Becky finally told her dad why - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 25 Old 08-30-2008, 09:08 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Yesterday DH called Becky on the phone to see if she was going to come for his holiday visitation. She flat out told him no. He said ok can you at least talk to me and tell me why. She said you know why? He said no you have never come right out and gave me a reason. She said if you haven't figured out by now its your problem.

So he did like he was suppose to and still drove to her house to at least try to exercise his visitation. She again told him flat out she was not coming.

He said ok can you tell me why and she said yes your wife. I have been telling him since all of this started that she was going to say I was the reason. He said ok what did barbee do thats made you feel this way. She said I am sick and tired of her yelling at me and putting my family down. He said ok when did she do that and all she could say was you know.

The last time that Becky and I clashed with each other was when she called me the C word on the phone to her boyfriend and I heard it when I walked past her door. I did not say anything immediately and then after stewing about it for a while I made up my mind I was not keeping quiet. I walked into our home and said nobody but nobody calls me the C word. The rest is pretty much a blurr but I know that DH had a talk with her about it and told her that he was not putting up with her making reference to me like that. He said you have absolutely no problem letting barbee buy you things but you can call her bad names.

Anyway so he finally heard what I told him all along he would. He said he asked her he said ok how about I come and take you out to dinner and spend some time with you, just the two of us or come to school and have lunch with you. She said absolutely not. She said until you get her out of your house I will not be back.

I suggested leaving and left it at that.

What would you ladies do?
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#2 of 25 Old 08-31-2008, 04:45 PM
 
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What would you ladies do?
Wow. First, I'm sorry you're going through this. Sounds like DSD has a serious jealousy issue. And what I would do is encourage my husband to have visits with his daughter, and I don't have to be on those visits. I do think that it sounds like she is resentful of you-

Having been on the other end of this, biomom accused me of stealing her husband (which is 100% not true- they were divorced) and the kids bought it. So, daughter who is 23 still does not come around. Is it possible that she blames you for the divorce? (whether true or not)

Hard to accept. But it also sounds like your husband is supporting you, your position in the family, and it must be hard for him. She will either come around or she won't- I don't mean to sound harsh about it, but there seriously is nothing you can do about it. It's a problem that she is having, and until she works it out, it's just not going anywhere. Dad/husband might be able to help her work through her issues. I doubt if she'd agree to counseling, based on the limited info.

BUT!!!! That being said, DON'T OFFER TO WALK OUT AGAIN. This is your husband, and this is your family. Your marriage should not be manipulated or controlled by your step daughter.

So, I would (and have) let it be known that I was available to accompany any time that I was invited, not force myself into the situation, and support my husband through a very, very difficult time. But I would not let it ruin my marriage.

IMO, she sounds like she is acting out, like a spoiled brat. No one gets to call you names in your house- that is an unhealthy environment. And I'm glad that you stood up for yourself. Have you guys been married long?

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#3 of 25 Old 08-31-2008, 07:52 PM
 
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That sounds awful and scary, but the other commenter was right, I believe, in writing that your marriage cannot be ruled by a child.

I was wondering if the visit is in a court agreement. I mean, does she have a choice to do the visit or not? I might have missed her age, but if she has a BF and is calling you C***, then I am assuming she is a teen.

There is always therapy.

Honestly, I would feel terrible, and I would offer to leave, but I agree that isn't the answer. I hope this situation improves soon for everyone's sake.
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#4 of 25 Old 08-31-2008, 08:13 PM
 
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I agree that your DSD has really overstepped her boundries as a child. She should not be the one to dictate whether you are in the picture or not. Now, that is not to say that a compromise can not be reached with her as far as visitation is concerned in order to keep her relationship with her father going, especially given that she is older. I mean, she will soon be an adult and can decide things for herself. Hopefully, they will be able to salvage something of their relationship before then.

From the other thread, it seems like your DH is stuck in a major power struggle with his DD. She knows just how to push his buttons and he takes the bait everytime. He should really consider going to therapy, probably on his own, in order to work through his role as her father. He alone can change his behavior in ways that will improve their relationship, especially with regards to how he reats to her. He should really look into that.

I think working with her on how to have some visitation would probably be the respectful thing to do. Her mother should also be backing him up with having her follow through on visits. Compromising can be key. Dinners out. Afernoons hanging, shopping together, etc. could be a solution for now until they can rebuild their the relationship.

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#5 of 25 Old 08-31-2008, 11:18 PM
 
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I don't think your marriage should be ruled by a child. But I do think that it might be worth working on improving your relationship with DSD. Even if she's obnoxious, even if it takes a really long time, even if you have to eat humble pie and consider that perhaps at some point you said things you shouldn't have and she's never forgiven you. She may feel alienated and like she's been demoted.

It's not helping her, your husband, or your marriage by just leaving. Perhaps it might be worth your husband and DSD going on a two week vacation together, just the two of them, to get some one on one. It will clear the air, they can work out their issues. Then spend some time with her having a heart to heart that you want your marriage to work but without working her out of the picture. Let her know you really do want her to have a very important place in the family. It won't happen right away, you'll have to prove she's loved over time. But I think it would be worth the effort.
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#6 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 02:41 AM
 
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It sounds like some family therapy is in order. There may be some deep seated resentments that you aren't aware of. In no way should a child be controlling the situation. Unless and until the courts allow her to choose where she wants to go, don't give her the choice, and explain to her that she can either come along of her own free will, or she can come because she has a police escort (which you can have ordered if this continues).

If the biomom won't stand behind your dh on this then she could be in danger of losing custody all together.

I'm sorry you're going through all this, I hope it gets resolved soon.
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#7 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 03:59 AM
 
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MDC is a place where we are respectful of children and view them as people with rights. The idea that we don't care how children feel and that they should not have any control over what goes on around them and can and should be dragged by police to a place where they feel disrespected and disregarded (I am not placing any judgements about what is really going on) is revolting. That is not responsible parenting. Is this all just about HIS time and HER time or are the children considered in here somewhere? Family therapy obviously needs to happen here but starting out from the viewpoint that the dsd is awful and jealous and just trying to manipulate is not productive. She may have reasons for feeling the way she does that others may not agree with or understand but they are still her feelings and being dragged somewhere by the police is not likely to heal her.
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#8 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 04:46 AM
 
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MDC is a place where we are respectful of children and view them as people with rights. The idea that we don't care how children feel and that they should not have any control over what goes on around them and can and should be dragged by police to a place where they feel disrespected and disregarded (I am not placing any judgements about what is really going on) is revolting. That is not responsible parenting. Is this all just about HIS time and HER time or are the children considered in here somewhere? Family therapy obviously needs to happen here but starting out from the viewpoint that the dsd is awful and jealous and just trying to manipulate is not productive. She may have reasons for feeling the way she does that others may not agree with or understand but they are still her feelings and being dragged somewhere by the police is not likely to heal her.

If your child went to a trusted friend's home and then refused to come home and the friend refused to make her leave, you'd call the police to have her escorted home, wouldn't you? The only difference in the scenario is that the person enabling this girl to not go home to her father's house is her mother.

Yes, children have rights. They have the right to be safe, loved and well-cared for. They do not have the right to blatantly disregard the decisions of their parents and the decisions of the court.

I already stated that family counseling is definitely in order. No matter what the final conclusion is, this girl needs some counseling to deal with her issues with her stepmother.
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#9 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 08:48 AM
 
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MDC is a place where we are respectful of children and view them as people with rights. The idea that we don't care how children feel and that they should not have any control over what goes on around them and can and should be dragged by police to a place where they feel disrespected and disregarded (I am not placing any judgements about what is really going on) is revolting. That is not responsible parenting. Is this all just about HIS time and HER time or are the children considered in here somewhere? Family therapy obviously needs to happen here but starting out from the viewpoint that the dsd is awful and jealous and just trying to manipulate is not productive. She may have reasons for feeling the way she does that others may not agree with or understand but they are still her feelings and being dragged somewhere by the police is not likely to heal her.
I totally agree. Even if she is a teen, she is still a child in a very adult situation and power struggle.

As far as the OP overhearing her DSD calling her a name to a friend on the phone, this was a private conversation she was having with a friend, she wasn't calling her a name to her face. Perhaps its the only place DSD has to vent, and she has to know deal with her stepmom overhearing what was a private conversation? Not going to help the situation. I am sure everyone here at some point as a teen complained to a friend (in confidence) about their parents, and maybe even called them names. Its not nice and I can imagine that the OP's feelings were hurt or it made her angry, but it was a conversation that her DSD was having with a friend, she thought it was a private conversation. I can understand DSD having resentment at being reprimanded for something she said in a private conversation to a friend. There is no way she will not think that her stepmom wasn't eavesdropping and heard it in passing. Let's try to put ourselves in DSD place for a moment and not jump to negative conclusions about her immediately.
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#10 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 09:02 AM
 
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MDC is a place where we are respectful of children and view them as people with rights. The idea that we don't care how children feel and that they should not have any control over what goes on around them and can and should be dragged by police to a place where they feel disrespected and disregarded (I am not placing any judgements about what is really going on) is revolting. That is not responsible parenting. Is this all just about HIS time and HER time or are the children considered in here somewhere? Family therapy obviously needs to happen here but starting out from the viewpoint that the dsd is awful and jealous and just trying to manipulate is not productive. She may have reasons for feeling the way she does that others may not agree with or understand but they are still her feelings and being dragged somewhere by the police is not likely to heal her.
Bolding is mine.
You bring up some good points. And I don't think her mother would lose custody out of punishment when the daughter does not want to visit her father. If that's true, I'm skeered. The daughter is a teen, no? So she may be within her legal rights. The daughter might have some valid points to back up her feelings but is frustrated that she's invalidated because she's a "child." So now she's making a loud and clear message.

I think Dad humbly and lovingly approaching his daughter would be far more effective than any behavioral management.
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#11 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 02:01 PM
 
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I didn't read the replies, but here is my take on it...

Before I moved in (about 5-6 years ago?), dsd told her dad that she will not come over to visit him if I do move in. He said he loves her very much, will pick her up whenever she wants to, but will not force her to come over if she doesn't feel like it.

It was so hard to hear that I was the reason why she didn't want to visit... Anyway, fast forward a few years ahead, dsd lives with us full-time, and I am the least of her problems.

What I am trying to say, these comments do not doom the relationship, it is just something that you have to work through with a lot of patience and humility, and biting of tongue, and endless love.

Here is what I would do in your shoes:

* If dsd wants to come over, she has to expect to spend at least some of the time as a family unit: you, her dad and herself.

* I would (and I did) look for opportunities to spend some time with dsd alone to develop relationship with her. It can be as simple as grocery shopping, to making a dinner, to taking her to the mall (because her dad is "busy", and she can only have you for a company or not go at all).

* I would allow some meaningful father-daughter time whenever she comes over, so that she doesn't feel threatened in her relationship with her dad, and can see that you can give them some space.

* I would (and I did) looked for fun projects that I knew would catch her interest, and would offer for her to take part in them, but never insisted. She doesn't always join (especially now, being a teenager), but when she does, it's priceless bonding time.

* Make every decision out of love and fairness. It's not fair for her to demand for you to be "gone" unless you mistreat her, of course. Assuming you treat her with love and respect - you stay, and the ball is back in her court. She can choose to come over, and she will be treated with affection, or she can choose to pout, and keep her distance for a while, but she will know deep inside where the truth lies.

* Don't give her any reason to point a finger at you. Don't yell, don't use sarcasm, don't step into her discussions with her dad. Baby steps count in these situations.

* If you do the right thing, you have no reasons to worry, because frankly, what else can you do? The kids make choices of their own, just as we do, and our job is to love and to set an example worthy following. If our dsd doesn't make the right choice, it's okay. Just be ready for the day when she wakes up, and realizes it wasn't worth the fight, and you are not that bad of a person after all...

*HUGS*

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#12 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 02:20 PM
 
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Okay... I read the responses... and have something to add.

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I totally agree. Even if she is a teen, she is still a child in a very adult situation and power struggle.

As far as the OP overhearing her DSD calling her a name to a friend on the phone, this was a private conversation she was having with a friend, she wasn't calling her a name to her face. Perhaps its the only place DSD has to vent, and she has to know deal with her stepmom overhearing what was a private conversation? Not going to help the situation. I am sure everyone here at some point as a teen complained to a friend (in confidence) about their parents, and maybe even called them names. Its not nice and I can imagine that the OP's feelings were hurt or it made her angry, but it was a conversation that her DSD was having with a friend, she thought it was a private conversation. I can understand DSD having resentment at being reprimanded for something she said in a private conversation to a friend. There is no way she will not think that her stepmom wasn't eavesdropping and heard it in passing. Let's try to put ourselves in DSD place for a moment and not jump to negative conclusions about her immediately.
I agree with the fact that child's feelings should be taken into consideration, and that everyone deserves a place to vent, but I never called dsd names even when I vented about my difficulties with her. Nor have I ever called my parents names, nor my siblings, nor even the people I dislike. If I overheard dsd calling anyone (not just myself) c*** making excuses for how justified her feelings are would not be the first thing that would pop into my mind.

Just because it's MDC, I disagree that adults have no feelings, or that a child's comment that is calling a family member a c*** are in "well, maybe she was upset", and "you weren't supposed to hear that anyway" category.

It's not okay, no matter how upset you are, no matter what the other person did. Treating each other with dignity and respect applies to both adults AND children, and ignoring C*** comment just because you were not meant to hear it is not a healthy way of dealing with the issue, imho. Living in the same house you overhear things, naturally. I don't bring stuff up if it was not meant for my ears... Now... dsd never called me c*** (that I heard of? ).

If it happened in this house, I would ask dsd's dad to have a VERY long conversation with dsd. It's not about "expressing one's dissapointment", it's about showing zero respect to another human being. It might be justified in other households, but it will not be justified in this one.

Expressing being upset with someone? Okay.
Calling someone a c*** is FAR from okay.
Did the stepmom do something to deserve the c*** word? I don't know. I was raised to believe that no one deserves that kind of treatment.

Should the stepmom examine how she treats her dsd? Yes she should, every day. But that's very different from telling her "she shouldn't have eavesdropped anyway". I just can't imagine a happy family where things like this are ignored.

my 2 cents

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#13 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 02:52 PM
 
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Okay... I read the responses... and have something to add.



I agree with the fact that child's feelings should be taken into consideration, and that everyone deserves a place to vent, but I never called dsd names even when I vented about my difficulties with her. Nor have I ever called my parents names, nor my siblings, nor even the people I dislike. If I overheard dsd calling anyone (not just myself) c*** making excuses for how justified her feelings are would not be the first thing that would pop into my mind.

Just because it's MDC, I disagree that adults have no feelings, or that a child's comment that is calling a family member a c*** are in "well, maybe she was upset", and "you weren't supposed to hear that anyway" category.

It's not okay, no matter how upset you are, no matter what the other person did. Treating each other with dignity and respect applies to both adults AND children
, and ignoring C*** comment just because you were not meant to hear it is not a healthy way of dealing with the issue, imho. Living in the same house you overhear things, naturally. I don't bring stuff up if it was not meant for my ears... Now... dsd never called me c*** (that I heard of? ).

If it happened in this house, I would ask dsd's dad to have a VERY long conversation with dsd. It's not about "expressing one's dissapointment", it's about showing zero respect to another human being. It might be justified in other households, but it will not be justified in this one.

Expressing being upset with someone? Okay.
Calling someone a c*** is FAR from okay.
Did the stepmom do something to deserve the c*** word? I don't know. I was raised to believe that no one deserves that kind of treatment.

Should the stepmom examine how she treats her dsd? Yes she should, every day. But that's very different from telling her "she shouldn't have eavesdropped anyway". I just can't imagine a happy family where things like this are ignored.

my 2 cents
My bolding. About the first sentence, you are an adult, you are better able to process your feelings and deal with them like an adult, saying that you never called your dsd names is acting as if you are both on the same emotional level, you are not and neither is the OP and her DSD.

I didn't say it was OK for her to call her names, its not, but calling her a name while venting to a friend is a far cry from calling her a name to her face. I do not think it was a good idea to approach dsd about stepmom "overhearing" her. Her dad could have approached her about how she was feeling without bringing up the specifics of the conversation. I am pretty certain that stepmom overhearing her calling her a name was not the first indication of a problem that needed to be addressed. I believe she (DSD) is entitled to her privacy in a phone call that she thought was private.
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#14 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 05:00 PM
 
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The last time that Becky and I clashed with each other was when she called me the C word on the phone to her boyfriend and I heard it when I walked past her door. I did not say anything immediately and then after stewing about it for a while I made up my mind I was not keeping quiet. I walked into our home and said nobody but nobody calls me the C word. The rest is pretty much a blurr but I know that DH had a talk with her about it and told her that he was not putting up with her making reference to me like that. He said you have absolutely no problem letting barbee buy you things but you can call her bad names.
So apparently there was some clashing going on. Enough for the OP to have suspected she was the problem the whole time. The OP took something she overheard that the girl said in her own room and instead of handling maturely she went in there in anger and "the rest is pretty much a blurr". Maybe some people never call people names privately in anger but I hazard a guess that most teenagers at one point in time refer to the adults in their lives in less than flattering terms. Calling someone an awful name (which c... is) in their room on the phone to a friend is entirely different than coming at them with it at the dinner table. I called my parents all sorts of names and my kids have called me names too when they are in a hot fit. I will tell them that it is disrespectful if they say it in my presence but I'm going to ignore what they say in their own room. I think this girl (as wrong as she may be about some things) has a legitimate beef here and the OP is going to have to take a hard look at her own part in this and be the bigger person (adult) and admit where she is wrong. The father also reacted badly and frankly this is a sucky situation but no one in it is innocent enough to be throwing stones. I would start with an admission of guilt by both the OP and the father and then try to rebuild the father and dd relationship one on one hoping that eventually they will be able to be a family again.
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#15 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 05:02 PM
 
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I totally agree. Even if she is a teen, she is still a child in a very adult situation and power struggle.

As far as the OP overhearing her DSD calling her a name to a friend on the phone, this was a private conversation she was having with a friend, she wasn't calling her a name to her face. Perhaps its the only place DSD has to vent, and she has to know deal with her stepmom overhearing what was a private conversation? Not going to help the situation. I am sure everyone here at some point as a teen complained to a friend (in confidence) about their parents, and maybe even called them names. Its not nice and I can imagine that the OP's feelings were hurt or it made her angry, but it was a conversation that her DSD was having with a friend, she thought it was a private conversation. I can understand DSD having resentment at being reprimanded for something she said in a private conversation to a friend. There is no way she will not think that her stepmom wasn't eavesdropping and heard it in passing. Let's try to put ourselves in DSD place for a moment and not jump to negative conclusions about her immediately.
I really agree with this - I called my stepmom the c-word (talking to friends - not to her face) when I was a teen. Even though I actually loved her in my own ambivalent way. Our relationship is great today. If they had done something like involving the police that would have been devastating. I know that this is tough to deal with OP - but I think part of this i a cry for some alone time with her dad.
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#16 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 05:12 PM
 
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So apparently there was some clashing going on. Enough for the OP to have suspected she was the problem the whole time. The OP took something she overheard that the girl said in her own room and instead of handling maturely she went in there in anger and "the rest is pretty much a blurr". Maybe some people never call people names privately in anger but I hazard a guess that most teenagers at one point in time refer to the adults in their lives in less than flattering terms. Calling someone an awful name (which c... is) in their room on the phone to a friend is entirely different than coming at them with it at the dinner table. I called my parents all sorts of names and my kids have called me names too when they are in a hot fit. I will tell them that it is disrespectful if they say it in my presence but I'm going to ignore what they say in their own room. I think this girl (as wrong as she may be about some things) has a legitimate beef here and the OP is going to have to take a hard look at her own part in this and be the bigger person (adult) and admit where she is wrong. The father also reacted badly and frankly this is a sucky situation but no one in it is innocent enough to be throwing stones. I would start with an admission of guilt by both the OP and the father and then try to rebuild the father and dd relationship one on one hoping that eventually they will be able to be a family again.
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#17 of 25 Old 09-01-2008, 05:18 PM
 
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So apparently there was some clashing going on. Enough for the OP to have suspected she was the problem the whole time. The OP took something she overheard that the girl said in her own room and instead of handling maturely she went in there in anger and "the rest is pretty much a blurr". Maybe some people never call people names privately in anger but I hazard a guess that most teenagers at one point in time refer to the adults in their lives in less than flattering terms. Calling someone an awful name (which c... is) in their room on the phone to a friend is entirely different than coming at them with it at the dinner table. I called my parents all sorts of names and my kids have called me names too when they are in a hot fit. I will tell them that it is disrespectful if they say it in my presence but I'm going to ignore what they say in their own room. I think this girl (as wrong as she may be about some things) has a legitimate beef here and the OP is going to have to take a hard look at her own part in this and be the bigger person (adult) and admit where she is wrong. The father also reacted badly and frankly this is a sucky situation but no one in it is innocent enough to be throwing stones. I would start with an admission of guilt by both the OP and the father and then try to rebuild the father and dd relationship one on one hoping that eventually they will be able to be a family again.
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#18 of 25 Old 09-02-2008, 11:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Becky's mom and dad split up in 99, they were never married. He loved his child so much that he tried to make things work with her mother but she found someone else when she was living with him and one day he came home and she had moved stuff out of the house. She even took Becky with her out to dinner with her new boyfriend when they were still living with Becky's dad.

I did not meet DH until 2003, the first summer I was there I had Becky all summer long, mom had a problem with her new boyfriend and had to move out. That first summer we really got to know each other and I felt bad for Becky because Mom did not come to visit or call. When Becky left to come to be with us she lived in one home with pets and friends, then one week before school started mom came and picked her up and took her for a ride and brought her back 20 minutes later and told DH that she would be back to get her right before school. That afternoon I held a sobbing little girl in my arms; she lost what she thought were her best friends, her pets. She had to change schools again. Mom and her boyfriend had moved around a lot to the point where Becky had been in a different school every year. From that point on mom had a very busy social life and Dh and I had Becky more than half of the time. I got a job in the town they lived in so I would take her to school and pick her up at her mom’s after school. I did that for almost two years until I was laid off from my job. One day we realized her mom was seeing the cousin of the guy she used to live with and who had lived in the same house as her and her old boyfriend. Then about a month later the cousin’s brother moved here and two weeks later she moved him in. This man was more of a recluse so mom’s social life became pretty much stopped.

It was about that time that mom realized how close all of us had become and she pretty much stopped our extra time with Becky. Becky was not happy with her mother’s newfound love and the removal of her extra time with us. DH and I were making plans to get married that year. Becky became more and more solemn. She even asked her father to move in with us. She told her mom she wanted to. So DH went to his lawyer and asked about it. The lawyer said it would be very hard to get a custody change. So with everything that was going on we canceled our wedding plans till a later date. On the other hand mom got married to Becky’s stepdad on DH birthday.

After that it was one problem after another with Becky. It was if she constantly was playing one parent against the other. DH bought her a beautiful ring for Xmas and then stepdad bought her several pieces of jewelry. Everything I did with Becky her mother would do the following week and Becky would come back and report as if someone was sending her with a message. More and more you could see a change in Becky. It was if she thrived on any and all drama that was between her parents. I heard Becky arguing with her dad one day and I heard him say Becky I tried I really did. Then I heard her say; right, my mom told me that you had no intention of me living with you. She said, Mom said you didn’t want me there as much. Anyway the rest is pretty much history anytime any kind of situation arises at our home mom has dramatized it blown it out of proportion. Nothing we do for Becky is ever good enough. We had a counselor come into our home last year and for 6 months we had peace and quiet. As long as the lady was with us mom did not involve herself in our time with Becky. It was as if she thought the lady would report it. In Sept DH and I got married and Becky and my daughter were my attendants’. Course even that mom had something to say; she asked Becky how come my daughter was first in line and not her. Things went fine for a while after that but started back up after my mom passed away. DH was really there for me through that and Becky’s mom kept saying dad didn’t have time to deal with a kid he was too busy taking care of me.

So here we are and we got the lady back but mom’s dad hired an attorney for Becky and Becky refuses to come to our home. Grandpa even got the lady dismissed from our home since Becky isn’t there. In all honesty I do not think that Becky’s feelings towards me or her father have been manifested from how she feels as much as how she has been brainwashed into thinking. But what can you do? I just hate to my husband hurt and realize that the main one who will be hurt the most is Becky!
Becky has so much hate in her right now and she lives in a toxic environment that thrives on it. She sent her dad a video this weekend from Youtube and it was called I could be just like you. It was mean and thoughtless, her dad has hurt enough.
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#19 of 25 Old 09-02-2008, 12:04 PM
 
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If i were you i'd do nothing (really hard i know). If i were DH i'd write and tell Becky that i loved her incredibly, incredibly much, but that i loved you too, and that i wasn't going to choose between you because there is enough love for everyone. I would tell her that she's not a little girl anymore, she's a young woman, and that she was old enough to make her decisions about when to see whom. I would tell her that she was welcome any time and that i was going to continue to invite and come down for her when she would normally be staying, but that i would never never force her to come. I would tell her that if she then chose NOT to come, it was her decision. I would also offer a meal/coffee/cinema out just dad and DD as an option to see him alone.

I would let that sit for a few weeks and see how it went.

For whatever reason (biomom, stress at home, hormones, difficult life in other areas etc.) she wants to set you and she up as an opposition, and drive wedges in. She sounds like she has been given little control by biomom and her partner about school etc. - what child likes to be moved around like that!?. I am not at all surprised she's trying to exercise control in seemingly random, destructive and self-destructive ways. But it IS HER CHOICE. SHe is making a bad choice right now, she is making decisions based on the hate her mom has filled her with. But you cannot cure that, all you can do is what you have all along - you love her, you make sure she has a way back, you accept the hate for what it is - her MOTHER'S, and NOT Becky's, and you let it run right off you. This is a hard thing to go through, and i'm a biomom in my little charade, not a stepmom, but i though i am careful not to badmouth her daddy around her, much less fill her with hate for him, i wouldn't make her go to his house if she really didn't want to.

Being a step parent is so tough and you have thus far done yourself proud. Be gentle with you.
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#20 of 25 Old 09-02-2008, 12:46 PM
 
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It does sound very much like Parental alienation syndrome (PAS). Google it and you will come up with tons of info. If it does sound like that is the issue there are many tips as to how to help the child, lawyers who specialize in PAS etc.

Does sound very difficult. Hugs and good luck!

Anne
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#21 of 25 Old 09-02-2008, 02:13 PM
 
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Wouldn't it really be a wonderful world if in every child's life both parents actually put the child's well being first? It seems like so often there's one (at least) who doesn't seem to care what's best for the child. From what you've posted, that would be Becky's biomom. Unfortunately I've seen that kind of havoc wreaked on kids too many times, and you're absolutely right, Becky is the one who loses.

Since she is older and better capable of understanding how things work, this is the approach I would take. For you, I would do nothing but be willing to welcome her to your home whenever she may be ready to come back. For your DH, I would have him gather all the documentation - the paperwork for the counselor, the timelines of his and your actions (your getting a local job to be close to her, his discussion of custody with the attorney, etc.), whatever he thinks she might need to know. It sounds like all she is aware of at this time are the lies her mother has told her. She's old enough to decide if she wants to be with her dad or not, but she also deserves to know the truth of what has really transpired. Right now it sounds like she has no idea just how much her dad was willing to fight for her, and maybe that's a lot of her anger. I would definitely not say anything negative about her mother during this, just present the facts and let her decide where she wants to go from there. She's in a tough situation at one of the hardest ages on top of that, and one of my concerns would be where she plans to turn that anger (drugs, criminal activity, etc.).

I do have to make a comment about confronting her over calling you the c word. If her door was closed and she was speaking in a normal voice and you overheard it, then yeah, I don't think it should've been mentioned. However, if she was shouting or if the door was open, then imo there was no reasonable expectation of privacy. Since I don't know if the door were open or closed, I can't really judge on what happened, but I absolutely cannot go along with condemning you for confronting her on it if her door was open.

K.
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#22 of 25 Old 09-02-2008, 07:04 PM
 
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My reply to you took into account my assumption that a lot has gone on and led up to this. I understand that the situation sucks and that it's unfair and there are hurt feelings. There comes a time when you have to be right or happy and this is that time. This is your DPs child and if you a parent you will fight for your child with all the tools you can grasp -most importantly your brain and maturity. I stand by my previous advice and I hope all will be well with you.
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#23 of 25 Old 09-02-2008, 07:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by GoBecGo View Post
If i were you i'd do nothing (really hard i know). If i were DH i'd write and tell Becky that i loved her incredibly, incredibly much, but that i loved you too, and that i wasn't going to choose between you because there is enough love for everyone. I would tell her that she's not a little girl anymore, she's a young woman, and that she was old enough to make her decisions about when to see whom. I would tell her that she was welcome any time and that i was going to continue to invite and come down for her when she would normally be staying, but that i would never never force her to come. I would tell her that if she then chose NOT to come, it was her decision. I would also offer a meal/coffee/cinema out just dad and DD as an option to see him alone.
.
I really like that. Nothing works like love. It does take time and patience though.

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#24 of 25 Old 09-05-2008, 03:30 PM
 
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MDC is a place where we are respectful of children and view them as people with rights. The idea that we don't care how children feel and that they should not have any control over what goes on around them and can and should be dragged by police to a place where they feel disrespected and disregarded (I am not placing any judgements about what is really going on) is revolting. That is not responsible parenting. Is this all just about HIS time and HER time or are the children considered in here somewhere? Family therapy obviously needs to happen here but starting out from the viewpoint that the dsd is awful and jealous and just trying to manipulate is not productive. She may have reasons for feeling the way she does that others may not agree with or understand but they are still her feelings and being dragged somewhere by the police is not likely to heal her.
Speaking as someone who was the DSD, thank you very much for this post. More often I read the posts from stepmothers and I think it's y'all that are the jealous ones. I wonder, have you ever had a conversation about DSD to a dear friend and referred to her in a not so positive light? I wonder how she would have felt if she over heard you?? Sure you probably didn't call her the "C" word, but perhaps that is because YOU are an adult. Again, speaking as the DSD I think a lot of the PP's were totally biased, and without respect to the OP's DSD. You were young once, were you not? Did you all desire love and attention from your fathers? Why would this young girl be any different? She feels LOST, LEFT OUT, HELPLESS, and BETRAYED. Play the adult, cut her some slack and show some support, would it kill you??
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#25 of 25 Old 09-05-2008, 04:49 PM
 
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Speaking as someone who was the DSD, thank you very much for this post. More often I read the posts from stepmothers and I think it's y'all that are the jealous ones. I wonder, have you ever had a conversation about DSD to a dear friend and referred to her in a not so positive light? I wonder how she would have felt if she over heard you?? Sure you probably didn't call her the "C" word, but perhaps that is because YOU are an adult. Again, speaking as the DSD I think a lot of the PP's were totally biased, and without respect to the OP's DSD. You were young once, were you not? Did you all desire love and attention from your fathers? Why would this young girl be any different? She feels LOST, LEFT OUT, HELPLESS, and BETRAYED. Play the adult, cut her some slack and show some support, would it kill you??
ITA and I'm sorry you experienced this as a child. This is the point I was trying to make in my earlier posts.
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