially see them just about every night of the week during the school year. he chooses not to. he does not work. he boasts how he takes his SO son to practices and games and that really makes the kids sad. I would like him to be more present in their lives, safely. he never calls them, emails them. nothing. he is a non entity until His day. we have the boys call him all the time and he never answers or calls back. it makes me sad

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#12 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 02:28 PM
 
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I personally think its crazy to think a father should dictate the son's lives. Its their time too, not just "his" time. They aren't anyone';s possessions. If kids wanna play soccer and there's a chance for them to, then they should. Both parents sacrifice parenting time in favor of activities like sports, music, etc. They do it because its in the best interest of the children....Which is who this is about after all.

OP, I totally think its reasonable to both be present, and for him to have the option to be present when the kids have games not on his day. I'm sorry this has to be so hard on everyone involved!
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#13 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 04:34 PM
 
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I would like him to be more present in their lives, safely. he never calls them, emails them. nothing. he is a non entity until His day. we have the boys call him all the time and he never answers or calls back. it makes me sad
That IS sad.

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#14 of 21 Old 08-30-2008, 06:38 PM
 
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I personally think its crazy to think a father should dictate the son's lives. Its their time too, not just "his" time. They aren't anyone';s possessions. If kids wanna play soccer and there's a chance for them to, then they should. Both parents sacrifice parenting time in favor of activities like sports, music, etc. They do it because its in the best interest of the children....Which is who this is about after all.

OP, I totally think its reasonable to both be present, and for him to have the option to be present when the kids have games not on his day. I'm sorry this has to be so hard on everyone involved!
That's what I was thinking with all this HIS time and HER time. Do only kids in intact families get THEIR time? The kids aren't the ones who made the choice to need to have HIS and HER time and they shouldn't have to pay for it any more than is absolutely necessary.
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#15 of 21 Old 09-03-2008, 03:21 PM
 
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The reality is, for working parents especially, all parenting time is limited to some extent. And this becomes even more true as kids get older and develop their own interests and relationships outside the family. For working moms, they get to see their kids a couple of hours each evening, which is mostly filled with homework, getting stuff for school together, hopefully a meal together. Weekend time is prime time for both parents and weekends are also when kids tend to have a lot of activities. I agree with not loading up a kid with excess activities, but kids will have things they want to do on weekends. They should be allowed to do that stuff and be supported by both their parents (and step-parents). The plus side is that activities of the kids are things that both parents can attend together. Going to games and practices and supervising homework and just being around ARE parenting activities. It's what parents do. If you listen to the OP's first post, this is obviously what she's spending her weekends doing: taking the kids to practice, religious class and games. In between you talk in the car, during breaks, you show your kids you care by being at their games, etc. That's what parenting time is.

I also really don't get the idea that a kid could/should miss games on weekend's he's with his dad. That just seems destructive to the kid. I would think a kid would eventually rebel against such a situation.

I DO think in these situations, it's worth cooperating to find ways to have non-game time with the children - whether that's extending the visit by a few hours so they can hang out before or after the games or finding another time - maybe a weeknight that the dad can pick the kid up for a few hours. But it sounds like the OP has tried to be reasonable about this and there are real reasons in this instance for the parenting time to be limited. I think the question does come down to what's best for the kids.
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#16 of 21 Old 09-03-2008, 03:40 PM
 
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The reality is, for working parents especially, all parenting time is limited to some extent. And this becomes even more true as kids get older and develop their own interests and relationships outside the family. For working moms, they get to see their kids a couple of hours each evening, which is mostly filled with homework, getting stuff for school together, hopefully a meal together. Weekend time is prime time for both parents and weekends are also when kids tend to have a lot of activities. I agree with not loading up a kid with excess activities, but kids will have things they want to do on weekends. They should be allowed to do that stuff and be supported by both their parents (and step-parents). The plus side is that activities of the kids are things that both parents can attend together. Going to games and practices and supervising homework and just being around ARE parenting activities. It's what parents do. If you listen to the OP's first post, this is obviously what she's spending her weekends doing: taking the kids to practice, religious class and games. In between you talk in the car, during breaks, you show your kids you care by being at their games, etc. That's what parenting time is.

I also really don't get the idea that a kid could/should miss games on weekend's he's with his dad. That just seems destructive to the kid. I would think a kid would eventually rebel against such a situation.

I DO think in these situations, it's worth cooperating to find ways to have non-game time with the children - whether that's extending the visit by a few hours so they can hang out before or after the games or finding another time - maybe a weeknight that the dad can pick the kid up for a few hours. But it sounds like the OP has tried to be reasonable about this and there are real reasons in this instance for the parenting time to be limited. I think the question does come down to what's best for the kids.
I agree with this... Kids should have their activities.. it's part of being a kid... but in same regard, when you are a non-custodial parent and if your entire alloted visit time is taken up with an acitivity... you have gotten no time to talk or play or bond with child and that isn't cool at all.

Is there a way to extend his visits? If he can only have them 5 hours, why not 5 hours after the game to do dinner or something?

It's just awfully sad that he has to give up his whole time to just watch his kids and not be able to interact.

You said he seems to not interact when given the time... perhaps because he feels at a loss? He may be depressed thinking how can he possibly bond with only 10 hours a month? It has to be super stressful for him.

Not totally sticking up for him.. as he is an adult and should come to terms with what his actions have caused for him... but I think it could help to at least let him do dinner or ice cream or something after the game with the kids... kwim?

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#17 of 21 Old 09-03-2008, 04:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
I agree with this... Kids should have their activities.. it's part of being a kid... but in same regard, when you are a non-custodial parent and if your entire alloted visit time is taken up with an acitivity... you have gotten no time to talk or play or bond with child and that isn't cool at all.

Is there a way to extend his visits? If he can only have them 5 hours, why not 5 hours after the game to do dinner or something?

It's just awfully sad that he has to give up his whole time to just watch his kids and not be able to interact.

You said he seems to not interact when given the time... perhaps because he feels at a loss? He may be depressed thinking how can he possibly bond with only 10 hours a month? It has to be super stressful for him.

Not totally sticking up for him.. as he is an adult and should come to terms with what his actions have caused for him... but I think it could help to at least let him do dinner or ice cream or something after the game with the kids... kwim?
we have offered to extend the visits. unfortunatly he thinks then he doesnt need to ever go to a game or anything. It is 2 hours out of his five. each game last 1 hour and he can have one on one time with each child while the other plays. he chooses to be on his cell phone. I am really frustrated with the situation. he does have dinner with the kids after the games and I would never flip over him being late if dinner ran over.

the other side of this issue is as it is the kids dont want to be there. he isn't particularly nice to them. they love LOVE his SO. it isn't a new thing with them not wanting to go . he did once upon a time have EOW and wednesdays.

this whole thing makes me so angry sometimes. I really have tried so hard to try to help their relationship. The judge at one point was ready to tell him he was done seeing the kids completely. I spoke up and asked the judge not to do that. to let the boys try therapy first with dad so maybe he could see how his lack of effort hurts them. he is now trying to weasel out of therapy saying his insurance wont pay for it. so again I offered to pay for it, he refused. I cant make him do more with them

i dont think the issue is so much that it takes up his parenting time (in his case) i think it is more so that it takes effort to go to a game and be present with others watching. I want him to be with them, however the few times i have let him take them extra time( their birthdays, easter) he threw it back at me in court and the judge was not happy. I cant win.

like I said he is always welcome at practices, lessons, even our house for goodness sake. he doesn't bother until 'his" time.

as far as being depressed. he has borderline personality dissorder and is even on dissability. so yes he has some mental health issues that are making being a parent very hard. that is one thing I cant fix for him.

i do appreciate your insight. thanks

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#18 of 21 Old 09-03-2008, 04:23 PM
 
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That is so sad. I am so sorry for you and your boys. How frustrating! It sounds like you have really tried to work with him.

I can't imagine why he would not want to go and support his boys! Very sad.

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#19 of 21 Old 09-03-2008, 06:57 PM
 
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without going into too much personal detail i can attest to and sympathize with how difficult it must be to coparent with someone with borderline personality disorder. you are right in that you cant fix that for him. so dad doesnt want the kids more often? i guess from reading the original posts i thought he was saying he wanted more time with the kids, but you said he had his eow and wed relinquished? not sure if that was his choice or judges choice but if it was his choice that is awful. i cannot imagine only seeing my kid 5 hours twice a month, it would break my heart. but it sounds like perhaps the dad has made some bad choices that you cant change for him.
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#20 of 21 Old 09-03-2008, 08:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
That is so sad. I am so sorry for you and your boys. How frustrating! It sounds like you have really tried to work with him.

I can't imagine why he would not want to go and support his boys! Very sad.
it makes me sad to see how angry my boys get with his lack of effort. I'm a big girl as much as it frustrates me I can cope. I just hate what it does to the boys.

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Originally Posted by arismama! View Post
without going into too much personal detail i can attest to and sympathize with how difficult it must be to coparent with someone with borderline personality disorder. you are right in that you cant fix that for him. so dad doesn't want the kids more often? i guess from reading the original posts i thought he was saying he wanted more time with the kids, but you said he had his eow and wed relinquished? not sure if that was his choice or judges choice but if it was his choice that is awful. i cannot imagine only seeing my kid 5 hours twice a month, it would break my heart. but it sounds like perhaps the dad has made some bad choices that you cant change for him.
it was sort of a joint thing. between his refusal to do the things he needed to, the choices he has made, and the tantrums he throws he ended up with nothing. he had EOW and Wednesdays and had them supervised but refused if he couldn't have them alone.
he had a chance to get them back unsupervised but refused to pay the GAL that was to look into his choices and how it effects the kids.I even offered to pay it for him. the judge gave him one year, he refused. now when it came down to it I asked the judge to at least give him something. he got therapy with them and has moved up to 5hrs every other sunday

he frequently complains about not having time with the boys because he realized not picking them up didn't get me angry. he knows I worry because of the choices he has made that could very well signal potential issues.

his lack of willingness to put up effort frustrates me.

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#21 of 21 Old 09-04-2008, 09:36 AM
 
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I really agree with both sides of the issue. Even as a custodial Mom, I believe that Dad should be the one to schedule what happens during his visitation time. If that means the kiddos have to miss an activity a few times, then that's how life goes. I always made a point of speaking with the coaches to let them know the situation, and neither kid was penalized for missing games due to going to their Dad's. Lots of kids are in the same situation, and in rec play, coaches accommodate. #1 isn't particularly athletic anyway, so has never become more competitive. Although he is involved in other activities (drama & music). #2 is much more athletically inclined and does play competitively (as well as other activities). They both make their own arrangements with their Dad at this point. They offer to go more often outside of those activities, but that's not usually taken up.

As a parent, I do think that kids should be allowed to try different activities that they think they'd enjoy, and that part of our job as their parents is to support them in that. But you can't force the other parent to feel the same way. So you have to work around it.
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