Gay Mommas- Talking about being a step parent with other gay mommies.. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 11-07-2008, 02:10 AM - Thread Starter
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hello all..

I am looking for some support. I am in a new relationship and my partner has a wonderful 4 year old daughter. I would just like to have some open dialog from other step parents or potential step parents...particularly in the LGBT community.
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#2 of 5 Old 11-07-2008, 05:46 AM
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Hopefully you'll get some good replies here, but you also might try posting in the Queer Parenting subforum .
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#3 of 5 Old 11-07-2008, 03:49 PM
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Are you looking for specific advice about something?

The first advice I usually give everyone is not to move too fast when it comes to parenting someone else's child. Work on your relationship, and friendship with the child, but don't walk in right away and try to become a second parent. I've seen that turn sour quickly oh so many times. I think if you take it slow you're much better off in the long run

Congrats on the new relationship :
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#4 of 5 Old 11-07-2008, 06:46 PM
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I was in a lesbian relationship for 5 years with a woman who had 3 boys. I made a lot of mistakes... like trying to be a second "mom" to them. I tried to enforce MY rules with MY form of discipline.... I thought my partner was too easy on them, that she let too much stuff slide. I was a nanny at the time, but had no children of my own. I thought I knew everything about raising kids. My advice to you would be do NOTHING. Let your partner do it all. You can support her, but dont tell her to do anything different, dont tell her dd what to do, what not to do (unless you are "in charge" of her for a bit)

WHat you CAN do is read to her, do art projects with her, take her to the park, push her on the swings.....

I wish someone had told me this before I met my ex-gf. I could have had a great relationship with her kids, as it was they were pretty happy to see me go.
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#5 of 5 Old 11-15-2008, 08:48 PM
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I'm in a heterosexual couple, too, so no advice specific to that, but I that I'd build on what the PP said.

I've found that it's best to start of as friends and build a relationship on that level first. Be an observer of the relationship between your Partner and her DD and your Partner's parenting style. As much as you may disagree, at least early on, it's best to just fall into form with what's already being done.

Get to the point where the daughter feels comfortable and safe with you and slowly add in things a mother would do. Offer to get dress her, bathe her, make her food for her, tuck her in bed with your Partner.... Gradually is best IMO. And I've found that children will fall in love with you just by you providing care for them. The first time my DSS (2 years old) told me he loved me was when I was getting him dressed for the first time. It was a great moment.

Relax and follow your Intuition. Remember that you're all learning together.

(BTW, my DSS's mother is with a woman but I don't know enough about the relationship to offer any advice there.)
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