I have got to talk about this!! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 03-20-2006, 12:19 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just came home froma baby shower for a new friend who is due on the 1st. These were all military wives, quite young maybe mid to late 20s. Two moms with babes under 6mo, 3 of us preggers-one with twins. We talked about dirth and childen like women tend to do. But I was watching these mothers with their babies, fixing bottles (errgggg) talking about how wonderful WIC is that they give them free formula. We kinda got heated over the circ. dibate because the host of the party, her husband had been circed as an adult and now wishes that his mom did it as a kid. I was telling her that its rare for an adult man to get that done, she said no its not its more common than I think. (grit teeth remember that I am a guest) She said that its best for cleanliness issues and that its better for infection control (I am thinking that if the guy isnt a nasty man he wouldnt have this problem but they seem like a cleanly couple). So we tactfully changed the subject and I went back to watching the moms. One of the moms had laid her son on the floor to play and he started to fuss and generally telling mom that he wanted to be held more, he proceded to roll over on his side to look up at mom and cry at her. She laughs and says "I gotta see tears...you know hes faking it if there are no tears." and taunted her baby further before finally picking him up. I wanted to scream and pick the boy up and cuddle him and scold her for doing that to him. What in the world!!!! he's a baby not a kid who learns manipulation. Babys dont understand manipulation, you just dont let them cry, cuddle them love them, if only for the fact that they are only that small for so long, but better reasons too like letting them know that you are there, that they can always come to you. Ooh it just made me soooooooo mad I wanted to spit but I held my composure and smiled and though how I would love my child so much and thanked the Lord that I have opened my mind and heart to being an AP parent, that I have been exposed to this philisophy, that I am willing to read and research and learn the truth, that I just dont take someones word for law on eather view. I do look at both sides of the coin and I can understand both opinions. I dont condone blindly circing boys. I will actually respect a parent who educates themselves on the procedure and the pros and cons and the risk and long term effects and still chooses to do it than a parent that just does it out of ignorance. I will give this girl the benifit of the doubt that she has never been taught about AP, that she is just a product of mainstream american views on labor, delievery, and child raising. This will keep me from being too ticked off. Oh I gotta go visit an AP site and sooth myself.
Thank you for letting me rant.....
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#2 of 11 Old 03-20-2006, 01:36 PM
 
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Oh Riki! I can relate. Sorry to say it only gets worse as you meet other parents in your parenting travels. If anything do like you said and in your head be thankful that you do not have to raise your family that way and you can come here and vent about it too!

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#3 of 11 Old 03-20-2006, 03:40 PM
 
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I can relate to this. There have been numerous times I've had to bite my tongue when I see bad parenting and moms talking down co-sleeping, nursing, what have you. It's really really disturbing to hear people abject to loving, thoughtful parenting, but like Amy said, this is just the beginning. Eventually, you get used to it, roll your eyes, bite your tongue, though it makes your blood boil.

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#4 of 11 Old 03-20-2006, 03:50 PM
 
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I had someone tell me they were irked that someone else didnt vaccinate I smiled and said either do I after seeing the severe reactions my Dd had that shut them up.lol
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#5 of 11 Old 03-20-2006, 04:11 PM
 
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I forgot the blood boil part. That too!
But, if it was a situation where there was harm being physically done to a child or a family member, that is a different situation.

There are people who would give me advice about our parenting style- ebf, diet, vax, you name it since it might not be what they would do for their family. But since I hate it as well when someone tells me what I should or should not be doing, I also keep my mouth shut and my blood boils like some other mothers who keep their mouth shut about something I do and their blood boils too!

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#6 of 11 Old 03-22-2006, 03:02 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st
There are people who would give me advice about our parenting style- ebf, diet, vax, you name it since it might not be what they would do for their family. But since I hate it as well when someone tells me what I should or should not be doing, I also keep my mouth shut and my blood boils like some other mothers who keep their mouth shut about something I do and their blood boils too!
I agree. I try to remember that I HATE when someone gives me parenting advice (e.g. puts down our chioces). So I try not to do it to others. It's hard sometimes, but you have to bite your tounge and vent on MDC!

And I agree that it only gets worse as you encounter other parents. Good luck to you!
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#7 of 11 Old 03-22-2006, 09:54 AM
 
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It is kinda sad, too, that when you become a parent, the company you keep changes, too Not to derail the thread, but I think this totally goes with the conversation - I was at our natural parenting group "meeting" on MOnday morning and we were talking about homebirth stuff - great conversation, great mamas, great morning. Then I got home and called a dear friend that lives far away and she was like dumb-founded that we were having a baby at the birth center (and not a hospital); so I didnt even mention that we are considering a hb So, yes, people are different, and I didnt get too far into it with her. And I smiled to myself and was glad that I know what I know, and felt even MORE cinfidant about our parenting/ lifestyle choices!
(sorry if that was a ramble).

  homeschooling, earth loving Mama to 3 crazy, wonderful boys, ages 10 & 7, & 3 mos.,3 spirit babies                                Inch by inch, row by row.  Gonna make this garden grow  
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#8 of 11 Old 03-22-2006, 12:06 PM
 
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We've actually been really lucky thus far, with the exception of a few comments from my mother, but then again, she's my mother. I think my favorite gem from her was the day I told her I was planning a home birth, and then about an hour later, we were watching A Baby Story (must.stop.watching.) and a woman had decided to have a natural delivery. My mother muted the TV, turned to me and said, "I can't stand those women who do natural labor. Like they're heroes or something!" I, of course, looked at her like she was crazy, given that I had told her an hour prior that I would be one of those women!

Then of course, she likes to remind me that she can't wait until I'm in labor and she gets to hear all the nasty names I scream at my husband. She is quite proud of herself that the nurses in the hospital where she delivered both my brother and I were talking about her for days because she was screaming so much. Personally, I've been dealing with excruciating pain for the last decade (I broke my neck 10 years ago in a skiing accident) and have pretty much avoided screaming on all occasions when I was dealing with the spasms that made it impossible for me to walk. I know labor is not something anyone can really prepare for, but I know pain, and am pretty good with it. I really don't think I'll be screaming expletives at my husband, or swearing off sex.

Everyone else has been wonderfully supportive, especially my friends, who all think it's so cool that I'm having the baby at home, going to cloth diaper, etc., etc. Since I'm the first one in my circle to get pregnant, it's kind of a novelty, I guess!

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
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#9 of 11 Old 03-22-2006, 12:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mountainsun
It is kinda sad, too, that when you become a parent, the company you keep changes, too Not to derail the thread, but I think this totally goes with the conversation - I was at our natural parenting group "meeting" on MOnday morning and we were talking about homebirth stuff - great conversation, great mamas, great morning. Then I got home and called a dear friend that lives far away and she was like dumb-founded that we were having a baby at the birth center (and not a hospital); so I didnt even mention that we are considering a hb So, yes, people are different, and I didnt get too far into it with her. And I smiled to myself and was glad that I know what I know, and felt even MORE cinfidant about our parenting/ lifestyle choices!
(sorry if that was a ramble).
Amen to that- its amazing how much your company changes when you have children. Of course down the road, you may pick up with them when things change again, but you may not too!

OTH, I have had some interesting experience just being in the NICU with Maggie. They are extremely pro breastfeeding and going as far to give new parents countless lists of studies why you should be pumping for your new preemie etc. I was impressed since I already knew that and how important it was. Imagine my surprise and disdain when the triplets next to her were given formula. My dh said to keep it to myself we do not know the circumstances. He has said that a few times.

Well- the triplets mom was put under for her c section, didn't even get to see them for a few days and her dp is not much support. She dosent even own a car and has two more older ones at home. She never breastfed the first two, was not too informed during her prenatal care about breastfeeding, the list goes on. Never mind the fact she has 3 in the nicu who were conceived naturally by surprise. Do I blame her parenting on her or society? I didn't ask her for this info, she offered it up while chitchatting. She wanted to ask me when we brought dd1 in since she was concerned when was a good time to bring in her other kids. So her choices are different but we are all in this together.

Another mama had a heck of a time pumping. It dosent matter, her little girl has nasty intestianal problems and cannot even tolerate breastmilk. She will have to have a special formula for months-very $$$ also. Seeing this beautiful baby with her very enlarged belly is terrible. She told me she was so sad when she first saw me bring in 7 jars of breastmilk 2 days after Maggie was born since she could not even pump much and her baby was a month old at that point.
I felt like a real jerk inside judging anyone for not pumping or breastfeeding at that point. Not that I judged her for her situation, but I am learning that not everyone had a great breastfeeding experience.

One thing I have learned from parenting the second time around, we all have our own cross to bear. There is no one way to parent. After this happening, I will keep my mouth shut even more and try not to boil over- tough to do!

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#10 of 11 Old 03-22-2006, 02:59 PM
 
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I've definitely had that experience, where you watch someone deal with their infant, and wonder, what the heck are they doing??? Especially when it involves letting them cry, or "scolding" them when they are like, 4 months old! I also get quite heated when people choose not to breastfeed and then talk about breastfeeding as if it were the source of all their problems, and now everything is fine. For instance, at my son's daycare, there was a mom there saying that she started out bfing her daughter but then when she was about 8 weeks old, she just "wanted to nurse all the time" and she switched to formula, quit breastfeeding, and kaboom, miraculously she started sleeping through the night, and was all happy. I was like, grrrrrrrrr, maybe you were "scheduling" her nursings or whatever.

Also, the ILs are the ones that always criticize our/my parenting, especially cosleeping, extended bfing, and choosing NOT to lock our son in his room at night and ignore him.... even though, NO, he does not sleep all night even at 18 months... sigh...... can you tell I get annoyed??

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#11 of 11 Old 03-22-2006, 03:04 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amys1st
One thing I have learned from parenting the second time around, we all have our own cross to bear. There is no one way to parent. After this happening, I will keep my mouth shut even more and try not to boil over- tough to do!
Amen to that! I know I had some pretty "set ideas" about how we were going to do somethings... its amazing when life kicks you in the teeth and makes you re-evaluate things.

I try to never be confrontational with someone about a parenting style because I know I wouldn't appreciate the critizism if the flipside was directed at me. I do try to "casually" alternatives to something, you can usually pick up pretty quickly whether someone is receptive to the info i.e. whether its lack of knowledge or a personal choice.

Its funny my DH is more militant about breastfeeding than I am , of course most of the women that he's in contact with are of the "I tried to breastfeed for about 2 days..." crowd while I'm in contact with those that have struggled with it for months. One of my very good friends never had a strong milk supply. Her routine to try to increase her supply was AMAZING! She would take a variety of herbs, tincture and Domperidone several times a day (like every couple hours). She then would pump hourly (and never getting a drop) for 10-20 minutes and also she would nurse hourly for 20-30 minutes. You do the math on how much free time she had. And she had two other children under the age of 5 at the time with different degrees of autism. She is my hero. Her dedication to breastfeeding her children was just awe inspiring. BUT I can understand where that kind of dedication isn't for everyone.
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