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HELP we've created a monster!!!!

2K views 28 replies 18 participants last post by  Lisa1970 
#1 ·
My 14 mo old daughter is turning into a nightmare. She's always been very sensitive, needed a lot of attention and care (pretty bad silent reflux), constantly breastfeed, held/worn all the time, walked/danced to sleep. At 3 mo. I decided to leave my job and become a SAHM because she required constant caretaking (thankfully we could do this). It feels like I devote every minute of every day to trying to get her to be able to sleep, carefully orchestrating feeding times, activities, stimulation, etc to maximize sleep. I keep track, write things down, I study her carefully. She does not show any sleepy signs until overtired, so I go by the clock, but even that is hit or miss. It feels like an art form to get her to sleep. I am worried because stroller walking to sleep is not going to be an option for us anymore once the snow hits.
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Lately, even with all this, she still cannot get enough sleep to be rested and her behavior is deteriorating. She used to be fairly calm and manageable, even when super tired, but now throws tantrums constantly, is basically acting like a spoiled brat. I know she's just tired, but this doesn't help the toll it's taking on her, on me, on my husband, and on our marriage. Part of this is toddler stuff, but it seems exaggerated by her chronic fatigue. We've been hanging in there, waiting for things to get better, all throughout the first year. My health has been horrible. I have had physical and emotional breakdowns. (Please don't make this about PPD, been there, done that). We fight. No sex. After the last fight, my poor husband ended up on the floor of the closet sobbing. He just can't take it anymore. EVERYTHING I have goes to our daughter.

We have done CIO twice. Once at 5 months I was at the point where I was no longer physically capable of responding to her hourly night wakings, and DH refused to go to her. We believed her reflux was being controlled by the meds, but she was so overtired she screamed constantly whether held, soothed, or not. (We could not co-sleep because she had to sleep at 30 degree incline because of the reflux. And when I tried to sleep with her in her crib on the incline, she fussed and cried and pushed my away.) The CIO was absolutely horrible but very effective. Then we tried it again later (at 8 mo??) and it was equally horrible, not effective at all, and required a good month of working with her to not cry whenever we went in her room. It was that result that has allowed me to stave off my DH's repeated requests for more CIO.

Of course we never wanted to do that. But I was doing every single thing in every parenting book I could find and nothing was working. Pantley was working for a few weeks but the steps were taking so long to achieve (1 half step in about 2 weeks) that whatever progress we made was obliterated by teething episodes, colds, reflux breakthroughs, etc. She is extremely bothered by teething, episodes can last 2-4 weeks. Currently getting incisors in (horrible). She has never accepted a lovey, pacifier, or teether. I am all of these. The doctors say there is nothing medically wrong with her. I used to get her checked out all the time, until the drs said, THERE IS NOTHING PHYSICALLY WRONG WITH THIS CHILD!!!! and then I took her to chiropractor, accupressure, ND. There is nothing wrong with her except that she is very, very sensitive to everything. How much of this is her nature and how much is an exaggerated response to everything because she is so so SO tired? When she is well rested she is an absolute joy. Patient, resourceful, loving, funny, playful, can play independently, pleasantly follows simple rules and directions. Unfortunately I am seeing this less and less.

I have no issues meeting her needs. If I could meet them, I would. But it's not working and as a result in order to get through the days we have developed coping/calming strategies for her. At first I didn't mind (lots of breastfeeding, extra baths, making a game out of feeding her, etc). Actually there were many weeks where the only thing that calmed her down was BFing in the tub. She could not fall asleep, but would at least calm down. Now it's to the point where we are basically teaching her she can get whatever she wants by screaming for it (imagine typical horrible grocery store scene.. and I only shop with her when I have to - I don't drag her around everywhere.). I don't have the energy to fight her. I am not enjoying those days one bit, and it's feeling like every day. When I saw children like this, before I had a child, I would say "I am never going to allow my child to act like that."

I am writing this to ask for advice, and also to ask for clarification on what attachment parenting means. I find it hard to believe AP would support a child acting this way, giving her whatever she wants, when what she really needs is sleep. (And again, if she would co-sleep, I would. If she would let me soothe her to sleep, I would...she just cries.) I started out being of the Baby Whisperer mindset. Schedules, routine, but no CIO, no "props". Then with her reflux I read more about AP and began adopting it. It worked, it made sense, it felt better than to fight her. I still use a "flexible schedule" and I am all about routine, routine, routine, but I don't force it if it's not working. I give her what I think she needs. DH and I argue/fight about this all the time. But now I am coming around to his point of view because it just feels like we've created a monster. She has learned to fall asleep only when she is utterly exhausted, and relies on our calming strategies to get through the rest of the day. Now that she is becoming a toddler her frustrations are increasing and these strategies are no longer enough. So what does AP say about this? Also please dont give the old line of "well even with AP if you are losing your mind, it's OK to set her in the crib to cry for a minute while you collect yourself." But what if I am feeling like this every day, several times a day, isn't that just CIO? And isn't CIO better than divorced parents (we have discussed separation.) And BTW I very rarely act out any frustration on her. I breathe deeply, keep my voice pleasant, put on music, let it go, talk in a calm voice, move slowly/gently, etc. But lately I've been feeling short tempered, resentful, angry, at my wits end, and it's harder for me to hide it.

Any recommended reading?
 
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#2 ·
this is going to be short, but my have you tired letting go of the sleep expectations and making sure she gets enough exercise and stimulation and drag her everywhere? she sounds a lot little my now 2 year old who is highly social and NEEDS "insanity" duriing the day or she doesn't sleep. First words out her mouth in the morning are "car ride?".
 
#4 ·
Thank you, Tina, that has been our M.O. too on many days. But she's just so bleary eyed and cranky, I feel bad for her. It can't be fun.

Good question, Kiddoson. We did all the standard ones up to 6 months. She had horrible reactions. The first time screamed NONSTOP afterward. After that we gave her Motrin everytime, but needed it even a few days afterward in order to sleep. I thought it was because she was sensitive to the pain but then I started reading more and understood more about the load of junk her body was trying to process. I have not read Sears' vaccine book, but have read about it including threads here. I have delayed doing any of her 12 mo. vaccines because I don't know what to do, she had been doing better at about 9-10 months and I didn't want to make things worse again (if indeed vaccines had anything to do with anything). I need more info, especially scientific studies, unbiased sources, etc. My dr. is supportive of spacing them out but I cannot get single dose vials anywhere, I've called all around. All peds who I have consulted (4) say that it is irresponsible not to vaccinate at all. I would love any suggestions you have for info, etc.
 
#5 ·
Also I am sorry for sounding like a rant. I've done it before and you'd think I would learn... I write for help when I am soooo beat-down and then it just sounds like I'm slamming AP but I'm not. I just feel like a failure. I feel like strong AP proponents think that any child can be happy with AP style parenting and that I *must* be doing *something* wrong. I have not found anywhere anything to tell me what to do when you are at the end of the road, or rather, at the edge of the cliff. I have turned my life inside-out and upside-down for this child. I have given her everything that I have. I have nothing left.
 
#6 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mellowjello View Post
Good question, Kiddoson. We did all the standard ones up to 6 months. She had horrible reactions. The first time screamed NONSTOP afterward. After that we gave her Motrin everytime, but needed it even a few days afterward in order to sleep. I thought it was because she was sensitive to the pain but then I started reading more and understood more about the load of junk her body was trying to process. I have not read Sears' vaccine book, but have read about it including threads here. I have delayed doing any of her 12 mo. vaccines because I don't know what to do, she had been doing better at about 9-10 months and I didn't want to make things worse again (if indeed vaccines had anything to do with anything). I need more info, especially scientific studies, unbiased sources, etc. My dr. is supportive of spacing them out but I cannot get single dose vials anywhere, I've called all around. All peds who I have consulted (4) say that it is irresponsible not to vaccinate at all. I would love any suggestions you have for info, etc.
I would start at the vaccine forum here. then www.909shot.com I have my own opinion on what is irresponsable. You may want to consider detoxing any metals in your lo. also have you done probiotics? works wonders, the gut is essentially the immune system, be sure to get refrigerated stuff from a whole foods market. Let me know if I can help further.
 
#7 ·
First my advice is stop trying to fulfill all of your daughters needs. This is an impossible task. As an AP mom, you are there to love, guide, care for, protect and respect your child. AP is not about giving into your child's every desire and whim. If that were the case my kids would have cookies for breakfast, play Super Mario until midnight and they'd never get around to that bath. Life is about compromises and teaching your children how to be strong, confident and loving people means that learning to repectfully live with other people is a part of that.

I agree with tinahiggins about letting her sleep issues go. My younger son did not sleep and spent quite a few months making us miserable. But once we all decided to just get on with our day he came around and began to enjoy being out and about. A great baby carrier like the Ergo made a huge difference.

My advice is for you and your daughter to find a new way to relate to each other. It's going to be hard. There will be tears and temper tantrums on both sides. But if you use some basic parenting tools like distraction, re-directing and just showing empathy and comraderie while she struggles with not getting her way you 2 will find a new way to relate to each other (I have spent quiet a bit of time on the floor being pounded by tiny little fists as they raged at me, but they tired and we eventually found a new way to solve our problems). It's going to take time and a lot of patience but I swear it will pass. In my experience any major change in a young child's life takes about 2 weeks for a full adjustment.

Be strong mama!
 
#8 ·
Also, 14 mos is a difficult time in general. The are beginning to realize there IS a world beyond mommie and daddy, and want to be part of it so badly it makes them a little upset.
It sounds like you are a fairly organized person in your personal life, yes? Take each day one step at a time. Is she walking? Time for a snack tray. Let her feed herself. Babies need to get messy.
Why were you doing Pantly? No matter what anyone says, I don't think a child has ever nursed itself to sleep the day before it goes off to college. Same deal with sleeping in your bed. Besides, laying on a parent's arm is about a 30 degree angle. And it may be that all she needs is you close.
Where does she sleep? That was the age my daughter would fall asleep on the dog bed, stuffed in between the desk and the wall, on the couch, whereever. If I was during the day, I'd just let her be, and at night I'd scoop her up and take her to bed with me.
Pretty much all teething lasts 2-4 weeks, at least it has in my two, one who still gets up at night at 2 years old, and the other who sleeps from 9 until 7.30 at 9 mos. Different children, different sleep.
I suspect you and your husband are both going through the "where did my life go?" stage. . . and I don't really have any words of wisdom about that. I do know when I accepted that my life was utter chaos and my house wasn't going to be clean and they wouldn't EVER do what I thought they would, things got much easier to deal with.
 
#9 ·
She sounds a lot like my dd who is now almost 3. You mentioned reflux, have you looked into food intolerance? I finally put two and two together when my dd was almost a year old and took her off of all dairy. Her sleep and her mood improved drastically. Don't get me wrong, she is still a very sensitive, sassy and demanding girl but there was a major change in her mood and her sleep once I removed dairy from our diets. Hugs, it's hard.
 
#10 ·
Your dd sounds very much like my ds.

That transition to toddler is hard. Around that age, I found out that AP wasn't just about doing whatever it takes to keep them from crying but listening and responding to their actual needs, separating them from their wants and helping them deal with their larger-than-life reactions and emotions.

I agree with letting go of sleep expectations. It's so easy to get into the mindset that things 'should' be going a certain way and then when they don't, you just end up angry and frustrated. What if you just accept that things are going to be difficult right now - that she is going to fight sleep, that it's going to take some time to get her to sleep and for right now, that is okay. Or that she is not going to sleep right away and that is okay too. And that that is not due to some failing on your part as a parent. You can worry about changing things once you get into a better state of mind. This was a real sanity saver for me. I had a big problem with the Baby Whisperer because I had that phrase in my head - "start as you mean to go on" - and I thought I believed it. Once I realized that just because things are like that today doesn't mean they will always be like that or that we can't change them, I started feeling better. Not completely better but it helped a lot. One day - sometimes one hour - at a time.

We have always known at LEAST a month in advance when ds was teething (even if we didn't recognize it as that). He was a completely different child at those times. At that age, he was getting all 4 incisors AND all 4 molars in (yeah, fun times). I bet that is affecting her mood and sleep as well.

I don't know if any of this helps or makes sense - it's 5am and I'm up because I have a cold and can't breathe
- but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. These things come in phases and just when you think you're going crazy, something new will happen and you'll have a different set of challenges. Good luck!
 
#11 ·
You have not created a monster! On the contrary, this little girl is lucky to have you as a mama. She could have gotten someone who would just punish her instead of trying to figure out what's wrong!

Reflux is often associated with food intolerances as are strong reactions to vaccines. So try eliminating the most common culprits-dairy and wheat from your diet as well as hers. It's not easy, foods you would never imagine have casein or gluten in them. Also, a pediatrician can test for allergies, but intolerances don't necessarily show up on the tests; even if you get her tested, you should still do an elimination diet. Do your research, definitely stop the vacccines, and don'tgive up looking for the culprit. Your daughter is not a monster, nor did you spoil her into this behavior. But there is somthing wrong and when you find it things will only get better.
 
#12 ·
This is also just a short post to encourage you to try the probiotics and perhaps also consider an elimination diet for both of you (if you are still nursing her).

My DD's sleep and overall life (and thus ours) improved dramatically once we found out she's allergic to eggs (testing) and sensitive to tomato, citrus and strawberries. Try the Allergies Forum for details.

Best wishes to you....my DD calls!
 
#13 ·
Big hug to you!!!!! The first baby is so hard never mind a sensitive first baby. I don't know how far this will sink in or impact you coming from a stranger but "YOU ARE NOT CREATING A MONSTER!!" You're daughter just is who she is. She is a sensitive child, maybe has allergy/vaccine issues etc but you are not spoiling her or causing her to act this way. You sound like a loving, attentive mom in need of some good advice (such as above) and perhaps marriage counseling? My DH and I went about 1 yr into our first baby cause the sleep deprivation was driving us to fight/argue ALL the time. I really feel for you. My DD was never sensitive like yours (so much easier) and STILL it was crazy hard- I can't imagine what you are going through. The second was so much easier because all my expectations of me being a "good/perfect mom" were gone. I knew that putting a child on a "routine" was much easier said than done. I knew that sleep would eventually happen and that I wasn't to blame if it took forever. I discovered that I could trust that little baby to let me know what it needed and to try to go with the flow. And we both discovered that kids completely turn the world upside-down and inside-out and that we would be ok on this new path. I really, really feel for you and hope you find some answers here. Please take care of yourself and do consider seeing a professional to help get you guys back on track.
 
#14 ·
Hugs to you, mama. Your DD sounds a lot like mine. She was a high needs baby from birth, and she still is a high needs child at age 4. She's always been intense, demanding of a lot of attention, a poor sleeper, very sensitive, and somewhat anxious.

I had a lot of help from my mother when she was an infant, and wouldn't have survived without it. In fact, I feel like I barely survived even *with* it. There were lots of teary days and days when I really felt like it was unfair that other people's kids were sleeping through the night without having to do CIO, eating solids well, entertaining themselves for short periods of time during the day, etc, and I had to hold and/or BF my child all the time, pretty much day or night, or she'd be screaming. I had basically no time to myself to do anything, and I'm lucky that she was the first child so I didn't have anyone else to look after. I was not able to cook, clean, or do anything around the house, and DH just accepted that he had to make dinner when he got home.

I'm not sure if she ever had reflux, as she didn't appear to be in pain, but just fussy, and would get overtired all the time because she just fought sleep all the time.

I was less AP then than I am now, and was reading mainstream parenting and sleep books, which, in hindsight, was one of the worst things I could have done. I did CIO at 6 months because I honestly felt like I couldn't take another day of getting up every hour in the night, plus having her only nap for 20 minutes at a time (when I tried to nap with her, she would wake up just as I was drifting off - it was awful). I was a zombie and couldn't function. She did end up sleeping better, and would only wake up once at night for a nursing session, which I gladly gave her because it was soooo much better than before.

I think Dr Sears is a fairly good resource, and offers tips on how to survive even with older children to take care of in addition to the baby who doesn't sleep. Take it with a grain of salt, and just do 'what works for you right now'.

The other thing is that just do your best. You can't do everything that she wants, and there will be tears and tantrums. She will turn out OK in the end, even if there are times she is left crying in her crib because you are in the next room hitting your head against the wall.

Is it possible to get some paid or family help to just let you get some much needed sleep? Even one good solid nap each week would probably do wonders if you are sleep deprived. I remember thinking that I would have needed 3 nannies to work around the clock, plus a cook/maid, plus me to soothe and entertain DD, and not have any of the adults be stressed or sleep deprived.

Good luck.
 
#15 ·
My daughter's only seven months old, but I feel like she has the same temperament. I don't think you are doing anything wrong by being sensitive to her needs. I started to think that was the problem too, that I was "giving in" too much. But I think she would just be an intense baby no matter what and being sensitive doesn't make her worse. What helped me was realizing how much my aggravated mood aggravates her restlessness. I try to get some down time every day, even if it means passing her off to husband for a little bit. Once i did that I was able to be more energetic and play with her more, which made her happier. Seeing her happy made me want to make her more confident in my mothering skills, which made me not yell at my husband as soon as he walked in the door...they say if you are in a spiral you only need to do one thing to change the direction of the spiral. In my case it was just getting some rr and are that did it.
hang in there and know that you just have a sensitive, high needs baby, and that you are doing a good job.
Another thing that helped was giving her physical play too, tickle time, and letting her stand up more(i don't know what it would be for a 14 month old).
Once I was more rested I started tuning into her needs a lot easier, which really helped because even at her age she's really vocal about what she wants.
Sounds like yours is too. What seems like "monster" might be a very assertive girl. In my situation I try to remember that, in the long run, that's what I want my daughter to be when she grows up so I try not to squelch that fiery spirit. Not like I can!!
Sounds like you have a few more issues going on than I did with the acid reflux, but the personality thing sounds the same. I think the only thing you can do is cope as best you can and try not to second-guess yourself.
I really feel for you in your situation and I wish you the best.
 
#16 ·


Sounds like your DD is in pain. Is there anything more that can be done for the reflux? And I would be generous with the motrin and homeopathic teething remedies. For some babies teething is incredibly painful--there were times with my DD that I felt it bordered on cruel that all we had to offer was Motrin, it seemed like she needed something stronger.

I would also continue to introduce a pacifier. Just keep it present. Show her what it's for and maybe she'll accept it. Same with a lovey. My DD took forever to pick a lovey but she did get attached to one around 10-11 months. Pick something and use it whenever you nurse and play with it with DD and make her laugh so she has positive associations--the playing is what seemed to really bond DD to her lovey.

Also, as pp said you can't do everything and be everything for your DD anymore. You need to step back and let her experience some frustration and figure out some coping skills on her own. She needs to learn some self-reliance although not necessarily with bedtime just yet. But when she pitches a fit, let her work it out. Offer verbal assurance but don't step in and rescue her from herself. It's painful as a momma to watch, but the tantruming and fussing is normal. She's not a newborn where every cry must be attended to.

And if it helps, my DD is a mess right now too. She's very sensitive and easily frustrated right now. Everything is reason to be upset. Some of it is the age I think.

As for the sleep, I don't really know. I think the reflux could be a major problem. I have GERD (reflux for adults) and it is very painful without medication. Like it hurts enough that without meds I don't know if I would want to live. Like broken glass burning in my gut. It's horrible. I can't sleep when I feel like that. I can't imagine how reflux feels for an infant.

HTH
V
 
#17 ·
A few things..
It seems to me that you are very well-informed, I don't think you need any more baby books, just some rest so that you are refreshed enough to decide which "method "I to go along with, although I'm more in favor of doing whatever works in the moment, that you won't feel guilty about later. I always ask myself "If she's sixteen and in her room sniffing glue and listening to violent music how will I feel looking back on this decision?"
It sounds like you are in a crisis mode. Don't do anything big. Try to make minor adjustments with the aim of making yourself feel better. Maybe you can let a few things slide while you take a bath... maybe have your husband take her for a car ride to the grocery store while you take a nap... maybe try to find a position of nursing her that allows you the to doze a little bit while nursing her...
I'm pretty sure that the medical community advises against CIO, especially if there is any kind of medical condition involved.
It seems to me that your husband is the one pushing cio, but will it help or put more stress on you? If you feel it's not the right thing to do you have the final say, you are the primary care giver.
I can't speak directly to AP, I just do what feels best to me and cio goes against my instincts. Maybe it works for some people, but I don't think the decision to cio should be made in crisis mode.
Can you and your husband make a pact not to talk about divorce for a set amount of time? Again, that's just something that's going to make the situation a whole lot worse, not better. It sounds like just talking about it is adding more stress for you right now.
Best of luck to you. I wish I could be more helpful
 
#18 ·
Big hugs to you. How is it going?

I found that period of time very frustrating. The following helped us so, overall:

Baby signs - for communicating and laughing and fun.

Setting set times for meals (I got this out of Sleepless in America, which I think is a great book although it might make you freak out about sleep and I agree with PPs - relaxing as much as possible is helpful.) For whatever reason, setting the meals in stone helped us a lot with sleep.

Physical exercise in the morning, as early as possible. Bundle up and play in the snow, walks, indoor walks at museums, etc.

Sensory play every. day. - sand, water, "rice tray," baths, whatever.

I think it was around then that we transitioned to one nap.

If you can stomach more book recommendations the highly sensitive child (?) might help.

It will be ok. You are not creating a monster.
 
#19 ·
I know I'm responding to your post a lot, but I just thought of one more thing that helped...
With my daughter, since she's so sensitive to wetness I use training pants instead of diapers so that it's easier for me to know when she needs a changing instead of guessing. I don;t know about you but for me when you nurse as much as I do there's a lot of pee. I can't tell you how many times I've thought about taking her to the doctor because oh my gosh she's fussing again and I just fed her and I just changed her and she just woke up from her nap, there must be something wrong with her. turns out she had a wet bottom. Also, again, if your daughter is anything like mine, she'll fuss a little bit right before she pees. Leaving her diaperless helped me identify a major part of her fussiness.
 
#20 ·
Thank you, everyone for your kind and thoughtful responses! Things are much better now. I have stood my ground with DH and we've had a rough go but now he is willing to see my side of things and trust that I'm doing the right thing. It's been so hard for him to see her acting like that and feel like "she's getting away with" behaving that way. He was raised very strictly and so with her out of control it actually illicits a panic response in him, that someone is going to come in and set things straight, that things are out of control when she acts like that, he's waiting for some hammer to come down like what happened when he was a kid. It has helped to talk through this with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by petitchou View Post
:Around that age, I found out that AP wasn't just about doing whatever it takes to keep them from crying but listening and responding to their actual needs, separating them from their wants and helping them deal with their larger-than-life reactions and emotions.
This is exactly what I was struggling with. Now that she is a month or more older, I can see it more clearly and it is much easier for me to separate. I got some child development books to help explain age appropriate expectations to DH.

Quote:

Originally Posted by petitchou View Post
:
I had a big problem with the Baby Whisperer because I had that phrase in my head - "start as you mean to go on" - and I thought I believed it. Once I realized that just because things are like that today doesn't mean they will always be like that or that we can't change them, I started feeling better. Not completely better but it helped a lot. One day - sometimes one hour - at a time.
Same thing here, it has been a long struggle to rise above that and see that for us it is different. Her struggles are not about "bad habits" but about her sensivity and needs. She's different. I've always known that. I question myself when DH starts falling apart, but I do believe there are reasons for her struggles.

We had been on almost total elim diet (no dairy, wheat, soy, fish, shellfish, nuts, but added back corn and legumes) for about a year. But then I added back dairy in my diet and she seemed to be fine so I started giving cow's milk to her directly and that seemed to be fine for a few weeks until I noticed her having symptoms of GI trouble at night. So we stopped dairy. Also, I added wheat back and again, noticed a delayed reaction. Actually we are off all gluten now for about a month and she seems to be sleeping better, although still not great.

Another change we made was to get her off of Nexium. That has been HUGE. For so long she needed it in order to sleep at all, and we were afraid to try to take her off again, but this time she seemed to not have to much trouble weaning off onto Zantac (except some days of bad headaches) and then from there reduce the Zantac to nighttime only and no headaches. Now off the Nexium, she is *much* less anxious,fussy, and combative. She is asking to nurse much less (it was about every hour) and seems to be digesting her food better. I saw those changes just over the few days that the Nexium was leaving her system, it was pretty amazing.

Teething also has been difficult. I have been trying really hard to stay away from Tylenol or Ibu because of relationship to her GI issues, but got some dairy free Hylands gel that we are using up like we own stock in it. Seems to help. Was getting 3 molars in and 2 incisors all at the same time, now working on her last 3 teeth and I say bring it, girl, just get them all and be done!!!

Thanks again to all of you.
 
#21 ·
Has she learned to self-soothe? Does she have a lovey?

There was a lot in your post that resonated with me and ime I was over-functioning, trying to be the end all and be all and DD did not learn to self-soothe. DD actually did better if I let her manage her sleep process instead of fighting to hold her and rock her to sleep. She needed us to back off and let her figure it out.

So we did. We supported her when she needed it, but didn't rush in to try and 'fix' everything.

I am reading The Emotional Life of Toddlers and have found it helpful--it's out of print but 2nd hand copies can be found cheaply. It talks alot about the psychosocial development of the second year. The push-pull of independence. The anxiety that creates etc...

V
 
#22 ·
I have heard of that book... I will check it out. The one I have is How to Give Your Baby an Emotional Headstart by Linda Acredolo. It has alot of psychosocial development, attachment theory, etc.

Yes, she finally has become attached to a lovey. That took a loooong time. She is not a good self soother when she's got anything to deal with (tired, teething, etc.) but when she's rested she is really very chill now. Depending on the situation, I sometimes let her throw a little tantrum and then it will be over and she's fine, but if I sense it's just going to escalate and make things worse for her, I intervene and soothe, BF, distract, etc.

It is really hard for me to assess if I am over-functioning. DH definitely thinks that is true. One thing you read will say that you need to let them work things out, cry a little, etc., and the next thing you read will say children are secure when their needs are met. For her, it has always been hard to say what is a need. For example, almost every single health care provider said she does not need to eat and night and I should wean at night (for my own health and sanity, mostly). My instinct was telling me she needed it, even at 15 months. Then, fast forward, we take her off the Nexium and suddenly asks to BF a fraction of what she did before, though she still is nightwaking 2-3 times. (Also she was pooping a ton, mostly coming out looking the same way it came in. The Nexium prevents secretion of stomach acid. Although this was neccessary for awhile, it started to prevent her from being able to digest her food, so I really do think she was hungry. She would sign for food in the middle of the night and seem soooo distressed. Now she's pooping normally.) So now I think we're in a better position if we decide to wean. And she is less anxious off the meds, so everything is much less traumatic.
 
#23 ·
She totally sounds like my DD.
I was on te edge of physycal exhostion and mental depression..
now she is 3.5 we pulled it through but it was really though.

she had defenetely acid reflux although we decided not to take any meds for them as from what we research they were as helful as harming..
so we took it alla naturell..

We had her head elevated but not too drastically...
she would sleep always in our bedroom but never in our bed
as I was afraid of SIDS - terrified..

She would wake up millions times a night for feeding or just to sleep on me as I would hold her in my arms till she was 2 and nurse in my armchair in the bedroom.

LOOKING BACK here is what I think:

* We should have been cosleeping. I think that as much as she had reflux it could have been a nervous reaction to sleeping away from us. It might work for some people and babies but she was super smart, super sensitive and very aware of surroundings from the start. That made her high needs and my failure to providing cosleeping probably made it worse.

* I was promoting attachment parenting from day one. Now I can't tell if my constant carrying and holding her and constantly giving her attantion was good thing or bad thing in terms if this contributed to her end result..
I just went by my instinct, it was strong, she cried I had to act and I would never do it any other way. I just had to be there for her and have her always by me. Did it influence her behavior? I don't know and I am not sure but from what other parents sometimes experience wihtout being attached like me.. not necessarely..

* she was just very sensitive and she had reflux and she would be afraid of many things starting with not seeing me for a minute so I was just providing her comfort. We never did CIO but we did stupid thing as my husband would push her in a stroller in a dark livingroom to make her go to sleep. I was upstairs trying to get some sleep.. end result - her loosing trust to us, being panickly afraid of darks and more attachment in result.

* we live on busy street, she would wake up for every passing car. no ways around it. So I woudl be really exhosted as nursing back to sleep would be only way for both of us getting some sleep.

* I think that I might go wrong listenning to many experts suggesting that nursed babies do not need to be burped. I did not burp her ever as thinkint htis is right. I don't know.. I will never. Now we still don't burp her but at 3.5 it is not issue anymore and ther is no reflux left anyways..

* To burping or not to burping should be revisited in case by case I think and I think now that if I could go back in time I would try an see if it helped. But the right way!
I know enough about idiotic way sof burping babies by patting them on the back that leads to reflux alone.. or promotes drooling of milk..
NO THAT IS WRONG>. alll you do is gently rub the back from the mid back area up on and on and on.. patting is just plain wrong.. let alone hard and noisy that can damage lungs and other organs.. you see some young mother doing it it somtimes and it is hair rising.

* I also think today that I should do better with her crib positioning and softens of the matrass in the first place. Initially the crib was close to electircal outlet so I think t here might have been some magnetic field that some sensitive babies respond to badly. and it is bad for all.

* airconditioning and heating.. crib was a bit on the way of the flow..
and that I did not realized because I could not fit in the crib..

I was at my rops ends and we were totally walking zombies..
what finally helped us was few things that I find really changed the way she sleeps.. she started sleeping more comfortably, relaxed and I never required her to sleep through the night. I was really happpy to see her waking up 5 times a night for nursing then less then less.. but it was okay to see that she needed to nurse but it was traumatic to nurse just every few minutes as she was waking up

so here is my list of things that changed things:

* CAREFUL POSITIONING OF THE CRIB AWAY FROM OUTLETS AND DRAFTS AND DOORS

AT THE AGE OF 2 (AND FOR SAFETY REASONS i WOULD NOT DO IT EARLIER):

*WE OPENED THE FRONT WALL OF THE CRIB, PUT CRIB TO MY SIDE OF THE BED AND LEVELED THE BOTTOM OF THE CRIB BY ADDING ONE CRIB MATRASS.. SHE HAD FREE ACCESS TO ME AND ME TO HER.. THAT MADE MAAAAAAAAJOR CHANGE IN HER SLEEPING PATTERN AS SHE WOULD SLEEP MORE PACEFULLY. AT FIRST SHE WOULD NOT WAKE UP ANY LESS JUST TO MAKE SURE SHE HAD ME RALLY CLOSE AND i WAS NOT GOING ANYWHERE..
BUT GRADUALLY IN COUPLE OF WEEKS SHE JUST SO MUCH LESS WAS WAKING UP

* LIGHT IN THE BEDROOM.. WE ALWAYS KEEP BATHROOM LIGHT ON TO LIT THE BEDRROM A BIT SO SHE NEVER SLEEPS IN TOTAL DARKNESS. DOOR IS CRACKED OPEN SHE CAN SEE ME AS SHE OPENS HER EYES TO KNOW WHERE SHE IS. THAT IS HUGE HELP TO RELAX HER

* MAKING SURE SHE EATS BEFORE GOING TO BED. WE DO SOME RICE CERIAL OR WAFFEL OR ANYTHING OF THAT NATURE TO MAKE SURE THAT SHE IS NOT HUNGRY AND WE END FEEDING 1 HOUR OR 30 MINUTES BEFORE GOING TO SLEEP OR RIGHT BEFORE.

* SIPPY CUP FULL OF WATER IS ON STANDBY AND i OFFER IT TO HER EVERY NIGHT FEEDING AND SHE USUALLY FIRST NURSES AND THEN ASKS FOR IT..
AS IN "AND NOW SIPPY CUP". AS I LET HER TO SATTISFY HER THIRST UNCONDITIONALLY AS I FOUND THAT NURSING IS MORE FOR EATING AND SIPPY FOR THAT. SO THAT DID WONDERS TOO. SHE IS FREE ACCESS TO IT AND CAN HAVE AS MUCH AS SHE WANTS. I CAN'T IMAGINE LIMITING IT AS i DRINK AT NIGHT AND SO I UNDERSTAND THE NEED.

* DRESSING UP FOR NIGHT IS IMPORTANT. TOO LITTLE AND SHE WAKES UP BEING COLD, TOO MUCH SHE IS SWEATY AND WAKES UP SCRATCHING. SO SHE HATED COVERS TOO TIL LSHE WAS LIKE 2.5.. I HAD TO PLAY WITH ROOM TEMPERATURE.. I BOUGHT A REMOTE CONTROL HOME THERMOSTAT SO IT WAS ALWAYS IN OUR BEDROOM OR WHERE BABY WAS AS OPPOSED TO SMACKED ON THE WALL IN LIVING ROOM. THAT LET US TO BE TOTALLY IN CONTROL FOR BEDROOM TEMPERATURES. I DRESSED HER UP TO MAKE SURE SHE IS COMFORTABLE. NEVER IN FLEECE, ALWAYS IN COTTON. FLEECE MAKES THEM OVERHEAT ON THE SPOT. AND IT IS JUST BAD CHOICE HELTHWISE AS IT IS PLASTIC FIBER. SO... IF SHE SLEEPS ON THE BACK SHE IS WARM AND COMFY, IF SHE SLEEPS ON THE SIDE IN A FETAL POSITION SHE IS USUALLY COLD. IF NER NECK IS SWEATY THEN SHE IS TOO HOT..

* DRINKING - MAKE SURE YOU HAVE BESPHENOL FREE (BPA FREE) SIPPY CUPS AND PLATES AND EVERYTHING. THIS ALONE IS VERY BAD FOR CHILDREN AS IT IMITATES HORMONES AND MAKES THEM SUPER SENSITIVE.

* ELIMINATE FOOD WITH COLORING ENTIRELY. LIMIT OR ELIMINATE FOOD WITH GLUTEN ESPECIALLY PASTAS AND BREAD. THE SME ISSUE .. GLUTEN IMITATES HORMONES AND IN SENSITIVE BABIES IS IT JUST MAKING THEM MORE SENSITIVE.

* PROVIDE TONS OF TOYS FOR BITING - I USE TOP OF THE BPA FREE SIPPY CUP..

* SHE IS TEETHING ALL THE TIME AND SHE WILL BE TILL 4 YEAR OLD, THAT MAKES IT WORSE.. YOU PROBABLY SEE PHASES AS SHE IS BETTER AND WORSE AND IT COMES AND GOES.. AND WHEN SHE WAKES UP MORE AND IS MORE CRANKY AND BITING AND RESTLESS SHE IS IN TEETHING PHASE EVEN IF NO SYMPTOMS ARE VISIBLE YET.. FIRST GOES SLEEP, THEN EATING, AND DRINKING AND THEN SHE WILL DROOLL AND THEN SHE BITES LIKE CRAZY ON ANYTHING SHE CAN... THAT LAST FEW WEEKS TILL STARTS DECLINING.. AND THERE WE GO AGAIN AFTERA WEEK OR SO PEACE.. IT IS CRAZY AND VICIOUS CIRCLE.. THEN AT TWO MOLLARS KICKS IN SO THE ENTIRE YEAR IS BAD.

* WE DID NOT GIVE ANY TEETHING TABLETS. THEY DO CONTAIN BELLADONNA. IT IS A POISON. THE ANCIENT USED THAT TO KILL PEOPLE.. LIKE IN ANCIENT ROME. DO NOT GIVE ANYTIHING TO BABIES FOR TEETHING AS IT IS NOT SAFE. NO MATTER WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU. IT IS YOUR BABY AND IT IS NOT OKAY TO GIVE LITTLE POISON TO HER.

CLOSING:

Hang in there.. you will make it. My husband was also at the end of his wits and for them it is tough because they really think it should be more simple. I felt responsible for everything because i was calling all shots and he was about to have enough of it and whenever he talked me into something it turned out against us as that whole pusing baby in stroller business...

it is hard but it will be better. you will see.. there will be other challenges but at 3 any baby sleeps better guarnateed! so you will make it.. just hang bit more longer.

I had it as bad as you.. I also was bitten to blood all over my body by my dd and she would bit my niples as nursed so i really had it bad

she is super intellingent and smart and your typical nursling and I would never have it different way if that was price to pay.

you can always Private message me if you need any moral support :)

hugs and more hugs

bella
 
#24 ·
Wow, thanks Bella, for all of that. I am going to respond to some of what you wrote, in hopes that if someone comes across this thread, it might help in some way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia View Post
She totally sounds like my DD.
I was on te edge of physycal exhostion and mental depression..
Yes. What I always thought of was how in my EMT training they taught about the Good Samaritan Law. If you come across someone in cardiac arrest that needs CPR, if you begin CPR on them then you are obligated to continue until the person, heaven forbid, dies, or until more qualified help takes over. Otherwise you can bu sued (makes sense to me, have no problem with that.) The one exception to this? I forget the exact wording but if you are physically and/or emotionally unable to continue. It doesn't feel like an exaggeration to me to say that I was that desperately incapacitated. The heart wrenchingness of letting her cry that night for hours almost made me explode. I was weak with fatigue, so dizzy that I would careen around the room and smacked into the furniture. She had to be danced vigorously or she screamed. I tried to protect her as much as I could with my body. Others can judge, that's fine. Would I have avoided this if there was any way I could? Of course. Am I p!ssed off at DH and still carry anger about it because he refused to go in? Definitely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia View Post
she had defenetely acid reflux although we decided not to take any meds for them as from what we research they were as helful as harming..
so we took it alla naturell..
I wonder about this. I constantly asked that question throughout her being on the meds. I don't regret starting her on them, since her reflux was so pronounced and on the meds was the only way she could sleep, but I do wish we had weaned down sooner... getting off the Nexium onto Zantac... reducing doses. Such a guessing game because playing with the meds up and down can worsen the problem.

Same with us about needing to sleep elevated, quite drastically (even on the meds) and needing to be held. Sometimes it seemed like it was just about being vertical and sometimes just being held, even if not upright, was enough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia View Post
We should have been cosleeping.
I was against this because of what I read about "sleep habits" and also SIDS. I still think there is no way it would have worked because for so long she had to be held exactly vertical in order to sleep (even lying on my chest in a rocking chair she would scream and cry). But maybe if we had done the craniosacral sooner.... if I had known about oversupply/overactive letdown, maybe if I had gotten off dairy and started probiotics sooner... maybe if I had known about the candida and started treatment sooner, seen an ND sooner, had worn her from the start... maybe it could have worked. I would have tried an Arm's reach cosleeper, sounds like you rigged up something basically the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia View Post
Now I can't tell if my constant carrying and holding her and constantly giving her attantion was good thing or bad thing in terms if this contributed to her end result..
My hunch is this was a good thing, you were addressing a need that if not addressed would have worsened.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia View Post
I was upstairs trying to get some sleep.. end result - her loosing trust to us, being panickly afraid of darks and more attachment in result.
I think about things I did, too, that feel like mistakes. There were times DH would take her away from me and she would be so anxious and cry but I turned around and went to sleep. Because I needed it so badly and also because I felt that if I "gave in" to her DH would be angry and we would fight and I was so so so so so so so tired. Hugs to you. We did the best we could.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia View Post
I know enough about idiotic way sof burping babies by patting them on the back that leads to reflux alone.. or promotes drooling of milk..
NO THAT IS WRONG>. alll you do is gently rub the back from the mid back area up on and on and on.. patting is just plain wrong..
This is interesting. I do think burping was key for us, especially because she was drinking so fast due to my overactive letdown. But in general I've heard burping can help. We tried that method you describe, with one finger on one side of the spine and thumb on the other, gently pressing upward, and never got anything. We supported her neck and head and walked around, bouncing, thumps on the floor, and this was the only way she would burp and also the only way to calm her. It may have been more damaging than helpful in reality, I don't know.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia View Post
I HAD TO PLAY WITH ROOM TEMPERATURE.. I BOUGHT A REMOTE CONTROL HOME THERMOSTAT SO IT WAS ALWAYS IN OUR BEDROOM OR WHERE BABY WAS AS OPPOSED TO SMACKED ON THE WALL IN LIVING ROOM. THAT LET US TO BE TOTALLY IN CONTROL FOR BEDROOM TEMPERATURES. I DRESSED HER UP TO MAKE SURE SHE IS COMFORTABLE. NEVER IN FLEECE, ALWAYS IN COTTON. FLEECE MAKES THEM OVERHEAT ON THE SPOT.
We had a meat thermometer in her room so I could monitor the temp and adjust accordingly. We had a horrible thermostat and the house was impossible to regulate. She was really hard to keep just right, I blamed it on the house. She sweated at night, so I thought too hot, but then when I put more on her would sleep better. I then learned night sweats can be caused by sleep apnea, which could have been caused by her congestion, which was caused by her reflux. ??? This went on for awhile. Same conclusion regarding synthetic materials, BAD BAD BAD, so hard for them to temp regulate. She now sleeps in a sleep sack I made out of an old down comforter, and dressed in cotton or wool only. Still seems hard to for her to regulate her body temp, such a minor minor change can make her too cold or too hot, at last visit my ND thought possibly a thyroid condition in me is responsible so we are going to look into that. Also she has discoordination, clumsiness, that comes and goes, sometimes walking like a drunk person. And I've had this too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia View Post
MAKE SURE YOU HAVE BESPHENOL FREE (BPA FREE) SIPPY CUPS AND PLATES AND EVERYTHING.
We do this too, along with trying to minimize plastic toys and Tylenol and Motrin and no additives, no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, and as much as possible organic, etc. But I've felt like I have to keep some of the things that are gifts even if I don't want her to have them. Hard to know if I'm going overboard or not.

She has never accepted a paci or teether, only my boobs which are so tired out. I will look more into the Hylands. She has been refusing it and I don't know if it's helping anymore.

I am sad right now because talking about baby #2 and DH just doesn't think he can do it. I need to adjust my attitude and just be thankful for what we have. It might be a blessing to not be pregnant and nursing again as my body needs to recover.
 
#25 ·
I am so sorry you have had such a rough time.
I bet it is tough to keep going like that without much of a break.

DS was kind of like that as an infant...only mom was his comfort object, and he would have been latched on almost 24/7 if I let him. He did a lot of napping on my lap on the boppy pillow while mommy read, watched tv or got on the computer just because I knew he would stay asleep that way and not in his crib. He hated the crib, and never did sleep well in it, so we moved him to a mattress on the floor at about 16 months.

One thing that sticks out to me about what you describe is your DD's sensitivity to all stimuli around her. I wonder if she has some sensory issues like DS has. He gets easily overwhelmed by crowded/noisy areas, too little or too much touch, really got bothered by teething, and used to have aversions to certain textures in food or clothing. A great book to read to see if your DD fits this description is The Out of Sync Child. Lots of moms in the Special Needs forum have lots of experience with this. To help with a lot of his sensory issues and some developmental delays in gross and fine motor skills, DS has been receiving occupational therapy for the past year, and things have improved a LOT with him. As far as sleeping goes, for us, once those #$@#$@ eye canine teeth came in, his nighttime sleep got WAY WAY better, and he started sleeping all night right at about age 2. He is still sensitive about things, but is developing better skills for coping with it as he grows and has grown into a really cool kid who is fun to be around and do things with and asks the darndest questions now at age 6.
And we did go on to have a second one (got pg when he was 2) and she is totally different, way better sleeper, still sensitive emotionally, but it is cool to see them together. Good luck to you and there IS hope of someday actually getting to sleep ALL night till morning!
 
#26 ·
we had teething sleep troubles from the beginning to age 2. sleep still is not easy, all you can do is help as best you can. if you find something that does work, do it, and if not, sometimes sleep doesn't happen and the kid does seem to suffer
it does pass, tho- you just get through it, and remember that your kid is unique and may not sleep or act like anyone but themselves. i recommend Raising your spirited child- not the end part about 'doing' things, just the part at the beginning 'you are not alone', you realize there is a NAME for your child's tempermant, so you are not crazy
i also find a little sympathy goes a long way- they are not trying to annoy you!
 
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