I really need some feedback here. I am 35 weeks today and over the last month I have felt really, really crazy. Hormonal crazy I suppose. I say that because I have thoughts and feeling rushing thorugh my body that control me that feel very foreign to the "me" I am used to. This is my second pregnancy and I didn't feel this way with my first. I know that some women get this way because I had a friend get downright wacky and impossible to be around in her pregnancy. She was normally a very easy going loving girl that became someone I felt was pretty evil. I fear I'm heading the same way.
This all began around a time I knew I was going to have to find a new place to live. Everything felt very, very out-of-synch. Its difficult to express a feel that is so unnameable. I also began to feel extremely negative and somewhat paranoid of people around me. I was unable to communicate effectively and felt really trapped within myself. My thoughts and words came out of my mouth like mud. I really just wanted to "hole up" with my famly and shut out the rest of the world. I was becoming increasingly hostile and pessimistic. People that I was normally close with began to feel like aliens to me. I am usually a social, outgoing, energetic and postive person that loves being out just so I can interact with people. Now I don't even want to leave my house because it feels like people are in-my-face and in-my-space and I can't handle it.
The reason I am deeply concerned about these new and uncomfortable feelings, is that they have cost me a friendship that was very important to me. On nothing more than these feelings and a long series of misunderstandings (which I understand now were delusions), I completely shut this friend out of my life in a very unfair way. Night after night I am dreaming about her and these dreams are afffecting me all day long--especially because I feel I need her now more than ever but I am positive my actions to end the relationship have been fatal in nature. Realizing how much I've lost because of my "state" is causing me even more pain on top of the wild emotions.
Until this last month, this pregnancy has been very soft and serene. I never expected this to happen to me. I can't talk to anyone or go anywhere. I am incredibly alone and confused. I feel like everyone is trying to "invade" me or my family. Like I said, it feels like I am a marionette and someone is pulling my strings. It feels chemically-caused in that I can identify that they are not part of me. I feel like I've been drugged and can't find the way out.
I thought it may be connected to anxiety surrounding my upcoming birth but I don't really think this is true. When I quiet myself and reflect on my feelings of birth, I am really quite comfotable--whatever the outcome. There isn't much fear. My family life is good too--other than some serious concerns about my husband's health, we are very happy together. I just don't know what to think. I don't know who to talk to about this.
Has anyone else felt "possessed" during any of their pregnancies?
Is there any chance it is a precursor to post-partum depression?
Anything you can offer is greatly appreciated. THANKS!
Syrinx, Soulmate to Pan, Mama to Zion (5), River (3), Silver (1) and expecting a baby Storm...