Help! I Just Found Out That My Friend Locks Her Toddlers In Their Rooms At Night And For Naps!!!!!! - Page 8 - Mothering Forums

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Old 11-29-2008, 09:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jemmind View Post
You know, this post reminds me of something....
I totally remember wishing that I could put those doors up on my son's room that I've seen in church nurseries and things. they are kinda like a barn door...the bottom can stay closed while the top stays open. Wouldn't that be a nice compromise? I never investigated it though, but I bet they're terribly expensive.
actually dutch doors aren't that expensive...
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Old 12-01-2008, 02:23 PM
 
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I'm kind of shocked by the extreme opinions expressed in this thread.

First off, I just don't understand how someone could think locking a child in a crib/cage is better than locking them in their room?!? The logic defies me.

Secondly, it is safer (as PP's have already stated) in the event of a fire to have the bedroom doors closed.
It also helps some children sleep better if the household sounds and lights are blocked out of their room
And sometimes it's about choosing your battles - telling them to go back to bed 20x and having them making a huge fuss and not getting the chance to settle down, or have them discover that the door is closed, head back to bed on their own and go to sleep.

Obviously there's a difference between locking a door for their own safety vs. locking them in a room, ANY room, so you can go off and do your own thing and ignore their crying.
No different than leaving them strapped in their highchair or in a playpen or in their carseat.


Besides, there's a huge difference between parenting and taking care of mentally ill patients.

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Old 12-01-2008, 03:51 PM
 
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I've read everything....and my two cents is that I don't agree with the OP's friend's statements and her reasoning. It would be a friendship breaker for me...that goes beyond my comfort zone in parenting differences.

I can understand safety concerns in certain situations, such as the ones brought out by ones in this thread and they make sense.

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Old 12-12-2008, 06:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jemmind View Post
You know, this post reminds me of something....
I totally remember wishing that I could put those doors up on my son's room that I've seen in church nurseries and things. they are kinda like a barn door...the bottom can stay closed while the top stays open. Wouldn't that be a nice compromise? I never investigated it though, but I bet they're terribly expensive.
that is a FANTASTIC IDEA! omg i can't believe i never thought of it! i mean really you saw a door in half, add a little hinge thing (no reason for it to be anything more than to keep it closed if you need a full door) and then paint the raw edges and voila...a baby gate my kids cant storm down! my kids storm gates easy. dd learned it at 18 months while ds didn't learn till dd taught him.

i do lock my kids in their room. usually i wait until they are asleep at night but in the mornings they WILL get up VERY VERY quietly and sneak around....not only do they just make safe messes but they will go outside (fenced but still), they can get into knives, the fridge, the garage etc. plus its really hard for a child (who when they get an inch will take a mile) to enforce a rule when i am not awake to enforce it! i really don't like it but i didn't know what else to do.

thanks for the idea on the door. i am SERIOUSLY considering it.
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Old 12-12-2008, 07:23 PM
 
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why not just use baby gates?! the only reason i used to shut my son's door was b/c he was downstairs and we were upstairs and i didn't want the cats going in there. i used a baby monitor and it was a french door so i could hear and see through it. lock him in? no way. we're in a different house now and he's almost 3 so we don't use a gate much anymore (sometimes he asks me to put it up) or shut his door at all...unless he shuts it, which he has been known to do. he generally naps in our bed and falls asleep there (he gets moved to his bed later but he knows ahead of time that is going to happen) as well so we just childproof and let him choose what is best for him.

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Old 12-12-2008, 07:27 PM
 
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never mind. already said.

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Old 12-12-2008, 07:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Little grey mare View Post
First off, I just don't understand how someone could think locking a child in a crib/cage is better than locking them in their room?!? The logic defies me.
i would say b/c you can see through crib bars and an open door into other parts of the house (where there might be lights on or light streaming in from windows.) i wouldn't feel so alone if i were in a crib with an open door rather than locked in a dark room alone. that's why i always liked my son's french door. so much light could get in and sounds from the rest of the house. i only shut it when i went to bed or had a shower or something though (to keep animals out.)

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Old 12-12-2008, 07:41 PM
 
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There is a BIG diffrence between locking your LO in a room and letting them CIO than shutting your LOs door to their room and making sure they can get up and hurt themselves.

My mom locked me in my room when i was about 6. My baby sister was about a year and very very colicy...anyways i slept in my mom's bed in the middle of the night. I guess my mom decided that she didn't want me to do that anymore, so instead of trying to transition me before my sister came, she decided to do it after.....it was absolutely horrific and extremely traumatizing for me. I had horrible anxiety issues and locking me in a room all night while i was creaming that i was going to dye from a fire did not help me one bit......it lasted about a week, and i still remember that situation like it was yesterday.

But, i do shut the door to dds room....granted we have a monitor, and i constantly check on her, but if we leave the door open she will wake up when we go to use the restroom, or the cats will jump in her bed. When we transition her to a big girl bed, i will probably put a lock on her door, or put up a baby gate in the halway.....i mean how do you keep your kids from getting into everything in the middle of the night if their doors are open?

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Old 12-12-2008, 07:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jemmind View Post
My son is almost 2.5 and never tried to climb the gate, guess I am a lucky one!!
mine still won't b/c i have told him climbing it is unsafe (we don't really use it now though.) we are among the few lucky moms, from what i've heard.

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Old 12-12-2008, 08:05 PM
 
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....i mean how do you keep your kids from getting into everything in the middle of the night if their doors are open?
Cosleeping, or attending to them when they wake in the night.

(Just answering the question, I have no problem with closed doors if the child is not afraid, only locked doors).
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Old 12-12-2008, 08:17 PM
 
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Cosleeping, or attending to them when they wake in the night.

(Just answering the question, I have no problem with closed doors if the child is not afraid, only locked doors).
Well some kids (like mine) wont cosleep. She literally asks me to put her in her bed......and as far as attending to their needs, there are times that i have no idea that she is even awake even with a monitor.....

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Old 12-12-2008, 08:35 PM
 
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Well some kids (like mine) wont cosleep. She literally asks me to put her in her bed......and as far as attending to their needs, there are times that i have no idea that she is even awake even with a monitor.....
Well there ya go, reason to close the door.
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Old 12-12-2008, 09:43 PM
 
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The situation doesn't seem to warrent calling CPS. I think we need to think long and hard about what is truly abusive & worth calling the authorities over. I'm sure I've done things some of you would strongly disagree with, but none of them are abusive.

I shut my toddlers door every time he sleeps. I can hear him talking or crying or whatever. I don't lock it (I mean he's still in a crib), but if I didn't shut his door he'd wake up to the noise and the light.

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Old 12-13-2008, 01:42 AM
 
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OP I think you did a good job. Sounds like you are really making progress.

Have you ever thought though that the problem really isn't you, but your friends? Are you sure you have good friends in your life? I know that friends don't have to agree on everything, but it seems like you know quite a few parents with bad parenting philosophies.

Anyway, it's hard. I was just talking to a mother the other day who spanks her 2.5yo with a ruler. I had to take some deep breaths through that conversation and remind myself that people do not know the errors of their ways and that the child does come from a loving home and will survive her mother's sense of discipline. Then I recommended Alfie Kohn. A lot.

And then I reminded myself not to judge b/c goodness knows I'm going to screw something up sooner or later in this parenting gig.

But, like you, I get upset and have to bite my tongue.

V

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Old 12-13-2008, 01:38 PM
 
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What this mom did is cruel! To me it is child abuse !!!!
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:32 PM
 
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I'm sorry.. why is it wrong to lock your child's door? I can maybe see the argument that fire poses a risk but another person made the great counter argument that the child might leave the room and hide somewhere else in the house and then you can't find them to get them out of house.

As far as the mental impact on the child, if the child isn't upset, scared or crying, what difference does it make if the door is locked?

After our toddler out-grew his crib we put a knob cover on the inside of the door. Eventually he found out how to open that so we put a hook and eye on the door to "lock" it from the outside. He tried to open the door a few times for a few nights and then gave up and hasn't messed with it since.

He's gone through a few fears so far. After halloween he was afraid of pumpkins. Obviously if he's in his room crying, we go in and comfort him. If he's afraid of anything we are there for him to talk about it and validate his feelings.

I'm sorry, but I do not see anything wrong with locking a child's door if the child is happily enjoying themselves in their room. Our boy lays in bed, talks to himself, looks at books, and eventually falls asleep.

It strikes me as far more dangerous to allow for the possibility of the child leaving his room at night while everyone is asleep. He knows how to open the front door lock to the house. What's to stop him from going outside in the freezing cold?

It seems to me a very safe, sane and rational thing to keep a child locked in their room at night so long as they are not emotionally distressed by it or anything else.

A happy child who happens to be in their room at night which happens to have a door that happens to be locked strikes me as no big deal, and in fact a good idea.
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Old 12-20-2008, 06:49 PM
 
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I actually had this exact situation occur a few years back when I was nanny-ing for a family. They locked their then 2 year old in his room for both naps and bedtime. They actually put a door stopper on the inside of his door then locked the adjoining bathroom so he couldn't get out. So in order to get to him you had to go through his baby sister's room, their adjoining bathroom and get him out that way. The first day they told me that I couldn't hide my disgust (apparently it was obvious on my face). I said I will not be doing that and they apparently stopped after that, guess i made an impression. I would be concerned about getting to them in the event of an emergency or a fire. I'd notify CPS because its such a dangerous situation.

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Old 12-20-2008, 07:06 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Violet2 View Post

Anyway, it's hard. I was just talking to a mother the other day who spanks her 2.5yo with a ruler. I had to take some deep breaths through that conversation and remind myself that people do not know the errors of their ways and that the child does come from a loving home and will survive her mother's sense of discipline. Then I recommended Alfie Kohn. A lot.

And then I reminded myself not to judge b/c goodness knows I'm going to screw something up sooner or later in this parenting gig.

But, like you, I get upset and have to bite my tongue.

V
That's not judging that mom, that warrants a call to CAS\CPS. Here (and probably in the USA) the Criminal Code states that spanking with an object in the hand is breaking the law (criminal felony, assault of a minor). Canadians are not allowed to spank a child under the age of 2, over the age of 12 and are not allowed to spank a child with anything but an open, palm down hand.

Not that it should be legal at all in any form.
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Old 12-20-2008, 07:18 PM
 
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I'm sorry, but I do not see anything wrong with locking a child's door if the child is happily enjoying themselves in their room. Our boy lays in bed, talks to himself, looks at books, and eventually falls asleep.

I think the point Deer Hunter is trying to get across is that the children are screaming and crying in their rooms and the mother is ignoring it.

It's MEAN and CRUEL and I think ppl who are mean and cruel to little children should have the same situation done to them and see how they like it. Put THEM in a position of being powerless and helpless and have atrocities done to them. Then interview THAT crap on 20/20.

(Sorry -- my mind is also taking into consideration other abuses that loved ones have suffered as children w/ no voice.)


Quote:
It seems to me a very safe, sane and rational thing to keep a child locked in their room at night so long as they are not emotionally distressed by it or anything else.

I agree. I have an 8 yr old on the Autism Spectrum. When he was a toddler he was a runner. He would take off just because and I never knew when or where he'd go. FOR HIS SAFETY I had to put one of those doorknob covers on his door so that we could all sleep at night. (I had a monitor.) I could not have him getting out of the house and running down the road or falling down the stairs of the apartment complex while dh and I are sleeping. It would not be safe and THAT would be abuse. Neglect.

During nap time (MY nap time -- God knows he sure wasn't sleeping! ) I would lock all 3 of us in there so dd and I could sleep on the mattress and he could play safely.

Quote:
A happy child who happens to be in their room at night which happens to have a door that happens to be locked strikes me as no big deal, and in fact a good idea.
A kid that isn't trying to get out at night doesn't need it locked, though. My ds now sleeps in his own room, door closed, but he is also mature enough and logically-thinking enough NOT to leave the house in the middle of the night.

ETA: This probably makes me sound like I'm off my rocker or something, but until you're in my shoes, please don't judge. I never let my kids CIO and ds1 was 3-4 yrs old when we did this.

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Old 12-20-2008, 07:28 PM
 
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That's not judging that mom, that warrants a call to CAS\CPS. Here (and probably in the USA) the Criminal Code states that spanking with an object in the hand is breaking the law (criminal felony, assault of a minor). Canadians are not allowed to spank a child under the age of 2, over the age of 12 and are not allowed to spank a child with anything but an open, palm down hand.

Not that it should be legal at all in any form.
The laws in the US vary by state and are usually fairly vague...nothing as specific as what you have stated is the law in Canada. Laws here usually favor the parent's right to spank as long as it does not cause serious injury.

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Old 12-20-2008, 07:42 PM
 
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.....i mean how do you keep your kids from getting into everything in the middle of the night if their doors are open?
i have 4 kids and have never had to lock them in their rooms. granted i cosleep for a few years but still....never considered locking the doors to their rooms.
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Old 12-20-2008, 08:30 PM
 
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I don't lock my 2 year old's door, but she does sleep with it closed (fire safety, sorry, uncle is a firefighter!) and I put a gate up because I don't want her to roam the house at night. I tried to cosleep with her but she never liked it like dd1 did. She needed her independence from the start. I do sleep about 10 ft from her doorway and I use a monitor at night in case she wakes up and needs me. The OP's friend's situation sounds a little extreme, like she's throwing her kids in the room and locking the door and not responding to their needs. That isn't right.
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Old 12-21-2008, 04:05 AM
 
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Just to make it clear.. my two boys co-slept with my wife from birth until about nine months when they were just too active to stay in bed with her.

I think co-sleeping is a great idea and our boys loved it.. my wife loved it.

But now they are older and we keep a lock on their door and they are happy, healthy boys.

I hope nobody thinks we are bad parents.
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Old 12-21-2008, 04:21 AM
 
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I remember a night I was over to his house years ago when the oldest was around 2. She fell asleep on the floor right by the door with her hand sticking out. My brother said that was normal.
that made my stomach turn...how can parents be so cruel

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Old 12-21-2008, 04:44 AM
 
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Just to make it clear.. my two boys co-slept with my wife from birth until about nine months when they were just too active to stay in bed with her.

I think co-sleeping is a great idea and our boys loved it.. my wife loved it.

But now they are older and we keep a lock on their door and they are happy, healthy boys.

I hope nobody thinks we are bad parents.


No, I don't think that at all. I think we all do what works best for our situation. And I highly doubt any one of us just lets our babies (however old our babies are) scream all night. You know?

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Old 12-21-2008, 01:04 PM
 
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The laws in the US vary by state and are usually fairly vague...nothing as specific as what you have stated is the law in Canada. Laws here usually favor the parent's right to spank as long as it does not cause serious injury.
That sucks then. I still find the Canadian law is not specific enough but it's a start here at least.

Ours is in the Criminal Code (section 43)
http://www.parl.gc.ca/information/li.../prb0510-e.htm

They did just revise it a few years ago by way of the Children and Families Act to be applied with the code 43 in the Criminal Code.
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