mixed feelings about your new arrival? (long hormonal rant) - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 16 Old 10-15-2005, 02:08 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Does anyone else have mixed feelings about their impending arrival? I hate to post this but I do and its killing me. We want more kids desperately and this little one was such a wonderful surprise that unfortunately is not going to be quite welcomed with open arms at first. I just want to cry when I think about it.

We told our parents with Lil'bit the minute we found out, and with this one we do not want to tell them at all. We are facing financial difficulties that unfortunately we have to borrow from them to fix (we are unable to get a loan due to our poor credit score). My parents are willing to help without patting an eye (thats what parents are there to do in their eyes). My dhs parents on the other hand are being horrible. They want us to sell our house and move in with my parents and did nothing buy berate my husband because we keep "screwing up". Both sets of parents mentioned us not even thinking about having another one. My parents atleast feel its from the past marital problems we have had, not financial. its just killing me that I cant tell them, especially since they keep bringing it up. My mom has even asked me a few times this past week (hormones from hell) and I kept denying it.

I dont want this child to be treated as a burden. I dont see why how much you make should determine the number of kids you can have. Yes we have borrowed money in the past but we have paid it back. We do not rely on welfare and never have. We always find a way and always will. I want to celebrate this baby with everyone....and yet its become a secret that feels more like a burden.

I dont want to have these feelings. I really want to celebrate with my family and I want them to be happy. Should I just tell them and say screw it? Celebrate because we are happy? Or just wait some more until we cant wait any longer. What would you do?
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#2 of 16 Old 10-15-2005, 03:31 PM
 
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Kathryn. Sorry for the family difficulties. I am running out of the house, and dont' have time to reply, but will come back and do it later. I just didnt' want to read and not reply

Mamato Ruby Violet joy.gif(6 with autism) and someone 1sttri.gif who should make him/herself known sometime in the next month.

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#3 of 16 Old 10-15-2005, 04:27 PM
 
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Familes a re a real b**ch sometimes, eh?
Personally, I would tell them, get it off your chest and if they are not supportiver, well, that is their problem, not yours. I know, easier said than done, but if that's what will make you feel better, then do it - you need to for yourself and your new baby, that is anything but a burden, mama. It'll get better.
have to run...

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#4 of 16 Old 10-15-2005, 07:40 PM
 
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's Kathryn. My theory has always been that if you wait to have children when you have enough money, a big enough house, another car ... you'll never get around to having children. This new little one is an amazing blessing to your family and I am so sorry that you don't even feel like you can share it with your parents. I kind of agree with the pp in that you should tell just to get it off your chest ... tell them why you are apprehensive about telling and also that you are sad you can't share something so amazingly special. But then again, I don't have to be there for any reprocussions either, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I just feel so badly for you ... here are some more 's.

 Me + dh = heartbeat.gif ds (7/01), ds (11/03), ds (6/06)
and dd born 11/21/10 - our T21 SuperBaby ribbluyel.gif heartbeat.gif
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#5 of 16 Old 10-15-2005, 09:48 PM
 
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Our situation is so similar! Our daughter is 9 months now and we just found out we're expecting #2... and we DID have to sell our house and move in with my parents! DH was laid off shortly after dd was born last January and we were having a really tough time financially. I got so stressed, couldn't breastfeed and, if that weren't enough, I got severe ppd to top things of.... So, it's been hell until the past three months or so. We just got settled in with my folks, accepted the loss of our home, and wham, I'm going to have a second baby! I have to laugh, though... I don't mean to make light of your situation - just mine: as soon as we accepted the "worse case scenario" (selling our home and moving in the parents), it's like the Universe says "hey, they can handle anything, these two! Let's bring it on!" :LOL I am very nervous about telling our parents - I know they will be happy but I also know our situation will quickly pop up, too... I mean, I don't know how keen my folks are on having a toddler and a newborn living with them... Hmmm... If nothing else, I hope you can forget at least a little bit about the challenges and see this awesome new life as the miracle it really is!

Agnieszka wife to Kevin, Kalina (Jan 7, 2005), Tosia (June 4, 2006) , and baby Emmett (Dec 27, 2009)
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#6 of 16 Old 10-15-2005, 09:55 PM
 
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Kathryn

Me? I would tell your Mom. She'll probably keep asking and it sounds like she already has her suspicions. Maybe you can find some quiet time together just the two of you to really talk it out - tell her your feelings about this child not being a burdern and how you need people to either be happy for you and celebrate this blessed event or just to keep quiet because you don't need any more negativity or worries right now. Your plate is full But, yeah, I would tell my Mom, especially if she asked me again. You need as much love and support as you can get right now. I hope you two have the kind of relationship where you can tell her and she will be able to be that kind, supportive mother to you.

I hope things will work out ... Please know you're being thought of and that you have support here. I know that's not exactly the same as in real life, but I hope it helps. We're all real people, scattered around, but real and thinking of you and wishing you hope during this hard time.

knit.gifKara~ Rockin' Granola wife to Christopher and mama to J (Nov. '01), M (June '06), L (May '08) and stork-girl.gif (edd 8/3/11)
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#7 of 16 Old 10-15-2005, 11:44 PM
 
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I hope things get better for you & that your family stops being so nasty! It is hard enough being in your first trimester without all this added stress.

Mary

A doula who married a cop & became a mama to 3 boys: G 12/22/00, my rainbow baby B 2/2/07 and L 2/10/10 my CBA2V baby, waiting for my little caboose late February 2013 & always remembering my two angels 2006 & 2012.

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#8 of 16 Old 10-16-2005, 01:38 AM
 
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Money, homes, cars, nice clothes etc. do not make up a life. On your death bed you will not be looking back and saying "Boy, I am sure glad we didn't have any more children so we could afford that nice house and make our parents happy." You obviously do know that the important things in life are your family and friends. You should definitely tell your mom, and also explain to her your values and what is important to you, and why you believe this is a blessing to the whole family, a miracle in disguise, not an "accident." Also maybe let her know that you and your husband appreciate their hospitality, and if it ever becomes too much of a burden you will understand, and that you as a strong and loving family will find a way to get by, and even if you wind up eating mac 'n cheese w/hot dogs for the next 18 years, that you will be happy because you do have that strong loving family, regardless of what past problems you may have encountered.

My husband and I found out we were pregnant around fathers day (we lost that baby unfortunately). He didn't have a job, and myself with no job history and little formal education could not a get a job to pay the bills either. We were in a bad situation, and when we called to tell my MIL we also told her we had waited a few weeks to spread the news because we were afraid should would be unaccepting of the situation and would be disappointed because of our finacial problems. She replied with "Well, you two get to deal with that, I only have to worry about being a being a good grandma." I almost cried, I was so happy she understood, that that was her place and how we dealt with our situation was ours.

I know you living with your mom sort of makes it her problem too, but maybe you could explain to her that same thing "All you need to worry about is being a good grandma and loving this baby, (hubby) and I will deal with all of the rest"

I wish you the best of luck, she WILL accept it eventually, no matter when you tell her, but give her the benefit of the doubt that she will take it graciously.

and congratulations on the wonderful news!
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#9 of 16 Old 10-16-2005, 12:41 PM
 
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That's a hard situation, and I feel for you. I would be as honest as I could about how you feel... tell your mom that you want to be excited about this new baby, and you at the very least need her to be respectful.

DH and I are pregnant again after DS is only one, and we're already looking at financial stuff. May have to sell our house. BUT, I do believe that babies come to you for a reason. Good luck.

Mama to 3 kids. We live in a yurt!
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#10 of 16 Old 10-16-2005, 10:45 PM
 
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With our first we were both working, making good money, had a nice apartment, and were financally 100%. But now, we're broke, my car is almost dead, and things seem to be piling up. Funny, we were trying until things got rough. When we stopped trying is when I got pregnant.

I know how you feel. I've shared the news with my online friends, but I worry that people in real life will be harsh and judgemental. Especially his parents.

A baby is not a burden. I keep telling myself that.


Mom of 3 (Evan, Trey, Saffron ) Blogs at findingsummer.com
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#11 of 16 Old 10-17-2005, 11:09 AM
 
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Kathryn, just wondering how things were going today?

knit.gifKara~ Rockin' Granola wife to Christopher and mama to J (Nov. '01), M (June '06), L (May '08) and stork-girl.gif (edd 8/3/11)
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#12 of 16 Old 10-19-2005, 12:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well things are a little better....yes and no. I told my mom, not the way I wanted to, but in a fit of tears and so atleast its partially out in the open. They are helping us get a loan and we will be strapped for money, but atleast our credit will be getting better. Unfortunately we will have to rely on them even more, but its for the best. She seems to have mixed feelings, the baby of course will be more then loved as she said, but she has made a few comments (how did that happen, you better get "fixed" after you have this one etc etc.) I did a lot of crying over the situation last night, but am better today (my birthday of all days!) Im just going to have to look for a lot of alternatives to things around here. All our gifts are going to have to be made, Im going to try and do trades/swaps for other things, and hopefully make most of this little ones diapers. Im also hoping hubby can keep up the freelance work and I can get some part-time/full time baby sitting. Im really trying to be positive, but our life is going to be a real grim reality. Especailly once my inlaws find out (we are waiting till thanksgiving to tell them- right at my second trimester) But atleast she seems to be a little excited. I know once we find out what it is she will go crazy with the clothes shopping like always, but its really hard since I wont be able to get anything new, unless a miracle happens :

So thats the news. I feel a little sigh of relief, and of course can stop holding my breath a little...which of course seems to mean this little one wants to pop out and start showing...ugg! Thanks all for your well wishes. it really means a lot!
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#13 of 16 Old 10-19-2005, 08:38 AM
 
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Kathryn - I'm so glad you're getting a little relief from this stressful situation. Just having it off your chest to your mom has got to feel better, especially since she kept asking about it. s, mama!

And :

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
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#14 of 16 Old 10-19-2005, 09:42 AM
 
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Yes, Happy Birthday and glad you you at least have a little more peace.

  homeschooling, earth loving Mama to 3 crazy, wonderful boys, ages 10 & 7, & 3 mos.,3 spirit babies                                Inch by inch, row by row.  Gonna make this garden grow  
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#15 of 16 Old 10-19-2005, 06:47 PM
 
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Kathryn, I hope each day it gets a little better and a little easier

And, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

knit.gifKara~ Rockin' Granola wife to Christopher and mama to J (Nov. '01), M (June '06), L (May '08) and stork-girl.gif (edd 8/3/11)
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#16 of 16 Old 10-20-2005, 12:20 AM
 
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Kathryn,
I know exactly how you feel because we're in nearly the same exact situation. We're trying to put off borrowing money from my MIL as long as humanly possible because we know what her reaction will be since she already knows we're expecting again
Our house is actually already up for sale...
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