WHAT? Stepmother making her feel bad for saying hi to me? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 12:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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mama to dd16, ds13, and dd1 born 4/1/09 :
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#2 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 01:03 PM
 
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SHe is YOUR daughter and I would have a serious chat with your XH.

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#3 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 01:33 PM
 
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I have the same problem, only in reverse- I'm the Stepmother and my stepdaughter is not allowed (by her Mother) to acknowledge me at all. I suspect her Mother does it for two reasons- 1. It's hard being "the other woman", whichever "other woman" you happen to be. and 2. Because we don't get along and it's a powerplay in an attempt to hurt me. Sure, it hurts me when my stepdaughter isn't even allowed to look at me, but it hurts my stepdaughter a thousand times more, to be forced to "choose" between "loving" her Mother or "loving" me. Your daughter's Stepmother is doing the same thing and it hurts your daughter more than anyone. It's immature and inappropriate of her. You, being the child's actual Mother, may have more control in the situation than I do as a Stepmother in my situation, so use that to your advantage- start by talking to your daughter's Father and and documenting every time it happens. If you think it's appropriate, since your daughter is older, you can probably talk to your daughter a little bit about the situation, but I'd be careful not to make her Stepmother into "the bad guy", even though that's actually the case. If need be, you can also look into Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), to see what you can do legally.

How's your daughter?

I pray for the day Family Court recognizes that CHILDREN have rights, parents only have PRIVILEGES.  Only then, will I know my child is safe.
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#4 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 01:38 PM
 
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That is so awful! What a spiteful woman!

PP's are right... it is only hurting your daughter and totally inappropriate and riduculous!.

I would definitely talk to your DD's Father and have him tell his wife what is NOT OKAY.

Even if you and SM don't get along... DD is still a part of both families... and family should respect each other.


Sorry, I feel like smacking some sense into that woman now. lol

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#5 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 02:25 PM
 
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Wow. That's unbelievable. Your exh needs to put an end to that. And if need be, someone else needs to get involved, like a counselor. She needs to see how unbelievably damaging that is to your kids. Do you have a counselor who could possibly recommend some reading material? Short articles or passages from books that she may pay attention to? Maybe if it came from a "professional" she'd pay attention to it?

It's stunning to me that anyone would do that to a child...
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#6 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 02:31 PM
 
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Originally Posted by goodmomma76 View Post
ACK...This is more of a vent I guess. This past weekend was my XH weekend. He could not take our DS to his football game (had to take his SS to his football game) so I picked him up and took him. At the game, my DD shows up with their Stepmother. No big deal, we don't really get along, but we stayed out of each others way. Things like this are why we don't get along. DD came over to me after they had be there for 30 minutes or so and said hello to me and my family and friends that were sitting there, talked to us for 10 minutes or so and went back to sit with her stepmother and stepsister. No big deal. But about an hour later, my DD calls me and says she 'didn't mean it.' I said mean what? I spent several minutes confused before I heard stepmother in the background belittling her for coming and talking to me on their weekend! Her dad wasn't even there, and it was only for like 10 minutes out of an hour, and what the heck???? Who the heck has the right to make a kid feel bad for talking to her mother??? She is 14, but still a kid. I just told her it was ok, and she could talk to me anytime she wanted, and don't feel bad, and let it go. But I was so mad I had to get off the phone before I said something mean. I could hear her dad, stepmother and stepsisters teasing her in the background. She said, they're only teasing me mom, but I could still hear that she was upset. Should I say something? When I do it only seems to make things worse. I am so sick of this petty crap I can't stand it. And it only hurts my kids.
Wow, that's mean. Your children are in an awful predicament with people who act/say things like that.

You handled it great. I might bring it up again to see if she has any feelings she needs your help with.
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#7 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 02:35 PM
 
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She sounds like she is out of her gourd. I would be furious and concerned about her having a negative effect on your DD.
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#8 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 04:11 PM
 
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No matter which person this kind of behavior comes from, it is so beyond inappropriate. It is making the child choose loyalties or, in the child's mind, who they love more. What a terrible thing to do to a child. I would definitely bring this up with your ex and make it clear that belittling your daughter for something like this will not be tolerated.

Mama to Ava (12/03) , Leila (4/06) , Violet (11/08) , and bonus mama to Madison (7/98)
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#9 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 04:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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edited for privacy

mama to dd16, ds13, and dd1 born 4/1/09 :
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#10 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 05:23 PM
 
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I would like to say that you are a better woman than I am. I would not have handled it that well.

I am constantly controlling the green-eyed monster when ever my wasband and his UAV of a wife attend my children's games/school events. (For the record, this struggle is completely internal - I never say anything. It's just really hard to share my children with the people who are responsible for the break up of their family....) It's hard because they are never there for the difficult bits - making sure the children have their check-ups, making sure they brush their teeth, cleaning up the spew, et cetera. I get irked that they just turn up for the fun bits. (Again, for the record, I'm working on getting over this! )

Visit www.evolutiontosimplicity.blogspot.com to follow my epic saga of single mummahood....

 

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#11 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 06:14 PM
 
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Staying above the immaturity is definitely the way to go. I'm sure she already sees through her SM's immaturity and selfishness even if she is defending her because she's a daddy's girl. I'm sure she greatly appreciates you for being the one person who isn't making her feel guilty or putting her in situations where she doesn't have to choose between people she cares about. The older and more confident she gets the less tolerance she will have for their childish behavior. You can talk to her about standing up for herself, making her own decisions and not feeling guilty without directly criticizing her SM. Continue to be the rational, supportive mom and help her find her own voice in this dysfunctional mess. You are doing the right thing!
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#12 of 17 Old 09-29-2008, 11:25 PM
 
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Oy...I feel your pain. My dd isn't even allowed to tell me anymore that she misses me if we talk on the phone while she is at her dad's house, because it hurts his and her stepmother and stepbrother's feelings. She always feels bad for running and giving me a hug if we run into each other while we're out and about, but if she doesn't stop and talk to them for fifteen minutes while she's with me I'm turning her against them...nevermind that we might be on our way somewhere.

I know everyone wants to be seen as being the better person...but the only issue here is the child. She should not have to feel bad about greeting her family members. I say talk to her...let her know it's always okay to say hi, and give appropriate greetings regardless of who she's with. Then let it go...seems like her dad and company have made enough of an issue of it as it is.
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#13 of 17 Old 09-30-2008, 08:51 AM
 
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These stories are just breaking my heart! I can't imagine making a child feel bad for expressing her feelings for missing her parent! What kind of selfish, insecure morons do that to kids? Ugh. Of course I can answer that...my exh used to make my kids feel bad for wanting to call me. I just don't get it.
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#14 of 17 Old 10-01-2008, 02:26 PM
 
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I am so sorry, this is just aweful.

It is people like this that make the stereo type of step parent so terrible. Even though my DSD's mom and I do not get along/talk at all, if we ever ran into her out somewhere I would encoursge dsd to go see her, especially if DH was not with me. I love Madison as my own, and because of that I would never ever dream of treating her in that manner. We tell our children they are lucky to have three parental figures that love them and care for them. Her dad and I also make sure her mom gets Mother's Day, Birthday, and Holiday gifts, as well as encourage all of the girls to make things for their other parents (dsd's mom, or my ex-h) when we are doing art projects or take them to the Art Museum to create.

Parenting the children involved in belnded or split families requires the adults involved to actually be adults, unfortunately for many of these children, the adults can not look beyond themselves to see the way their actions are affecting the children. It just makes me sad.
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#15 of 17 Old 10-03-2008, 08:38 AM
 
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I think you did an unbelievably good job raising a daughter who is true to herself, was obviously distressed and confused by her stepmothers reaction because she KNOWS it was wrong. Just because she says things in s/m's defence doesn't mean she believes them, kwim?

Helen mum to five and mistress of mess and mayhem, making merry and mischief til the sun goes down.
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#16 of 17 Old 10-03-2008, 11:36 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by goodmomma76 View Post
ACK...This is more of a vent I guess. This past weekend was my XH weekend. He could not take our DS to his football game (had to take his SS to his football game) so I picked him up and took him. At the game, my DD shows up with their Stepmother. No big deal, we don't really get along, but we stayed out of each others way. Things like this are why we don't get along. DD came over to me after they had be there for 30 minutes or so and said hello to me and my family and friends that were sitting there, talked to us for 10 minutes or so and went back to sit with her stepmother and stepsister. No big deal. But about an hour later, my DD calls me and says she 'didn't mean it.' I said mean what? I spent several minutes confused before I heard stepmother in the background belittling her for coming and talking to me on their weekend! Her dad wasn't even there, and it was only for like 10 minutes out of an hour, and what the heck???? Who the heck has the right to make a kid feel bad for talking to her mother??? She is 14, but still a kid. I just told her it was ok, and she could talk to me anytime she wanted, and don't feel bad, and let it go. But I was so mad I had to get off the phone before I said something mean. I could hear her dad, stepmother and stepsisters teasing her in the background. She said, they're only teasing me mom, but I could still hear that she was upset. Should I say something? When I do it only seems to make things worse. I am so sick of this petty crap I can't stand it. And it only hurts my kids.

I'm confused, why did your ex take his step son to his football game rather than his own son? Also, if the stepmom was able to go to your son's football game, why didn't she take him? It looks like she was hoping to cause some drama.

I'm sorry you and your daughter are being put through this.

Maeve, wife to Bobby and TTC since August 05. Mummy to furbabies Jay and Spota since October 03.
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#17 of 17 Old 10-03-2008, 01:48 PM
 
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I would do what you can to support your daughter's self-esteem, which she will need a lot of to combat being belittled by her family. You could tell her that you know she loves you even if she isn't able to come over to say hi, that you know it can be hard to feel like you have to choose between your people that you care about, and that she doesn't need to worry about ever hurting your feelings because you know that she is a kind and wonderful person. Let her know that your job and her dad's job is to take care of her, and her job is not to take care of you guys.

Maybe you can come up with a secret sign that she can use to acknowledge you from a distance if she doesn't feel like she can come over to talk to you. You don't have to blame it on step-mom and dad, you can say something like "if you are with your friends" or "if you want to say hi but you are to far away"... she could scratch her nose and wiggle her eyebrows or something.

Since you have a counselor, I would ask what you can do to help her deal with what she is going through assuming you can't actually change what your ex and his wife are doing.

Parenting four little monkeys (11, 8, 6, and 4) with the love of my life. Making it up as I go.
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