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#1 of 13 Old 04-13-2006, 04:01 PM - Thread Starter
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I went to a funeral this week. That was the best part of the trip.

I found out this week that part of my family discovered, and shared with the rest of my family, the posts that I've made on this forum. Apparently, I'm the only person who rants about family and issues, and I'm supposed to go to my family if I have an issue, even when it would do no good and cause my family undo pain. Either way, I was verbally berated for my betrayal of my family and for the, well, rudeness of my posts. I explained that they were just rants and a way for me to work out my issues, but I now feel defensive about all of my emotions, which causes me to stop communicating about them. I am posting this with a great deal of stress b/c I'm afraid that everything I say will eventually be thrown in my face, IRL. I feel betrayed about the whole thing. Not b/c some family accidentally came upon the posts, but b/c at least one of them saw the need to share them with other family who weren't even a part of the posts. I feel attacked b/c even though I am not particularly emotional in behavior, I do have emotions. Sometimes I have irrational emotions and fears. I know that they are irrational, but I have to work them out in my own way. To put them forth to the people who cause them only leads to the other party saying things like "well, I didn't mean it that way." I know that. But at the same time, that invalidates my feelings. I need to work out stuff in my own way. It's like a diary... w/ feedback. So my entire family now knows my secret and painful thoughts and have literally attacked me for it. I don't know if I should change my handle, hope that they stop reading my posts, or stop visiting this site entirely. I feel like this site is the only place I can go where people aren't going to dismiss or attack my ideas, my questions, my pain or my feelings. My family can't be like that b/c they end up "defending" themselves. I feel like someone published my diary and I'm supposed to take back or apologize for everything I've said. I just hate that the one place I've found to support me in this situation has become yet another source of pain and loneliness.

Check out my radio blog, Pagan Musings, and my writing (as Selina Wolfcat & Sarah Buhrman).
I'm a head-covering witchy mama to DS ('06) and DD ('10) with DH, Stormie, a Heathen breadwinning daddy.
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#2 of 13 Old 04-13-2006, 05:15 PM
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Oh, Wolfcat. I am so sorry that this has happened for you. I don't really have much advice right now, but I wanted to send you a big hug....MDC is a safe haven for many of us who have family and friends IRL that don't agree with or understand/want to understand the NFL/AP parenting choices we are making...

I would not stop visiting MDC. Maybe just stop posting for a while, or maybe get another handle with no identifying info in the siggy line...and wait a while to post again, just lurk for a bit. Just reading other people's posts can be helpful, even if you don't post your own.

Big, big hugs.

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#3 of 13 Old 04-13-2006, 05:24 PM
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I can't read without replying. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not like you posted with real identifying details about family members anyway. I couldn't Google your family members' names and end up at one of your posts! So, yeah, how would they have found out if someone hadn't taken it upon him or herself to share your writing? You innocently sought support, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I wouldn't leave just because of that. Change the name if you have to, but you shouldn't lose an outlet. If you're really feeling watched, there are also natural family/parenting/birth groups on livejournal.com. You can make all posts locked so only community members or people you list as buddies can see them. Sometimes I wish they had that feature here too.
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#4 of 13 Old 04-13-2006, 05:51 PM
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I am so very sorry. That is so wrong on so many levels.

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#5 of 13 Old 04-13-2006, 06:23 PM
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Wow..I am sorry. That would make me feel very violated I think. I would change the handle...but of course it wouldn't be the same now.

I really dislike when people get angry at others because of feelings. You can't help feelings or emotions. Please don't feel defensive about how you feel...you don't need this stress now.

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#6 of 13 Old 04-13-2006, 07:28 PM
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WOW, that seriously sucks. : I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I would feel completley violated if I found out that had happened to me.

I agree. don't leave, I'd talk to a mod and maybe consider changing your name or something.

Mamato Ruby Violet joy.gif(6 with autism) and someone 1sttri.gif who should make him/herself known sometime in the next month.

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#7 of 13 Old 04-13-2006, 08:08 PM
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I'm so sorry, you should not have to defend your feelings. Everyone needs someone/somewhere to go to talk out their frustrations. It is upsetting that whoever of your ILs found your posts didn't think to themselves, "wow, she must be having a really tought time, I wonder what we can do to help her to feel more comfortable?" At the very least you'd think they'd realize you're very hormonal right now and that that might have something to do with it. The other day someone told me there's a website dedicated just to chat and support of people with IL issues... so there are an aweful lot of people out there who need to vent! I told dh about it and he said, "yeah I know, I'm the founder"... took me a minute to get it.
Anyway, if you have to not talk to them in order to feel as okay as possible, I don't see anything wrong with that. It is sad that their behavior may force you to go undercover or not chat at all, and I do hope you stay.

Holly, eternally in love partners.gif with Kolby, Raising Juelie Anise (10y), Behnjamin Shen (6y), and Coen Syaoran (4y). Expecting June 2013 2ndtri.gif

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#8 of 13 Old 04-13-2006, 10:00 PM
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I think it's awful that they felt it was their right to share your writings with other family members. Family? Geez. Venting to strangers is completely different than secretly showing your ventings to everyone else in the family. What a terrible thing to do. Like they've never vented to their friends about family? Whatever.

So sorry this happened. I would totally feel violated and exposed, too.

Lisa - dd 6-06
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#9 of 13 Old 04-14-2006, 11:16 PM
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I'm so sorry this happend to you. I say you change your username and leave any identifying markers out of your sigie. This is a place where we should be able to vent and seek support and advice.
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#10 of 13 Old 04-15-2006, 12:11 AM
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I agree with what everyone else has said. I just wanted to say that I am sorry that this happened.

Lisa, mom to M : 6/02, R : 6/04, m/c 6/8/05, L 6/06, and E 8/07
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#11 of 13 Old 04-15-2006, 01:45 PM
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So sorry this happened to you!

And to your family who is lurking at this:
and you know what? too

Be glad family members I am not your relative.

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#12 of 13 Old 04-17-2006, 11:29 AM
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hugs mama! so sorry that this is happening....but don't lose a supportive shoulder to lean on. stay here....they're already upset, if you leave it won't make them any less upset. so do whats best for you and stay here and get support!!
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#13 of 13 Old 04-17-2006, 02:02 PM
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Sarah - that's so tough. I've had a few of these type of situations myself.

A long time ago, before we were married, my dh read my diary (which was old and mostly from before I met him) - he was so pi$$ed and almost broke up with me b/c of who I had been and what I had said...again mostly all prior to being with him. Though I understood his feelings, I couldn't help but think - I can't be blamed for them or held responsible for them b/c this wasn't meant for you to read! And of course, like you, I felt as violated and betrayed as he might have.

More recently, I exchanged emails with a friend's dh and mentioned it to her that I thought he was sweet and cared an awful lot (they had been having problems) and after that conversation - she went into his email account and read the emails. It was a really weird feeling.

On one hand, I did not say anything I wouldn't say directly to her if the subject came up in the right context, on the other I was trying to lend him a sympathetic ear and so I said things I wouldn't necessarily say in the same way to her. I know she felt violated and perhaps even betrayed, but I felt the same way. I really felt like if you can't trust your dh and your best friend to have a conversation, then...well I can never figure out how to finish that sentence. I was floored that she couldn't trust us to talk (she exchanges emails with my dh on a regular basis, so it's not like it was some insidious/irregular thing b/t me and her dh). She kind of let me off the hook, but I know she got in a big fight with her dh over it and I felt truly awful. I really wanted to try to help their relationship and I feel like she forced me into an uncomfortable situation with her dh - our families are close and now I feel like I can't talk to him at all and I'm sure he feels the same way and it's uncomfortable now like we did something wrong even when we didn't! I imagine that's how you feel with your defensiveness...like you did something wrong and hurt people when that was never your intent but was instead foisted upon you by people reading and then reporting what they read.

Anyway I really feel like (as you said with a diary) you cannot hold a person responsible for what they say in confidence. That conversation wasn't meant for your relations and though they have a right their hurt feelings, nevertheless they cannot hold the you as the writer/speaker responsible for hurting their feelings when what you said was not meant for them. Does that make sense?

Again, it's not exactly the same situation, but a little bit closer than my other stories I have another board that I post on and I made a "venting" type comment about another member (who NEVER posts anymore so much so that I think I had even forgotten she was a member) and sure enough it was read by her within a day. I didn't use her name and no one else would have known who I was talking about but the person I was talking to, but I was pretty uncharitable in what I said. Again though I appreciate the fact that she felt I was "talking behind her back" and was hurt, like you, I felt I was posting a "vent" in a safe haven. Frankly though she certainly has a right to her feelings, I don't think she had the right to blame me for them b/c it wasn't meant for her to read but for another friend to know that I sympathized. It was just really weird and I know her IRL too so I'm sure the uncomfortable situations will continue from time to time. I can't unsay what I said even though I did apologize for being uncharitable and I felt so caught off guard that I didn't even address the fact that hello! why do you just happen to be lurking now? (I happen to think she knew she had done something inconsiderate and was hoping to catch the person I was talking to saying something more along the lines of what I said - thankfully that person has more grace than I do!)

Frankly, if I were you, I'd keep your username and post away. I myself know some mamas from MDC IRL and you do need to be careful of what you say knowing they may possibly come across it, but I wouldn't feel the need to censor yourself completely or go into anonymity. Think of it as an opportunity to do your best venting...meaning that rather than going off completely (like you would in a diary perhaps)...online you need to be aware that things are more public and thus, you have a greater responsibility for what you say. IME, situations like this can actually be good for personal growth because it forces you to consider your words and sometimes even more carefully examine the "other side" before you just "go off"- does that make sense?

I'm not trying to say you don't have a right to vent or that I feel how you post is too strong or that what you said was even uncharitable (I haven't even read the thread addressing what you're probably talking about here...that I know of anyway). I'm just kind of speaking from my experiences, IME, I am a person who does need to learn more control and charity in how I speak. I am a person who does tend to "go off" and knowing that people I know IRL just might happen across what I say, helps me a) keep it a little more under control and b) consider the situation carefully before I post about it and make it public and c) to a certain extent, knowing that people I might be talking about, might be reading, helps me certainly consider more from their POV or those they might be more sympathetic to and IMO that can only bring good out of me and the situation. Kind of like I'm forced to be more open-minded...kwim?

Anyway, long post short, that sucks mama! I hope you're able to find a resolution that feels right for you.

WOHM married to SAHD, living the dream w/our: 3 girls (14,12,10) and 3 boys (7,5,3) and tie-breaker due Jan 2014

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