If something were to happen... - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 02:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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...to you and DH/DP/BF/GF (God forbid it) do you have a plan for the kids? I read the "Do you trust your parents to babysit" thread and thought about it. Did you tell the person(s) about it? Did you ask them any favors on how to raise DC?

I realize this is a depressing topic but I am curious if anyone has a plan in case something were to happen to them and their DH/DP.

DH and I wrote up a will when I was pregnant with DD1 that my parents will be our childrens guardians. If something were to happen to my parents, my sister will be their guardians. We absolutely do not want MIL raising our kids. We haven't told MIL about the will because we know what her reaction will be. We did tell my parents and sister our wish. We also asked them to raise them the way we raise them for the most part.

I even asked a friend of mine who is very pro-breastfeeding if she would donate milk to my baby if anything were to happen to me. She said yes. My mother knows this.

Again, God forbid it will happen to any of us but did any of you do the same thing? Did you talk to the person(s) about how you want your children raised? In terms of eating no meat, only organic, very little or no tv, etc.
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#2 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 02:53 PM
 
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Yes. My mom will get our children. I have had problems with her in the past, but, she seems to finally get it now. I had to flat out tell her about their diet (which I freely admit isn't the greatest but isn't nearly as bad as hers) that I didn't want them to be an obese cow like her and I didn't understand why she would either. Yeah, I really did say that to the moms. I have an older dd and dh and I have said that if older dd is 21 or older and truly and sincerely in her heart wants to, we may put a provision in the will that the children are to revert to HER care when she becomes age available. I KNOW my older dd would do what we want. Dh and I will be making out a VERY specific will and wanting counseling for the children (family and individual, etc). If G-d forbid something did happen and older dd was say 16 and my mom was trying to do something that my older dd knew we wouldn't approve of, she would totally stand up for her and her siblings, but, like I said, I plan on making out a specific will asking that our religious, dietary, educational, disciplinary wishes be maintained, etc. I would do that no matter who our guardians were so there could never be any confusion.

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#3 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 03:09 PM
 
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Yes, we do. We have a will and guardians named.

We did not talk to the people about eating organic, watching tv or really anything about child raising techniques. The guardians we chose actually are quite different from us in that regard. But the important thing to us is that they are kind, loving, and share our core values.
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#4 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 03:10 PM
 
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Oh dear, we haven't done this

Mama to expecting Babe 2
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#5 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 03:13 PM
 
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Yep, we asked our dear friends to be DD's guardian and they accepted. Then we wrote up our wills and told the rest of the family. Oh, and the friends we chose have very similar parenting styles so there really wasn't the need to ask them to do things in any particular way.
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#6 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 03:17 PM
 
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I have not yet, but I REALLY need to. I do not want DS to go to any of his grandparents. My mother does not agree with my parenting style in the LEAST and DS barely knows his dad's father and step-mom (and he's never even met my bio-dad or his dad's bio-mom. The only person in my entire family that I would be comfortable with raising him is my little sister. We are very like minded (her 16mo is EBF, intact, unvaxed, eats healthy, they co-sleep, ect). She has even expressed to me before that if anything happened to her, she would want her DS to go to me instead of his own father because he is unfit to care for him. I don't know if she can legally request that though.

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#7 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 03:30 PM
 
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Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
Oh dear, we haven't done this
Don't feel bad, we haven't done this yet either. I've been meaning to do it even before DD was born. Maybe this thread will be the kick in the butt I need to get it done. Thanks OP
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#8 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 03:49 PM
 
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Yes, my brother and his wife will be the guardians. Life would change for my children, though, because they would never homeschool. My brother has kids the same age as mine so they would fit in to their stage of family life. I know they would do their best but nobody will love them and keep track of them like I do. I pray this will never happen.

We are also guardians to their kids, and to my other niece also.
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#9 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 03:56 PM
 
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We have two good friends that will be ds's mothers.
We haven't written a will but we really should because I can see our family really fighting for ds and the new baby.
We have decided to give our kids to a young couple who wish to have kids of their own (but adoption and sperm donors are expensive) and not to our parents.
I can't imagine MIL or FIL raising our kids...not only are they extremely busy but they parent much different then us.
My mom would be the best option but she has a mental illness and I see her slipping a little bit everyday. I don't quite feel comfortable with ds spending the night at her house yet, so I wouldn't be comfortable with her raising him.

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#10 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 03:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
Yes, we do. We have a will and guardians named.

We did not talk to the people about eating organic, watching tv or really anything about child raising techniques. The guardians we chose actually are quite different from us in that regard. But the important thing to us is that they are kind, loving, and share our core values.
Our wills and guardianship is in place. Like the pp, the big issues are the most important to us. If it ever comes to the worst, we feel like the small differences are not worth worrying about.

Mom to DS, born fall 05 after ,,, wife/best friend to DH We have
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#11 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 04:28 PM
 
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We have let everyone know verbally so far. My sister and her fiancee will raise our children. She is fantastic with the kids and shares our morals and values. My mother is way too open minded while my MIL has a grudge against my mom. My sister is the best fit and best person.

Mommy to ds12, dd11, ds8, ds6, dd4, ^dd^ HB Loss, and dd 1
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#12 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 04:37 PM
 
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It's my new year's resolution to finally get this done. I stressed about it a lot cause while I know that both my brother and sil and my sister and stbbil would both be great parents to the boys, both couples are childless right now and I'd kinda hate to throw twin boys on them before they even have kids of their own. So my mom said to put her and my step dad down as guardians which I am totally fine with. My mom eats organic and is often much more patient w/ them than I am. My step dad is very outdoorsy/farmy and just an all around good person and he loves the boys as much as if they were his own so I'd be thrilled if they'd raise them. Any of my inlaws are totally out of the question, unbeknownst to dh and I'm sure this is why I'm putting off having the will done - so that I don't have a confrontation with dh over this.
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#13 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 04:41 PM
 
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We asked my BIL and his wife. It's hard, because I don't like some of how they've parented their son, but they are kind loving people who would raise her and never be cruel or mean. She would just eat too much junkfood and watch too much tv

My parents aren't in good health, and my MIL isn't in the best shape either. So I feel sort of stuck.
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#14 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 05:52 PM
 
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EVERY SINGLE PARENT SHOULD HAVE THIS IN WRITING!!! Sorry to shout, but this is really important. It has to be in writing, in the proper form and witnessed. You can get a kit for less than $50 at the office supply store or online. Follow the directions. You don't need a lawyer but you absolutely need a will. You don't have to cover everything (money etc), just children if that is easier. The PP who said this was a New Year's resolution had a great idea -- if you haven't done this, make it yours too.

For most of us, I think, it is hard to choose someone. Remember that you can change your choice as circumstances change -- you aren't locked in stone if you do this once. If none of your family seems right, look to friends.

For me, there were important things that I felt our guardians must be or agree to -- like gentle-ish discipline, basic religious beliefs, know and love the kids, proximity to the rest of the child's support network, and an absolute commitment to allowing family unfettered access to the kids. Beyond that, it didn't matter. Food choices, school choices, media choices -- those pale in comparison to the core issues for me.

We chose our best friends, and made sure it was OK with them. We told both of our sets of parents so that things didn't ugly if someone happened and they made assumptions. My parents were very hurt and have vowed to fight our decision. So I've written a long letter to the judge explaining our logic. It doesn't have any legal standing, but I think the courts will take it into consideration if my parents really do mount a legal fight. DH's parents were very understanding and agreed with our logic. The rest of the family doesn't need to know, so we haven't discussed it in any broader contexts.
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#15 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 06:05 PM
 
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We'd really have to talk to a lawyer about our situation. We want my husband's parents to care for our daughter, but we are not sure how that works because they are not American and do not live in America. I don't know how that is supposed to work exactly, because I believe my mother would try to contest it.
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#16 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 06:19 PM
 
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Sorry to be so preachy, but....

Not only am I am mother, but I am also a lawyer. I cannot stress how important it is to take care of these things while you still have the ability. There are so many things that are out of our control, but this does not have to be one of them. I know it probably goes without saying, but the alternative to doing nothing is potentially having a judge determine what is in the best interests of your child and/or having family members feud about what to do, all at a time when the focus should be on helping your child cope with something so tragic as the loss of his or her loved ones. Yet I have seen this situation arise far too often.

While you do not necessarily need to retain a lawyer to draft the appropriate documents (I'm not just talking about wills here, but also health care proxies, powers of attorney, etc.) I would recommend it if you can afford it, particularly if you have an special family situation or a child that requires special care. I know that lawyers get a bad rap, believe me I know, but this may be one time where some expertise would be helpful, even for a simple will if you do not feel comfortable doing one for yourself. I won't get into estate taxes and such, but if you are fortunate enough to be well off then that is even more reason to see someone who can best protect your assets for your children. For example, many people are unaware that minors cannot directly inherit things like life insurance proceeds--talk to someone who knows about this stuff. Even if you can't formally retain a lawyer, make sure you research the laws of your state to determine what requirements must be met to render these types of documents valid and enforceable.

I know it is not something fun to think about, but you could potentially do your child a huge injustice if you do not. Once you have taken care of these things, you can go on with the peace of mind knowing that you have taken care of the unthinkable.
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#17 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 06:26 PM
 
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We'd really have to talk to a lawyer about our situation. We want my husband's parents to care for our daughter, but we are not sure how that works because they are not American and do not live in America. I don't know how that is supposed to work exactly, because I believe my mother would try to contest it.
You are right -- to make sure this went the way you wanted, you probably need a lawyer. But even if its not perfect form, having something in writing might help move things in the right direction if something happened before you got the legal ends tied up.
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#18 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 06:44 PM
 
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Maddycakes is right on.

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Originally Posted by urchin_grey View Post
I have not yet, but I REALLY need to. I do not want DS to go to any of his grandparents. My mother does not agree with my parenting style in the LEAST and DS barely knows his dad's father and step-mom (and he's never even met my bio-dad or his dad's bio-mom. The only person in my entire family that I would be comfortable with raising him is my little sister. We are very like minded (her 16mo is EBF, intact, unvaxed, eats healthy, they co-sleep, ect). She has even expressed to me before that if anything happened to her, she would want her DS to go to me instead of his own father because he is unfit to care for him. I don't know if she can legally request that though.
She should meet with an attorney to document the reasons she doesn't want it to be her ex, and to name the person she does want it to be. If something happens to her a judge will review all the evidence and if there is enough of a case against the father, it may be possible for someone else to be named the guardian. but she needs to start documenting now, hopefully with outside sources as well (police reports, custody evaluations, etc.)
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#19 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 07:01 PM
 
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Yes. We each have a will that says the same exact thing. If we both die our kids go to dh's cousin & his wife.

However, we were recently told by dh's brother that he will fight for custody of our kids, so when dh returns from Iraq the first week or two he's home we're changing the wills- we're both disinheriting MIL and BIL. We don't want any loose ends or possibilities for our wills to be contested by them. I will never, ever allow them to get custody of my children. Whether I'm dead or not. And we're also providing a back up guardian in case dh's cousin & wife are unable to take the kids.

So really, it's so, so important to have a will. You never know who may want to step in and try for custody.

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#20 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 07:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
Yes, we do. We have a will and guardians named.

We did not talk to the people about eating organic, watching tv or really anything about child raising techniques. The guardians we chose actually are quite different from us in that regard. But the important thing to us is that they are kind, loving, and share our core values.
Yes, this.

If my sister winds up raising our kids, their lives will look pretty different than they do right now for so many reasons. I can't imagine how severe the trauma of losing both parents would be, for a child, and I have nothing but respect for my sister's willingness to take on the weight of seeing them through the healing process. Her love and care is more important than whether she believes in homeschooling v. public school, etc.

Alexandra 4.11.05 and Colin 2.9.09. Click on my name to visit my homeschooling blog.
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#21 of 35 Old 12-11-2008, 08:25 PM
 
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This is something we've been working on for years, but DH and I just can't agree. I don't have family (except for my elderly grandpa) and his family is out of the question. But DH would rather see the kids to go family than friends. It's rough rough rough.

I would talk to them about it, though. I would make sure they were on board before making a will.
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#22 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 12:18 AM
 
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I just wanted to add onto my earlier post. One of the big things on making sure that my dh disinherits his mom in his will is so she can't go after me for grandparent's rights or try to find me unfit or anything. Because she's that manipulative and totally would. So we're wanting to make sure I'm protected if he dies.

Of course, his mom is very toxic and we're now cutting her out of our lives, so that's an extreme, but it's just another base we're making sure to cover.

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#23 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 01:34 AM
 
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Elliott would go to my parents and I'm more than okay with them being his guardians! We want him to be raised with the beliefs that we have.
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#24 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 01:56 AM
 
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From the other side... When I was a nanny one of my families named me in their will as guardian of their 2 young children since I knew the kids so well and loved on 'em and cared for them as if they were my own, and all their immediate family was aging, far away and or not in line w/their parenting beliefs.
I was so honored!

Former Nanny Extraordinaire, looking forward to being a Mama! treehugger.gif I love Organizing & being a Health & Wellness Coach eat.gif & I'm crunchy granola as long as it's organic and certified gluten free. GF since March '08 yummy.gif. Willoughby Nov '11  cat.gif TTC #1-still, again, some more, & seriously pondering adoption. 
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#25 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 02:00 AM
 
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Babymomma is the one who is DD and DS's guardian if something happened to DH and I. We discussed with her, and both my parents. The reason we chose her is because my mom and dad don't get along to well and Babymomma is friend with both so we can have the piece of mind knowing that our kids will still get to spend time with both grandparents (Dh's parents were originally an option way back in the day, but they refused to accept a comprimized because it would have ment they couldn't teach DD about the evils of homosexuality. We worked on it for a good while too, but ended up having to limit contact.)

malesling.GIFMutant Papa to DD (12)hippie.gif and DS (2)babyf.gif, married to DHribbonrainbow.gif
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#26 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 02:03 AM
 
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Yes, we did the whole will/insurance/personal directive etc. after dd was born and updated it all after our youngest was born.

Huge load off our minds, having it done and squared away.
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#27 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 02:15 AM
 
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We are planning on asking my cousin and his wife- they have a son very close in age to our LO and live nearby, unlike my out-of-state sister. I would guess that our parenting styles differ in the details, but I know our boy would be well-loved, so that's all that matters to us. Heck- they're probably better about the TV and diet than I will be!

I will ask them if they will take on that responsibility, but I won't tell anyone else. I just don't want to take on any drama if I don't need to for something that's probably never going to happen... if there even would be any drama. It's nobody's business but ours and my cousin's.

I'm surprised that so many of you are choosing your parents as guardians- in my family, that's just "not done." You'd never leave your kids to someone of an older generation due to age and "who's gonna kick the bucket first" concerns.

Sleepy mama to Colin Theodore 8-12-08 and Trevor Arthur 7-17-12.

 

 

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#28 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 04:47 AM
 
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dd would raise her brothers the best she could. She isn't me, but she wouldn't feed ds2 meat or CIO.
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#29 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 04:59 AM
 
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My sister and her husband will get the kids if the unthinkable happened. They don't currently have any kids - maybe in the future - but we've also taken care to make sure that taking on 3 kids (maybe 4 who knows) would not be a financial burden.

Having it done and filed away means I don't have to think about it.

mum to a crew...
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#30 of 35 Old 12-12-2008, 11:16 AM
 
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We are really struggling with this. I don't want our babies to go to DHs parents. They are getting old and really can't handle a newborn.
Our second choice was DH oldest younger sister. But she married a man who's child rearing philosophy includes "smacking" so that ruled them out.
The other 2 inlaw siblings are no where near mature enough to handle children.

So that leaves my family who are in europe. THe best choice really is my brother and his wife. She works with severly handicapped children and is wonderful. But they are in europe and i know DHs family will fight it.

So we are stuck. We need to make a decision and get this done before #2 is born and we know it. I like the idea of making it a new years resolution.

Pernille, Married to : mom to my 2 littel boys :4/12/07 and : 8/24/09
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