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#61 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 12:07 PM
 
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HUGS!!! i see you've already gotten great advice, but I just wanted to say that its great that you have the courage to step up and protect your dd!!! I can't imagine how hard it will be to do, but you're dd is LUCKY to have a mom that will protect her!!! HUGS!!!
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#62 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 12:19 PM
 
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You are wonderful, Yukookoo! What an amazing mama your baby has...I got tears in my eyes just reading your post and am sooooooooo very proud of you! BIG
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#63 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 12:35 PM
 
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She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter
You know, if she knows his inclinations and knows what he has done, and still pushes you to endanger your own daughter--then *she* is the horrible person. That is not a nice thing to think about your own mother, but colluding with evil or excusing evil also falls in the category of evil.


I am glad you are choosing to cut that man off. You are breaking a cycle and doing what's right by your daughter. It doesn't matter what anyone else says. Even your own mother. You know what he did to you and you saw it happening again with your daughter.
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#64 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 02:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
I'm so glad you are cutting contact. (I only read that far.)

One possible reason this shook out the way it did is that the hurt child in you a) still fears the shame of the interactions with this person and b) is kind of trying to "make it be all right" (magical thinking) by rewriting history by thinking things like "he wouldn't do anything TO HER" and c) thinking that it was just her/you who was "abuse-worthy." ALL of those scripts are very very understandable, but not a good way to take care of your child.

Good for you for speaking up.
very wise.

OP- a million times
please please go and talk to someone about what happened to you. it is worth getting the help to sort this out it even if it was a long long time ago. you are worth it and your child is worth it. boundary things will keep coming up over and over again in different ways because of what you went through.
take care of yourself.
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#65 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 03:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
thanks so much everyone! Very helpful to get objective perspective.

Just spoke with DH to let him know. A conversation will be happening with mom sometime today.

He will never be seeing DD again.
I sincerely hope you mean that. You owe him, and anyone who stands by him, NOTHING! You owe your daughter EVERYTHING. s for finding the strength to deal with this.

Decluttering 500/2010
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#66 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 03:49 PM
 
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Personally this person would be completely cut out of my life and my dd's life. What they did to you was abuse and I would not give them the chance to do it to my dd. Call me hyper-protective or judgemental or whatever but that is how I feel.

Mamma to dd1 3/8/07, one 9.5.08, and dd2 9/9/09
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#67 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 04:24 PM
 
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What a good mother your daughter has!
I am so glad you chose to take a stand against the cycle of abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter
This made me vomit. Literally. Does your mom really think it's alright to let this man have his "joy" this way, just because he is sick? If a convicted thief is dying in prision, should we let him out because he only gets joy from stealing from people?

SERIOUSLY there is just SO MUCH wrong with that. Does this man even DESERVE any joy? It makes me so sick to think that this man's only "joy" comes from being around your daughter. That is not healthy for ANYONE. It is not healthy for him, your mother, you and especially your daughter.

If your mother thinks that way, I would seriously consider not allowing her to have time with your daughter either.

ALSO- you did not imagine anything, especially if your mother was not surprised!

*heavy sigh*

Nik! Mama to Evelynn Rose 08/19/08 and Autumn Lily 11/02/10
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#68 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 04:33 PM
 
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It sounds like you know what to do in your heart. Get rid of this person in your life.

Michelle: wife to J, mom to M (2001), E (2003), C (2005), S (2007) and O! (2009) And someone new in 2011!
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#69 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 05:25 PM
 
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I am so glad you are cutting off your daughter's contact with him for good. You are absolutely 100% without a doubt doing the right thing. I also agree with the poster who suggested that you consider not giving your mom unsupervised contact with your daughter because it sounds like she is both unsurprised but contrary to this, also mad at you for calling out the behavior and protecting your daughter from it. That indicates she's definitely not seeing things clearly, and wouldn't be able to protect your daughter.

I agree with the folks who said that it sounds like there are some old scripts playing in your head that might deserve to be stripped of their power in therapy.

Either way, you did something both brave and important for your daughter today, and I hope you are proud of yourself for this.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#70 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 05:54 PM
 
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I agree with pp's. Keep him out of you and your dd's lives forever. No good will come from any sort of relationship with him.
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#71 of 86 Old 12-23-2008, 08:15 PM
 
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Just wanted to offer more and support. I am so glad you have taken the initiative to keep this man away from you and your daughter- I know it is hard, but please don't doubt your intuition and instinct as a mama! You have to put yourself and your daughter first. I am really glad to hear your DH is on board and offering his support.

As others have stated, please do seek out some counseling to discuss what happened to you. By acknowledging that it happened and that it is not ok, it allows you to protect your daughter, but can also open up a whole lot of confusing feelings for you- please get some support and stay strong, you are doing the best thing for your little girl and for you!!

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"
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#72 of 86 Old 12-24-2008, 09:28 AM
 
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Originally Posted by jeliphish View Post
It would be very innapropriate for you as the mother to allow your child to have any contact with this man. My advice as a fellow MDC member would be to explore why you would even allow this in the first place, and why you are not more angered by this...perhapse some counseling. MY ADVICE AS A CPS INVESTIGATIOR is that this is considered neglegent even if the visits have been "supervised". Your obligation is to your child...period. He is grooming you all over again and grooming you- because he knows you haven't said anything. He is GROOMING YOU to have access to your child, and my expert advice is that his behaviors and tendencies have become more physical, sexual, and violent with time. If someone were to report this to someone- YOU would be the one liable. Please please please reconsider the decisions you are making.
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#73 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 04:09 AM
 
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I am so sorry for what you are going through and for what happened to you when you were younger. That said, I cannot believe you are even contemplating allowing your daughter to be in the presence of this person, with or without you there, and have in fact already allowed it! Whoever this person is, they should not have access to you or your daughter. Ever. Your most important job in life is to protect her, period! Don't worry about hurting his feelings.

Attachment-Parenting mom to darling DS : (January 2006). : : : : :
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#74 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 04:35 AM
 
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Did your mom know what was happening when you were a kid? Or just found out now via email?

You owe your stepfather NOTHING. Listen to your instincts.

It is not healthy for YOU or your DD to be around this man.

I wouldn't let your mom see your dd outside of your house with both you AND dp home. I worry that she'll try to convince you to let him in the house, or even show up with him - trying to get him in to see your dd. Only let her visit ALONE and with your dp home.

And what makes you doubt that what happened happened?
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#75 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 05:12 AM
 
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To the two PPs- I know you are responding to the initial post-- However, see OP's update on 12/22/08 in post #20. She states that she has initiated removing all contact with this person and that her husband is being supportive.

OP, I hope everything is going alright and that you have been able to find some support in the midst of all this! Again, I am really happy that you are standing up for yourself and your daughter, however difficult a situation it may be.

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world"
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#76 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 06:57 AM
 
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Originally Posted by greeny View Post
If I were you, I would permanently cut off all contact with said person and NEVER let him around your dd again, supervised or not. Never.

Another vote for this.
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#77 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 08:39 AM
 
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You are such a strong and courageous mama bear to have made the decision to protect your daughter at all costs. This cannot be easy for you.

I hope you will find some healing in the knowledge that you are protecting your daughter, the way your mother should have protected you. What happened to you was tragic and wrong, but you are a real hero for chosing to end the cycle of abuse in your family.

Your mother has demonstrated that she is unable or unwilling to protect children from a known sexual predator (she "wasn't surprised" that her husband was banned from your house for inappropriately touching a child??) and while it may be painful and awkward right now, I'm sure you have realized that you can't allow your mother to have unsupervised visits with DD, either.

As to the perpetrator of the abuse...he doesn't deserve the "joy" of another child to victimize, he deserves to be in jail where he belongs.

Cindy, part-time family doc, full-time Mommy to Jared (2/04) and Connor (2/08) :
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#78 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 06:41 PM
 
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Originally Posted by yukookoo View Post
well spoke to mom, over the internet as I could not do it in person or on the phone

She did not seem surprised. OF course I will be regarded as the evil horrible person who is taking away this man's joy. He is ill, can not walk well and apparently is losing his eye site and his only joy was seeing my daughter

Well you made your bed... not I.

I guess i can say that if I am wrongfully accusing him or have imagined any abuse that occurred in my past. It is really sad for him, but i am willing to take that risk over the risk of him hurting dd in any way.

I really hope I am doing the right thing. But I care far far more about DD than i do protecting my mom or him.

Thank you so much for the support. DH is also being incredible and supportive, thank god.
Bolding mine. I only got as far as this post, not sure I can go further. This is making me ill. And I think maybe I am totally confused here??? What I read is that your mom is not surprised her friend is a pedophile? So she probably knows how he treated you in the past, and yet she just doesn't care or what? And you are supposed to feel bad for taking the object of his desires, your DD, away from him? WTH??? And then you write that you feel sad - FOR HIM?!!! Please tell me I am reading this wrong, because otherwise this is sick. If this is true, I wouldn't let my DD, or any child, near this man for any reason whatsoever, and frankly, not my mother either, though if it had to be, then only under completely supervised visits, until my DD was in her mid twenties.

OK, I have just read the last page and it says you have cut off contact to this man. I am sorry if my post seemed so harsh, but I hope you cut him off permanently, and forever. This man has no business around children, at all. And I hope you can get some good counseling, to help you in healing, for yourself.
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#79 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 07:04 PM
 
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Yukookoo, it seems like lots of people are responding to your original post. I'm so relieved you've cut off contact and I'm hoping that as time has gone on you've become more sure of your decision and sure of what you went through.

I've been there, I know how easy it is to doubt/blame yourself.

Hope you're keeping the whole family safe and sending lots of s.
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#80 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 10:20 PM
 
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I just want to give you big (hugs).

I've worked with a lot of families where there was incest and what your sd did would qualify as that. Check out www.rainn.org for resources and to locate counseling.

Of course this would be hard to deal with. It's a nightmare. (gone thru it with my sister and a relative of ours)

In families where this occurs there is a lie that must be maintained. That the touching is not happening and that everything is ok and normal. To keep it's balance the perpetrator and their partners will pull all kinds of tricks to make the victim feel like they are the crazy one or the bad one.

He is the one responsible here.

Get support. Tell someone. Get Counseling and keep him far, far from your precious dd.

Pedophiles-by nature are proflific abusers who have an irresisitible urge and often really do believe they love children. They may be attracted to one specific age and gender (or not) They are often in relationships with another consenting adult. But anyhow, if he is a "pedophile" it's like putting an addictive substance in front of an addict. Why chance it?

Is your dd the same age you were at the time he abused you? Why the sudden interest? I would be alarmed. It can take awhile for someone to sufficiently "Groom" a child and he may be in that process. If he hasn't gotten help it's unlikely he wouldn't repeat the behavior.

It's understandable though that you've had to make all sorts of concessions to grow up in that family. To whatever extent you can limit his access to you and your dd, I urge you to Get help doing that. You will heal and you don't want to risk your precious child being harmed by this man.
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#81 of 86 Old 01-01-2009, 11:01 PM
 
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Good luck talking with mom. You are doing the right thing.
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#82 of 86 Old 01-02-2009, 07:40 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X View Post
If it was me said person would have zero contact with my child. Someone like that cannot be trusted and even if you are right there stuff can happen that you cant take back ie a touch that would make your dd uncomfortable. It just isnt worth the risk.

Both you and your dh are getting bad vibes from this person listen to them. Your post had so many red flags I cant remember them all the first huge one was what was done to you by this person and the second huge one is the sudden interest in your dd.

Weigh it this way:

The health and wellbeing of your dd vs. family issues with adults. The scales obviously go toward your dd. If grown ups cant handle the situation they can get over it or move on. If something happens to your dd she might never get over it.

I one hundred percent agree. If that person did those things to me when I was small, there is no way I'd allow that one around my child. If it were me, I'd end the contact immediately.


I'm so sorry you had to go through those things growing up. It never should have happened.

I am married to my soul mate and best friend, and I am truly blessed.

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#83 of 86 Old 01-02-2009, 08:11 AM
 
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Keep him away. You will regret it forever if you don't.
I agree. You already know how this person is from how you were treated in the past. This person most likely hasn't changed. And for him to all of a sudden start showing interest in your family when you have a DD, ummm...too obvious IMO. Keep away from him.

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#84 of 86 Old 01-02-2009, 08:13 AM
 
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Bolding mine. I only got as far as this post, not sure I can go further. This is making me ill. And I think maybe I am totally confused here??? What I read is that your mom is not surprised her friend is a pedophile? So she probably knows how he treated you in the past, and yet she just doesn't care or what? And you are supposed to feel bad for taking the object of his desires, your DD, away from him? WTH??? And then you write that you feel sad - FOR HIM?!!! Please tell me I am reading this wrong, because otherwise this is sick. If this is true, I wouldn't let my DD, or any child, near this man for any reason whatsoever, and frankly, not my mother either, though if it had to be, then only under completely supervised visits, until my DD was in her mid twenties.
I agree with this somewhat. I can't believe your mother isn't supporting you on this. How horrible of her. And you say this man is just a family friend? Thats even more reason not to care if you have contact with him or not. I thought he was blood related.

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#85 of 86 Old 01-02-2009, 12:24 PM
 
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The OP's edit in her original post says that the man in question is her stepdad, not a family friend.

BTW, I agree 100% with everyone here who has said to keep your DD away from this guy. And, if your mom is not supportive of your decision, you may want to rethink the relationship with her as well.

Since your talk with your mom, has anything else come up? Any new updates? I hope that things are going well....and that you're still feeling strong and supported in your decision to keep stepdad away from your DD. Good Luck!!!!
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#86 of 86 Old 01-02-2009, 04:57 PM
 
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but based on your statements of his treatment of you as a child, and this:
Quote:
Said has no relationship with me. We do not talk past hello. I say nothing to him he says nothing to me most of the time.

Now that i have DD, said person has all the sudden shown interest in coming over and having a relationship with DD. I took this positively.
I would absolutely not let him in my house or near my daughter, no way no how, no matter who gets angry over it. *(and I am NOT one to normally say 'cut off contact" with relatives when there's a problem) BUT in this instance for your daughters safety you really need to. She needs to come first, you are her mama.....the needs/wants of ANY other family members do not outweigh the rights of the child in a case like this.

If he had nothing to do w/ you before, and suddenly wants to be around 'cause there's a little girl again.....get away, stay away from him!!! It only takes a few seconds for serious harm to be done, and things can happen in your home with you there, you (or they) only need to step out of the room for a second.

Mom to A 11/06: Researching : to grow our family
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