Having DH issues (A vent) - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 10-31-2005, 03:42 AM - Thread Starter
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So, as most of you have probably figured out, my main complaint is that I'm so darn sleepy. It is really bugging DH and he complained to the doc at our appt on Friday. The doc was supportive and the nurses were "mad" at him for being mean to me but he is still grumpy when 2:00 rolls around and I go to the sofa.

It turns out he has even complained to his mom that I'm tired all the time and she keeps telling him that it is normal. (She doesn't know about the trips yet, but suspects twins based on some stuff dh has said.) I told him to ask his mom how she felt when pg with any of her boys and then remember that I've got 3.

He's also said how proud and happy he is that I'm doing all this research and learning so that I'll have a good pregnancy, but everytime I try to tell him something he says that it is too earlyor that I'm imagining it : . Like the other day I was complaining that my stomach is now jammed up under my lungs and it is hard to eat and climb stairs. He says 2 months is too early. Well...according to the books, my uterus is 8-10 weeks ahead of schedule so yeah it could explain the huffing up the stairs.

I do show him the books and the pics of the embryo and he keeps saying that it can't be true because it is too small. Well, the u/s pic looks like the pic in the book so I'd say it's pretty accurate.

Does anyone else have (or had in other pregnancies) these kind of issues with dh/dp? Any suggestions other than patience (I'm really starting to run out of that ) or books (he doesn't have the time to read). I've been thinking about hunting down that Nova special about pregnancy for us to watch together. What do you think?

Miriam , mom to jumpers.gif
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#2 of 8 Old 10-31-2005, 08:45 AM
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Well, it could be the hormones, or the fact that I'm usually pretty snarky and intolerant of men having opinions about how pregnancy "should" be .....but.....I would probably:

1) Completely ignore him when he makes comments about you being tired "all the time".

2) Tell him, "I'd like to see you nourish and grow 3 human beings and not be a little worn out." (I'm starting to get 'the tireds' the past few days, and I only have one in me!)

3) Remind him that just because a book says something, it doesn't mean it's true. And keep reminding him that, because you'll likely get some "advice" books (or magazines, etc.) with lousy parenting advice that isn't worth the paper it's printed on....

4) I'd be tempted to sleep even longer than I really wanted to. But that's just the beligerant part of me.

Seriously, though, I'd try to not let it get to me. Any woman he complains to is going to realize he's being silly, and any man who agrees with him also has no frame of reference to base his opinion on. I bet it is tough to feel like he thinks you're "milking it" and pushing the progress, though - sorry about that.

Maybe there is a multiples book out there that might have some useful information (even though I just bashed books above - ha!) That might actually explain the differences between multiple gestations and single gestations. I think if I had any book, if I were you, it would be a book like that. You could photocopy pertinent pages about the main differences and leave them out for him, if he doesn't have time to read a whole book. I don't think a Nova special on a single pregnancy would help, because the difference here is you have more than one baby so everything is bigger, earlier, and more than a single.

Again, I tend to be a little feisty when things like this happen, so you can take or leave my initial advice depending on how your DH would react. Maybe someone else will have some more gentle suggestions. You just keep sleeping as much as your body needs to, and grow those babies!!!

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#3 of 8 Old 10-31-2005, 08:52 AM
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s! I don't really have any suggestions or book recommendations, I just wanted to commiserate. My DH is trying so hard to be understanding and is concerned. BUT...the other day he came home from work (and it was one of my days off from school) and got really pissed at me for not getting on top of the dishes. Yeah, just what I want to deal with when I'm quesy, squishy, stinky foodstuffs! EW! I was so pissed at him for being pissed at me (it was the first thing he said when he walked in the door) that I wouldn't talk to him for the rest of the night. I just took myself to bed!

I think it's just really hard for them to understand what we're feeling. We don't look any different, and I'm not even *visibly* ill, just slightly quesy on and off - it's hard for it to be real to them. I had to explain to him the next morning that a) the dishes make me want to barf because of the smell and b) i just really need to do nothing for a lot of the day!

I was just showing him actual size photos of the bean last night, and he was absolutely stunned. "I can see that with my naked eye!" Yeah, duh! That's what's making me so tired, it nearly doubles in size every 4-8 days! Geez!

Oh, and I get winded going up stairs, too, and I've only got the one bean it there!

Have you asked your DH how he got to be such an expert on why everything you're experiencing is "too early"? Is he in the medical field, or is this just anecdotal evidence? Is there some reason he feels better able to make these calls than books written specifically about what you're going through? That would drive me nuts! s again, mama. I hope you find a way to talk to him and validate your experience. Keep right on sleeping!

Chessa , mama to Silas T (6/06) , wife to Chad . Welcome August Emerson! 2/8/10
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#4 of 8 Old 10-31-2005, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Keeta
s! s again, mama. I hope you find a way to talk to him and validate your experience. Keep right on sleeping!

LURKING-- Sorry to butt into your ddc....BUTTTT
I was sooooo tired before I even knew I was pregnant. We were on vacation and I just kept needing sleep... So many factors can make you tired while you're pregnant. I read in a book that the "hormone soup" created an effect similar to that of taking a sleep aid medication.
I told dh that and it seemed to help him understand.
As pregnancy continues, there will be multiple (literally ) reasons for your fatigue to continue and even increase. Also every pregnancy is different and unique, and I hope your dh learns to listen to *you* and not go by his own perceived pregnancy guidelines.
BTW, each labor is also unique, and learning to pay attention to your cues now is good practice for your support person.

read.gif+dp_malesling.GIFreading.gifmoon.gifblahblah.gifjog.gif(All waterbirth.jpg. 3 @ homebirth.jpg30stork-suprise.gif*31*32*33*34*35*36*37*38*39*40?41*42?h20homebirth.gif 
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#5 of 8 Old 10-31-2005, 11:13 AM
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The one suggestion I have for you is to remember that he is probably going into "male-mode" about this & frustrated that he can't do anything to fix it or make it better. Not trying to be sexist or over simplify, but I know my DH feels bad when there isn't anything he can do to improve a situation for me

Hope that perspecitve is helpful. I know my hormones are crazy right now & I get mad at my DH even when he is being awesome & does exactly what I ask...he just keeps reminding me that once this part is past, I never have to do it again (We are stopping at 2)

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#6 of 8 Old 10-31-2005, 01:17 PM
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Well, I have to warn you now to look for a really good labor partner. (Unless, maybe you will not labor because of triplets? Do they force you to have a C-section?)

The reason I say this is my husband was pretty awful in my first pregnancy. It was like he was missing his "sympathy chip" - haha, didn't Jennifer Anniston say that about Brad Pitt? Anyway, my dh was just very impatient with me and my physical difficulties and even became angry at me at times for being sick, or not being able to keep up with housework. This was very depressing to me. Then when I went into labor it was even worse. We were alone at home, and I have a visual imprinted on my brain of me laboring on the toilet in the transition stage and him standing in front of me holding my hand, and I looked up at him and he was staring up at the ceiling with this disgusted look on his face. It was awful. So, what I learned is that he is in no way capable of handling labor or empathizing with me, and that this time I need to have someone else present to rely upon for support.

He had been doing some of the same behaviors this time around recently, as I have been really sick. He brought me some Tylenol and water while I was laying on the couch last week, and when I sat up to take the pills, I swallowed them and then barfed all over his shoes. He got mad, and so I talked to him the next day. I told him how much it was depressing me that he was so unsympathetic and I stressed that I really NEEDED him to help me get through the hard parts of pregnancy, and I reminded him that this phase was only temporary. I also told him that after having been through this once before that I thought he would have learned what to expect for this time. Well, what do you know - I think I got through to him. The next day he did a total turn around and has been helping me and asking if I need help. He did the dishes for me and cleaned up the kitchen and even did some laundry, and he has been much sweeter.

So, I would just tell him that you are sick, and you need extra help when you are sick, just like he would be cared for by you if he was sick. And remind him that you are getting a 3X wallop of pregnancy. I don't think books help at all. This is not an intellectual problem, KWIM?
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#7 of 8 Old 10-31-2005, 01:43 PM
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What exactly does DH stand for? I'm assuming it means a male partner or husband, and I have to say I really empathize with all here.

My DH and I had a heart to heart this weekend. I had come home Friday night exhausted from faking it at work all week and went straight to bed after supper murmuring something about "let's take a nap." Well, when the "nap" turned into the inevitable all-nighter, DH was grumpy and impatient and wanted sex and EVERYTHING.

The next day I was nearly in tears wondering who in the world I was going to be raising this child with and I asked him to sit and talk. We made a deal that I would talk uninterrupted first and then he would (surprisingly, I had a harder time keeping quiet than he did!) I expressed my frustration and how it was making me wonder if he was "ready" to be a Dad. I tried to describe how this is not an ordinary "I need a little rest" kind of tired, but an "if I don't lie down this very second I'm going to die, and the baby will too!" kind of emergency. I talked about how exhausting it's been getting up three or four times a night to pee and the constipation and the nausea and the need for food every hour and how it all was more or less beyond my control.

He listened, bless his heart, and then he spoke. He said I hadn't expressed what "tired" meant to him in these terms before and that they helped. He expressed frustration at my recommendations that he "read up" like I am - he wanted to hear it from me. He said he was absolutely "ready" to have a child and wasn't trying to be a cretin but just didn't understand before how urgently all the bodily changes were acting on me, especially when he can't see any of it from the outside. He made an urgent plea for clarity and honesty when I make requests - as in, don't say "I need a nap" when what I really need is to go to bed for the night.

Anyway, we had a great rest of the weekend. I don't expect that all is permanently solved, but I do feel a lot better, and he is noticeably more solicitous and understanding.

So that's my recommendation - communication. As vivid and as frequent as possible. Remember - he feels left out.
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#8 of 8 Old 10-31-2005, 05:49 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks all! I did end up getting the Nova DVD from Netflix so we'll see it this week and hopefully seeing what's going on will make it easier for him to understand. I'm also pretty excited about it.

I have a book on twins, trips and quads that has a lot of good things like showing how big singleton moms are compared to the others at different weeks. I'm thinking of going through it and marking passages to read to him.

I am looking for a birthing partner/coach because I want to attempt a vaginal birth. What I've read and heard is that it is possible to deliver 1 or 2 vaginally but the chances are pretty slim that all three will come out on their own. I want to wait until my 1st appointment with the ob and periantologist to see if they have someone they work with or recommend. I also want to talk with my dad's girlfriend who is a NICU nurse and see if she wants to take a vacation around my EDD because she is someone I would trust wholeheartedly and has experience. DH said he would pay for her to have a hotel room up here if it would make me comfortable. We'll see.

Miriam , mom to jumpers.gif
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