Starting to Panic - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 11:35 AM - Thread Starter
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Ok, am I going to deal with a newborn and a 2yo? I'm really starting to panic because I've been laying down with dd for her naps, and now I'm thinking, "How will I get Lex down for her nap when I've got a new baby to care for?"

I will consult with Dr. Sears for sure - I'm hoping he has some good advice about it.

Sheesh, I know this is dumb, and I realize that moms all over have done this time and time again without freaking out, but I guess I just worry about the fact that I won't be able to devote as much time to Lex as I have in the past and it really makes me sad.

How have the mamas who have 2 or more dc survived? Any wisdom out there would be most welcome, because I keep remembering the time that my friend called me after she had her second child and told me she understood why some mothers go crazy and kill their kids (and yes, I was shocked when she said that). This was just after the Andrea Yates thing, and I was really scared for my friend. She just kept saying she wanted to pack up her stuff and run away and leave the kids with her dh. Of course, she managed to get through it and her kids are wonderful little human beings, but my gosh. It's scary to see your friend, who is relatively sane, turn into a blubbering mess of tears and emotion.

Sorry so long-winded, just wondering if anyone has some tips for surviving!
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#2 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 11:55 AM
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it sound like your friend was probably dealing w/ some post-partum depression, or not getting enough help, or both!

My dd will be just over 2 when the new baby is born. In talking to friends who have gone through it already - the consensus seems to be "get lots of help & support." My husband is taking awhile off (saving vacation time now) My mom is coming out to help for about a month & will come before the baby & stay for awhile after. Plus, I have had lots of offers from friends & neighbors to bring meals, help clean, etc. when the time comes. I would say - take advantage of any/all help that us offered!
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#3 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 12:27 PM
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I can understand your friend's feeling of wanting to run away, I went through that myself!
My daughter was 25 months when my son was born, and it wasn't super easy. However, it wasn't impossible either. I don't think it is something you can prepare for, you just adapt as you go. You learn little tricks to keep both kids happy as often as possible and what those tricks are depends on your kids personalities.
One of the big things I found that helped us was to be prepared in my nursing chair for my daughter. You know how you are supposed to have all sorts of things in your nursing corner for you like water, snack, etc... do the same for your kid. Before you sit down, get them a snack and something to drink, a book, etc. Or learn how to nurse walking around I have done that too. Another thing was that my husband took much more responsibility with Amelia. Whenever he went on errands, she went with him. That way she got one-on-one time with a parent and got lots of attention. It also gave me time alone with the baby to lay in bed and nurse and nap a bit.
I am not sure how i am going to cordinate 3 kids come this summer, but I am sure we will find a way to adapt and change and roll with it to make it all work. Have faith, you can do this!

Erika, mama to three beautiful kids (plus one gestating), and wife to one fantastic man.

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#4 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 12:58 PM
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My girls are exactly 2 years apart, and this one will be exactly 2 more years behind dd2. I remember the first few months as being very challenging, but also extremely rewarding. I live in an area where family helping isn't common, everyone has the attitude where if you need help you shouldn't have had another child. My MIL who lives 4 hours away helped a few days after dh went back to work, and that was it. It is hard. However, when they get just a little bit older it is amazingly worth it. My dds are best friends and play together all of the time. I am a little apprehensive about how I'll handle another, but I just keeping telling myself that they will grow all too quickly and I will be left wondering, "where did my baby go?" It is normal to be scared but you can do it. Good Luck.


Lisa, mom to M : 6/02, R : 6/04, m/c 6/8/05, L 6/06, and E 8/07
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#5 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 01:19 PM
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All my friends who had two under two said the same thing- get help and get as much as possible. If someone offers dinner, take it! Understand that your household maybe upside down for about 8 weeks until the nursing with the second is settled and the older is used to mama being chained to the baby for a while. It might be crazy in your house for a while and accept it. Also enlist dh's help and make sure he can also do things (even if not as good as you!) he will learn to figure things out just like you did and be patient with him. If anything, start now.

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#6 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
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Yeah, I know it's going to be an adjustment, and dh already knows how to get dd down for the night, so that will help alot...but...

There is a possibility that he'll have to travel for work, meaning he's gone all week and comes home for weekends. Also, he's self-employed, so he can't take any extended time off. He's planning on taking maybe two days off for the delivery so I'm hoping that they are close to a weekend so I have some steady help for the first week at least.

My mother and I don't speak (long story short - she's poison, toxic, etc. - don't want her around me or my children) and my MIL is dealing with FIL and his Alzheimer's. My closest friend lives in Seattle (I'm in Texas) so I won't have much help so I am trying to prepare myself.

Believe me, I will gladly accept dinners and any help that is offered - I didn't do that last time because I was pretty clueless!

Thanks for all the good wishes and advice so far!!
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#7 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 02:39 PM
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My Dd has a playroom with a gate. My two will be 21 months apart my Dh is saving up all his vacation time.Iam nervous also but just know you will survive.
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#8 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 04:04 PM
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My son will be 2.5 when the baby arrives, so we're in the same boat. I just know it'll be hectic, that my son knows that we love him, and that it'll work itself out.
Over Christmas, my parents had my sister, her husband, and their 3 and 1.5-year olds staying with them, and they watched DS for us while our sitter was off. I was picking him up one evening, and asked my mom what my father thought of the chaos. She grinned and said, "I hope he's remembering I did this all by myself every day while he was at work!" She still has most of her marbles, they're going on 43 years of marriage, there were four of us (two only eight months apart), and nobody's in jail, so there is hope.

eta: My mom breastfed everybody but my sister, too. They adopted her after they found out they were pregnant with me.
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#9 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 06:39 PM
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First Second, breathe try not to worry too much ... I really feel like this is one of those transitions in life you can't really prepare for as much as you just have to take one day at a time and figure out once you're in the situation ... but short of severe ppd, it WILL work out and it WILL be okay

My first dds are 21 months apart and my second set is 22 months apart. First to those of you about to embark on three - let me say that from everyone I have ever spoken to, going from 2-3 is a breeze and so much easier than going from 1-2.

1-2 was my hardest transition, but that said even, there were more days than not when I really felt like "this is easier than I thought." And I don't think I was nearly as prepared as you are Juliwan. I was pretty naive and excited and not giving much thought to how much #2 would change things, just excited for her arrival and in an idiotic bliss about the whole thing, kwim?

I think one thing you need to mentally prepare for (and it sounds like you already are) is the "wedge-effect" I don't think dd1 really felt it, but after a couple of days, I was a little resentful of the wedge that dd2 drove in my relationship with dd1. Before dd2, dd1 was my whole world (and visa versa) and then once I had dd2 and was nursing 24/7, everyone kept coming to entertain or take dd1 on little outings and I was stuck with the nurse-aholic crying baby. I felt like screaming, someone take this baby and give me my dd1 back! But the upside to that was 1) I really don't think that it affected dd1 negatively. She really developed a much closer relationship with dh from that point on and now they are practically inseparable. 2) It really didn't last all that long, perhaps the first month or so while I worked out the kinks...

Since you mentioned the nap thing, I'll just say IME - it's heaven having an older sibling still be young enough to take one You can usually lay down with your older sibling and baby and even take a nap with them I mean especially that first month when baby will be sleeping like a newborn, it shouldn't be a problem to get them both down at the same time and I remember fondly napping with them when I had only 2 kids. Once I had three, the oldest wasn't really napping anymore and when I did get the little ones down at the same time, I felt like I should really spend that quality time with dd1, yk? So I didn't nap as often having #3 or I'd have to get really tricky and scheduled and try to get the younger two to nap while dd1 was at preschool AND make sure if I fell asleep I'd get up in time to pick her up!!

I totally understand your stress. It's a huge unknown, but I really think that having your kids closer in age like you will (+/- 2 years) is ideal. It's definitely tougher in the beginning, but as they get older, you more than make up for that struggle with IMO and IME less sibling rivalry actually.

WOHM married to SAHD, living the dream w/our: 3 girls (14,12,10) and 3 boys (7,5,3) and tie-breaker due Jan 2014

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#10 of 13 Old 01-18-2006, 07:15 PM
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I remember the naps being the most challenging part. Everything else is hard work but doable. I wished for someone to just come over once/day to walk the baby while I put the 2yo down for a nap. I have the good fortune of two big kids this time who will probably do that.

Even if you have a neighbor who likes babies, you're really just asking for 20-30 minutes a day. Of course, some babies are not the type that need constant holding. Some might just hang in a seat on the floor watching a mobile while you lie with the toddler.
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#11 of 13 Old 01-19-2006, 02:02 AM
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Glad you posted this! My two will be 21 months apart. I am getting progressively more worried about it, especially since my first is starting to seem more and more demanding. I keep telling myself that the first 3-4 months will be the hardest.

Luckily my mom lives very close and we get along very well. She will be a huge help. DH will have some time off, but not much.

Ahhhh..... the craziness of it all.... challenging and so sweet at the same time!

Mama to 3 kids. We live in a yurt!
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#12 of 13 Old 01-19-2006, 03:08 AM
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my kids are all about 2yrs apart... I agree it's hard to prepare for, but I've found that all my babies settle into thier own little routine and once they've got a routine we're good to go as long as you can maintain that routine you're fine (which really isn't that hard, just sometimes takes some planning, like I've driven around aimlessly and gotten drive through for snacks for the other kids so that the babies nap wasn't disturbed as I knew that would create problems with the rest of the days events) also even at two kids are pretty understanding. There've been plenty of times where I had to get up from helping the toddler to take care of the baby. We always talk to our kids about how helpless and little the baby is and how much they need us. We make sure we talk about and show pictures of how we did the same for them when they were a little baby. I also try to let do as much as I can to let my toddler help with the new baby, getting diapers, picking out outfits, getting blankets etc.
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#13 of 13 Old 01-19-2006, 09:10 AM
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Wow, I cant believe how many of us feel this way. I have been going through periods of complete excitement to complete anxiety thinking about taking care of 2 babies And, I also feel a small sense of sadness when I think about how much time and attention I have been able to give to ds1 that will totally change when ds2 arrives.......but then I think of how awesome it will be to have 2 to love and I can't wait to see what a great big brother ds1 will be - it's like my heart is just full. But then the panic sets in

Right now, I am really trying to just subtley talk to ds1 about the baby and get him mentally prepared to have someone else around.....I think some of it is sinking in.

  homeschooling, earth loving Mama to 3 crazy, wonderful boys, ages 10 & 7, & 3 mos.,3 spirit babies                                Inch by inch, row by row.  Gonna make this garden grow  
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