Anybody else need to vent? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 5 Old 11-12-2005, 04:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I haven't had alot to complain about, but suddenly it's like I can't do ANYTHING right, according to one of my sisters.

I saw her this weekend, and I was complaining about my house and some of the problems with it. But hey, it's paid for, and at least I have a home. Not to mention, we live on my husband's family's AWESOME land, in the country, with lots of privacy, horses running around, lots of wildlife, etc. These are things that are important to DH and I. Well she starts going off about how we should just sell all our land and get a real house. Or move in with my ILs, who have a large house . I mentioned something about my kids having to share one bedroom for awhile, until we can build a house (something in the forseeable future, not some pipe dream). She was like, 'Your kids can't share a room! They're going to have to have seperate rooms." Yeah, maybe by the time they are in junior high, but for awhile, I don't see what the problem is. The only other spare room we have in our house is where we keep the computer, our huge book collection, coats, extra clothes, etc. and is also our home office for our business. And she was trying to tell me we are just going to have to give it up and move all that stuff elsewhere. This made me start feeling like maybe I am just being selfish, and I was about ready to cry. I told my other sister about it, and she was furious with the first one for making me feel that way, and convinced me that there is nothing wrong with anything we are doing.

Then, because our business is just getting going, and we're not making a profit yet, we should sell our business and get jobs . Never mind that this business is DH's dream, and all he has ever wanted to do, and neither one of us has really had a job that wasn't some minimum-wage waste of time.

Then today, my other sister told me that the first sister is totally freaked out about me thinking about not vaxing, and about homeschooling. Even though she has never said a word about either one to me. I understand where this sister is coming from, because she was a nursing student for a long time, and she's a teacher now, so of course she's going to have those opinions.

Also, DH's sister (who is alot like my sister!) is convinced that I can't cope with natural childbirth, and that our kids are going to be weird if we homeschool.

It's hard for us because we are the first people in our family to do any of these things, and we don't have friends that do any of this, either. My midwives and my Bradley teacher are into some of these things, and they are the only "real-life" people we know who do them. I get alot of help from this forum, luckily. Also, my ILs are cool about everything we want to do, and the rest of my family defends my choices, even though they are choices that they would never personally make. It's pretty sad when one or two people can make you feel like you are a f*$k-up, and that you are going to turn your children into freaks.

Sorry this is so long. I just had to vent! I figure alot of you have things to vent about, too, so we might as well vent together. I'm really glad to have people like you guys around for support, even if you all live FAR away from me . It's better than nothing.
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#2 of 5 Old 11-12-2005, 06:18 PM
 
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I so know what mean, it's not fun being the different one. We don't vax, are going to homeschool, do not own a TV, buy organic when we have the $$, do not eat refined sugar, cosleep, etc... and everyone loves to give their opinion. My mom says my kids are being deprived because of the no TV and homeschooling idea. My MIL is a pediatric nurse so you can imagine her opinion on vaccinations and she loves to give us formula samples. My father has been trying to sneak my oldest son coffee since he was 1 year old! It is hard, but luckily we have found a couple to be friends with who have similar views and honestly we're closer and trust them more with our children than our own families. Seek out similiar people is my advice. But I know it is hard to take all that especially with all the hormones wreaking havoc on us pregnant people.

Alicia + James = Gabriel (9), Uriah (7), Ayla (5), Noah (3), Azriel (1), and due Oct. 2011

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#3 of 5 Old 11-12-2005, 08:47 PM
 
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you are doing the right thing! kids can share rooms. mine will be for awhile. i think it is good for them anyway when they are little.

and you are right for supporting your DH in doing what he wants to do. so many people just have a job they hate. if he can have a job he likes to do, then go for it. businesses are hard to start and it will take awhile.

it IS hard being the different one. i feel that way sometimes, mostly with friends because our family was always a little weird anyway. i am not close to any relatives besides dad and sister(who isn't speaking to me right now for her own issues) anyway and could care less what the rest of them think.

s keep your head up and know that you are doing what is right for YOUR family. it isn't their decision.

this is the place to vent!! you will definitely find support here for your decisions!
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#4 of 5 Old 11-12-2005, 08:49 PM
 
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I'm so sorry your family isn't being more supportive!

My mom took the passive aggressive approach against our choice to homebirth. When I was 7 months pregnant last time, we were at a get together with a group of her friends and they literally had a homebirth intervention. My mom stayed in the background so her friends could be the bad guys, but it was horrible. They brought out all the doomsday scenarios trying to convince me that our baby was screwed if not born in a hospital. Worst of all, every time my husband tried to back me up, they told him that because he's a man, his opinion is worthless. Umm, as the father of my child, he matters a lot! I'm not much of a debater--I prefer to live out my convictions and let the fruits of that show that we made the right choices--so having 4 or 5 women verbally attacking me was rough. I know my statistics when it comes to birth though, so they tried to rely on "this one gal WOULD HAVE DIED without that emergency csection!" stories, which hold no ground with me since so many of those are either unnecessary or prompted by hospital interventions in the first place. Anyway, we ended up only allowing my SIL (a nurse who wants to eventually be a midwife) be around for Peter's birth and we called all other family members once he arrived. I didn't want their fear to rub off on me. I'm sure my MIL would have been fine, but my mom would have been really hurt if we'd only invited her.

Now that my mom is a bit more comfortable with homebirth, we'll probably put her in charge of my son when this baby arrives. That might mean taking him back to their house for the duration of labor and it might mean being in the room with us the whole time, but I think so long as her focus is on Peter, it'll work out.

Anyway, I understand pressure from families and empathize. I hope that as they see how well your kids turn out in the environment you provide, they'll realize you have good reasons to make your own choices. I think a small house on lots of land sounds excellent! We have a 2 bedroom house (and soon to be 2 kids) and I don't care in the slightest about room sharing. The baby will cosleep for at least a year or two anyway. At that point, if I'm pregnant with a third, we'll probably have to find someplace bigger, but we'll deal with that when it comes.

Mama to Peter (3/8/04), Leo (3/12/06), Timothy (7/24/10), and boy #4 due on the summer solstice 2014
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#5 of 5 Old 11-12-2005, 10:37 PM
 
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Doing what's right for you = Doing the right thing.

Your house has love, heat, food, and two adults who can slather kids with attention. If people freak out because you're doing things differently, that's their narrow-mindedness, not your problem.

My boys share a bedroom, and have since they stopped co-sleeping. They love it. We're having a boy this time, and adopting a girl soon, so they're going to share our other bedroom for a few years. Not a big deal.

As for all your other "alternative" choices....it's YOUR family! How would your sister feel if someone from Nigeria, Sweden, or Peru came into her house and told her how to live, how to function, how to raise her kids, how many rooms to have, what kind of job to get....that's crazy.

All I can say is keep walking your own path. People will get used to it, and dealing with negative reactions is something that'll get easier with time. Plus, if you're the first among your friends to try all these new things, you might have a "positive" influence on people! I can't tell you how many friends of mine have chosen to do extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and not to circumcise. It's cool!

Good for you for being a pioneer. The fact that you don't have much support IRL makes it harder for you, but you love your (immediate) family enough to listen to what you feel (and know) is right for them.

RedOak ~ Momma to DS (8) , DS (4) , DD (3) , & DD 9/10 ~
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