Do subsequent babies not count? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 04:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm feeling a little peeved b/c nobody in my family seems to be that interested in the fact I'm having another baby. I guess they figure I already "have everything" and have already done it, so no big deal, right?? I have gotten one little outfit from my mom and one gorgeous pilot cap from a friend, and that's it. With my DD I received a TON of gifts and a few people even thought to ask "what do you need?" This time, nada.

I don't mean to sound tacky or anything, I just am very surprised at the huge difference between baby #1 and baby not #1. It feels kind of crappy that people don't seem to care much about this baby. (I would say maybe it's the holidays and they'll all be calling next month, but DD was born at the exact same time of year!) My mom friends are very excited and helpful and interested, at least. I'm so very glad to have them in my life.

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#2 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 04:41 PM
 
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Hi Ellasmama,

Just wanted to say you are definitely not alone in this. Not speaking of myself, as this is my first baby, but my sister-in-law is pregnant with her second (her first just turned 1 the other day, so not much time in between, either). My mom and I were talking the other day about how much less of a big deal everyone, including us, is making of it. For me I think it is quite different because I'm pregnant as well, so of course have more on my mind now! Also, we are all so wrapped up in my 1 year old niece that it's hard to put as much attention on SIL and her pregnancy as we did the first time. My niece was the very first baby in the family, so it was a huge deal!

I'm so excited for her and my brother, and I'm sure everyone around you really are excited too. Sometimes I think people just forget to show it. I know I feel guilty after reading your post, and will make sure to ask her how she's feeling more often, etc. I wouldn't worry so much about gifts...I'm sure people just assume you have lots of baby stuff already!

winn

Mama to DS 02/15/06, and DD born 08/31/09!
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#3 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 04:49 PM
 
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I remember feeling VERY upset and hurt late in my first pregnancy because none of the grandparents had shown a huge interest or offered to get us one of the "big" items (carseat, stroller, etc) like I thought that they would. She was the 8th grandchild on my side, the 5th or 6th I think on DH's side, and I felt like no one cared much by that point, even though it was OUR first baby! Of course, much of those feelings were a little overboard due to my hormones, and each grandparent did end up getting things for us eventually and all but one came from out of state to visit within a few weeks of her birth. I think it was just a case of their actions not meeting my own (unexpressed) expectations, not their lack of caring. But I do know the feeling of thinking no one is interested, and that sucks.
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#4 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 05:26 PM
 
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I am pg with our first, and it is the first biological grandchild for all of our parents. My step-brother has two children, so my step-mom has those two. The other day though, she was over and we were talking about my other two step-brother's girlfriends. They have three children between the two of them(with other men), and brothers have been with each girl less than a year. My step-mom said that she was telling someone she was expecting their SIXTH grandchild! I was pretty unhappy about it. I mean, this is my dad's first biological grandchild, and the other three children aren't even married into the family yet! It really hurt my feelings.
Other than that, my dh's family doesn't pay much attention to the fact that I pg, they don't even ask how I am feeling or anything. My mom is excited, but she just keeps buying us tons of clothes and blankets. I appreciate the gifts, but we don't need that many, and we live in a small house. Nobody has offered to get us any of the big items that we have more of a need for. I can't say I'm suprised though, nobody cared much that we were getting married either!
Anyway, in our case, it doesn't just happen with the second or third plus baby, it can also happen with the first.

aka ~lioneyes~ :: In love with DH :: DD 5 :: new sweet baby girl 3/14/2011~ both born at home in water
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#5 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 05:55 PM
 
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Yeah, me too. My mom has not even asked if we need anything, said absolutely NOTHING about visiting after the birth...it's like she is ignoring the fact that I am pregnant at all.

I think it might have something to do with the trauma from DS's birth--it really affected her and she basically had to leave because she couldn't take seeing him in the hospital, so she is avoiding the whole thing. She asks a lot how I am doing and how the baby is doing but other than that, nada. We aren't really close to any other family, though DH's grandparents do ask about me. I had to twist the arms of my mom & RL friend to give me a baby shower last time, and no one has said one word this time. It's OK, I don't really want a shower, but I DO want my mom to just ASK if we need anything. Sheesh. She is a shopping fanantic and I am finding it weird that she hasn't gone hog crazy buying girly clothes. She has bought absolutely nothing for us. For my birthday she got me a japanese ceramic pot. ?????? What the heck am I supposed to do with that??

Sleepy mom of two (DS-11, DD-8). 5 lost: 9/2004, 3/2005, 3/2013, 8/2014, ectopic loss @ 6 weeks 11/2014
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#6 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 06:09 PM
 
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I know what you mean. It's not like we actually need anything, but it makes me sad that no one is celebrating this baby like they did with dd. The only person who has mentioned coming after the babe is born is my stepmom and she's probably the last person I want here. She says my dad wants to be here, he missed dd's birth because of work, but work is a problem again. Basically I need to deliver on a weekend, and one that he isn't on call. No problem, really. One of my friends, who is probably the only person who checks on me and the pregnancy, wants to do a shower, but I feel like I would be forcing everyone to come and don't know if I really want to do it or not. I am grateful to have my playgroup moms and I know that they will do food dropoffs after the birth, which we will be so grateful for!!

April
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#7 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 06:34 PM
 
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Is what people buy, and the size of the gift, what is most important?

Sorry, but I don't like where this thread is going and a couple (not all) of you need to re-read your posts and really think about it.

winn

Mama to DS 02/15/06, and DD born 08/31/09!
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#8 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 07:33 PM
 
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#9 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 08:00 PM
 
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I think that what most of the posters have expressed being upset about is the apparent lack of interest in the pregnancy/new baby coming...not neccessarily the lack of material gifts.

I know in my case, what I wrote about above with my first pregnancy, I was expecting my parents to offer to buy us one of the big items because I had seen them do just that with my older siblings when they had their children. It seemed to be one of the first ways they expressed themselves in the grandparent role, and to suddenly "skip" it with me felt hurtful - not because we were desperate for the help financially (we weren't), but because it was different than the way my siblings were treated when they had their babies, and came across as lack of involvement whether it was intended that way or not.
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#10 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 08:15 PM
 
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Well I have been feeling the same way. And for the record, no it doesn't matter that the material things aren't there, for me it's the fact that no one asks how I'm feeling, if there is anything they can do (like take DD1) or any of that. It's very much "well, she's been there done that" kind of a thing. I feel like I don't get to even focus much on this pregnancy because no one else is. Even my DH has the same attitude. I could still use my foot rubs though!

Subsequent babies DO count!

Nikki
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#11 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 08:53 PM
 
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if there is anything they can do (like take DD1)
yeah, like that. I was sick--like couldn't move off the couch--for months and my mom never offered to come up and help. She lives less than 100 miles away. She doesn't work long hours.

My point wasn't that I want her to buy us stuff, it's that she is ignoring the fact that I am pregnant. For her, buying stuff is a measure of what she is thinking about. She is a shopaholic. Seriously, you should see her QVC jewelry collection.

And whether she will help out after the birth? Doubtful. She gets weeks and weeks of vacation a year (teacher on year-round school) and she might come up for an afternoon, that's it.

She never wanted to be a grandmother, that's it. And she is afraid that this baby will have health problems too, I'm sure. I have a lot of anger about that, so don't get me started.

Sleepy mom of two (DS-11, DD-8). 5 lost: 9/2004, 3/2005, 3/2013, 8/2014, ectopic loss @ 6 weeks 11/2014
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#12 of 26 Old 12-22-2005, 11:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's not about the material items; sorry if my OP sounded that way. It's just that I live far from most of my family/DH's family, and gifts are pretty much the main way they express "interest." I'd love it if anyone called to see how I was doing, or wrote me a letter about how exciting this time is, or anything. Like April77 said, it feels like no one is celebrating this baby like they did DD. My parents help me out a lot and are definitely interested in the new baby, so I shouldn't say "no one." Just not as many people, and the interest is muted. Actually, I'd like a little interest in ME as well. I'm still expecting a baby even if it isn't the first, and that's special. I just think pregnant women, new babies, and new mothers should be celebrated no matter how many times they've done it before!

I'm probably also sensitive about it because I was the second child, second grandchild on mom's side, zillionth one on dad's side, and knew clearly I was never the "preferred" or "golden" grandchild. I think people should work harder to be fair and equal; I'm sure my parents will try hard to do that once the baby's here. Of course, if it's a boy my dad is liable to go apesh#t with excitement (they have 2 granddaughters) but hopefully he'll keep it in check!

Carol
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#13 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 01:27 AM
 
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Like I said before, we don't need anything for this baby, it's just that no one seems excited that he is coming that hurts my feelings. I know it will be different after the birth, but my in-laws were here all day today and they didn't ask one thing regarding the pregnancy or the baby. They knew that I had an ob appointment this morning and they didn't even ask if the baby is healthy or anything. My dad isn't much better and the whole thing going on with my step-mom is really weird. My SIL and best friend (two hours away) seem to be the only two people interested other than dh and my playgroup moms. Dh is working a ton and busy with dd when he is home and sometimes I just feel really lonely about this pregnancy. I know part of it is that my mom has passed away since dd was born and that she would be so thrilled to be getting a grandson, it just makes it a lot harder.

April
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#14 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 01:31 AM
 
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Yeah, I wish some folks, like my Mom and Dad would ask me how I feel every once in a while. My first son was born at home unassisted and the folks know this baby will be too. I think that is a big reason why this baby is being virtually ignored. I am a real non-traditional person in their eyes and honestly I get the feeling that they really don't want to bother finding out why we do the things we do or even respect our choices. They are the ones missing out anyway.
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#15 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 01:39 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EllasMama
I just think pregnant women, new babies, and new mothers should be celebrated no matter how many times they've done it before!
I agree!!

I do understand what you're all talking about, like I said in my first post - but it was starting to sound like gifts were the only way to prove that someone has interest in what's going on. I can't afford to buy my SIL and brother baby gifts, we are just barely able to cover the things we need ourselves...but I want her to know I'm excited by phoning and asking how she's doing, offering my help once baby arrives, etc.

danav - do you think maybe your parents "skipped" buying the big gift for you because they didn't feel you needed the help financially, while your siblings did? I know that my parents try very hard to do things equally for my brother & I so that we don't end up feeling this way...but maybe your parents didn't really think of that. Of course I don't know anything of the situation, but just had that thought!

winn

Mama to DS 02/15/06, and DD born 08/31/09!
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#16 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 02:55 AM
 
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I kind of like that no one is really making a fuss over the baby coming. my mom is coming into town and I'm really looking forward to her visit. my ILs are actually leaving the country for three months LOL and I'm GLAD! I want to have only my mom and dh and ds with me for my babymoon. I'm a more private type of person, I don't like to be fussed over.
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#17 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 03:21 AM
 
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While I'm not a member of the Feb DDC, I wanted to jump in here. I feel like people not only are not interested in the fact that I'm expecting another baby, but maybe disappointed??
When my DH made the announcement that we were expecting again at church, one person came up and congratulated us. One. A girl whom I used to consider a good friend actually said, "well, what do you expect? It IS your THIRD baby." ?? What does that mean? That third babies are not as wonderful as first babies? That I shouldn't be excited this time around? One friend offered to do a baby shower if this baby was a boy. I recently had an u/s to check for a congenital condition and we found out we are expecting another girl. This "friend" says she guesses we won't need to do a shower then to which I replied that just getting the girls together for a dinner out would be fun... she says, "You think we NEED to do that? I mean, it's your third GIRL. What else could you need??" I am NOT begging for gifts here, people!! I am practically BEGGING for someone to express some interest in and help me celebrate a NEW BABY!
Arg.

What I'm trying to say is that I understand. :P

Darci

Raising our babies: 2003, 2004, 2006, 2008, 2010, and 2012
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#18 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 03:23 AM
 
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NO one even mentions this baby. Who freakin cares about a gift, I'd just appreciate a congrats or a mention of the baby.
I never even got a congrats card when Jack was born almost 2 years ago. I am very bitter about this. It makes me so sad to think they could care less about a new baby.
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#19 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 11:27 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by winnie
danav - do you think maybe your parents "skipped" buying the big gift for you because they didn't feel you needed the help financially, while your siblings did? I know that my parents try very hard to do things equally for my brother & I so that we don't end up feeling this way...but maybe your parents didn't really think of that. Of course I don't know anything of the situation, but just had that thought!
Yeah, actually I think that's exactly what happened in retrospect...I had married and moved far away, and we both worked good jobs at the time, and I had never had to ask my parents for anything since I left home. My siblings had all stayed close to home and my mom had needed to help them out financially from time to time. But in the midst of the pregnancy, it still hurt a lot until I figured that out... I've gotten WAY over it since then, though.

I don't feel left out this pregnancy - friends and family always ask how I'm doing when we do talk, my mom sent a Christmas gift for the baby along with the gifts for my other kids even though he won't be born until after Christmas, my in-laws are coming to visit sometime after he's born (and are thrilled to be getting another boy grandchild, my Noah is the only other boy so far). My brother and a couple of friends are sending lots of baby boy clothes that their babies have outgrown. Even the mail carrier always asks how I'm feeling with a big smile when she brings packages to the door!

I'm SO sorry to those of you who have faced less than enthusiastic and even downright rude behavior from friends and family about your pregnancy! Every baby should be celebrated and every pregnant mother, whether it's her first or tenth pregnancy, should be treated with caring and honor, IMO!
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#20 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 11:42 AM
 
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Wow you guys. I'm so sorry that this is happening to all of you! EVERY baby is a reason for celebration and I certainly hope that things change a bit after the babies are born.

I really need to count my blessings. This is our fourth, but it's our first child here in this state. Dh is an Episcopal priest and people at our church know how we've wanted a baby for SOOOO long (and they supported us during three losses). They are all really excited for us and I get lots of belly rubs every week. I guess I should appreciate this more!!
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#21 of 26 Old 12-23-2005, 10:21 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by winnie
Is what people buy, and the size of the gift, what is most important?

Sorry, but I don't like where this thread is going and a couple (not all) of you need to re-read your posts and really think about it.

winn

If this is at anyway directed at my post, I will reply by saying that no, I don't think I need to go back and re-read my first post. I think maybe you got the wrong idea from some of us. It is not important that people even get a gift. What is most important is that people are excited and involved with the fact that a baby is being born. While some people here have mentioned that they have everything for the baby, some of us do not. I could care less if people bought us stuff, but it seems that our parents who made less money, and struggled with their first baby might want to get us items that are useful, instead of just frilly. I have never even had a baby, but every time I know someone who does, I resist the cute items and get them something useful, as well as a relaxing gift for the mama to be. I also ask her how she and the baby are doing as much as I can. I don't think the overall message here by anyone is that they want bigger gifts, but rather they want to feel that people care about the life growing inside that is so precious to them. I would rather have my parents and inlaws ask me a simple question about how I/the baby are doing just once, rather that get all the "big" gifts in the world.

aka ~lioneyes~ :: In love with DH :: DD 5 :: new sweet baby girl 3/14/2011~ both born at home in water
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#22 of 26 Old 12-24-2005, 01:22 AM
 
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I didn't read all of the posts but I think that there is a general concensus with some people (for whatever reason)that the first is a huge deal and subsequent children are great but not as exciting or something. It makes me sad. I would love people to be generally thrilled for you even if you are having your third or fourth. A child is a blessing and always exciting IMO. I say congrats to all of us on these wonderful babies whether it is our first, second, third, or eighth, a baby is a blessing and a miracle and should be greeted as such.
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#23 of 26 Old 12-24-2005, 01:35 AM
 
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I have always reacted to this as well (OP). I remember once when we were members of a church elsewhere there was a new family to the church who were expecting their second baby, another girl. I was making plans to host her shower to celebrate this baby and someone pulled me aside and told me that "Uh, -ahem- the church's policy is to only have showers for the first baby." I was shocked that this was actually a POLICY? It never occurred to me to not celebrate each and every child. True, you don't need as much stuff with subsequent babies, but every baby deserves a celebration, even a quiet one. I always think what will the second, third, fourth, etc. say when they look back on family photos and there are pictures of parties for the first one and not for the others? I think that sends a message to the not-firstborn that their birth is not quite as exciting. This just gets me all riled up. I have also felt the hurt from relatives who have felt free to tell me that we didn't need another baby. (!) :
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#24 of 26 Old 12-24-2005, 02:09 AM
 
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So many of these posts make sense to me, resonate with me.
To whomever posted about the fact that material things shouldn't matter, that what people buy or don't buy shouldn't matter--of course. Babies don't really need all that much. I thought they did before ds was born but all he wanted was to be held in arms and nursed

I don't think in many cases that is what people are venting about. When you're pregnant, whether it's your first or your fifth, you just want the new life to feel cherished and welcomed. Also, you want a little "mama" nurturing. One of the past issues of Mothering had an essay by Peggy called "mothering the mothers." I thought it was great.

Here at MDC, it's good to have a place to come and share hurts or concerns, to clarify our feelings, and to get some of that nurturing that may be lacking out there.

Reading some of these posts were poignant because they brought up some of my own feelings. Ellas mama mentioned she was the second child and felt a lack of equity in how she was treated. I understand those feelings. I'm the youngest in a large family. Everyone thinks the youngest is the "spoiled" one but that's not always the case and it wasn't in my family. There aren't any baby photos of me; by the time my parents had me they were well on their way to being "finished" emotionally as parents. So for me to see how this latest grandchild (my unborn baby) is not acknowledged or even to see how my son is not given the same attention as other grandhildren is hurtful.

Unfortunately, when people do not express their emotions very well, sometimes external tangible things are the only markers of how they may feel. I think some posters are frustrated to see some family members being treated with favoritism. And yeah, it is a bummer when your sister's eldest child gets all sorts of attention and your beloved kid doesn't.

Sleepymama, that is so sad that you aren't/didn't get any offers of help from your mother when you were sick. I sympathize.

Boobiemama, that is just awful that you didn't get a congratulations card when your son was born. No excuse for that at all.

The only "congratulations, you're expecting" cards I've gotten in this second pregnancy have been from friends, not family. But I've also realized how grateful I am for THAT, for friends and my husband's co workers who are enthusiastic about this baby and who think to ask how I am doing. I realize who cares and who doesn't. I was looking over Christmas and holiday cards we've received today. We haven't gotten a single card from my immediate family, but we've received a ton from friends. IT's a good feeling to look at these cards and think of those friends.

I also realize the good fortune I do have and feel lucky to be expecting this child. Dh, ds and I are looking forward to the baby and that's all that matters.
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#25 of 26 Old 12-26-2005, 03:55 PM
 
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It realy is terrible to get that feeling.
Our families were happy about our first two but it sure was a different reaction when my husband told his family about this baby which is baby number three.
That realy hurt since he is a third child and always new that he wasn't planned.
My sister in law said we better be careful or we would have to buy a bigger vehicle( we have a 7 passenger mini Van!)I guess she can't count!
My family has been great but I sure feel bad for my husband!
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#26 of 26 Old 12-28-2005, 04:31 PM
 
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ditto all that was said about it not being about material things, even just a bit of help here and there would be a really lovely gesture.
My mil (who lives less than one mile away) was being really not helpful for about the first six months. Finally is being a bit better but I'm really getting sick of her being a bit of a harpie about things. Its like I say white and she says black and then makes my dh think I'm being a cow about thinking it was white.

don't mind me I'm hungry and grumpy and bored. Not a good combination.
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