Why does BioMom like setting up dissapointment? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 09:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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This isn't the first instance of her either setting something up on our weekend for DSD and us telling her no she can't go, or telling DSD about an event and getting her all excited, but then saying well we have to check with Daddy and Jen... so we always end up looking like the bad parents who don't want her doing anything... which isn't true!! But we only get DSD EOW... That time is our's, period. Set stuff up on the 9 billion other days you have with her. :

Sorry... had to vent... the newest one?

We have DSD for Thanksgiving and that weekend this year. My Mother planned our baby shower for this weekend in part because of this. DSD's Mom knows our shower is the 29th, and at first was all, "of course she should be at your shower!"


Then we get an email last night... "What time is your shower again on the 29th? Alex was invited to a birthday party that day at 2:00 and she Really Really wants to go! Can you let her leave your shower early?"

The shower starts at 1:00... and she knows this too. Why would she even tell her daughter about the birthday party when she saw what date it was on??? She knew it would not be feasible for her to go. So of course now she gets to tell DSD, "Daddy and Jen won't let you go to your friend's party." :

Family should come first. I'm just so upset over this and am now anxious about dealing with DSD's disapointment about the party during the shower.

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#2 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 10:30 AM
 
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I totally know how you feel! We have experienced that a lot!

In my situation, it sometimes appears as though their mom does it on purpose so they will not enjoy their time when they are home with us. Like she's letting them know all the stuff they are "missing out on" by being with us. And then other times, it just seems as though that is her parenting style. For instance, DH and I both agree that we do not talk about fun activities in front of the kids until we are pretty certain that it will happen. We don't see the point in getting them all excited about something and then have to say "Oh we didn't plan well or think about our schedule so no, you can't do that thing you have been looking forward to." Their mom on the other hand appears to just talk about activities even if there is only the slightest chance that they will be able to do them.

The thing that has helped us a lot both to curb the behavior from their mom and also get the message across to the kids about what activities take precedence is to stay firm in what we have already planned. For instance, we think that it is important to stick with your plans. If you tell someone that you are going to attend a specific event and then ditch when better plans pop up, what sort of message does that send? In your specific instance, I think that it is more important for your DSD to attend the baby shower so that she can fully participate in welcoming her new sibling than it would be to attend a friend's birthday party. I agree with you about family first.

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#3 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 10:52 AM
 
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One thing that I will give my dsd's mom credit for is that she does not do that. Usually the opposite, "It's a good thing you are at Daddy's this week, because I am working a lot" or something like that.

I also agree that it is good not to discuss things with kids until you know pretty much for sure that it is happening. We also try to avoid blaming one parent or the other for things like that... we tend to blame the circumstances if that makes sense. For something like your situation, we would probably just say to DSD, "It's too bad we can't go, but we have some other things going on that day." The explanation usually doesn't have to go any further than that.

It is too bad that your dsd's mom doesn't do that.

When you only get 4 days/month, you have to make the most of them. It is a lot easier to flexible when you have more time with a child. But even though we have 50/50, both sides are careful about discussing changes to that schedule with the parent before saying anything to DSD. The phrase "We'll see" is pretty helpful in that regard.

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#4 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 12:37 PM
 
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Ok, I don't want to sound unsympathetic here, but I am the custodial parent to a child who can never have anything come up on his father's weekend. I am also the non-custodial parent to my daughter, whom I do let do things on my weekend. I see both sides. First, remember a couple of things, custodial parents don't generally plan the timing for other people's birthday parties, or sporting events, or the like. And most of the time, the kids receive these invitations at school, or directly from another child, or the parent inviting the child does so in front of the child. So, it is not usually the custodial parent 'trying' to make it so you have to be the bad guy. 9 times out of 10, I know about this stuff only after my DS is excited about it. I usually start the conversation off with when is it, and whose permission do you need to get to go? I think that's a reasonable thing to say. I realize that the OP SD is younger, but she still could have had a friend say come to my party, and be all excited about it, without any other intervention from her mom. She has no concept yet of your time vs mom's time. And I will be completely honest with you, I don't think it's either. It's the children's time. And if they have a party they want to go to on the weekend, in the long run, you will be better off letting them go, or why not go with them?? Make it your time together. This is obviously a sore spot with me as I have been accused of the same thing, and I am not doing it. MY DS is very resentful of his father right now for not letting him do things on his weekends, and it is NOT my fault. I actually make excuses for him, or tell my DS that I (me, not his father) am not sure about certain events, I even do most of his sports in the town where his dad lives instead of my own so it's easier for him (it's only 5 miles difference, but he doesn't play most of these sports with kids from his school, when I think he should be) so he won't be so angry at his dad for saying no all the time....but he sees through it...kids are not stupid.

That being said, HOWEVER, in the case of the baby shower, I definitely agree at her age, the family event comes first as she is too young to choose. A few weeks ago, it was my mom's birthday party and I let my DD (14) choose whether to do that or her costume party. She is older, and better equipped to choose, but I wouldn't have given her the choice at 4 or 5 years old.

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#5 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 12:41 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you are going through this.
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#6 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 12:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by goodmomma76 View Post
Ok, I don't want to sound unsympathetic here, but I am the custodial parent to a child who can never have anything come up on his father's weekend. I am also the non-custodial parent to my daughter, whom I do let do things on my weekend. I see both sides. First, remember a couple of things, custodial parents don't generally plan the timing for other people's birthday parties, or sporting events, or the like. And most of the time, the kids receive these invitations at school, or directly from another child, or the parent inviting the child does so in front of the child. So, it is not usually the custodial parent 'trying' to make it so you have to be the bad guy. 9 times out of 10, I know about this stuff only after my DS is excited about it. I usually start the conversation off with when is it, and whose permission do you need to get to go? I think that's a reasonable thing to say. I realize that the OP SD is younger, but she still could have had a friend say come to my party, and be all excited about it, without any other intervention from her mom. She has no concept yet of your time vs mom's time. And I will be completely honest with you, I don't think it's either. It's the children's time. And if they have a party they want to go to on the weekend, in the long run, you will be better off letting them go, or why not go with them?? Make it your time together. This is obviously a sore spot with me as I have been accused of the same thing, and I am not doing it. MY DS is very resentful of his father right now for not letting him do things on his weekends, and it is NOT my fault. I actually make excuses for him, or tell my DS that I (me, not his father) am not sure about certain events, I even do most of his sports in the town where his dad lives instead of my own so it's easier for him (it's only 5 miles difference, but he doesn't play most of these sports with kids from his school, when I think he should be) so he won't be so angry at his dad for saying no all the time....but he sees through it...kids are not stupid.

That being said, HOWEVER, in the case of the baby shower, I definitely agree at her age, the family event comes first as she is too young to choose. A few weeks ago, it was my mom's birthday party and I let my DD (14) choose whether to do that or her costume party. She is older, and better equipped to choose, but I wouldn't have given her the choice at 4 or 5 years old.
I agree with this. DD (5) always knows when her friends' bday parties are, whether I tell her or not. So it might not necessarily be that you're being set up here. Whenever someone at DD's school has a birthday party, it's all the kids talk about.

As for the shower, I don't think it's terribly unreasonable to work out some kind of arrangement where DSD can leave a bit early for the birthday party, assuming that it's for a close friend and not an acquaintance. If your shower starts at 1:00, and the party at 2:00, why not let her go to the party a bit late? How fun is your shower going to be for her, anyway? While I realize that the shower is important to you, in the grand scheme of things, if some kind of compromise can be worked out, I don't think it's such a big deal if DSD skips out of the shower 15 or 30 minutes early to go to her friend's party.
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#7 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The shower is 1-5... I don't know when the party is over, but she would have to leave a lot sooner than 15-30 minutes early to make the other party... the shower and the party are about an hour away from each other easily.

The shower has been planned since August... she has a prior commitment to her family.

Also... we are trying to set it up that her cousins that she has not seen since June will be there... they used to see each other every week when we lived with my MIL, so we know DSD misses them terribly.


I understand it's the "children's" time... but at such young ages... I think it is only fair that the non-custodial parent get all the time they are allotted... I'm sorry but 4 days a month is not asking for a whole lot of schedule re-arranging on the custodial Mom's part. 4 days a month is nothing. And as DSD is so young... she is not a phone person... when we try to call during the week she never wants to be on the phone and we may hear her fro 5 seconds before she is off.

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#8 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 02:08 PM
 
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These conflicts are tough regardless. I remember when my daughter was 5 and she had her African Dance recital that had been planned for 2 months and then got invited too to a b'day party of a classmate at a really cool place that EVERYONE else was going to. Figuring out what to do was a total nightmare - we ended up doing both, arriving really late at the party. But it was tough - it would have been possible but really tough for her to miss the party.

In this situation, I hear the "family" thing but feel like I don't know enough about this other party. Is it something where her whole pre-school class is going and she'd be the odd-man out? I would give the mom the benefit of the doubt on this one. Sounds like a real conflict not one being created by the mom. I would be inclined to let her come to the shower for an hour and then if her mom is willing to pick her up then she can do so and take her to the party. But I probably don't know enough about it.

I just think these situations are hard. I don't think it's fair for kids to not have stuff come up from the place where they spend the majority of their time on non-custodial weekends. Linking back to your previous post about chores, I think it's similar in that stuff comes up for the kid and it shouldn't totally matter whose weekend it is. The same guidelines you'd normally apply should apply. I don't think mom should be scheduling fun trips with her family and inviting the kid along. But an invitation from a friend is something that should be considered regardless of where the kid is. Now your rule for this might be that family stuff always trumps friend stuff and fair enough. I'm not sure if I agree with it or not but it's consistent and fair if that's what works for your family. But I'd try to understand how your DSD feels and what she wants and what she's missing (either way) before making a decision.
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#9 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 02:18 PM
 
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i can see both sides too. my sister is a non-custodial parent to her dd and her ex is always pulling stuff like that and telling my niece about all the fun things they will be doing when she is gone and then phoning her to rub it in. that is just downright cruel.

at the same time, my ex expects my kids to give up things that are important to them that they have been looking forward to for a long time (dance, tae kwon do, etc) just because he feels like seeing them on the spur of the moment.

i don't know your dsd's mom at all but it doesn't sound like she's being mean about it ... if it's important to you to have your dsd at your shower, then i would say no, it won't work for her to go to the party and then maybe plan to have her friend come over the next day and have a little party for her then?

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#10 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 02:22 PM
 
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i don't know your dsd's mom at all but it doesn't sound like she's being mean about it ... if it's important to you to have your dsd at your shower, then i would say no, it won't work for her to go to the party and then maybe plan to have her friend come over the next day and have a little party for her then?
That would be nice compromise but I think the 29th is a Saturday and Sunday is cleaning day at JSMa's house.
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#11 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm sure the whole pre-K class was invited... she has about 20 kids in her class and plus lots of family members on all sides... she literally has at least one birthday party a month to go to... it's not like she is missing out on birthday parties to go to, for sure. She just went to one over Halloween weekend, and two weeks before that as well.

I understand Mom has no control over other people throwing parties, but she has tried to plan other things... She wanted to plan her grandfather's birthday for the weekend we got back from our honeymoon and didn't want us to take DSD that weekend, even though that would have meant us not seeing her for 3 weeks in a row.

She has tried to schedule Beauty & the Beast shows, and Sleeping Beauty shows and The Nutcracker... all on our weekend, then says she can't switch weekends with us.

And it NEVER fails... all this year every single doctor/dentist appointment DSD has had has fallen on our days, meaning we get her late.

I just don't understand how every single thing can magically fall on our days of the month when we only have 4 vs their 26.


We have been very accomodating in the past and have had DSD picked up early from our house so she can go to her cousins birthday parties, etc.

But there really comes a point when I think you have to put your foot down, or it feels like we are being taken advantage of. Why should our already limited time be continuiously cut?

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#12 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 02:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That would be nice compromise but I think the 29th is a Saturday and Sunday is cleaning day at JSMa's house.
Please tell me you seriously have a point to that uncalled for snarky comment...


Other things DO happen on cleaning day... I don't appreciate having it spun that I'm some kind of horrible person. Thank you very much. I would have no problem having DSD have a friend over... this thing has never come up before as they are so young... they aren't really having playdates with anyone other than cousins their age.

Excuse me for trying to run a family and a house...

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#13 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 02:48 PM
 
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Please tell me you seriously have a point to that uncalled for snarky comment...


Other things DO happen on cleaning day... I don't appreciate having it spun that I'm some kind of horrible person. Thank you very much. I would have no problem having DSD have a friend over... this thing has never come up before as they are so young... they aren't really having playdates with anyone other than cousins their age.

Excuse me for trying to run a family and a house...
From the header of the Step and Blended Family page:
This forum is for discussing Attachment Parenting and Natural Family Living in a Blended or Step Family situation. It is for custodial and non-custodial parents. Its purpose is not to vent about the other parties in your family (including step-children or their custodial parents). However, legitimate complaints may be discussed here to gather support for approaching the situation with a positive outlook.

I just don't see how you are posting for support or advice to approach this with a positive outlook. It's only purpose seems to be for you to get responses that mirror your current perception of Mom.

I am sorry if this offended you but I think it may be beneficial for you to try and go back to reread your posts and responses on this board. Try to read them as if they were posted by your own child's (imaginary) stepmother.

That's all I'm going to say. I hope it gets easier for you and for your 4yo stepdaughter.
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#14 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 02:51 PM
 
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That would be nice compromise but I think the 29th is a Saturday and Sunday is cleaning day at JSMa's house.
was that meant to be rude? I'm not a regular here yet, but-I think that was unnecessary.

It is frustrating when other things are planned without our consent. I wouldn't mind so much if dsd's mom would ask first or let us know ahead of time, but it is always last minute and rarely asked nicely. As in, "dsd has a dr's. appt. at x time on x day. Make sure you are not late." Why not just say, hey, sorry I scheduled the appt. late and they didn't have any other time. Does this time work for you?
This weekend is ours and her mom just sprung 2 last minute plans on us, one of which involves us missing an entire night with dsd, and the other is a bday party that she'shad the invite for for a couple of weeks (I know b/c dsd mentioned it to me) and just gave us a day ago.

It sounds like you have plans for your dsd to have fun at the shower with her cousins. She will be dissapointed, but I bet she will forget all about it when she is running around with the other kids!

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#15 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 02:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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However, legitimate complaints may be discussed here to gather support for approaching the situation with a positive outlook.
Is preciesly what I am doing... so sorry you cannot see that.


Or maybe I should just throw in the towel now and say... "it's okay, we are just the non-custodial parents, take DSD whenever you want, we really don't need to see her at all or have her involved in our lives..."

Seriously.... I would HOPE AND PRAY that if God Forbid I ever found myself split up and had a StepMom for my daughter that she'd be HALF as thoughtful as myself and the fact that I bend over backwards trying to make sure DSD is an integral part of our family and that she feels equal and loved here.

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#16 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 03:04 PM
 
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I'm not trying to be rude here, but I think maybe a little compromise is in order. I understand that this is an important event for you, and that your time with DSD is important, but at the same time, from an outsider's POV, it feels a lot like you are putting your DSD in the middle of this because you're angry with her mom, and at some point, it will backfire.

Again, I really don't see the big deal with letting her go to the birthday party, especially if your shower is four hours long. Couldn't you just let her go for an hour to her friend's party and then come right back so that you still have your time with her? I say this as a mom of a little kid who gets sick very easily, and has to miss a lot of class birthday parties because of it. And inevitably, whenever she goes back to school and hears all of her friends talking about how much fun they had, she feels sad and left out.

As far as scheduling stuff during your weekends, sometimes that's just when stuff happens, yk? As someone who's expected to be the one who schedules everything around two families' schedules, it can be really tough. I'm not saying that DSD's mom doesn't try to make things difficult, but even if she is, it's not going to help the situation if you just push back...and you calling her BioMom tells me that there's not a whole lot of respect going on there. She's DSD's mom, and she may be the biggest pain in your neck ever, but at the root of all of this, there is a four year old that you both care about who is going to be the one who suffers from all of this.
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#17 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 03:07 PM
 
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I think you should refuse to let DSD go to the birthday party. A shower is a day about YOU, and you shouldn't feel ashamed of that. Nor should you let it become about your DSD's mother causing problems. Don't even get embroiled in a debate about it.

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#18 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 03:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I apologize if bioMom came off as disrespectful... that was not my intention. It was a clarifier... she is DSD's biological Mother. I am her Step Mother... we are both her Mother in some regard.


I honestly would have no problem letting her go for an hour if that was feasible... but since the parties are an hour away from each other... with time to commute added into the equation, I don't think she'd really make either party for any kind of real amount of time...

I will ask DSD's Mom what time the other party ends...

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#19 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 03:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You know... I'm thinking here...


Is it just because I'm the StepMom??


If your DC was invited to a birthday party the same day as your new baby's shower... would you make arrangments for your DC to go to the birthday party instead of being with their family celebrating the upcoming arrival of their new sibling???

I'd really love an honest answer here.

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#20 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 03:25 PM
 
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You know... I'm thinking here...


Is it just because I'm the StepMom??


If your DC was invited to a birthday party the same day as your new baby's shower... would you make arrangments for your DC to go to the birthday party instead of being with their family celebrating the upcoming arrival of their new sibling???

I'd really love an honest answer here.
The potential for a conflict of interest from the mom is huge here. Get your DH on the same page and just refuse the birthday party.

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#21 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 03:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The potential for a conflict of interest from the mom is huge here. Get your DH on the same page and just refuse the birthday party.
DH is on the same page. He was livid that his ex even asked and told her no way DSD is going to miss the shower for her little sister.

But DSD's Mom is trying to guilt us into letting her go... just like some of the responses here... so really... I want to know what they would do if it was not a "step" situation. Because right now I'm feeling that just because we're the "other" family it doesn't matter.... and maybe that is part hormonal.

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#22 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 03:31 PM
 
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You know... I'm thinking here...


Is it just because I'm the StepMom??


If your DC was invited to a birthday party the same day as your new baby's shower... would you make arrangments for your DC to go to the birthday party instead of being with their family celebrating the upcoming arrival of their new sibling???

I'd really love an honest answer here.
I'm not a stepmom, but when my girls were that age they would way prefer the birthday party over my baby shower. Sure, the shower is all about you, but I don't think a 4 year old is going to love a 4 hour baby shower. How much time are you realistically going to spend with her during those 4 hours?
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#23 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 03:55 PM
 
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I'm not a stepmom, but when my girls were that age they would way prefer the birthday party over my baby shower. Sure, the shower is all about you, but I don't think a 4 year old is going to love a 4 hour baby shower. How much time are you realistically going to spend with her during those 4 hours?
Some of you might be forgetting that there are going to be other children at this shower - children that the OP's dsd likes to play with and hasn't seen in a while.

Also, I agree that the suggestion that the child should be shuffled back and forth is unreasonable. She'll spend two hours in the car.

I think that some of us need to remember this part of the UA when responding in this thread:

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#24 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 04:12 PM
 
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I will answer your question. I gave it some thought and to be honest if my older child was invited to a birthday party on the same day as my baby shower I would let her go. I feel like a shower isn't that fun for kids - I didn't much like them when I was little. She'd have more fun at the party.

Now, having answered your question, I would like to say one other thing.

I can't imagine not living with my children full time. (Not it a all-people-who-are-divorced-aren't-good-people/parents kind of way, more in a I love just being with my kids and would miss them if they split their time between households kind of way.) So honestly, if I only had my kids four days a month I would go with them to parties so I could still be with them. In this instance I would say no to the party so that we could all be together at the shower. I wouldn't miss that one day for anything. (Especially since there will be other kids to play with and she won't be pushed into a corner and left to fend for herself at an adults party.)
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#25 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 04:18 PM
 
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DH is on the same page. He was livid that his ex even asked and told her no way DSD is going to miss the shower for her little sister.

But DSD's Mom is trying to guilt us into letting her go... just like some of the responses here... so really... I want to know what they would do if it was not a "step" situation. Because right now I'm feeling that just because we're the "other" family it doesn't matter.... and maybe that is part hormonal.
Just what does "trying to guilt you into letting her go" entail exactly? And how much of that involves your DSD? Does your DSD even know the content of that email?

Because while I can see huge potential for inappropriate custodial-mom behavior in this regard, and while I agree that the shower takes precedence over the party (for many reasons, including "previous engagement"), I can also see a situation where no matter what the custodial mom does, she's the bad guy in the eyes of the NCPs.

My daughter is in K. She gets birthday invitations directly in her locker at school or in the mail addressed to her. And even if I intercept them before she gets them, she still knows about them because all the kids in her class talk extensively about their upcoming parties. I cannot (sometimes I really wish I could) hide those invitations from her.

When one fell during her dad's time this summer, I had to deal with the fallout of telling her "no, can't go to that one, we'll be in France". At which time, she cried very heart-broken, bitter tears about missing the party and then said "I know family is more important than parties" (proud mom moment). She was crushed (in that 5-year-old-crushed-but-recovers-fast kind of way).

At least I had geography and 4000 miles to make the decision for us, and didn't have to make the call of "do I inform her dad of the invitation and let him decide or just say no first". And was quick enough on my feet to have checked the date before reading the whole invitation to her (there was going to be live pony rides and that detail I kept from her, but once she can read I won't be able to hide details like that anymore).

It was heartbreaking. But at least it was an easy call--no, we'll be out of town.

That said, what would I have been supposed to do if we lived in the same town or close enough that she could go to birthday parties for her friends during her dad's time?

Say, "no, you can't go because it's your dad's weekend"? No good: I'd be accused of making the dad into the bad guy.

Say, "it's your dad's weekend. You have to ask him." or "I'm not sure, I'll ask your dad about it"? Neither is good: again, I could easily be accused of setting him up to be the bad guy. Because I can't know for certain what he has planned, and he could very well have something planned that I don't know about. Or forgot about, because quite frankly I'm not my ex's social secretary anymore.

Say, "sure. I'll tell your dad he's gonna miss his time."? No good. Probably the worst of the lot. Family is more important than friends' birthday parties--especially her father.

Say 'no' and leave it at that and not even tell her father about the invitation? No good either: she does have a social life that goes beyond her parents and that would be excluding her father from a fatherly role in her social life. It's his time, and therefore his decision as to whether or not to allow her to go. Even if I'm 100% certain I know what he'll say, I don't think that gives me the right to make the decision for him.

So, tell me, what am I supposed to say and do exactly?

I'm not saying the mom in your specific situation is not being inappropriate or difficult or whatever. She very well could be. But she could also simply be trying to do her best in a confusing situation.

What would you have wanted her to say?
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#26 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 04:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I will answer your question. I gave it some thought and to be honest if my older child was invited to a birthday party on the same day as my baby shower I would let her go. I feel like a shower isn't that fun for kids - I didn't much like them when I was little. She'd have more fun at the party.

Now, having answered your question, I would like to say one other thing.

I can't imagine not living with my children full time. (Not it a all-people-who-are-divorced-aren't-good-people/parents kind of way, more in a I love just being with my kids and would miss them if they split their time between households kind of way.) So honestly, if I only had my kids four days a month I would go with them to parties so I could still be with them. In this instance I would say no to the party so that we could all be together at the shower. I wouldn't miss that one day for anything. (Especially since there will be other kids to play with and she won't be pushed into a corner and left to fend for herself at an adults party.)
Thank you Mama... this is the point that I think many forget... this is the pain my DH lives with everyday and it brings me pain to see it. I of course miss my DSD when she is not with us as well, but I know it is far different than what he feels when he was used to being with her every single day for the first two years of her life.

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#27 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 04:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
You know... I'm thinking here...


Is it just because I'm the StepMom??


If your DC was invited to a birthday party the same day as your new baby's shower... would you make arrangments for your DC to go to the birthday party instead of being with their family celebrating the upcoming arrival of their new sibling???

I'd really love an honest answer here.
It doesn't have to do with being a stepmom to me. If my daughter had a birthday party during my shower, I would rather her go to her birthday party.

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#28 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 04:28 PM
 
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What would you have wanted her to say?
"Sorry DD, you'll have to miss this one because it's the same day as JSMa's shower."

Dad to DD 9/2008
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#29 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 04:30 PM
 
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So, tell me, what am I supposed to say and do exactly?
Maybe we are lucky in the fact that my dsd (in 1st grade) doesn't get that upset about the possibility of missing a birthday party. When she asks if she can go to something, both houses just say something to the effect of "I'll talk with [parent at the other house] and we'll see what they have planned for that day." If we didn't remind her, she would forget that the birthday party was even going to happen.

Maybe it's a regional thing, maybe it has to do with the school she goes to, but missing a birthday party isn't an earth-shattering thing. The kids she goes to school with all claimed that they were coming, then only one showed up. The same thing happened to her classmate. But maybe we are just in a weird situation.

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#30 of 89 Old 11-14-2008, 04:31 PM
 
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"Sorry DD, you'll have to miss this one because it's the same day as JSMa's shower."
But what if I don't remember what time the shower is? And it's entirely possible that the shower could be at a time when both were possible? (Plus, you could give her credit for at least remembering the right day, by the way. I'm not sure I would have remembered the exact day if I were in her shoes.)
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