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#1 of 27 Old 07-21-2006, 05:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How are things going? I'm finding some things not as hard as I thought they would be (like getting ready to go out, and actually going out), some things harder (like not being able to get to DD as *soon* as she cries, like I was able to with DS), and some about as hard as I thought they would be (giving time and attention to DS when I'm SO tired and wish I was napping instead; being less patient with DS sometimes than I wish I was because of said tiredness).

How is everyone else handling the transition from 1 kid to 2 kids?

Oh, and any lurking mamas with more than 2 now, any special pointers for the rest of us? :

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#2 of 27 Old 07-22-2006, 12:46 AM
 
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We're doing alright. I'm pretty level headed about my expectations (it's just my personality), so I'm actually not having any problems dividing my time which surprises most of my friends who've done this, but not me... I hadn't even really considered it would be an issue. Fact of the matter is, DS1 gets attention from me for a time and then I just have to let him know that his brother needs me and I'm going to tend to him and he's just going to have to get over it. Sounds cold, but that for me is the only way to deal with it.

Getting out of the house takes longer, but it's just come down to good planning. I have to get everything together in advance.

My problem areas are... DS1s napping is all out of whack. I fight with him for hours to sleep even though he's exhausted. So, then we have a round-robin of the two of them waking each other and me getting really frustrated.

Also, DS1 has been much more into throwing tantrums or just plain not listening and defying me. It's not as easy to deal with because I can't just chase him around constantly attempting to discipline him. So, consequently his behavior keeps getting worse.

I was TERRIFIED that my 2 y/o would probably accidentally squash or mame my poor newborn within the first few weeks. We're doing pretty good with that though. Aside from me catching him trying to feed the babe raisins, the only other problem I have is him sticking his finger down the baby's throat all the time thinking he's offering his finger as a pacifier (he's seen us do that). No major injuries yet though!
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#3 of 27 Old 07-22-2006, 02:22 AM
 
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I'm feel like i constantly yell at Alexandria even more now since having Ryker than i did before .

I have a hard time gettin Me and Alex a shower in the morning if we have a place to be at a certain time since it takes a little bit for me to nurse Ryker to sleep so i can get me and alex showered and dressed. but thankfully i did okay when i had my PP appt and took both kids with me by myself. I had to get up at 6am since we had to be at my appt at 9am.

Alex has been pretty good with Ryker but she does forcefully kiss him pretty hard.

She has a few times tried to give him a stuffed eyore by putting it on top of him and says " would you like a eyore"


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#4 of 27 Old 07-22-2006, 02:50 AM
 
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Juels is always trying to put her finger in Behny's mouth too, even if he's not crying.

I agree, in some ways its been easier than anticipated, in some ways harder. I braved my first outing alone with both of them today, a quick trip to the library. I went well. I don't know what I'd do without my sling though! Soooo greatful to have it.

I just feel guilty not being able to give Juels as much one on one attention. I make a point to spend time with her whenever the baby is sleeping but it still isn't enough as far as she's concerned and leaves me no time for chores or to just chill for a few seconds. She's been acting rather strangly and has even told me she's mad at me for not having time for her. I explain that Behny can't help himself like she can and we've told her several times that all the things I do for Behny I did for her when she was a baby, now its his turn. **** she says "mommy, just put him in the swing." Sigh. I feel horrible.

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#5 of 27 Old 07-22-2006, 07:59 AM
 
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Naptime and bedtime - these are a bit harder with 2, for sure! DS1 still nurses to sleep so I have to strategically work around ds2 nursing so that ds1 can have a bit of nursing time at sleeptime. This can get tricky. Some days we do great, others are tough. The thing that I am having a hard time with is letting ds1 watch way too much TV. So I am trying to wean us off of this. It is just so dang hot here and half the time it is raining; but before ds2 was born we watched hardly any tv at all - so I am kinda bummed about it!

Now that ds2 is *almost* 6 weeks old, I feel that things are finally starting to feel more normal. It takes us awhile to get out - but we do get out! Gabe likes Avery being here and is very sweet and gentle with him, so I am grateful for that!

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have a hard time gettin Me and Alex a shower in the morning if we have a place to be at a certain time
FWIW, I have totally given up showeing in the morning, I only shower at night when dh is home. And half the time it is either with the baby, or Gabe will join me!

the tiredness is really beyond words, but, I really try to look at it a different way and try not to dwell on it too much and embrace it! And know that we will sleep someday But, again, some days are bnetter then others!

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#6 of 27 Old 07-22-2006, 03:39 PM
 
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Same here -- some things are harder, some are easier than I expected. How I feel about going from 1 to 2 totally depends on the day (or hour!) you ask me. Some days are better than others. Most are pretty good, some have been hellacious. The hard days are when Thor is cranky and tired, and Anna is wanting to nurse all the time. But overall she is such a mellow baby that she makes things easier than I expected, because Thor was such an intense baby, so that's all I really had to go on!

Thor wants to nurse a lot, and I get frustrated with him for that. I also have less patience for his antics, mostly his constant climbing of EVERYTHING, including up the kitchen counters and behind the TV.

Getting out of the house from about 9:30-noon is a lifesaver for us. Otherwise Thor is bored, and more whiney, and I like being able to talk to random people about how cute my kids are!

Overall, though, it's easier than I expected. And I'm sleeping better now than I was when I was pregnant. I have terrible pregnancy insomnia!

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#7 of 27 Old 07-23-2006, 09:41 AM
 
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This was my hardest transition (I've got four now and 2-3 and 3-4 have been MUCH easier transitions!)

I had my first two 21 months apart and though I really like that spacing (my second set were 22 months apart), I wasn't prepared to lose my first baby. dd2 was really high needs (cried a lot and nursed ALL the time) so everyone came and took dd1 out for fun and left me with baby. On one hand that was really nice, but several times I felt like screaming, "let me have my little girl and someone take this *#&$ crying baby please!!" So I wish in retrospect I had taken a few more breathers with dd1 and left dd2 with someone else even for only a 1/2 hour or hour or so.

I also wasn't prepared for the little bit of resentment I found I had for dd2 at times for 'robbing' me of my relationship with dd1. It obviously really changed our dynamic, but the upside was how close a bond dd1 and dh developed. Now that I talk with other moms, I realize a LOT of moms feel that 'resentment' about the loss of their relationship with dc1, but at the time it just made me feel hugely guilty and terrible, yk? (it's always easier to admit to 'failings' after the fact )

So that's all I'd say about going from 1-2.

*Don't feel badly about how obnoxious your older child now seems but try to keep it in check too and cut them some slack. Pick your battles...decide what is an absolute no go and save all your "nos" for those behaviors rather than using them ALL the time. (Even with 4 kids and older ones now, they seem to instinctively save their "acting out" for when you are nursing and not in a position to physically stop them!)

*If you can take a half hour to an hour here and there to just be with your dc1 and have someone else take dc2. The reverse is also true - if you have help - it's great to experience a few moments with just one child.

*Don't feel badly if you experience some resentment toward the baby for changing your relationship with dc1. It's perfectly normal and you will get your "groove" back with them eventually The upside is usually a better bond b/t your dc1 and dh and/or other primary caregiver.

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#8 of 27 Old 07-23-2006, 11:24 AM
 
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Well I am really glad both dh and I agree 2 is a good number because this is so hard. I would not be able to mother more than two with any sanity. I am losing it on ds1 more than I ever thought I would. I am yelling at him a lot (because he's climbed up onto the stove AGAIN) and he's still too young for effective discipline/understanding of any kind. I have gotten rough with him as in aggressively pushing him away when he attacks my boobs when I am bfing ds2. I am appalled that my first instict is to lash out physically---wheredoes this come from???? I just have to stop myself, let the mercury drop, and remember he's only 2.

I just started reading a book called "Buddhism for Mothers" which I think will help me deal with my anger. I am so surprised how angry I've become--I'm usually so laidback as a mother. Has anyone read this book? Comments anyone?

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#9 of 27 Old 07-23-2006, 12:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by arboriamoon
I have gotten rough with him as in aggressively pushing him away when he attacks my boobs when I am bfing ds2. I am appalled that my first instict is to lash out physically---wheredoes this come from???? I just have to stop myself, let the mercury drop, and remember he's only 2.

I just started reading a book called "Buddhism for Mothers" which I think will help me deal with my anger. I am so surprised how angry I've become--I'm usually so laidback as a mother. Has anyone read this book? Comments anyone?
Yep, you're not alone. The only time I feel aggressive towards DS is when he does the same thing -- attack me while I'm trying to feed Anna. I've done the same thing - push him away - before I realize what I've just done. He gets so sad (understandably) and I feel just horrible, and then hug and snuggle him. It must be some kind of instinct or something. Now that I'm more aware of it it's easier to handle. But I definitely have more anger at him, so I know how you feel.

Buddhism for Mothers is really good... I've read it.

I'm definitely no pro at this, but there are a few things that seem to help. I try to head off the problem before it happens. Like if I sit down to nurse Anna I will ask THor to do something for me, and usually that helps distract him. Or I"ll decide beforehand that if he asks to nurse I will let him.

Getting out of the house is a huge huge help to me. If we're not doing something by 9:30 am it's much worse and DS asks to nurse even more...

And I wrote a note to myself on our refridgerator. It says: PATIENCE, HE'S ONLY TWO.


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#10 of 27 Old 07-23-2006, 01:44 PM
 
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I have also noticed that some things are easier than I expected. Like getting ready to go out. It seemed much harder with one..thinking I had to bring 'everything under the sun' with me and making sure I had it all. I would scramble around the house like a madman. Now I just bring essentials with us and it doesn't take us long at all go get ready. Quite shocking actually. Now actually BEING out at the store or something is somewhat of a challenge for me right now. Elijah DOES NOT like to chill in his carseat. (Understandly..he only sat in it for 2 whole days from nm to mi! I don't blame him!) So since I don't have a sling or anything right now I usually have to carry him around (which I totally don't mind but having 2 hands available in the store is MUCH better than having only one!) and help make sure Marley is with us/behaving and also try and shop. It actually kinda sucks going out right now.

Bedtime was alot harder in the beginning. But now it's fine. Elijah is usually down for bed a little before Marley's bedtime so I can always lay down and read w/ her. That really makes me happy because if she doesn't get ALL of mommy's time during the day (or as much as she wants) I know that right before bed she is still recieving our special bed time together.

Alot of people told me that it was SOO hard w/ two and that I should really really prepare myself and But seriously, it's not THAT hard for us. I mean, ya there are some things that are but overall, it's not. Ohh, but I too have noticed a shortened temper w/ Marley sometimes and it makes me feel bad. I'm trying to work on that. Sometimes when I start to raise my voice I remind myself that I just need to breath and calm down, it's not that big of a deal. It really helps. I do not believe that you need to yell at a child in order to get the point across. I can't stand yelling.
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#11 of 27 Old 07-23-2006, 07:56 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AugustineM
Getting out of the house is a huge huge help to me. If we're not doing something by 9:30 am it's much worse and DS asks to nurse even more...

And I wrote a note to myself on our refridgerator. It says: PATIENCE, HE'S ONLY TWO.
Thanks for responding to my post, AugustineM.

Yeh, getting out saves me too. Thing is I really run out of ideas of places to go where I won't encounter the stress of chasing a toddler. We don't own a vehicle so going out means public transit with ds1 on my back in an Ergo and ds2 on my front in a wrap. Its convienient but also exhausting!

I love the idea of your "PATIENCE" post. I am going to do the same thing.

Thanks for making me not feel so alone here...

Syrinx, Soulmate to Pan, Mama to Zion (5), River (3), Silver (1) and expecting a baby Storm...
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#12 of 27 Old 07-23-2006, 10:09 PM
 
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The op could be me. I have a few differences though.

DD1 is a 4 yr old so she has her own life basically. She can amuse herself but oth, if I am pumping (like right after Maggie was born), on the pc, phone or nursing, she needs me right now!!

Since she is older I can explain but also since she is older, she can object and is very good at it. It is trying having 2 but its also easier w this baby since we already know what to do so its moving faster.

"The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us."
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#13 of 27 Old 07-23-2006, 10:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow, it's been great to read these responses, and know I'm not alone! Thanks, ladies - keep it coming if you want!!

Heather, WAHM to DS (01/04)DD (06/06). Wed to DH(09/97)
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#14 of 27 Old 07-23-2006, 11:32 PM
 
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Terra -- OMG, you are a supermom with the ergo & wrap!! I do have a different situation with being able to put them both in the car. And DS doesn't mind the car -- so it's pretty easy to get him in there and head to the park.

Yeah, it would be really hard to juggle two on public transit!

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#15 of 27 Old 07-24-2006, 12:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mcimom

I also wasn't prepared for the little bit of resentment I found I had for dd2 at times for 'robbing' me of my relationship with dd1. It obviously really changed our dynamic, but the upside was how close a bond dd1 and dh developed. Now that I talk with other moms, I realize a LOT of moms feel that 'resentment' about the loss of their relationship with dc1, but at the time it just made me feel hugely guilty and terrible, yk? (it's always easier to admit to 'failings' after the fact )
I'm having the completely opposite feelings

I keep feeling like...DS1 "you've had your turn, now it's your brothers turn" regarding all the attention. If anything, I tend to resent DS1 for stealing time and attention from his brother. I find myself calling my mom and saying "can I please drop DS1 off so I can go do XYandZ?" and she says "DS2 too?" and I'm like... "nooo! I want to take the baby with me". I'm pretty good about dividing my time, but when DS1 is wanting my attention while I'm trying to nurse/change/cuddle DS2 I get very irritated with him Whereas, if DS2 is having a fit while I'm taking care of DS1 it doesn't hardly phase me at all.

Anybody else in this boat?
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#16 of 27 Old 07-24-2006, 12:19 AM
 
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I've been really short with Tania, and I hate myself for it. I talked to her yesterday and apologized. I remember feeling replaced when my little brother was born. I want to be there for both my babies. It's really hard, and it's like I'm learning to parent both of them for the first time.
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#17 of 27 Old 07-24-2006, 08:02 AM
 
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I just started reading a book called "Buddhism for Mothers
funny, i actually reread this book a few days ago b/c i remembered how grounding it was, and ireally needed to be grounded the other day

It is hard emotionally for me at times, too. I love them both so much, sometimes ds1 sobs when he can't nurse to sleep without the baby there, too, and it breaks my heart. But, this is the way it is now, and we are all adjusting. Ds1 "attacks" my breasts as well sometimes, and sometimes he nurses so HARD........i keep telling myself that we are all growing and finding our new "ways."

And tandem nursing is draining, emotionally and physically! I want prepared for that!

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#18 of 27 Old 07-24-2006, 10:21 AM
 
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I'm having the completely opposite feelings

I keep feeling like...DS1 "you've had your turn, now it's your brothers turn" regarding all the attention. If anything, I tend to resent DS1 for stealing time and attention from his brother. I find myself calling my mom and saying "can I please drop DS1 off so I can go do XYandZ?" and she says "DS2 too?" and I'm like... "nooo! I want to take the baby with me". I'm pretty good about dividing my time, but when DS1 is wanting my attention while I'm trying to nurse/change/cuddle DS2 I get very irritated with him Whereas, if DS2 is having a fit while I'm taking care of DS1 it doesn't hardly phase me at all.

Anybody else in this boat?
I think that's pretty typical too. That's actually a little bit how I feel now with 4 - I want someone to come take the older three so I can just be with baby...he's so quiet and cuddly and they are so.freakin'.LOUD. ...and obnoxious :

I think it's fine to drop off ds1 with grandma to have time with just ds2 - I'd just also try to force myself to do the opposite so I had some times alone with just ds1, yk? Not as often perhaps but just a little something to "fill their cup" to use Playful Parenting terms, yk?

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#19 of 27 Old 07-24-2006, 10:42 AM
 
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With our weeks in the nicu, dd1 had to be somewhere else a lot of time. Thankfully she is very close w both sets of grandparents. Even now she likes to visit w them and get 150% of their attention.

Last week when her older cousins were in town, they had a special lunch planned and dd1 was invited along w us. Bringing both to a busy lunch place didnt sound too fun. So I pumped ahead and also nursed MAggie big time before hand. Dropped her off w the ILs in a fresh diaper and they said they had a lovely time holding her and staring at her for 2 hours. When we got back they were deciding who got to feed her that moment.
I broke it up with a nursing!

But dd1 loved being just w me and the in laws welcomed a cousin/grnadchild who was not talking back, etc or visiting for an extended time! Its ok to leave the baby for an hour or so and go do something w the others. My ILs are very AP so they just sat there holding her. In both families there is never a shortage of baby holders. USually a waiting list.

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#20 of 27 Old 07-24-2006, 12:06 PM
 
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Terra -- OMG, you are a supermom with the ergo & wrap!!
Thanks Augustine! I feel like a supermom when I am out too. I am getting a little sick of the "isn't it heavy" question but really, I carried ds1 in the Ergo right until the day I birthed ds2 and the weight hasn't changed. As I lose weight, my ds gain it!

The thing about public transit is I don't need to get stressed with traffic and deal with a meltdown and the road at the same time. Plus it takes WAY longer to get anywhere so my day gets eaten up. That's what I hate right now--the headspace of KILLING the time of my days instead savoring them. This Buddhism for Mothers book is really opening my perception. I hope I put it into practice instead of just storing the info in my ego-sector...Its shocking the unbalanced ratio of time spent READING about philosophy/meditation to the actual time spent in practice.

Syrinx, Soulmate to Pan, Mama to Zion (5), River (3), Silver (1) and expecting a baby Storm...
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#21 of 27 Old 07-24-2006, 03:17 PM
 
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i think that it is MUCH easier than i predicted.. i remember when i was pregnant and told people they would be 18 months apart everyone said "WHOA! You are gonna have your hands full!!" and I was getting soooo scared! I feel very empowered that I can handle both of them.. I am not saying I dont lose my temper, but it is not as hard as I thought. Ds1 is SO good with dd2, he loves her so much, so that jealousy thing I worried about so much never happened. Whenever she cries he says "uh-oh" and runs to her side to pat her head, it melts my heart! The only thing I resent, is dd2 spends more time in swings/bouncies than ds1 did. When she goes down I put her down so I can play, where as with ds1 I would hold him for hours. I sling her when I can, but not as much as I could. And ds1 watches more tv, only when i am nursing though, and he is usually in his highchair eating also. the hardest part..is when i lay down at night and I used to know i had a good nights sleep ahead and now i know I am lucky to get a few hours at a time.. i miss sleep!!!
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#22 of 27 Old 07-24-2006, 08:22 PM
 
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Ds1 is SO good with dd2, he loves her so much, so that jealousy thing I worried about so much never happened. Whenever she cries he says "uh-oh" and runs to her side to pat her head, it melts my heart! The only thing I resent, is dd2 spends more time in swings/bouncies than ds1 did. When she goes down I put her down so I can play, where as with ds1 I would hold him for hours. I sling her when I can, but not as much as I could. And ds1 watches more tv...
So far no jealousy issues here either! maybe it comes later??? Or maybe we're home-free?

Same thing about TV here. I am so sorry about it but don't have a lot of ideas how to keep ds1 busy since he's still pretty dependant on me for entertainment.

The thing I am really sorry about is using a soother with ds2 when I just can't take it anymore. Tandem nursing is so hard sometimes I want to cry.

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#23 of 27 Old 07-25-2006, 01:33 AM
 
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Oh, gosh, I wish DD would take a paci! I've been trying but she won't have it....

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#24 of 27 Old 07-25-2006, 02:16 AM
 
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This was very helpful as I am feeling a bit of all of it. Thanks mama. And I would post more but I will be missing out on good sleep and I have the air conditioning repair men coming tomorrow and two boys to juggle...

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Originally Posted by mcimom
This was my hardest transition (I've got four now and 2-3 and 3-4 have been MUCH easier transitions!)

I had my first two 21 months apart and though I really like that spacing (my second set were 22 months apart), I wasn't prepared to lose my first baby. dd2 was really high needs (cried a lot and nursed ALL the time) so everyone came and took dd1 out for fun and left me with baby. On one hand that was really nice, but several times I felt like screaming, "let me have my little girl and someone take this *#&$ crying baby please!!" So I wish in retrospect I had taken a few more breathers with dd1 and left dd2 with someone else even for only a 1/2 hour or hour or so.

I also wasn't prepared for the little bit of resentment I found I had for dd2 at times for 'robbing' me of my relationship with dd1. It obviously really changed our dynamic, but the upside was how close a bond dd1 and dh developed. Now that I talk with other moms, I realize a LOT of moms feel that 'resentment' about the loss of their relationship with dc1, but at the time it just made me feel hugely guilty and terrible, yk? (it's always easier to admit to 'failings' after the fact )

So that's all I'd say about going from 1-2.

*Don't feel badly about how obnoxious your older child now seems but try to keep it in check too and cut them some slack. Pick your battles...decide what is an absolute no go and save all your "nos" for those behaviors rather than using them ALL the time. (Even with 4 kids and older ones now, they seem to instinctively save their "acting out" for when you are nursing and not in a position to physically stop them!)

*If you can take a half hour to an hour here and there to just be with your dc1 and have someone else take dc2. The reverse is also true - if you have help - it's great to experience a few moments with just one child.

*Don't feel badly if you experience some resentment toward the baby for changing your relationship with dc1. It's perfectly normal and you will get your "groove" back with them eventually The upside is usually a better bond b/t your dc1 and dh and/or other primary caregiver.

Ange. Mama to boys. Yup. All Boys. All Intact. A bunch of other NFL, crunchy credentials too.
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#25 of 27 Old 07-25-2006, 08:19 AM
 
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I give dd2 a paci too, ds1 wouldn't take one. i am very thankful for this, it has saved us some screaming car trips and buys me a minute or two to get ds1 settled before i nurse her! i never was fan of paci's, but when used in the right way they sure are a lifesaver, and some babies are just sucklers!
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#26 of 27 Old 07-25-2006, 11:48 AM
 
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I desperately want to give ds2 a paci... ds1 took one, but I gave it to him at 1 weeks old and by 6 weeks I had lost my milk (I have a very sensitive supply) and he was reaching FTT (gone from 99th percentile to 3rd in just 3 weeks). So... this time I'm trying to hold out the full requisite 6 weeks before I introduce a paci. The car rides are KILLERS and getting both of them down for a nap is really rough.
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#27 of 27 Old 07-25-2006, 02:22 PM
 
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Well I have TONS of milk--once it came in. Its actually why I give ds2 a paci much of the time. When I give him the breast and he gets a mouthful of milk when he's not hungry, he screams! I try various positions--same thing. If he IS hungry, there are no probs. I tell you, it sure stirs the lava in me to have a kid scream when I give him what soothed ds1.

This 1 to 2 is a whole new game. Talk about lessons in humillity and judgementalism.

Syrinx, Soulmate to Pan, Mama to Zion (5), River (3), Silver (1) and expecting a baby Storm...
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