Why doesn't anyone believe in me? - Mothering Forums
April 2006 > Why doesn't anyone believe in me?
mamaginabean's Avatar mamaginabean 05:53 PM 03-24-2006
Long post, sorry....

I am going for an unmedicated birth. I know that I can do this, my body was made to do this. The other day, my sister says *out of the blue* "I don't think you're going to do very well with labor pain". She has no children. Does she think that because she has endometriosis that she's like the pain expert or something? Hurt feelings #1.

Last week, we're over at my MIL's house and she asks if we've taken any classes. I told her that we took a "coping with labor class", and my DH chimes in that it was a huge waste of time since it was basically a "get an epidural and deal that way" class. So she says...."So that's what you're going to do, right...get the epidural?" I told her no, I'm going natural. She has the *ahem* balls to say "Why, because you THINK it's better for the baby?". This coming from a woman that had a c-section because DH was "too big" at 8lbs5oz, didn't breastfeed, etc etc etc. Ummmm....no, I KNOW it's better for the baby, it's not like it's my opinion or something. Hurt feelings #2.

My cousin was talking to my mom and mom told her that I was doing this natural and that it's written in my chart not to even offer meds. Cousin says "Oh yeah, I had that written in my chart too. It won't last." This also coming from a woman who has had Demoral for the births of all of her children, thinks that breastfeeding is too much of an "inconvenience" etc.etc.
Hurt feelings #3.

I just feel like I'm the weird one for wanting to do what nature intended.... and that everyone else is normal for wanting an epidural or pain meds. The only people that believe in me is myself, my mom, and my husband. Why am I getting almost no support in this? The only time I feel "normal" about my decisions is when I'm here on this board.....I don't know anyone even semi-crispy in real life.

Eli's_mommy's Avatar Eli's_mommy 06:17 PM 03-24-2006
I'm so sorry...
I've come across many people like this as well. You just have to brush them right off. It is really unfortunate how many people in this world are ignorant to natural child birth. It might make you feel a little bit better to know that they're probably saying these things not to be mean, but because they care about you and don't want you to be in pain. Don't get me wrong, it's horribly insensitive, but I think if they realized it hurt you like it does that maybe they'd stop.

I'd just tell them that when they want to look over information about natural childbirth vs medicated childbirth with you, then you'd go ahead and have an educated conversation with them, but in the meantime to just not mention it again
Attached Mama's Avatar Attached Mama 06:19 PM 03-24-2006
i got a lot of similiar stuff - people are just ignorant and don't want to believe that there is a better way than the path they have blindly followed. i was told so many times by DH's family that i wouldn't like BF. i think they are amazed my daughter is still BF at 8 months. Got similiar stuff about the birth. Well, my theory is if they are nosy and rude enough to stick their opinions in my face then they have given me permission to enlighten them. so i'd be armed with some statistics - like the fact that 2x as many women die from c-sections as from vaginal births, etc etc etc. i have just decided that i'm going to start a file and add facts and sources of the facts to it whenever i read a really good one. What prompted this is friends in med school who are telling another friend of mine that she is stupid to have an out of hsptl birth. makes me really mad because they had my friend really scared. (she's already had a successful birth center birth too!) So my friend even toured the hsptl they recommended just to make them happy, but they won't tour the birth center now. Grrr... so I'm going to get myself armed not only with the facts which i know, but with valid sources that those facts come from for the really skeptical. how dare they argue with me next time !!!:
PinkPixie's Avatar PinkPixie 06:56 PM 03-24-2006
You CAN do it!!!
Heck, I would be so mad that it would give me the extra energy in labor to proove them wrong!
Don't let people get to you, you know what is best and right for you. This is YOUR birth, no theirs.
Daisie125's Avatar Daisie125 06:58 PM 03-24-2006
Lurking from DIM. I know how you feel, mama. It SUCKS. I see that you are in Michigan too, which, unless you are in Ann Arbor is the land of the un-crunch

The sad thing is, that when it does happen, they will make all sorts of excuses like "well, it was a short labor" or "she's probably lying about not having drugs" or whatever else they can come up with to make themselves feel better.

Don't let it get to you, if they aren't supportive then just smile and nod and ignore them
Citykid's Avatar Citykid 07:05 PM 03-24-2006
I'm right there with you, Mamaginabean. I try to avoid telling people my birth plans because I don't want to deal with their attitudes. The people I've told, I know they're snickering to themselves, "oh yeah, she'll see..." Whatever. I'm going to try to do what's best for me and my baby and if I succeed then I can rub it in their faces and if I end up needing some interventions, well then at least I tried to do what's best for me and my baby!

At least I won't end up like my nosy boss who had an emergency C because her db's heart rate dropped when she got her epidural, surprise surprise! Or like my mom who cruised to 7 cm in 5 hours but then was told she wasn't progressing when she paused at 7 cm for one measly hour!

/end rant
2+twins's Avatar 2+twins 07:05 PM 03-24-2006
I'd say (not to be rude or anything towards your family), but consider the source of who's telling you negative stuff. They don't sound very educated in the matter. So let it roll off your back.

We're here to support you and we will b/c we know better! You CAN do this mama! Lots of us have been first timers who went natural when no one else they knew had or would even consider it. Thankfully the people who matter most (your mom & dh) are in your corner. Just don't let anyone who isn't near you in labor.
aweynsayl's Avatar aweynsayl 07:09 PM 03-24-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by love_homebirthing
I'd say (not to be rude or anything towards your family), but consider the source of who's telling you negative stuff. They don't sound very educated in the matter. So let it roll off your back.

We're here to support you and we will b/c we know better! You CAN do this mama! Lots of us have been first timers who went natural when no one else they knew had or would even consider it. Thankfully the people who matter most (your mom & dh) are in your corner. Just don't let anyone who isn't near you in labor.
:

Huge hugs. I'm so sorry you have that negativity coming at you.
Stayathomemommy's Avatar Stayathomemommy 07:10 PM 03-24-2006
you have all the support you will ever need right here!!! dont worry about what others think. its great you have your mom and husband on board that is still more then some. your inner strength is stronger then a couple of silly comments. its best we learn how to deal with ignorant people now because once the baby comes everyone is an expert and will give you tons of horrible advice!!!!! so dealing with the comments during pregnancy is just practice. keep your spirits up by coming here, reading good books, and just laugh when someone makes a silly comment. i always pretend like i think they are kidding and laugh at them and say,"oh thats so silly". that shuts them up.
UmmBnB's Avatar UmmBnB 07:12 PM 03-24-2006
I used the response, "Well, if childbirth was so ungodly painful, the human species would have died out eons ago." I'm pretty sure I'll be OK with the pain, just like centuries of women were OK.

Incidently, I had two homebirths which I truly catagorize as pain-free. Intense, yes, but not what I'd classify as painful.
mamachandi's Avatar mamachandi 07:16 PM 03-24-2006
please don't invite anyone of those people to be present at your birth- their negativity and doubt could possibly hinder the outcome.
you CAN do it. your body is perfect and was made to birth babies perfectly. In the hospital,unless you have very enlightened staff,will ask if you want pain meds and may scoff at you saying no,even though you told them ahead of time,its just the way it is. which means you need to be even stronger.
My family was the same way- it gave me more power and conviction to do it. stay strong!!! think of the millions of mamas who've done it before you...we are strong not weak-don't let them make you feel inadequate.
Kathryn's Avatar Kathryn 07:21 PM 03-24-2006
Not in you DDC, but wanted to give some support. I was 18 when I had my dd in June of 2004. No one believed in me. No one. They kept saying "oh, you'll get the epi, you know you will" (even though I couldn't because I wasn't going to a hospital to be put in that situation). I just always told them that I was a very strong woman and I knew what I was going to do and I knew I could do it. I had my dd without a drop of pain relief. It was so wonderful. I made a point to tell everyone that I didn't use ANY pain relief after I had her. They were all very shocked, but had a new sense of respect for me.

You can do it.
boscopup's Avatar boscopup 07:24 PM 03-24-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisie125
The sad thing is, that when it does happen, they will make all sorts of excuses like "well, it was a short labor" or "she's probably lying about not having drugs" or whatever else they can come up with to make themselves feel better.
Jumping in from November... I've had this happen. I had a 29 weeker preemie, who was 3 lbs 13.4 oz at birth. So when people hear that I did it naturally, they say "Oh, he was so small". Um... like labor with a small baby isn't painful? Yes, I felt painful contractions just like any other laboring woman! I did have a fast labor - 2.5 hours. Fast labors run in my family (and I'm thankful for that!). But that doesn't mean I didn't feel lots of pain, especially when transition hit and my mind was contemplating drugs (they actually asked me if I wanted drugs at that moment, and thankfully my DH stepped in and said no, she doesn't want drugs - he knew what my wishes were and was able to support me in that manner).

Funny thing is... it was my own DH that was skeptical of me doing it drug-free at first!!! But once labor actually hit, I think he realized that since I'd handled PROM and bedrest and using bed pans and all that not-so-fun stuff, I could probably handle labor too. And sure enough, I did.

So YES YOU CAN DO IT, and don't let those people get to you. You will have to deal with people's not-so-helpful "advice" throughout pregnancy AND childrearing, unfortunately. So it's best to learn now to smile, nod, and let it go in one ear and OUT the other.

I'm hoping for a full term baby this time, and if it is full term, it will likely be over 8 lbs. I know I can do it without drugs. I've done it before, and I'll do it again. My DH knows I can do it too. Think positively, and know that there are lots of MDC mamas cheering you on! And don't have anyone in that room who is not supportive of your natural childbirth... Just have good cheerleaders.
hairpin's Avatar hairpin 08:54 PM 03-24-2006
It's definitely good that you have the support of your husband and your mom. Ignore the rest of the people.

I have not shared what I plan to do unless people have asked. I know a lot of people the primary reason they go with a natural birth is because it's healthier for the baby. But my primary reason for wanting a natural birth is kind of spiritual. I feel like this is a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I want to experience it the way that women have in the past. And I feel that if the baby and I are not drugged up, that I will feel closer to him. I also kind of picture God's presence in the labor room. I know it sounds kind of kooky. But maybe if this is part of your answer too, people might bother you about it less.
nighten's Avatar nighten 09:32 PM 03-24-2006
I'm sorry there are such poopers around you right now, mama. I agree with the advice to not have those people be around when you're in labor and giving birth.

What jerks.
But unfortunately you're not alone and that kind of reaction is not uncommon.

You can do it! WE BELIEVE IN YOU!
JefsJen's Avatar JefsJen 10:25 PM 03-24-2006
I'm getting it too. Mine is more the..."Well, your last two ended up in NICU, don't you think you should have them in a hospital, just in case?"

I'm So wanting to just say...."Um, shut up."

Stay encouraged, you are doing what's best. We're here for you! Anytime you need some more encouragment.
celestialdreamer's Avatar celestialdreamer 10:42 PM 03-24-2006
Honestly, I'd recommend staying away from anyone who is bringing such negativity to you until after you've had your baby. I remember feeling the same way you do when I had my first. Heck, at my baby shower with Anna ALL the women who were there went on and on about how I was going to HAVE to get an epidural blah, blah, blah It really was not helpful for me to hear that crap even though I know they all meant well. This time I'm surrounding myself with people that are supportive of me having a natural birth and trying to focus on reading great birth stories. Yes you CAN have a natural birth if you really want one!
BethSLP's Avatar BethSLP 11:20 PM 03-24-2006
my friend who just had a baby girl in January went through this too. Everyone openly laughed at her for trying to go natural. She was very gentle about how she said it too. Like she was going to "try" and she didn't understand why everyone was such an asshole about it.

WELL SHE DID IT!!!

now everyone can just eat their words.

I was so proud of her.

I am having a homebirth so I wont have a choice (which is prolly a good thing for me. hahaha).

I think a lot of people make fun because they are threatened that someone thinks and chooses a better way.

The ones that were the most vocal had early epis, baby born with fever that they didnt see for 2 days after, etc. etc. So of course they will never own up to the fact that the epi lead to the fever and all that.

And many are just uninformed. My brother told me he thought it was crazy and it was like having your teeth drilled without novocaine. He had no concept that its actually not good for the baby or the labor process. Believe me, I'd be the first to take an epi if it was totally harmless.

XOXO
B
Titus2fam's Avatar Titus2fam 11:20 PM 03-24-2006
(((((mamaginabean))))) Don't worry, you'll show 'em all! You just lean on us, and we'll encourage you to SUCCESS! (((((HUGS))))) and YES! You CAN do this! ~sandi
Mom2-4Gs's Avatar Mom2-4Gs 11:33 PM 03-24-2006
Mamaginabean are there any La Leche League Groups around where you live?
If so maybe you can attend a meeting before baby arrives. I always felt better about my choices after attending meetings and talking to like minded mamas!

I'm planning a water birth at a birthing center and people look so shocked!
My MIL said she was glad she would be out of town and I said well your weren't invited anyway!

Just believe in yourself!

Allison
Mom to 4 daughters and ? due end of April
mamaginabean's Avatar mamaginabean 12:39 AM 03-25-2006
I love you guys. I'm sitting here crying *good crying*. I feel so loved. You don't even know me, and look at how you've reached out and helped me more than *alot* of people IRL. I feel so touched, and I really appreciate it. I really needed you guys, and I'm glad that I posted.

I am so bullheaded, even if I am ripping in half I will not get pain medication. But then on the other hand, I am so very afraid of failure. This baby is the best thing that I've ever accomplished, and I want everything to be just perfect for him or her!

I will definatley take everyone's advice! I am also going to find a LLL meeting, I believe there is one in a nearby town. I think it might help me feel not so "weird".

And Daisie125, you hit the nail on the head when you said Michigan is land of the un-crunch!!!
mamachandi's Avatar mamachandi 01:58 AM 03-25-2006
where do you live mamaginabean? I live in michigan too-
gen_here's Avatar gen_here 02:15 AM 03-25-2006
I just wanted to say, I've been in your shoes, my best friend was **just** in your shoes... YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

I got so tired of hearing, "Oh honey, you'll want the drugs" last time. Believe it or not, it was knowing that I could come back an tell them that I DIDN'T want the drugs that got me through some of the roughest parts of labor (mainly a LONG pushing stage).

My best friend had a baby 2 days ago. Her best friend from childhood (not me), who used the same midwives for 2 natural births, told her there was no way she (my friend) would have a natural birth - that she wouldn't be able to hack it.

Both of us had long labors (hers was a few hours longer than mine and with no sleep the night before because of labor onset). Both of us pushed over 3 hours. Neither of us had even a tylenol.

My ds - 9 lbs, 3 oz
Her dd - 7 lbs, 8 oz
Another good friend of mine who did a natural last year - 10 lbs, 3 oz... and no tearing at all.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Believe in yourself. It sounds like your husband believes in you, too. That's a lot of great support you have there!!!!


icxcnika's Avatar icxcnika 03:36 AM 03-25-2006
+

You can do it, mama!

If you haven't read them already, "Active Birth" by Janet Balaskas and "Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way" by Susan McCutcheon are great books to help you with labor and birth. Share them with your dh also!

You can find lots of happy natural birth stories on the internet to read too.

If you pray, you can pray for a happy birth too!

And come back here for support whenever you need it!

God bless,
icxcnika
Titus2fam's Avatar Titus2fam 04:23 AM 03-25-2006
YES! LLL is SUCH a WONDERFUL idea! You will LOVE IT! (((((HUGS))))) sandi
Black Orchid 02:37 PM 03-25-2006
It IS hard! We believe in you and it sounds like your DH does... do you have supportive health care providers? It isn't too late for a doula! And ditto the LLL suggestion, you'll find a lot more open minds there than in the mainstream world and I'll bet you'll get a lot of women willing to share their natural birth stories and give you support.

You can do it!
adtake's Avatar adtake 12:56 PM 03-29-2006
You can so do it!! I decided I wanted to go natural with #1 for the fear factor of the epidural! Nobody leaving a needle in my spine *yuck*! but then thought 'you know what..women have done this for eons..why not me too!' And I did it#1, #2 and planning on #3. Excited about #3 ..i've found homeopathy and am curious how much it will help!!

One thing that did help with my mom and my parenting choices...breastfeeding (she was on BP meds and was told she couldnt), co cleeping... is i told her that she did a great job raising me, now to let me try ...if in 4o years my natural birth, breastfeeding and co sleeping has screwed the boys up she can say told you so....


And you will find great support at your LLL group! I've been going for 4+ years and still call on my LLL friends!!

Hang in there and we are all with you and LUUUFFFF you!!


ps
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom2-4Gs
My MIL said she was glad she would be out of town and I said well your weren't invited anyway!
OMG!! That is hysterical!!! I am cracking up over it!
momsincmay's Avatar momsincmay 01:23 PM 03-29-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaginabean
Long post, sorry....

I am going for an unmedicated birth. I know that I can do this, my body was made to do this. The other day, my sister says *out of the blue* "I don't think you're going to do very well with labor pain". She has no children. Does she think that because she has endometriosis that she's like the pain expert or something? Hurt feelings #1.

Last week, we're over at my MIL's house and she asks if we've taken any classes. I told her that we took a "coping with labor class", and my DH chimes in that it was a huge waste of time since it was basically a "get an epidural and deal that way" class. So she says...."So that's what you're going to do, right...get the epidural?" I told her no, I'm going natural. She has the *ahem* balls to say "Why, because you THINK it's better for the baby?". This coming from a woman that had a c-section because DH was "too big" at 8lbs5oz, didn't breastfeed, etc etc etc. Ummmm....no, I KNOW it's better for the baby, it's not like it's my opinion or something. Hurt feelings #2.

My cousin was talking to my mom and mom told her that I was doing this natural and that it's written in my chart not to even offer meds. Cousin says "Oh yeah, I had that written in my chart too. It won't last." This also coming from a woman who has had Demoral for the births of all of her children, thinks that breastfeeding is too much of an "inconvenience" etc.etc.
Hurt feelings #3.

I just feel like I'm the weird one for wanting to do what nature intended.... and that everyone else is normal for wanting an epidural or pain meds. The only people that believe in me is myself, my mom, and my husband. Why am I getting almost no support in this? The only time I feel "normal" about my decisions is when I'm here on this board.....I don't know anyone even semi-crispy in real life.
First let me start by applauding your decision, natural birth was the way god intended it and no offense to mothers who opt for medication but youve chosen the safest way to give birth.

Im giving you kudos because oddly enough I was one of those mothers who was going to get medicated but arrived at the hospital too late in labor to get anything. I had my mother, my friends, my co workers and just about everybody else telling me get an epidural get demirol get something or you'll regret it. I couldnt and you know what .... I'M GLAD!!:

No matter what anybody says, only you can decide what's best for you. I would let all nay sayers say what they want and not take it so hard. For all you'll go through, I promise you the joy your child will bring wil outweigh all the contractions, pain and rude comments combined in comparison and believe it or not is why I can't wait to do it again (my dd is 10 mos) !
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