Vent: Unsolicited parenting advice (Update...sorta) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 11-23-2005, 06:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I went in for my big u/s on Monday. Thank G-d everything looks great with the baby....

But then the dr (not my Ob, who I love, but the maternal-fetal geneticist who oversees the u/s and other stuff) starts in with "You're still nursing? Dr. W [my ob] didn't tell you to stop?" (This all came about because we were joking that my LMP was the same for both pregnancies.) I said, "No. In fact, I nursed my daughter in front of him at one of my early appointments, and he didn't say a word. [Have I mentioned how cool he is? I am VBACing with him.] And a few weeks later I asked him if I needed to take calcium supplements for the three of us." [His answer was no, not necessary, which, as it turns out, agrees with kellymom.com. How much do I like this guy???]

She seemed stunned, but said, "Oh, well, I totally trust him." I asked if she thought the baby (the one inside ) was not getting enough, was on the small side, etc. Both she and the tech (a woman and mother of at least 2 also) said no, baby was a good size (14 oz, approx), measured exactly on target for 20 weeks (I had the u/s at 20w0d). But then they both started in "mother to mother" on how I should wean dd before the baby comes so she "won't regress." [How could they possibly know how I parent? All they know about me is that I am still nursing a 17 month old. That's IT!] At this point I had pretty much stopped listening (dh had wisely tuned out 5 min before and was just looking at the baby), but I just kept thinking, "Regress to WHAT? Being a nursing toddler? That's what she is!" Sheesh, if I have to spend a lot of time nursing them both before dd loses interest and goes back to 3-4 times a day, what's it to them? (or my mom or whoever)--As I tried to explain, I am a SAHM! That's my job! (The dr and tech also seemed to think, incorrectly, that nutritionally the milk would favor the toddler and give the nb the short shrift....I am so tempted to fax them pages from kellymom.com) I seem to be the only person on earth (other than dh and my LLL pals) who seems to think that tandem nursing could ease the transition for dd, instead of making her jealous and unreasonable. I am SO grateful I still have milk now I can't even explain it in words. (She is down to only 3-4 times in a 24 hr period, but I can't imagine her giving those up until college at least ) Anyway....

Sorry for the vent. Had to get it out to someone other than dh, who is getting sick of the same thing over and over
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#2 of 8 Old 11-23-2005, 11:56 PM
 
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It seems like the people with the least credible info (aka just their blinking opinions) seem to think they know everything!
You are doing great! Dont let them bring you down.
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#3 of 8 Old 11-24-2005, 04:06 AM
 
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people who haven't nurses their children *can* be pretty ignorant when it comes to nursing/getting pg/tandem nursing. I thought i would have to wean my dd(3) before this baby comes, but i realized that it doesn't and won't bother me to tandem nurse, I just don't want to be tandem nursing at night. Dd is doing much better now (nursing 2-3 times,usually a night) than she was a month ago and I know it'll be better yet by april. My goal is to get her down to just nursing to go night-night and possibly sleeping in a sidecar-crib. My ONLY reason for this is because i back problems and HUGE breasts and it it difficult for me to position comfortably, especially with a newborn and because i am the only one taking care of children at night, I can't possibly do everything by myself.

I think it's kind of silly to wean a child so they won't regress...that doesn't even make sense. you don't "regress" back to nursing....as if that was a bad thing your babe' either needs that connection with you or she doesn't. you either attend to your baby's needs or you don't. Frankly, i prefer dd doesn't totally wean until after the baby comes because i want her to know for certain that it is her choice not to nurse and the new baby does not impinge on her rights in the family. (of course, that doesn't mean mama can't pull some rank and help decide when and how long

anyway, good for you for not beating your stand-in-doc senseless!
sarah

Mama to girl (11), boy (7) and girl (4).  "Can't we all just get along?" joy.gif
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#4 of 8 Old 11-24-2005, 12:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatoady
your babe' either needs that connection with you or she doesn't. you either attend to your baby's needs or you don't. Frankly, i prefer dd doesn't totally wean until after the baby comes because i want her to know for certain that it is her choice not to nurse and the new baby does not impinge on her rights in the family. (of course, that doesn't mean mama can't pull some rank and help decide when and how long
Sarah,

I totally agree! With all of it

I am also trying to nightwean (well, not nurse dd before 5am, pref. 6)--we have dd in a toddler bed in our room, are planning to sidecar a crib on my side for the babe because dd always winds up in bed between us. Unfortunately it's not going so well--she wakes up, wants to nurse, and cries when we ask to her wait. If she is allowed to snuggle against me, she will eventually (like after an hour and a half ) go back to sleep (after signing sleep and nurse alternately); but if dh tries to comfort her there is much screaming and pointing at me. I know that she doesn't NEED the nutritional aspect--because when she goes back to sleep she often goes until 8am (12+ hours from bedtime nursing). I am just TIRED. 3-4:30 am is not a period I like to be awake, KWIM?
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#5 of 8 Old 12-02-2005, 01:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I brought up the whole incident today when I saw my OB. I told him, "First of all, I can only take unsolicited parenting advice from certain people...like my mom. Second of all, I don't want to seem like I am tattling on anyone, but these women are in a position of influence and they have their facts totally wrong."

He agreed with me...seemed upset that the Dr. was questioning his medical advice (or lack thereof) to me (can you blame him?). He also agreed that for the majority of women (who are getting adequate nutrition) there should be no problem nursing through pregnancy--gotta be careful at the end re: nipple stimulation, but other than that, feel free. He said, "I must have skipped the day in medical school where we were told that it's not ok for women to nurse through pregnancy or to nurse 2 kids." I told him I wished that EVERYONE had skipped that day.
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#6 of 8 Old 12-02-2005, 02:17 PM
 
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Holy cow! That is sooooooo irritating. I have never been one who responds well to unwanted parenting advice, but this would have sent me over the edge! Thank goodness you have a cool OB. Really, he sounds awesome.

I would have been really super cold to them and just said, "Thanks for your advice. We have everything under control" and not responded again. Oooh! This burns me up.
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#7 of 8 Old 12-02-2005, 02:57 PM
 
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How lame. I would have been tempted to laugh at her. I chose not to nurse through this pregnancy because my son and I were apart for a couple weeks this summer (family trip to in laws Russia with Dh which I can only go for half of) after he turned two and I figured it was a fitting time to let it go, which happened to be when I conceived (I mean, right before I left Russia and DH stayed there for 2 more weeks with DS, obviously DH was involved, LOL). But if I ever conceive with a child that's younger I'll do it.

A lot of OBs I think dont know that much about nursing. Many of them could only do it while on leave which is short, esp for residents (right now I have a friend who is due in Jan and is an OB resident-- she can only nurse for the six weeks she's out because there literally is no way she could keep a reliable pumping schedule while in the hospital-- although she could do part breastmilk by pumping once before and after shifts). So, they don't read up on it in detail because in the end it's more of a pediatric thing (and pediatricians screw it up all the time to time). I think my OB friend knows more about it now from reading Dr Sears' books in preparation for this child. The last time I saw her, two years ago when she started residency, she knew a lot less about the benefits of breastmilk than I did, despite having finished medical school.

I just put it down to the fact that doctors are professionals with a certain set of skills, not all knowing health Gods (even though some think they are). If you want to really know about nursing, you see people who are experts in it-- LCs.
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#8 of 8 Old 12-05-2005, 03:00 PM
 
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I have to say as a mom who started this pregnancy nursing that nature knows best!

I was a bit worried about nursing and being pregnant becasue I was getting faint after nursing and thinking I was having blood sugar issues. I'm busy with a fast metabolism and was having a hard time eating enough food for three.

At about 15/16 weeks - DS was almost 2.5 years old - he announced that "Ditty" was "broke". I figured he'd be up for comfort nursing but no dice on that - he just took to biting and pinching to try to get milk outta there! And so we cuddle to sleep now - with no protest at all - no tears, kind of bizarre since he was such a boob kid! No engorgement or anything - really as smooth as it would have been if he had been older and truly led his own weaning. That said I think this will be last pregnancy - at least for a while - I sometimes wish he had been able to nurse until he really wanted to stop - instead of having the milk dissappaer on him.

Anyway - my point is that when push comes to shove - the milk goes. But really - the unwanted advise has got to go huh? I have people telling me I'll be too busy with 2 kids to nurse the second one at all (or to nurse as I did with ds - no bottles) and that I'll want to send him to school so I can get him out of the house and stare at the baby by itself (I guess)!

It's so refreshing to hear that I'm not the only mom who has faith in herself, her body and her children!
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