My relationship with my sister in jeopardy - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 06-07-2005, 02:05 PM - Thread Starter
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Hi I am pregnant with number 3. My sister and I both have PCOS. Her weight is much higher than mine (225 lbs her, 160 lbs me) so the fertility problems for her are worse. She has one daughter who was 6 in April and she has been trying for a second for 4.5 years. She really doesn't ovulate at all. She has only tried Metformin, nothing else. I had my son right after she started trying. He was conceived using herbs and diet. My daughter was born 21.5 months later, conceived with Metformin. Both were conceived the first month I managed to induce ovulation. I had been using Metformin again since January but not trying and it wasn't bring on ovulation. In April I tried soy isoflavones which can be used like Clomid and I ovulated. We started trying this month with Metformin, soy and natural progesterone cream and we concieved again first try. So I have very good fertility success despite the fact that I don't ovulate unless I push it along. I have recommend my sister try the soy isoflavones but she is also waiting on domestic special needs adoption and doesn't want to mess that up. I called her to tell her today because we talk every day and I just wanted to get it over with. I didn't think she'd be happy or anything, of course it hurts her. But I at least thought she could muster a congratulations or ask me if I'm excited or anything. All she said was that God isn't fair. Then she changed the subject to her computer game she was playing. I know she is sad but I don't know what to do. I feel like there is a wall between us now. With my daughter she was sad but not too upset because she still thought she'd be able to have more. I think she is angry and upset and like I said I understand that. But we have always been close (I don't really have any friends) and now I feel like I have no one to share anything with. I feel so distanced from her like I can't call her anymore or mention anything about my life. I guess there is nothing I can do to make things better, I didn't do anything wrong to begin with.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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#2 of 5 Old 06-07-2005, 03:29 PM
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Everyone has always been afraid to tell us that they are expecting. Even if I feel pity for myself I am happy for the other person. Before I had kids and had been trying for a few years it was WAY harder. Now with 2 boys and one on the way(can't believe I am saying that!!) I have alot more thankfulness for what I do have. I understand her position. Give her a little time to gain perspective. If you talk everyday you obviously are close and she will want to share your joy.
I always felt esp bitter when unwanted pregnancys happened to other people and we did not have any.
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#3 of 5 Old 06-07-2005, 11:39 PM
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Heavenly, I'm sorry it's hard right now with your sister. You're so right that you haven't done anything wrong. It's a reminder to your sister of the loss of what she envisioned she'd be as a mother, so it hurts her, but I think in time she'll grieve and be ready to talk more about it with you. She loves you and your kids, she just isn't ready yet.

Can you talk more to your mom or IRL friends? You deserve someone to share your joy with who is able to be excited for you. Maybe you know some people from LLL or a playgroup? Of course we are quite willing to share in your excitement and joy, but it would be great to get that IRL, too.

Warm regards,
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#4 of 5 Old 06-07-2005, 11:47 PM
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Okay I'm not pg so I'm crashing your thread. It sounds to me (and I might be totally off) that you feel it's somehow your sister's "fault" she can't get pg because her weight is higher than yours. And your expectations of her happiness for you are too high IMO.

I have PCOS. It works differently in different people. I weigh 250lbs, while my friend who has it is about 160. She has different symptoms than I, and I find it *very* difficult to keep my weight from increasing, while my friend does not share this issue. So yes your sister's weight is higher than yours. But she may have more difficulty with weight than you do, just inherently, not because you are "better" at managing your symptoms than she.

AND... weight may not be the reason she is struggling to conceive. I weighed 266lbs when I got pg with my daughter, and was 271 when I gave birth... naturally, drug free.

So if you are feeling that you are pg because you are working harder and are more deserving, stop. Do your best to support your sis... of course she feels sad and deeply jealous that you are pg so soon while she is not.

And of course you need some folks to be excited for you! You can't expect it from her, so you need to find it elsewhere. Tell lots of people who won't have their own stuff in the way of sharing your joy.

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#5 of 5 Old 06-09-2005, 10:29 AM - Thread Starter
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thismama - I will try and respond as nicely as possible. Where are you getting all this stuff from because I mention she has more fertility problems than me? When did I ever say its her fault? That is ridiculous! It IS proven time and time again that weight loss does help women with PCOS. But I know how hard it is to lose weight with PCOS. I can't stick t0 the diets I get sick. The only reason I mentioned her weight was because it makes her fertility problems worse than mine. And where in the hell do you think you get off tell me that I think I am pregnant because I worked harder and am more deserving?? You are obviously putting some of your own issues into this because I don't know how you could get that? Why would I think my sister doesn't deserve a baby? And I never said I worked harder, I said I'd tried things that she hadn't so that might be why I am successful. You know what, I don't even know why I'm responding to this.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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