VENT: Annoyed with self and BIL(s) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 05-05-2006, 12:11 PM - Thread Starter
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Aaaaarrrrrgh. I am sooo frustrated with myself and annoyed with my BILs right now!!

Last evening, DH and I took a long walk, as we always do. Halfway through, I had what I think was my first real contraction. It felt like a belt of pain around my body, low down near the pelvis. It was intense and lasted a few minutes. I sat down on a bench and the pain went away, and we slowly finished our walk.

Last night, I had my usual regular BHs every ten minutes until I managed to fall asleep.

Today, my husband's brother called, as he's been doing EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST WEEK, despite our assurances that we'll let him know when I go into labor, to see if anything was new. DH told him about the pain I'd had last night, but said it hadn't led to anything. No big deal.

Well, three hours later, BIL's partner calls, and very forcefully insists that I call the birth clinic and talk to the mws about my "pain". I try to explain to him that it was probably just a contraction and no big deal and that I'm not the least bit worried. He's a psychologist and works in a hospital and told me and DH that he was surrounded by doctors, had asked their opinion and they all thought I should call the birth center, blah blah blah blah.

And even though I knew it was stupid and that he was over-reacting and that IT WAS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS, I did what he told me to do and called the mws! They were kind enough not to laugh at me, told me it sounded like a contraction and that I'd soon be having more of them .

But now I'm stewing over the fact that I let him treat us like children and steamroller us despite the fact that we are competent adults and that it's MY body, I know better than any "expert" what's weird / not weird.

I told DH that he was not allowed to share any more details with his brother aside from "we're leaving for the clinic now". I'm also realizing that I'll probably be dealing with this kind of interference FOREVER unless we learn to stand up for ourselves. The problem being that with this particular psychologist (he's also a Freudian psychoanalyst) is that resistance to his ideas tends to be interpreted as a psychological issue.

Grrrrrrrr. Sorry this is so long, I just had to vent. We're seeing them for dinner, I'm not sure how I'll be able to deal calmly with them.....
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#2 of 11 Old 05-05-2006, 12:38 PM
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What is with people? I think there is such a lack of trust in women to know their own bodies, especially in the US. If you can, I would have your dh talk to your BIL and let him know firmly that the two of you will manage your own care and you're NOT interested in outside opinions.

I had a huge fight with my mom over this issue about a month ago. She met two L&D nurses and asked me if I wanted to know what they thought about about midwives, out of hospital birth, etc. When I said no, she got really angry--they were "experts", I was closed-minded, etc. I just didn't see the point. I was 7 months pregnant and very happy with my mws--not like I'm going to switch now b/c two people I've never met have reservations. And if they think birth centers and mws are great, fine, but I really don't need the outside validation. I just don't understand people's need to discuss the birth choices of their pregnant relatives with complete strangers.
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#3 of 11 Old 05-05-2006, 01:12 PM
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I'm feeling a little right now, so I think it could be fun to try to "explore" and psycoanalize a bit why BIL may have such a hard time accepting your decisions!Is HE feeling insecure about a major decision or event in his life?Is he worried HE'll not be the best Uncle?It could go on and on,especially for those who know him...Give him a taste of his own "medicine".See how he likes it! After all,you're just a "little innocent pregnant woman" concerned about HIS wellbeing,right?

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#4 of 11 Old 05-05-2006, 01:12 PM - Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by NYCVeg
I just don't understand people's need to discuss the birth choices of their pregnant relatives with complete strangers.
Exactly!! What business is it of his? And why did he feel the need to share any info with the doctors he works with?

What stresses me out too is the Freudian psychoanalyst part. I'm so sure that he'll end up labelling me because I KNOW that some of my parenting choices will seem shocking to him (and are pretty alien to French child-rearing practices in general).

This is NOT how I wanted the early stages of labor to go, I think I need to let go of my anger and frustration and focus on birthing this baby.

And I'm sorry you had a similar experience. So frustrating to be treated like a child...

ETA: at KindRedSpirit's psychoanalyzing suggestion!! Great idea!
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#5 of 11 Old 05-05-2006, 02:51 PM
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I agree that was awfully nosey and annoying, but try to keep in mind that he was being concerned about you, in his own way. It is the people that love us that are really the most irritating, I have always felt.

Congrats on your body working so hard and good luck with all future contractions. I was walking alot too last night, I was hopeful, but nothing more than a contraction here and a contraction there. Oh well :-)
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#6 of 11 Old 05-05-2006, 06:01 PM
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I can't help but think your BIL's partner made up all the stuff about his doctor colleagues agreeing that you should call the MWs, unless he totally exagerated the story. No reasonable doctor would tell anyone to call in for one little contraction.

Good luck at dinner! They both sound like they're a piece of work.

Kat - mama to Clara (9/29/03): & Iris (5/30/06)
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#7 of 11 Old 05-05-2006, 06:24 PM
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Sounds like he's quite the birth expert. I would screen calls if I was in your position. Plus, is dinner necessary? Why spend time with anyone who does not consider you a birth goddess?? It is a good time to start with setting boundaries with him and feel free to use that word as he will certainly take notice. People will always have opinions about one's parenting but being assertive makes a difference. Now is the time to focus on yourself and your upcoming birth.

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#8 of 11 Old 05-05-2006, 08:07 PM
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People are so weird about pg women for some reason.

I was with my mom today and no less than two people called her cell phone asking about me, and if I'd seen the midwife and when did hte midwife think I'd go into labor? And MIL asked dh the same thing on the phone a bit ago.

Like midwives/doctors can peer at the belly and say "xx days to go" or whatever.
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#9 of 11 Old 05-06-2006, 05:43 AM - Thread Starter
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Yes, I know they just do it 'cuz they love us. But it is soooo aggravating to be treated like a child!

Ksenia, they aren't just birth experts, they are EVERYTHING experts. DH and I joke around about it-- if he asks me if it's going to rain, I tell him to call his brother and find out. Dh has also told me he'll be calling his brother for reports on how I'm feeling from now on!

So most of the time we can laugh it off, this just hit too close to home. We will have to be very firm and assertive with them (not something I'm especially good at with family members, but I'll try!).

Dinner went well last night, we avoided the whole subject and had yummy and spicy Thai food (which I followed up with fresh pineapple, just to see if it would help get things going! ).

In other news, we went for another long walk yesterday and I had another contraction-type thingy that lasted a few minutes and again stopped as soon as I sat down. Is it normal that a cntx stop so quickly when I stop moving?

If it is a contraction, I'm up to one a day : . At this rate, I'll be birthing this baby sometime next winter.
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#10 of 11 Old 05-06-2006, 08:37 AM
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It's funny how a pregnant woman gets SO much attention. So many people want us to be comfortable and safe and are always looking out for us. It's sweet, but it does get annoying too. Last night my MECHANIC called to see how I was doing. He didn't want to talk about our cars (he does that sometimes: "Hi. How's the Volvo doing?"), but he said he was working on a car like ours and started thinking about how I was. His partner just had a baby in the last year, so he now thinks he's an "expert" on pregnancy, birth, and parenting!
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#11 of 11 Old 05-06-2006, 02:00 PM
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I'm glad to see you refrained from a good old fashioned throttling of your ILs at dinner! Ugh, people are so weird. Everyone's got some sort of advice they're sure you need to take b/c how could you possibly make a well thought out, responsible decision for yourself?

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