Alright ladies, I need some advice, and this post will be a bit lengthy, as I feel I need to give some back story.
My mother and I have a fairly tenuous relationship. She is bipolar, and an alcoholic. Most recently, she left my brother at college in Indiana (my parents live in PA) for an extra day, because she had a migraine (read: hangover) and couldn't drive out there to pick him up as promised. His campus entirely shuts down when break begins, so he was without food or running water for roughly 36 hours. Thankfully, he had a pack of poptarts and a bottle of water in his dorm, but other than that was out of luck. My mother is 4'11" and goes through about a liter and a half of wine every two days, by herself.
When my mother is sober, we get along fine. We can laugh, and share stories, and joke around. She has always been fairly selfish, and very take-charge, and doesn't really seem to care whose feelings she hurts. She has told me on many occassions that I won't really know what it means to love a child until I have a "real child." I have two daughters (she claims I don't have children yet, because they're step-daughters) in whose lives I have been an active participant since they were both very young (DD1 was 2.5 and DD2 was 18months when I met my DH), and who call me "mama" and refer to me as their "second mommy" when talking about me to friends/biomom's family/anyone who will listen.
Here's the deal:
After everything we have been through, and all the crap she's given me over the years, she is still my mother. Part of me wants her to be at the birth of our DD3, and part of me is terrified she'll show up and take over. My DH is against having her around, as her presence tends to stress me out. If I tell her that we would rather she come *after* delivery, she may be alright with that, but I would really like to have my SIL there with me during labor, as she is the next best thing to having my sister with me. My sis is 700 miles away, and there's no way she could make it for the birth. I'm afraid that if my mom found out my SIL was invited and not her, she's get angry and possibly not speak to me.
I don't know what to do! She's my mom, and I need her now, even though I've not been able to depend on her one iota since getting pregnant. Half the time, she's still asleep when I call at 3 in the afternoon to tell her about my latest midwife appt, so I've just stopped calling. It's easier to live with no contact than the realization that she doesn't care enough to answer the phone.
Should I ask both of them to be there? Just as my SIL and deal with any backlash my mother spews at me? Tell my mom I need her help *after* the birth more than during? Try and hide my SIL's involvement from her?
Help! It's so hard going through pregnancy without a mom. I hate this.