Wondering if I should say something about what my neighbor's dd said to me. - Mothering Forums

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Old 12-13-2008, 01:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My ds and I were outside yesterday, when my neighbor from 3 doors down opened her door and we started talking. She has a three year old dd, a 7 month old dd, and a 2 year old girl that she watches. As we're talking, ds just runs in the house and goes to look for the 3 year old dd. She said to come in, ds went upstairs to the dd's room, and I stayed downstairs for a few minutes talking to the mom. After probably 15 minutes I decided I should go check on them, since it was unusually quiet upstairs. I go to her room where they are and her door is locked. I knock gently and as she's opening it, I said playfully: "What are you guys doing in here?" and she says, plain as day: "Having sex."



I was in total shock: "Um, what? What did you say?"

"Having sex."

I knelt down by her and said something to the effect of: "Sweetie, that's not a good thing to say, and only big people, like mommies and daddies, have sex."

She says: "Ohhh! Gotcha!" and gives me a high five.

Now, she's three - and thankfully they both still had their clothes on! Right after that her mom came upstairs, I went to say something but shut my mouth. For one, I felt that I had already addressed it and didn't want to put her dd on the spot. Especially because her parents aren't exactly GD - they had just finished telling me about how they had "beat her butt" for biting the little girl that the mom babysits. So, feeling like I had already addressed it, I didn't want to be the cause of her washing her daughter's mouth out with soap, or worse. We left soon after that and I forgot about it the rest of the night, but for some reason I woke up today thinking about it. I know if the shoe was on the other foot, I would want to know if ds said that - I just feel bad for that little girl and her mom has a tendency to overreact sometimes, so I feel kinda between a rock and a hard place.

Sidenote: The 3 year old is allowed to watch an unlimited amount of whatever cartoons, and she also often watches Lifetime or whatever movie her parents have on.: From what I can tell, her tv viewing is not regulated at all - and she has a tv in he room. So I have no doubt that's where she got it from.

What would you do?

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Old 12-13-2008, 01:19 PM
 
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well she obviously heard it somewhere-prehaps she walked in on the parents and they told her knowing she wouldn't really know? you could mention it but it also seems like she doesn't know what it means either
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Old 12-13-2008, 03:58 PM
 
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I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't let my child be unsupervised with her. Not because I'm afraid of "anything happening" but just because I wouldn't want my child exposed to those concepts just yet. It sounds totally innocent but their family has values that are different from mine so I'd probably keep closer tabs on my DD when she's there. We have a family like that one down the street, and while I like the mom and dad and their girls, I stay close to DD when she's there.
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Old 12-13-2008, 06:26 PM
 
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My DD picked something like that up at daycare. One day I was laying on the couch with my dd, and she told me that WE were "having sex".
I asked where she heard about that, and she named another child at daycare. I did mention it to the parent and DD hasn't brought it up again -- but I never really got a resolution about it, I never really found out how/why this happened.
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Old 12-14-2008, 03:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie View Post
I wouldn't say anything, but I wouldn't let my child be unsupervised with her. Not because I'm afraid of "anything happening" but just because I wouldn't want my child exposed to those concepts just yet. It sounds totally innocent but their family has values that are different from mine so I'd probably keep closer tabs on my DD when she's there. We have a family like that one down the street, and while I like the mom and dad and their girls, I stay close to DD when she's there.
Yeah, this sounds just about right. I don't voluntarily go over there much anyway, because of our differing values. But sometimes we just end up over there because ds and the 3yo really like playing together, and there aren't many other kids their age around here. I'll just have to keep more of a watchful eye, for sure.

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Old 12-14-2008, 05:45 AM
 
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Definitely wouldn't leave my child alone there.

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Old 12-14-2008, 05:46 AM
 
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I would say something. If you've enough of a rapport with the mom to be in her house talking to her, and your child is upstairs playing with hers, why wouldn't you?

It could be something as simple as "So, you're dd just said something pretty outlandish, sista! "

But, also, if this little girl is being exposed to something more sinister or being abused, maybe mom needs a heads up that there is something amiss.

I was abused. I had a premature knowledge of the language and details associated with sex. I shared this with my friends. Innocently. And was accused of molesting another child when I was 8... because I described what happens when adults have sex. But maybe if someone like you had heard me, my parents could have been alerted, and I would have been helped...
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Old 12-14-2008, 09:40 AM
 
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I had an unassisted preganacy and a homebirth when DD was 3. She had an extensive knowledge about pregnancy, anatomy and that "sex" is how a baby is made.

She was not quite to the point where she was ready to fully understand or know all of the facts about sex. She just knew the word. She asked me all of the time if I was having sex when I kissed or hugged, or snuggled DH. By the time she was 4 she was ready and asking the right questions to get that last bit of info about whet sex actually was (her exploring the word sex was part of my decision to give her the correct information). Now she does not casually through the word out there.

Since the children were dressed and the little girl did not seem secrative or emberassed about it I am guessing something similar to my DD's behavior was going on.

Children saying the word sex does not mean something sinister is going on. Follow your gut on this and if you have ANY concern don't alow any unsupervised play. I would not have made a big deal about it to the other mom either if I thought the little girl would have been physically punished.

You might be able to talk to the other mom about it in a round about way by saying something like, "My son said the craziest thing the other day, does your DD do this too?" It opens up the topic for discussion but does not point a finger at the little girl.

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Old 12-14-2008, 09:46 AM
 
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I wanted to also add to my post by saying that I lived in fear that DD would say the word sex in ear shot of the wrong person and someone would jump to the conclusion that there was abuse going on.

Because of my fear I pushed DD on the topic until she had all of the facts. (By pushed I mean I started conversations and asked lots of leading questions until DD was ready for all of the facts.)

I wish I could have let the subject take a more natural course.

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Old 12-15-2008, 03:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by PrennaMama View Post
I would say something. If you've enough of a rapport with the mom to be in her house talking to her, and your child is upstairs playing with hers, why wouldn't you?

It could be something as simple as "So, you're dd just said something pretty outlandish, sista! "

But, also, if this little girl is being exposed to something more sinister or being abused, maybe mom needs a heads up that there is something amiss.

I was abused. I had a premature knowledge of the language and details associated with sex. I shared this with my friends. Innocently. And was accused of molesting another child when I was 8... because I described what happens when adults have sex. But maybe if someone like you had heard me, my parents could have been alerted, and I would have been helped...
I see where you're coming from, but I seriously seriously doubt she is being abused. She stays at home with her mom and is with her almost 24/7. And knowing how much tv she watches and that it doesn't seem to be content-regulated at all, I really think that she just picked it up from one of her mom's Lifetime movies or something.

I feel like it's way behind me now - if she ever says anything like that again I might say something. But I just don't want to be the cause of her being punished for something that she innocently picked up, cuz trust me, I see and hear about her being punished enough for other things. It breaks my heart and usually makes me steer clear of that house, but like I said ds and the 3yo dd love playing together, so they are kind of hard to avoid all the time. But usually they are outside together, weather permitting.

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Old 12-15-2008, 07:20 PM
 
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Maybe she's overheard her mommy joking with a friend about having to lock the door to have sex with kids in the house or something. In her mind sex could just mean locking the door.
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Old 12-15-2008, 11:27 PM
 
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well she obviously heard it somewhere-prehaps she walked in on the parents and they told her knowing she wouldn't really know? you could mention it but it also seems like she doesn't know what it means either
ITA: I would prob just leave it alone.
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Old 12-16-2008, 07:47 PM
 
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I'd probably not say anything if you feel like you dealt with it with the little girl. However, I would pay closer attention to her in the future to see if I felt there might be abuse going on or inappropriate play that I didn't want my child exposed to. Last year my neighbor's then 3 year old told my husband several times that he was going to kill him and kill our dog. I was very disturbed by this and thought perhaps I should say something to our neighbors. I talked with my husband and asked him to tell me if it continued and for him to be extra watchful/careful about our dog around the little boy. I think the watch and wait approach was right for this situation and I never said anything to his parents and haven't heard him saying anything like that again.

I think you should file it away but trust your instinct if you ever feel like there might be more to it and the girl might be getting hurt.
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Old 12-16-2008, 09:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by AbbieB View Post
I had an unassisted preganacy and a homebirth when DD was 3. She had an extensive knowledge about pregnancy, anatomy and that "sex" is how a baby is made.

She was not quite to the point where she was ready to fully understand or know all of the facts about sex. She just knew the word. She asked me all of the time if I was having sex when I kissed or hugged, or snuggled DH. By the time she was 4 she was ready and asking the right questions to get that last bit of info about whet sex actually was (her exploring the word sex was part of my decision to give her the correct information). Now she does not casually through the word out there.

Since the children were dressed and the little girl did not seem secrative or emberassed about it I am guessing something similar to my DD's behavior was going on.

Children saying the word sex does not mean something sinister is going on. Follow your gut on this and if you have ANY concern don't alow any unsupervised play. I would not have made a big deal about it to the other mom either if I thought the little girl would have been physically punished.

You might be able to talk to the other mom about it in a round about way by saying something like, "My son said the craziest thing the other day, does your DD do this too?" It opens up the topic for discussion but does not point a finger at the little girl.
This scenario makes a lot of sense to me - I also like your suggestion of how to bring up the subject.

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Old 12-17-2008, 03:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen View Post
Definitely wouldn't leave my child alone there.


:Puke Nope. me neither. They wouldn't be playing together anymore that's for sure. kids are "curious" enough.....I don't need my little person(s) any more "curious" than he/she already is. Thanks anyway.

If it's disturbing you, which it must be or you wouldn't have asked.....how does it make you feel that your child is around that kind of influence? If you're not comfortable with it then it isn't right.

 

 

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Old 12-17-2008, 06:01 PM
 
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I'd let it go. Lord knows my kids said enough crazy and embarrassing things at that age that I did know about, who knows what they said that I didn't know about
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Old 12-17-2008, 06:51 PM
 
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I would absolutely not tell the mother if I thought that it would lead to her getting hurt more. That is just a little thing that many kids pretend to do at this age, if you have a kid in preschool they have probably pretended to make out like adults to and you have probably not even been told about it because it is really just a common thing that just needs a little redirection. I think you should keep a close eye on what the kids are playing together for a while though just to make sure the play doesn't get to that subject again, my friend's neighbor called the police on her son when they were young because of this type of play and it got really ugly.
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