My son does not want to sleep over at Bio-Dad's (URGENT) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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He had a panic attack last night. He does not want to go.

Legally we have joint custody, though he lives with me and Bio Dad does not even see him regularly on every other weekend. Bio Dad rarely calls but maybe 2 x's inbetween visits.

I am heartbroken!

I do not know what I can legally do. Dom wants to go tell a judge that he doesn't want to go anymore. He just wants to have "dates" with him.

I only signed that papers for joint in 2002 because Bio Dad told me it would keep the state out of our business. Now he is threatening and telling me he wants to take me to court for 2 weeks a month or 6 months a year.

This is killing my son. He is 8. What can I do? He is suppose to go tonight.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#2 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 11:48 AM
 
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I'm sorry AB. Really the only thing you can do right now is appeal to his father and see if you can get him to do short visits only. Maybe offer him unlimited "date" access. If he insists your son go you could be in violation if you keep him home. Maybe you can let him know that ds is going through a high anxiety stage and it may only be temporary.
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#3 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 11:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Can I appeal the state order legally?

He has not been following either the support or visitation schedule.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#4 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 12:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#5 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 12:41 PM
 
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No advice mama, but wanted to offer
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#6 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 12:48 PM
 
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I think you should call your lawyer NOW and find out what to do.

ETA: has your DS missed visitation with him before? (form your side? I realize that dad is following from his side). Could DS be "sick" tonight to give you time to consult with your lawyer and file any paperwork? If that won't work, would your ex listen to DS if he says he doesn't want to go over tonight? One more alternative, is your ex reasonable AT ALL, and would perhaps agree to a reschedule? (and reschedule far enough in the future so you can talk to your lawyer today).

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Oh my God....women are the COWS of PEOPLE!! --Reese, Malcolm in the Middle
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#7 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 12:52 PM
 
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I don't know what state you live in, but I'm in CA and dealing with almost exactly your same situation. Dd, age 8, does not want to go to her dad's house. He is emotionally abusive and her stepmother is even worse. I have cut back to what is legally ordered in our custody order (EOW) and am getting her into counseling and going back into mediation to fix the situation.

Do you have a lawyer? There are certain things that can be filed, but I think you have to show cause why he shouldn't have to go.

Get you ds into counseling. That way, you have someone to back up that it would be emotionally damaging to ds to have to go to biodad's house.

Talk to biodad calmly, but firmly. Don't let it get personal, don't scream and shout (trust me, I know how hard this) just tell him you're interested in what is best for your son.

I know how hard this is. I hope your ds's biodad uses his heart and brain and doesn't do any more damage than has already been done.
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#8 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 01:03 PM
 
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Frankly, if bio dad is not following the visitation schedule as it is, good luck getting extended visitation. kwim Document, document, document. Write down dates of when he has had visitation and when he has declined in order to help your case. Contact a lawyer.

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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#9 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just spoke to a lawyer and he said that no police or judge will physically force a child against their will to go to visit in MN.

He did say be ready for blame and backlash from Bio Dad. Bio Dad may try to bring us to court but that with his record as is for visits and child support, not much will change.

Also Dom is homeschooled. That makes 50/50 not even make since as Bio Dad will have to drop him off every day for school at my house.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#10 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 02:10 PM
 
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I hope you can both come to an agreement.
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#11 of 38 Old 09-12-2008, 04:56 PM
 
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Well, I have no real advice...I'm glad you live in MN instead of IN. I have to send my son. And I don't have a choice, and neither does he. And his dad makes him go. Counseling is getting us no where because the state only sees that it's generally better for a child to have 'both' parents. I even know of a situation in this area where dad sexually abused his daughter, and mom has to let her go see him, supervised, but the 'supervisor' is his mother. Do lawmakers even know what we go through sometimes to 'make' our kids do this??? And we don't even want to but if we don't, we can go to jail and then they have to live there????

Sorry to intrude on your thread, but I totally feel for you...

Keep me posted...

mama to dd20, ds17, dd6, with a new little person on the way!
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#12 of 38 Old 09-13-2008, 12:18 AM
 
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I too can relate...
I call my daughter each night around 7pm to tell her goodnight when she is with her bio dad. This really helps her.
We also send a photo book with pictures of us, a special overnight doll and toys of her choosing from our house.

Good luck

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Do lawmakers even know what we go through sometimes to 'make' our kids do this??? And we don't even want to but if we don't, we can go to jail and then they have to live there????
Amen momma, something has to change...
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#13 of 38 Old 09-14-2008, 12:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I will update fully in a bit. Police were at my house Friday night. He ended up staying home.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#14 of 38 Old 09-14-2008, 04:30 PM
 
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I will update fully in a bit. Police were at my house Friday night. He ended up staying home.
I'm so so sorry for you and your son. You'll be in my thoughts.
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#15 of 38 Old 09-14-2008, 05:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm so so sorry for you and your son. You'll be in my thoughts.
Thank you It was horrible. He was screaming so loud that the neighbors were coming outside.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#16 of 38 Old 09-14-2008, 05:37 PM
 
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Thank you It was horrible. He was screaming so loud that the neighbors were coming outside.
that's what I was afraid had happened. Poor baby. And poor you. Keep us updated when you can.

Take care and s
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#17 of 38 Old 09-14-2008, 05:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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that's what I was afraid had happened. Poor baby. And poor you. Keep us updated when you can.

Take care and s
Thanks. I feel so overwhelmed. I talked to a lawyer today.

I am having an issue picking a lawyer due to Bio Dad's manipulative personality. I do not want someone that will fall for it as I have for the past 11 years.

I should never have signed that joint custody paper. The fun of emotional abuse. He still has a hold on me and we have not even been together since 1999.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#18 of 38 Old 09-14-2008, 07:02 PM
 
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#19 of 38 Old 09-14-2008, 07:26 PM
 
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I am so sorry you're going through this. I know how what you mean about emotional blackmail. My ex and his wife tried first to accuse me and my partner of Parental Alienation Syndrome, but he's the one saying things like "your mom wants you to hate me so that we can't see each other anymore" and "you're hurting my feelings by saying that you're unhappy."

I just don't understand using his daughter as a way to vent his hatred for me.



I hope you can get visitation to a minimum. Hope you and ds get through this.
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#20 of 38 Old 09-15-2008, 05:22 PM
 
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Talk to your doctor, get the panic attacks documented. And everything else.
Sadly, this man is always going to have a hold on you- you have a child together. I got the cold shakes a few months back when my ex told me that if I didn't withdraw the claim for child support then he'd stop seeing the kids, and I was feeling cold hard fear like I used to when we were together- not fun. You can do this

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#21 of 38 Old 09-17-2008, 11:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I am setting up a doctor appointment for Dom.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#22 of 38 Old 09-18-2008, 06:36 AM
 
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That sounds like a good idea. How are you both doing? I'm really sorry about the police showing up. That must have been so scary for both of you.

Anne
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#23 of 38 Old 09-19-2008, 12:57 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We are not doing good.

It seems that he has no voice and will still be forced to go. I have a week to figure it out.

I feel like I have no way of protecting him.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#24 of 38 Old 09-19-2008, 12:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Also....he have not been to the doctor yet. I am getting that scheduled. But I have spoken to someone and they do not think parenting time will be changed by having him seen.

I could care less what parenting time is but HE DOES NOT WANT TO GO!

That scared the HELL out of me!

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#25 of 38 Old 09-19-2008, 01:06 PM
 
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Even if a doctor can't stop the parenting time, they can help him with coping mechanisms, they can make him feel heard, they can be the one to contact his dad and suggest joint sessions (which removes you and Dom from being the bad guys). They can be a very valuable member of the team.
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#26 of 38 Old 09-19-2008, 01:08 PM
 
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I'm so sorry. Did you pick a lawyer?

What does your son say? Why doesn't he want to go?

I guess all you can say to him is that you are doing the best to take care of him and that things will be ok with time. I think he needs to talk to a family therapist so it probably isn't something that can be solved short term.
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#27 of 38 Old 09-19-2008, 01:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The scary thing is that sleeping over was NOT an issue before. But now that biodad lives with his pparents, Dom does not want to go. That justs puts up a red flag to me.

He says that he wants to spend time with BD. He does not want to sleep over. He does not want to go more than two weekends a month *(without sleeping over) as BD is trying to get him 6 months a year or every other week.

Dom wants to stay with his family where he has lived since birth, not live with BD.

BD talks a big talk and never follows through. Suddenly, he is standing his ground without doing anything to make it better.

I asked BD to call daily. He has called 4 times in the 3 weeks (over that) with one call coming in at 12:20 AM

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#28 of 38 Old 09-19-2008, 01:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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There have been times when my son would sit with his backpack on waiting for BD watching out the windows for HOURS and he never came.

But now BD cares.

There is something else going on here. I have known BD for 11 years. Someone else is pushing for this behind the scenes. I know it.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#29 of 38 Old 09-19-2008, 01:21 PM
 
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I am so sorry...this stuff is so hard.
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#30 of 38 Old 09-19-2008, 01:25 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AngelBee View Post
There have been times when my son would sit with his backpack on waiting for BD watching out the windows for HOURS and he never came.

But now BD cares.

There is something else going on here. I have known BD for 11 years. Someone else is pushing for this behind the scenes. I know it.
Do you think BD's parents are pushing for more time?
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